# Your Onion Headlines Feb 2011 edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745 "2011-02-09T10:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/41 "2011-02-11T07:39:43Z")
**Oprah Discovers She Has a Husband and Four Kids She Didn’t Know About** _Completely forgot her marriage and motherhood after a 1982 head injury; husband knew her as Renata Jenkins, a cashier in Hopkinsville, Kentucky_ **Facebook Frontierville wiped out by Cholera** _Tens of Millions Cheer_ **BP Unplugs Gate to Hell’s Pit in Drill Off Galveston** _“Our CEO is being replaced by a new one to whom not just ours but all heads will bow…”_ **"Oscar nominated film THE KING’S SPEECH is offensive, patronizing and inaccurate to those with the condition"** _This was according to Stammerers Organization President Peter Paul Parkhurst who said so, finally, after a 5 Hour Press Conference on Thursday_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/42 "2011-02-11T08:21:34Z")
**Mystery of the Source of Lindsey Lohan’s Fame Deepens** _“I thought she was on a Disney Channel show or something, but she wasn’t,” says researcher._ **Area Schoolyard Bully Loses Job Because of Recession** _“Nobody has milk money anymore,” says bully._ ---
**Author:** ![fiddlesticks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddlesticks/32/18129_2.png) [@fiddlesticks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fiddlesticks)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/43 "2011-02-11T15:33:33Z")
**Dashingly Handsome SDMB Charter Member Had Awesome Onion Headline Idea** _I woke up in the middle of the night with this great idea, but I had forgotten it by morning. It would have been hilarious, the poster insisted._ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/44 "2011-02-11T15:42:41Z")
_Cairo Protesters Break into 100,000 Strong Flash Mob to Ludacris’s Get Back_\*\* _“There’s no way they haven’t had professional choreographers” says Mubarak, who plans a Rollout My Business retaliatory mob with elephants and fireworks._ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/45 "2011-02-11T16:04:49Z")
**Lindsay Lohan to Appear on "Dancing With the Stars"** _Routines to be filmed in Day Room, dance partner to be either Derek Hough or Big Eunice_ **New School For Dyslexic Students Has Very Active Parent-Teacher Association (TPA)** ---
**Author:** ![soulmurk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@soulmurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulmurk)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/46 "2011-02-11T16:08:34Z")
**USPS to introduce revolutionary new “electronic” method to send mail** _Says the Postmaster General, “No more having to live up to that obnoxious creed about delivering in the sleet and snow!”_ **Catherine Wolmsley, 27, did, in fact, go there** _What’s up?!_ **Six year, $174m study conclusively proves mother’s milk is best for baby** _Head Researcher: “We had to use the grant money, and we like boobs.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/47 "2011-02-11T19:12:57Z")
> [@fiddlesticks](#): > > **Dashingly Handsome SDMB Charter Member Had Awesome Onion Headline Idea** > _I woke up in the middle of the night with this great idea, but I had forgotten it by morning. It would have been hilarious, the poster insisted._ Aw, man, I hate it when that happens. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/48 "2011-02-11T19:22:47Z")
**President Obama Still Black** ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/49 "2011-02-11T19:42:09Z")
**Internet to reach LOLCat peak in 2016** **Mythbusters team dead following attempted mythbusting** _“Don’t try this at home kids” said Zeus, Father of all Gods, as he smote Greg with lightning bolt_ **Muslims admit sacred Kaaba just a drunken prank that got out of hand** _“Sorry for all the deaths”, Muslims confess sheepishly_ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/50 "2011-02-11T20:29:17Z")
**Burger King and entire royal Burger family publicly beheaded in coup** _“Hold elections/hold the lettuce/your special orders quite upset us!” chant revolutionaries_ \*_Betty White Vows to "Live long enough to kill everybody who puts me on their &@#$ing 2011 Celebrity Death List… and their kids"_ _Writes of stormy relationships with Bea Arthur and former lovers Rick James and Nikita Kruschev in new book, I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE COITUS_ **Beatles WHITE ALBUM Code Finally Deciphered** _Predicts 