# Your Onion Headlines Feb 2011 edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745 "2011-02-09T10:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/81 "2011-02-17T07:23:07Z")
Success of GLEE Convinces Many Schools to Greatly Increase their Autotune Budget ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/82 "2011-02-17T19:54:41Z")
**Nation’s pedophiles launch project to fight obesity epidemic among children** _“They’re just not as pretty as they were a decade ago”, laments area pedophile_ **New surgical procedure for everlasting youth involves replacing old body parts with younger ones sweeps through Hollywood** _Cast of Glee still missing. Meryl Streep detained by LAPD_ **Former spouses of Larry King, Liz Taylor, form world’s newest country** **President to give next State of the Union speech in Autotune, traditionalists balk** **Pope killing-spree causes many to question faith, infallibility** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/83 "2011-02-17T20:05:51Z")
Three for the Civil War Sesquicentennial **South Carolina Plans Sesquicentennial Shelling of Fort Sumter Again** **Civil War was not about Slavery, Georgia Legislator Declares** _“It was about State’s Rights to raise armies and attack Federal troops on a field soon turned muddy with blood and carnage, and that’s a right I think we all should still hold dear!”_ **Civil War Reenactors Agree to Use Live Ammo For Greater Historical Accuracy During Sesquicentennial** _Refuse to lose weight or shit outdoors though_ ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/84 "2011-02-17T20:37:37Z")
**Stuck-Together Legos again Top This Year’s Toy Industry Complaints** _Orthodontal Association lauds the results_ **Gallup now Considers Non-respondants in Poll Metrics** _Obama approval rating slips to 0.0002%_ **Area man Still doesn’t Understand Capitalization Style Rules Of Headlines** ---
**Author:** ![fiddlesticks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddlesticks/32/18129_2.png) [@fiddlesticks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fiddlesticks)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/85 "2011-02-17T21:19:55Z")
Opinion: **You Guys Are Still Doing This?** ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2011, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/86 "2011-02-17T21:53:16Z")
**Breaking: fiddlestick’s Mom Inexpensive, Goes All the Way** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/87 "2011-02-18T01:57:04Z")
**Lawsuit Forces Sexual Equality in NAMBLA** _“Finally, we have access to resources that have been denied to us for years,” says female schoolteacher._ **Neo-Nazi, Skinheads, Republicans Turn Hate into Love** _New dating site connecting racist homophobes is a resounding success._ **Vampire Attack on Joan Rivers Turns Ugly** \*Count Angoria poisoned by botulism from botox, and while waiting in the emergency room, disintegrates after 12 hour wait. \* **Pluto Re-Classified Again** _Iconic Disney character now to be called "half dachshund, half beagle._ **Disney to Re-Reboot Hulk Franchise** _“Dammit, third time’s the charm!” says executive._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/88 "2011-02-18T02:11:23Z")
**Crazy 5th Dentist Who Doesn’t Recommend Crest Invents New Poop-Based Toothpaste** _“Um, Bob’s a little…unusual,” say the other 4 dentists while making “drinky drinky” signs with their hands._ **Tylenol Eating Competition to Boost Sagging Reputation Kills 5** _One competitor’s liver melted out of his anus halfway through the contest._ **Pepto Bismol Trademarks the Color Pink** _Massive lawsuit from Calamine Lotion could bankrupt both companies._ **High School Prostitution Ring Forced to Shut Down Because of Dumbass** _Incredibly hot, sexy, underage girls who charged half as much as the pro’s ratted out by that dirty, slimy, punkass bitch Ray Carver who lives at 1455 Wisteria Lane and deserves a filthy beating._ ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/89 "2011-02-18T02:25:28Z")
**Lobster People of Cadmus III Declare War on Human Race** Earth Placing Cargo Ship Full of Melted Butter In Orbit Around Cadmus III Is Cited As Just Cause ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/90 "2011-02-18T02:30:31Z")
\*\*Point-Counterpoint: “My Wife is the Greatest, Kindest, Most Beautiful Woman in the World” vs “My Husband is Gay” Statshot: How Much Money Jerking Off Really Saves You Ask A Short, Fat, Bald Guy Who Gets Lots of Poontang Because He’s Rich\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/91 "2011-02-18T02:45:34Z")
