# Your Onion Headlines Feb 2011 edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 9, 2011, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745 "2011-02-09T10:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/101 "2011-02-19T19:48:36Z")
**Astronomer Neil Degrasse Tyson Claims "The Earth’s a Big Blue Marble When You See it From Out There"** _Only people over 40 seem to comprehend statement_ **Area Teacher Who Used to Hate his Dead-On Resemblance to Sammy Davis, Jr. Now Irked that Nobody Remembers Sammy Davis, Jr.** **Mickey Rooney Asked Secret to an 88 Year Career in Show Business; Responds "Cold in Here… I Just Pissed On Myself"** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/102 "2011-02-19T20:05:38Z")
**Mario and Luigi Arrested after Masturbating in Public Bathroom** _Pee Wee Herman, George Michael send supportive Tweets._ **Yoshi Quits after 30 Years** _“Absolutely sick of this shit,” says Yoshi through a translator._ **Golden Mushroom Found to Cause Gigantism, Flaming Poop, Nerd Orgasms** _Pfizer and Merck race to get first nerdorgamamine pill to market._ ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/103 "2011-02-19T20:39:21Z")
**God Installs Phone Tree for Prayers** “Should help with the volume of calls requesting God’s help for a team to win a particular sporting event or to be cured of whatever affliction God Himself probably gave them in the first place,” explains archangel. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/104 "2011-02-19T23:02:27Z")
**God Closing Facebook Account** _“Nobody gives a shit what I’m doing, only what they want me to do,” says God._ **Jesus to be Special Mediator at NFL Collective Bargaining Meetings** _Says Panthers owner Jerry Richardson, “I don’t care who the fuck his father is, we have to show the players who’s the boss.”_ **Face of Virgin Mary Found in Semen-Stained Sock** _Owner/creator Jerry Edelstein to be a featured guest on Sean Hannity._ **Special Report: Satan Spends Days at a Time Watching Japanese Porn** _Decrease in crime, violence attributed to sailor girl uniforms and semen-soaking._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/105 "2011-02-19T23:15:39Z")
**Breaking: Albert Puljols Turns Down Dictatorship-For-Life of Kansas City in Latest Contract Offer** _“If Kansas City is the best those cheap bastards can do, I’m paying the Red Sox a visit,” says Puljols._ **Michael Vick Accidentally Eats Dog Meat on Goodwill Visit to the Phillipines** _“Fuck. Fuck! FUUUUUCK!” says Vick._ **ESPN Wins Nobel Prize for “30 for 30” Documentary Series** _Nobel committee mesmerized by the power of Rickey Williams’ drug-induced, Shakespearean performance._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/106 "2011-02-20T22:32:55Z")
**IMDB Poster Wonders Why Nobody Appreciates Obscure Movie Quote** _“Turn it up to 11? Really? C’mon! Everybody’s seen it, right? C’mon!!” says poster._ **Innocent Question about “The Monty Hall Problem” Results in 300 Pages of Name-Calling, Multiple Bannings, Deletion of 200 User Accounts** _Thread “NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO START A THREAD ABOUT THE MONTY HALL PROBLEM” gets stickied in all forums._ **Area Woman Depressed She Wasn’t First to Answer Softball Bulletin Board Question** _“Somebody else posted just before me by 30 seconds…again,” laments poster._ **IMDB Posters Seriously Discuss Zombie Biology** _“We like to pretend our thoughts actually matter to someone…anyone,” says poster._ ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/107 "2011-02-21T01:27:25Z")
**Marlee Matlin Chosen to Sing National Anthem at Superbowl 46** _“Whatever goes wrong, we got the perfect out” say promoters_ ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/108 "2011-02-21T01:48:04Z")
**"Why Do The Stars Have To Be So Fricking Far Apart?" Laments Astronomer** “All the other scientists get to make field trips, even fricking paleontologists!” local astronomer fumes. \*\* String Theory Unravelling!\*\* New physics theory propose universe is made up of micro-cosmic dust bunnies. **Ancient Civilizations Crude, Low-Tech Admits Area Archaeologist** “If I read one more paper trying to make a big deal out of pottery sherds I’m gonna puke,” declares disgusted archaeologist. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/109 "2011-02-21T21:18:58Z")
**DC Comics to Destroy, Remake Universe for 4th Time in 20 Years** _“Sounds like an Onion headline, doesn’t it? Boy, I wish.” says collector._ Wow, I was going to make a few more but this one just blew my mind. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2011, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/110 "2011-02-21T23:58:25Z")
**Adult Pet Chimp Viciously Attacks Owner** _“Owner’s face so badly damaged he had to be recognized by his yellow hat”_ ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2011, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/111 "2011-02-22T01:08:12Z")
**Local Man Found Existentially Silly** ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2011, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745/112 "2011-02-22T17:45:41Z")
**Islamic cleric declares fatwa on beard ticks** _“By the grace of the Prophet, we will defeat the infidels!”, Sheik Abdullah said between fits of scratching_ **Out of control Mardi Gras celebration engulfs southeast. National Guard called in to quell celebration** **Revolutionaries inspired by Egypt overthrow Vatican in coup** _Pope in hiding with Saudi royal family_ **Area Muslim “extremely annoyed” at being mistaken as Jewish** **Pluto seen in area gym training for return to planet status** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-feb-2011-edition/570745.md?page=5)