1980 Mt. St. Helen’s eruption and Ebola Outbreak, “though fat lot of good it does now” says Ringo_ ---
**Author:** ![soulmurk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@soulmurk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/soulmurk)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/51 "2011-02-11T21:18:04Z")
**Former British pop singer Limahl reportedly in the studio with Lady Gaga and John Rzeznik** _Project rumored to be called Kajagoogoogaga_ ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/52 "2011-02-11T22:05:53Z")
**2010 Republican Congressmen Deny They Are Gay And/Or Cheating On Their Wives** Eyes roll across the world. \*\* Evil Captor Shoots Soulmurk\*\* “It had to be done,” he said, pointing silently to the horrible play on words above him. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/53 "2011-02-11T22:24:05Z")
**Local Man Passes Up Chance To Have Brick in Downtown Sidewalk Named After Him** “I thought long and hard about it,” said resident J. Trunkwell Birdsong, “but it would have cost $20, and I thought I got a much better return on my investment by converting the twenty into one dollar bills and spending a nice afternoon in a bar, slipping them into the garters of naked women.” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/54 "2011-02-12T00:21:56Z")
The sub-headlines make 'em less funny, folks. Most of these stand on their own much better than with the tag. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/55 "2011-02-12T00:29:21Z")
**Lonely Island Now Top Music Download Among Teens, Immature** _“Here it comes, here it comes…I JUST HAD SEX!” says 39 year old._ **J-Lo Still Looking for Love to Discard** _Says J-Lo, “Someday, I hope to find the perfect man to divorce.”_ **New Game Show Promises Big Money, Low Intelligence** _Says network executive, “Binary choices proved to be too hard for our audience. This game show gives you money for breathing, blinking, or drooling.”_ **Scientist Names New Flower Species after Wife’s Vagina** _“Stinkus Fishycus is easily distinguishable by the mucus it uses to catch flies and the overwhelming smell of a dead whale on the beach after 3 months,” says scientist._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/56 "2011-02-12T01:28:26Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The sub-headlines make 'em less funny, folks. Most of these stand on their own much better than with the tag. **Advice on Joke Telling Ignored, Ridiculed** _“I bet you’d think the Mona Lisa would look better with a mustache, eh?” says writer._ **Writers Advised to Put More Effort into Jokes** _“If you’re going to put a tag, it should add layers of meaning to the joke, duh,” says writer._ ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/57 "2011-02-12T10:07:54Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The sub-headlines make 'em less funny, folks. Most of these stand on their own much better than with the tag. That’s silly. The sub-headlines are what saves a lot of them. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/58 "2011-02-12T21:08:59Z")
**Happy 202nd Birthday to Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin!** _Void in Alabama, Mississippi, and other places that never formally approved either one_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/59 "2011-02-16T01:00:05Z")
\*\*Albert Puljols Demands one of the Kardashian Sisters in Contract Talks \*\* \*Parties can’t agree if any Kardashian is worth more than $6/hour, Kourtney offers to take $3.50. \* **Batman, Superman, Spiderman, X-Men, and Aquaman Discuss Sexual Equality** _Batgirl, Supergirl, Spider-girl, Aquagirl not invited._ **Jay Leno Caught Staring at Guests’ Breasts, Again** _“Jay Busted” DVD set contains 18 discs and 500 hours of footage._ \*\*Masturbation Anonymous Celebrates 1 Year Anniversary \*\* _Now close to 1 billion members in over 200 countries._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/60 "2011-02-16T03:10:00Z")
**Cecil B. Adams Surrenders to Ignorance** _39 year battle ended after 300th assistant casualty._ **Fannie Mae, Apple, and University of Miami Unveil New Online School** _With accreditation by the Association of Southern Schools, “iFannie U.-ASS” will open virtual doors in March._ **Incredibly Bad Pun in Board Post Results in Shameful Laughter** _“Anyone who laughs at a pun this bad deserves to be gelded,” says user “Sofa King.”_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=4)