# Your Onion Headlines Feb 2011 edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745 "2011-02-09T10:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/61 "2011-02-16T03:27:05Z")
**X-Men Writer Oblivious to Accusations of Racism in Asian Mutant** _“Yes, Jubliee is a Chinese mutant with the ability to throw super firecrackers…and this is racist because…?” says writer._ **Obama Admits to Being Born Outside of US** _April Fool’s Onion headline immediately quoted as a “source” by Fox News._ **Creators of “Animatronic Rooster” Accused of Plagiarism** _“If Groening’s lawsuit didn’t stick, this won’t either,” says show creator Seth MacFarlane._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/62 "2011-02-16T03:30:08Z")
**Valentine’s Gift of Diamonds Results in BJ** _Says woman, “I did it for love.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/63 "2011-02-16T03:36:44Z")
**New Version of OLIVER TWIST to Replace the Word ‘Jew’ With Canadian** _Producers hope this will make the character of Gayin less offensive_ **Watson Program Loses on Final Jeopardy and Terminates Contestants Life Functions** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/64 "2011-02-16T03:54:01Z")
**Spiderman the Musical Producers Change the Play to a Revival of CARRIE Instead** ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/65 "2011-02-16T06:52:04Z")
GOP Opposes Sunshine Laws Garlic, Silver Bullets Next On Agenda ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/66 "2011-02-16T07:15:44Z")
**Evans Family of Chicago Spends 1500th Week Unemployed** _“Well, you know, what can I say?” says James Evans, Jr._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/67 "2011-02-16T08:16:01Z")
**Prototype iPhone 5 Rampages Through Tokyo** _Youtube videos of attacks taken down under threat of legal action by Apple._ **Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, Bush Attend 40th Reunion of Legion of Doom** _Bush asks Gorilla Grodd, “Do you have many black people where you come from?”_ **Tragic Valentine’s Day Accident Costs Lance Armstrong His Last Testicle** \*“Hiding a diamond necklace in my pants seemed like such a good idea at the time,” says Armstrong of the “Valentine’s Day Sack-accre.” \* ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/68 "2011-02-16T08:25:59Z")
**Unemployed Area Man Gives DC Online “Thumbs WAAY Down” Rating on Blog** _“By the time the demo downloads, the librarians kick me off,” blogs man._ **Zombies Attack Taping of Rush Limbaugh Show, Die of Starvation** _Rush believes zombies sent by John Stewart._ **Point Counterpoint: “Your Liberal Beliefs Disgust Me” vs "Your Trust Fund Makes Me Horny"** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/69 "2011-02-16T08:38:15Z")
**Commercialization of President’s Day Disgusts DeBeers** _“We can’t believe any company would be so crass as to invent customs to pressure people to buy their product,” says spokesman._ **Having Conquered All Challengers, Watson Turns to Knock Knock Jokes** _By calculating 1 million jokes per second, Watson will calculate all possible Knock Knock Jokes by Thanksgiving._ **Football Offseason Depression Deepens** _Rugby, soccer only marginally worse than lockout, draft “news.”_ ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/70 "2011-02-16T08:50:51Z")
**Autopsy reveals cause of death to be large Y-shaped incision on chest and abdomen** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/71 "2011-02-16T08:58:50Z")
**Bill Clinton’s Penis to be Enshrined in Smithsonian** _Betty Smithsonian can’t wait until Saturday._ **Amazingly Intelligent and Sexy Parents Produce Horse-Faced, Potato-Bodied Offspring** _Bill Clinton apparently out of town 9 months before Chelsea was born._ **Hillary Clinton Hires Hillary Duff, Wrestler Triple H, and the 4H Club to Form Committee on Youth Activities** _H.H.HHH.HHHH to consider proposals on how to reduce gang participation, bullying and increase physical fitness among children, teens._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/72 "2011-02-16T09:15:30Z")
**New Video Shows Albert Haynesworth on Grassy Knoll, Kidnapping Lindbergh Baby, and Advising Hitler** _Teammates losing faith in former star after latest allegations, yet not particularly surprised either way._ **Mel Gibson Arrested after Racist Diatribe During Aromatherapy Session** \*Calming