# Your Onion Headlines: January 2013 **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 6, 2013, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246 "2013-01-06T08:32:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rysto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@Rysto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysto)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/21 "2013-01-08T01:27:33Z")
**NHL launches “Thank you, suckers” ad campaign to heal rift with fans** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/22 "2013-01-08T03:03:10Z")
**Superbowl Ad Rates Cause Network Execs to Spontaneously Jizz** _“We’re getting Ferrari’s!” says happy executive._ **Yo Yo Ma’s US Tour to be Sponsored by Duncan Toys** _Famed cellist can’t understand what’s so damn funny._ **Mysterious Deaths of Pro Wrestlers Finally Found to be Caused by Dumb Storylines** _Discovery comes just in time to save the lives of CM Punk, Samoa Joe, and everybody who would have feuded with Hulk Hogan._ **JC Penny’s Joins the March of Dimes and the Steven R. Nichols Foundation in Fundraiser** _“A night with Penny’s, Nichols and Dimes” expected to draw decent crowd and groans._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/23 "2013-01-08T03:18:02Z")
**Thundercats Reunion Special Marred by Protesters** _Lionel doused with ketchup by person holding “REAL FUR IS MURDER” sign._ **Samurai Jack Commits Hara Kiri** _Loss of dear off-camera friend, Aku, sent him into depression, autopsy reveals traces of alcohol and crystal meth in system._ **Wolverine Reveals Biggest Drawback of Admantium Skeleton: Fart PSI of 250 or higher** _“I can’t sleep on my back,” says famed X-Man._ **Sue Richards Voted “Luckiest Woman Alive” by Peers** _“Man, I’d give my left arm to get what she’s getting…er, have what she has,” says She-Hulk._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/24 "2013-01-08T03:28:50Z")
**Autographed Penis of Bob Marley on New Pawn Stars Episode** _“It’s old, it’s rare, it’s historic, and I want it,” says Rick Harrison._ **Tonight on Bamazon: The Bama Boys Find Handful of Old Coins and an Old Radio** _“Seriously, we’ve been in this fricken jungle for 4 weeks now and this is all we got?” says crewmember._ **Euthanasia Scandal Hits Animal Planet’s "Too Cute!"** _Litter of beagles featured on November show immediately shoved into microwave after show wraps._ **Darryl Sheets Shivs Dave Hester Jr. During Storage Auction** _“That’s what I call 'The OW Factor,” says Sheets during arrest._ ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/25 "2013-01-08T03:37:47Z")
**Obama tricks GOP with proposed tax reduction for billionaires** _“We instinctively voted against it without thinking”_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/26 "2013-01-08T03:41:46Z")
**Bill Belichek’s Son’s Little League Team Destroys Opponent in Championship Game, 47-3** _Belicheck proud of son’s decision to join the Dark Side of the Force._ **Reason for Adrian Peterson’s Motivation: Dissed in Fantasy Draft** _“Can you believe it? Some sites had me ranked in the 4th round. The fourth, fucking, round,” says Peterson angrily._ **Roshambo to Replace Coin Toss in Superbowl** \*“The International Roshambo league came and asked us to help promote the sport,” says commissioner. \* **Michael Jordan Decides No Challenges Left on Earth, Joins NASA** _“We are happy that MJ is going to our ambassador to space, since like he’s done it before,” says NASA spokesman, referring to documentary “Space Jams.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/27 "2013-01-08T04:00:16Z")
**Obama signs law creating new, all african american military branch accountable only to him** _We have the coast guard on border safety, the air force in the skies, the navy in the seas with the marines and army focused on foreign interventions, we need a heavily armed sixty military branch focused on domestic stability and crowd control, Obama says_. Full of photos of armed, uniformed black men with machine guns beating running tea partiers. **War on christmas put on back burner until Nov 2013, or until new diversion needed** **US to send 10 million americans to Chinese restaurants to wash dishes** _Paying off the national debt is everyone’s responsibility_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/28 "2013-01-08T04:09:23Z")
**Movies about Gay Coal Miners, Gay Firemen, and Gay Ninjas to go Head-to-Head for Palme D’or** **Expendables 3 to get New Asian Replacement for Jet Li: Voltron** **Turf War Between Star Wars, Star Trek, and Firefly Geeks Leaves 6 dead, Destroys ComiCon** **Former '80’s Icon, Elizabeth Shue, One Mortgage Payment Away from Hardcore Porn** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/29 "2013-01-08T04:24:12Z")
**Area Man First in History to Not Laugh at Fart/Toilet Jokes** _Has been in vegetative state since the '70’s._ **Serial Record Breaker, Charles “Jimmy” Jones, to Attempt to Set 400th Guinness Book of World Records Record** _“He’s a sad, lonely man,” says Guinness official who will witness how many boiled eggs he can shove up his butt left-handed, if achieved, will be his 223rd record involving butt-shovage._ **Electronic Cigarettes Give Woman Virtual Lung Cancer** **Scope to Remove Alcohol-Free Mouthwash from Shelves after Protest by Nation’s Alcoholics.