**New NBA Playoff Format to Include All 32 Teams, Pool Play, Round Robin, Loser’s Bracket, 15 Game Series** _New format will only take 9 months to crown a new champion._ **New BCS Ranking System Computer Manufactured by Diebold** _Early trial runs have SMU ranked #1, Texas Tech #2, and George W. Bush #3._ **Old Timer’s Game at HOF Ceremony Breaks Out in Melee** \*Pete Rose using Dave Winfield’s hip to pound Robin Yount likely cause, Ted Williams’ head still missing. \* **Totally Nude Lingerie Bowl Canceled** _Impossible to throw or catch ball when snapped by Wendy “The Waterfall” Johnson._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/92 "2011-02-18T02:53:42Z")
**Somalian Pirates Beaten, Castrated by Cap’n Crunch** _“Toy Surprise” turned out to be armor piercing rounds._ **Actual Toy Found in Cracker Jack Box** _“Obviously a prank by one of our employees,” says spokesman._ \*\*Toy Drive for Poor Children Turns Ugly: Batteries Not Included \*\* _Little boy pushing his new remote controlled car by hand and making “vroom vroom” noises “would rather get an anal probe, jackasses.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/93 "2011-02-18T03:07:38Z")
**Holodeck Janitor Sick of Cleaning Up Spooge** _“Worf is the worst,” says janitor, “Klingon spooge smells like somebody ate vomit and then had diarrhea.”_ **"Rules of Acquisition" on Ferengi Bestseller List for 90,000th Year** _Kindle version most downloaded in history._ **Fashion Watch: Trouble with Tribble Thongs?** _Animal rights groups protest outside of Cyrano Jones Importers._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/94 "2011-02-18T03:24:40Z")
**He-Man, She-Ra Having a Baby** _“No, we haven’t decided on a name yet, but we’re leaning towards It-Thing or They-Us,” say the happy couple._ **Man-E-Faces Reveals Sad Face to Barbara Walters** _Born-Again-Christian talks about child abuse and crushed dreams of being a concert cellist._ **Prince Adam Finally Comes Out of the Closet** _“Whew, it sure takes a long time to polish my sword,” says the prince as he emerges from the Polishing Closet._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/95 "2011-02-18T04:12:04Z")
**Performance Artist Show Canceled After Artist Found Dead** _Person living in glass box in museum for past 6 months actually just crazy, homeless._ **Point-Counterpoint: “Children are our Future” vs "Why Doesn’t Dad Have Red Hair Like Me?"** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/96 "2011-02-18T04:21:43Z")
**Cursed Slip N’ Slide Claims 9th Victim** _Vatican investigators fear demonic possession._ **New Ouija Board is Total Jerk** _“S-U-C-K-I…are you spelling “suck it” again?” asks user. “YES,” replies board._ **Vampire’s Friends Beg Vampire to Stop Drinking Blood of Alcoholics** _“You’ve changed, man,” says friend during new episode of Intervention._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/97 "2011-02-18T07:35:01Z")
**Reed Richards, The Elongated Man, Plastic Man, Metamorpho Top “Most Bonable Superheroes” for 8th Straight Year** _Tony Stark wearing Vibro-Shock Armor Mk.III squeaks into Top 10._ **Legion of Superheros’ Visit to Las Vegas Remains Shrouded in Mystery** _As most of the Legion flies in random circles above the desert, Duo Damsel mans makeshift headquarters at the Mirage Sportsbook._ **Lois Lane, Superman Wedding Called Off for 244th Time** _Friends close to Miss. Lane say she’s on the verge of suicide._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/98 "2011-02-19T19:25:27Z")
**Smurfette Treated for Smurfitis, Again** \*Blackout during orgy caused by too much Smurfamphetamine, Crystal Smurf, and Smurftascy causes her to be unable to identify penetrator…er, perpetrator. \* **Hefty Smurf Wins Mr. Smurf Competition for 200th Straight Year** _Once again, Hefty was the sole competitor._ **Azarel Put Down after Severing Spine in Smurf Trap** _Gargamel unable to make gold out of cat corpse either._ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/99 "2011-02-19T19:35:58Z")
**Area Dairy Queen Owner States Her Milk & Ice Cream Products Cause Entire Male Student Body to Gather on Lawn** _Argues their qualitative superiority; willing to instruct but requires payment_ **Vatican Grants Henry VIII’s Divorce After Long Backlog; Orders English Military to Recapture Jerusalem** **Ten Commandments Judge Orders Death By Stoning of Adulteress in Speeding Ticket Trial** **New Huckleberry Finn Movie to Star Justin Bieber & Will Smith as Huck and Robot Jim** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/100 "2011-02-19T19:46:36Z")
**James Cameron to Produce 3-D IMAX Sequel to PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE** **Three Way Broken Bottle Fight Breaks Out Between Squeaky Fromme, Mary Cheney and Willie Aames on Stage of DANCING WITH THE STARS** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=6)