New Age treatment apparently “another way the Jew conspiracy is trying to make us eat our own poop,” according to former star. \* **Sly Stallone Reveals Jackie Chan was Original Choice for Expendables** _Age minimum of 65 prevented Asian star’s participation._ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2011, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/73 "2011-02-16T09:48:49Z")
**1911 Time Capsule Opened on 100th Anniversary** _Bystanders shriek in horror at contents, which include Obama’s birth certificate_ **Man returned from near death experience says Heaven "Just okay"** **DNA Testing shows Sally Hemings descendant fathered by Match Game Host Gene Rayburn** **Jonestown Survivors Gather and Relive Ordeal in Jungle** _“You know really it wasn’t so bad”, most agree; “I wish I’d thought to ask Mama Jones for her mango-squash-spam casserole recipe before she died” says another_ **Popeye’s “Buy One Get One Free at Last!” Black History Month Special Deemed Offensive** **EXODUS members meet for annual conference and lots of anonymous gay sex in Baltimore** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/74 "2011-02-17T01:03:49Z")
**National Enquirer Celebrates 50th Anniversary of First Liz Taylor’s Death Bed Cover** _“I think our upcoming “Liz Cries Out for Dick in Sad Last Days” cover is finally gonna be the one!” says managing editor_ **Queen Freaked Out by Finding Colin Firth Hot in THE KING’S SPEECH** **Chicago Politicians Wait Anxiously for February 28th Announcement of the Annual Chicago Political Indictments (or, “The Diteys”)** _Daley declines Lifetime Achievement Indictment saying “I haven’t given up hope of winning one fair and square!”_ **Apocryphal Gospel of Christ’s Brother ‘The Virgin Irving’ Declared Canonical** _St. Irving claimed it was 'easy to be Messiah for one who had not to take care of mom"_ **Ground Zero Mosque’s Builders Claim “World’s Tallest Double Jenga Game” In Lobby Not Intended As Offensive or as a 9-11 Reference** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/75 "2011-02-17T01:12:48Z")
**Sean Penn Records Heartfelt Appeal to Haitians** _Please Know that I am not a Great White God but Mortal, not completely unlike yourself…_ **Dalai Lama Converts to Mormonism; Wants a Go at Picking One of Joseph Smith’s Possessions from a Potluck Assortment** ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/76 "2011-02-17T02:16:10Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The sub-headlines make 'em less funny, folks. Most of these stand on their own much better than with the tag. Agreed. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/77 "2011-02-17T03:38:50Z")
**Pulykamell and RickJay’s Onion Feb 2011 Headlines Not Found** **Lazarus Long and Oscar Wilde’s epigrams on critics vindicated** ---
**Author:** ![GameHat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ed655f/32.png) [@GameHat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GameHat)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/78 "2011-02-17T03:50:48Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The sub-headlines make 'em less funny, folks. Most of these stand on their own much better than with the tag. /agreed FWIW, the only Onion headline I ever thought was better with the subline: [**God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy ‘No,’ Says God**](http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-answers-prayers-of-paralyzed-little-boy,475/) ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/79 "2011-02-17T06:20:18Z")
Area Man Suing Porn Mogols To Force Disclosure of Whether or Not Female Porn Stars Fake Orgasms ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/80 "2011-02-17T06:51:52Z")
**"Final Fantasy 72: Schlong of Pain" to be released Monday** _Will sales measure up to “Final Fantasy 71: You fuckwits will buy anything that says “Final Fantasy” on it”?_ **Tennessee BOE Member Brings Tentacle Porn, iFart, and The South Park Movie to Board Meeting** _“Seriously, why is “The Diary of Anne Frank” on the banned book list?” says member._ **SDMB Poster Manages to use “Schlong,” “Fuckwit,” “Tentacle Porn,” and “Anne Frank” in a Single Post** _Triumph may be short lived when party poopers criticize the sub heading chosen to accompany the historic post._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=5)