# Your Onion Headlines: January 2013 **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 6, 2013, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246 "2013-01-06T08:32:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2013, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/1 "2013-01-06T08:32:34Z")
**“Church of the Purple Jesus” Granted Tax Exempt Status** _Adrian Peterson is not amused._ **“Expendables 3” Greenlit without Script** _“Meh, didn’t matter the first two times,” says Stallone._ **Crushed Dreams, Rotten Presents Story of Yet Another Christmas** _Kindle Fire tops list of “least wanted, most disappointing” presents of 2012._ **House Republicans Introduce Bill to Outlaw Sex** _“At this point, we’re just trying to see what we can get away with,” says Boehner._ [Check earlier thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=596451) to prevent duplicates. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/2 "2013-01-07T16:58:53Z")
**Richard Heene to Host New Reality Show: How Should I Exploit My Kids Next?** _Desperate cry for attention picked up by AMC, then immediately canceled._ **New Internet Meme Kills 16** _“Genitalia Gargoyle Breading Maru-Style” results in 4 victims torn completely in half._ **Golden Raspberry Foundation Unable to Name Razzie Award for "Looper"** _“If anybody can figure out what the hell is going on, please give us a call,” says spokesman._ **NRA Manages to Kill 6 Year Old School Shooter Before Rampage** _“Thank God we got that psycho before he hurt any kids,” says Heston._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/3 "2013-01-07T17:14:10Z")
**George W. Bush Critical of Obama’s “Overstanding” Vacation Time** \*Obama 2.5% of the way to breaking GWB’s single term record for most vacation days by a US president. \* **Area Man Masturbates with Vaseline for the First Time** _In related news, perpetrators of massive sock bonfire still unidentified._ **US Falls Off Fiscal Cliff** _US released from hospital after being treated for minor injuries._ **Kim Kardashian to “Accidentally” Release Another Totally Private Sex Video** _Film tentatively titled “Raiders of the Lost Kim” to be directed by Mel Brooks._ ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/4 "2013-01-07T18:32:00Z")
**Helicopter Parents Show Up In, Ruin, Area Youngster’s Dreams** **Area Man Flashes Wife After Shower** \*\* Quantum Physicists Acknowledge Quantum Physics Bullshit; Giant Social Experiment in Gullibility\*\* ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/5 "2013-01-07T19:39:38Z")
**NFL Player Fined for making routine catch in end zone.** _“He didn’t even try to make it look spectacular”, commissioner rules._ **Career Ending Blunder lands Weatherman out in the Storm** _Local weather forecaster accidentally gives the weather forecast during a teaser segment._ **Area Man’s Haircut was simply just that.** "_My ears haven’t moved", man protests._ ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/6 "2013-01-07T19:54:02Z")
**Area Man Looks At Watch, Has Time For One More Beer** **Gun Goes on Rampage** _17 Guns Reported Dead_ **Apple Secedes** **Cantor Issues Statement while On Ecstasy** _“Tax the Living Shit Out of Everything, Especially Unicorns!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/7 "2013-01-07T19:54:16Z")
**Triple Breasted Martian Whore to Appear in Game of Thrones** \*\*Last Blu-Ray Copy of New Film Remains on Video Store Shelf \*\* **Obama Pistol Whips Boehner in Parking Lot of KFC** **Honey Boo Boo Revealed to be Shaved Possum** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/8 "2013-01-07T20:16:49Z")
**Area Dog Finds Master’s Leg No Longer Attractive Enough to Hump** _“I can’t get my paws around her thigh anymore, and her cankle is rubbing me raw,” says Sparky through a translator._ **After 64 Years, Lucy Van Pelt Finally Arrested for Aggravated Stalking** _“I’m totally sick of her shit,” says victim, aged 9, “Look how many dings her elbows put into my piano.”_ **Pixar Studios Seen with Black Eye, Missing Tooth, while Working Corner of 5th and Broadway** _“No comment, just leave me alone, I gotta bring in more money for Daddy,” says Pixar._ **"That Dickhead" Spiderman Reported to Rub his Non-Virgin Status into the Face of Every Hero He Meets** _“Look, my girlfriend died 70 years ago, OK?” says Captain America._ ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/9 "2013-01-07T20:18:17Z")
Better: **Biden Pistol Whips Boehner in Parking Lot of KFC** ---
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/10 "2013-01-07T20:19:59Z")