** _“You bastards better not make us drink Aqua Net again!” shout protesters_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/30 "2013-01-08T04:32:26Z")
**Newly Discovered Distant Cousin’s Lost Son’s Clone Now Brings Number of Scott Summer’s Extended Family Tree to 3,422** **Every Man in the Galaxy to Ask Duo Damsel for Date Friday Night** **Hawkman Demands Cool Nuclear Mace Like Hawkgirl, but Bigger, Thicker, and Longer** **Green Lantern’s New Girlfriend, Ayaka Satoyama, Unaffected by Ring’s Power for Unknown Reason** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/31 "2013-01-08T04:48:11Z")
**NeoNazis Hold Renaissance Fair to Educate about Hate** _Displays include the torture rack, public stoning, and burning at the stake._ **Holocaust Museum Holds Bake Sale to Raise Funds for New Expansion** _“We hope there’s a good turnout, the oven we’re using is massive!” says spokesperson._ **Happy Cattle Co. Ironically Struck by Mad Cow Disease** _Company mascot, Smiling Sammy, put down with air rod gun._ **North Korea Demands Somebody to Pay Attention to Them** \*“We’re gonna burn styrofoam, club baby seals, and shit in the water at the beach,” threatens Kim Il Dong. \* ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/32 "2013-01-08T05:07:44Z")
**Beast Boy Ridiculed by Other Teen Titans for Only Being Accepted at CalTech** **Aqualad Spending More and More Time at Russian Steam Baths** \*\*In Candid Interview with Larry King, Ms. Marvel Reveals Hobby of Popping Male Virgins, Secret Attraction to Kree Males, Teen Abortion \*\* **Team Speed Racer Accused of Doping, Stripped of Titles Won Since 1960** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/33 "2013-01-08T05:16:41Z")
**Wham-O Refuses to Rename New Slip N’ Slide Accessory, Golden Shower** _“Look, our company name is Wham. O. It’s for the Slip. N. Slide.” says spokesperson._ **Hasbro Refuses to Put Choking Warning on Nerf Football, Instead Saying "Not for Stupid Kids"** **New Version of Monopoly Comes with 50% Less Play Money Because of Recession** **Tragic Death After Beatdown During Game of Sorry! Prompts Recall** _Says toy company spokesperson, “Sorry!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/34 "2013-01-08T05:33:20Z")
**Dazzler Pranks Tony Stark with “Welcome to the World of AIDS!” Written on Bathroom Mirror** **After Brainwashing, Squirrel Girl Destroys Half of Galaxy** **New Film about Wonder Twins Greenlit by Imbeciles** **Batplane, Batmobile, Batboat, and Bat Cave Inoperable Because of 2 Hour Windows 8 Update** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/35 "2013-01-08T05:53:24Z")
**Carrot Top to Try Out for UFC** _Dana White warns comedian about foreign objects, piss tests._ **Hulk Hogan Finally Reveals What’s in His "Vitamins"** **Ric Flair Attempts 45th Career Comeback in Japan** **During Interview, Barbara Walters Demands to be Chokeslammed by The Giant** _In incredible reversal, Walters manages to get the Giant to tap out to modified cross-face chicken wing._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/36 "2013-01-08T06:05:17Z")
**Godzilla, Mothra, Ghidra, Mecha Godzilla to Attend High School Reunion at Monster Island High** **14th Annual Air Guitar Championship Draws Invisible Crowd** \*\*“Rude Obnoxious Stink American” Becomes Surprise Manga Best-Seller \*\* **The Tokyo Tsunami Bar and Grill: Too Soon?** ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/37 "2013-01-08T06:07:36Z")
> [@Superhal](#): > > **Former '80’s Icon, Elizabeth Shue, One Mortgage Payment Away from Hardcore Porn** Are you aware Shue is a current regular on a top-rated TV series? ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/38 "2013-01-08T06:20:29Z")
**Newly Re-Formed Nirvana Hires Random Filipino to Replace Curt Cobain** **Area Man Sad to Realize Fake Band Spinal Tap Actually More Talented than His Band** \*\*Snoop Lion adopts puppy for son, Snoop Dogg Jr. \*\* _Puppy to be named Alexander._ **After Car Accident, Sir MixALot No Longer Likes Big Butts** ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/39 "2013-01-08T06:25:04Z")
**Former '80’s Icon, Elizabeth Shue, One Mortgage Payment Away from Hardcore Porn** _Massive debt caused by poor business decisions, wild parties, and Internet gambling._ ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2013, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246/40 "2013-01-08T06:32:47Z")
**Mary Marvel Reveals Stepfather Marvel’s Abuse** **Krypto Neutered, Thought Balloon Reveals Plans for Revenge** **Bottle City of Kandor’s City Council Votes to Approve First Step in Becoming Mayonnaise Jar City of Kandor** **Kryptonite Reaches 15 Year High on the Luthor Stock Exchange, Closing at $2000 per Troy Ounce** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-onion-headlines-january-2013/646246.md?page=3)