**Wide Receiver Convinces Ref to Throw Pass Interference Flag** **Rex Ryan Names Rex Ryan Starting QB** **LeBron James Takes His Talents to South Pole** ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/11 "2013-01-07T20:56:49Z")
**Time Traveler’s Wife Realizes Chicago Stupid Place to Live for Naked Time Travel** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/12 "2013-01-07T20:57:22Z")
**David Caruso Forgets to Pause in the Middle of a Sentence during Taping of CSI: Miami** _Several people playing the “Horatio Caine: The Drinking Game” rushed to hospital as penalty for a missed pause is downing an entire bottle of Jack Daniels._ **Hot, Up and Coming Actress Somehow Still Doing Voice on Lame Ass Cartoon** _Mila Kunis’ contract with The Family Guy rumored to be linked to a set of photographs in a vault at Seth MacFarlane’s house._ **Happy 40th Birthday, Cameron Diaz!** _Career immediately terminated by Hollywood exec’s and blacklisted._ **Ask A Guy Who Thinks His Penis is Actually Longer Thanks to Internet-Purchased Pills** **Statshot: What the Crap on American Pickers _Actually_ Sells For** ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/13 "2013-01-07T21:07:06Z")
**John McCain’s Corpse to Make 2016 Presidential Bid** **KFC to Feature “Double Down Lite”: Bacon and Cheese Without the Chicken Patties** **Biden to Unveil His Own Brand of Tequila** ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/14 "2013-01-07T21:24:50Z")
Some more: \*\*John Boehner Spends Entire Filibuster Period Softly Weeping at Dais Tom Brady to Hand Over Play-Calling, Haircut Decisions to Offensive Coordinator Disney Trying Really Hard Not to Incorporate Mickey Mouse into 7th Star Wars Movie Area Man Still Not Pathetic Enough for Pity Sex\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/15 "2013-01-07T21:28:36Z")
**New Documentary about Time Travel to Be Released Last Friday** **’Morbidly Obese" to be Re-Classified as “Average” in 32 US States.** _“Overweight” to be defined as .6 tons._ **Area Man Scratches Nut Sack in Park** _“I’m just worried the bag will break before I can feed the squirrels,” says man._ **Chuck Norris Shows Softer Side, Spares the Life of One of Three Home Intruders** _Several witnesses claim to have seen mythical beard fist._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/16 "2013-01-07T21:50:00Z")
**Ron Jeremy to Take Dramatic Turn in "CA$H: ATM 7"** **Sex Scandal Involving Elmo Puppeteer Actually Frame Job by Cookie Monster Puppeteer** _Bert puppeteer believes innocent prank in '97 escalated into heated rivalry._ **Area Woman Buys Leggings, Professes to Not Be Cold** _If true, woman could be the first not cold woman in history._ **After Years of Drug Abuse, Loose Women, and 3 Divorces, Rock Star Vows to Turn Over a New Leaf** _“Screw marriage,” says rocker._ ---
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/17 "2013-01-07T21:51:53Z")
**McDonalds Introduces Chicken McLivers** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/18 "2013-01-07T22:12:54Z")
**Hogwarts Enjoys Day Not Centered Around, Involving, or Affected by Harry Potter** _“Everybody was just kinda milling around, it’s like nobody knew what to do,” says student._ **Hercules Attempts to Cash in with “Great Story Bro” Merchandise** _“Somebody is making a lot of money off me, and I’m still living in the projects…that’s not right” says god._ **Sneezy Wins the 4th Annual Dwarf Fantasy Football League for First Time** _“Winner gets to bang Cindy, but I heard she caught crabs from Doc last year,” said the happy dwarf._ **Buddha Injured by Blast after Drawing Picture of Mohammad** _“It was a friggen birthday gift for him man, A BIRTHDAY GIFT!” said the shaken diety._ ---
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2013, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/19 "2013-01-07T22:29:22Z")
**Superhal Jumps the Shark in SDMB Thread** ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/20 "2013-01-08T00:56:47Z")
**Joe Biden to buy Hooters Franchise** _“With the amount of time I spend there, they should be paying ME!”_ **Next Scary Movie film to tackle depression, schizophrenia, and religious fundamentalism** _“Marlon and I both felt that as filmmakers, we needed to grow”, says Wayans brother in interview in Variety magazine_ **Jesus filibustered as Obama nominee for Secretary of State** _Top GOP lawmaker says unconfirmed reports of prostitute friends “troubling”_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246.md?page=2)