# Your otherwise-wonderful new lover refuses to touch, hug, or kiss. Are you bothered? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 16, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980 "2010-09-16T16:39:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/1 "2010-09-16T16:39:58Z")
After an extended-but-not-pathetic period of singlehood you embark upon a new love affair. The person in question is smart, hot, funny, financially-stable, and everything else you’re looking for in a partner. But, except for bed (where the sex in great), the new lover refuses to as much as hold your hand, whether in public or in private; and kissing is entirely off the table. Are you bothered? How much, and why? Poll in a moment. I would offer cheesecake to those who comment in the thread but then there would be less cheesecake for me, and I am very selfish. ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/2 "2010-09-16T16:50:11Z")
Kissing and things of the sort are not REQUIRED to adequately show affection. Indeed, they are the most common methods, but if you have things that work for you then who cares what convention says? If he/she makes you happy in every other way, then I don’t see why either would be a requirement. I do plenty of both with my girlfriend, but that’s only because we both enjoy it and it makes us feel close to one another. ---
**Author:** ![Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunshine_and_Smiles)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/3 "2010-09-16T16:52:20Z")
How could we even get to sexin’ without kissing/touching a little first? Actually… Nah. Voted ‘seriously bothered’ because I need lots of attention, and how else am I going to know she’s down? ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/4 "2010-09-16T16:54:11Z")
Seriously bothered here. I’m I big proponent of PDA’s and would be totally turned off by “distance” in public. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/5 "2010-09-16T16:54:21Z")
> [@Sunshine\_and\_Smiles](#): > > How could we even get to sexin’ without kissing/touching a little first? > > Actually… > > Nah. Voted ‘seriously bothered’ because I need lots of attention, and how else am I going to know she’s down? Are you a guy? Because if you are, the answer is clearly that, when you lean in for a the first kiss, she smiles, draws back slightly, and moves a hand to your privates. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/6 "2010-09-16T16:54:24Z")
It would make me wonder if he’s already in another relationship and doesn’t want to get caught in public. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/7 "2010-09-16T16:57:39Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > It would make me wonder if he’s already in another relationship and doesn’t want to get caught in public. Suppose that’s not an issue? That is, suppose he makes no bones about introducing you to people as his new squeeze; he invites you to both work and family events and walks you around to show you off, saying, “Hi, guys. This is **sandra\_nz** , my new honey. She rocks beyond the telling of it, and her only flaw is that I didn’t meet her ten years ago.” Are you still bothered? ETA: Note that he’s the same way in private. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/8 "2010-09-16T17:02:44Z")
Having sex with someone who never shows any other affection to you can be handle through the services of Craigslist, I believe. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/9 "2010-09-16T17:04:37Z")
Not workable. I need my SO to be on the same page as me insofar as that is concerned. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/10 "2010-09-16T17:06:21Z")
I’m a woman, and public smooching/caressing/PDA is pretty low on my preferences list for partners – but if someone refuses to touch in any way in public, EVER, there is something that I consider very severely wrong with them (or the relationship), and I dump them. They are taking a very extreme position. I mean, unless I’ve misunderstood the OP you can’t even sit overly close to one another, lest your legs make contact, or loop arms on the street? Lean against their shoulder on a long train trip? Offer a goodbye kiss when being dropped off at the airport? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/11 "2010-09-16T17:06:34Z")
Dealbreaker. I’m huge on cuddling and PDAs. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/12 "2010-09-16T17:06:34Z")
I picked “it would seriously bother me”, but I doubt we’d even get to the point of the hot monkey sex in the first place. This is a complete deal-breaker for me. I am a physically affectionate person; I _like_ to touch, kiss, snuggle, hug, hold hands, etc. Not in a “dude, get a room” way, but in a way that reaffirms our connection. If my partner won’t happily do any of that, or doesn’t like it when I do the same, I will feel rejected and unloved. I’ve been in relationships like that, and I was absolutely miserable. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/13 "2010-09-16T17:07:44Z")
There’s no such thing as a good lover who only touches you when you’re having sex. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/14 "2010-09-16T17:09:39Z")
I’d want to know the reason. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/15 "2010-09-16T17:11:08Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > I am a physically affectionate person; I _like_ to touch, kiss, snuggle, hug, hold hands, etc. Not in a “dude, get a room” way, but in a way that reaffirms our connection. Yep. My last GF and I made a deal pretty early on that whenever we were together we were touching in some way. That sort of faded out towards the end of the relationship, and was, in fact, part of the reason the relationship ended. ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/16 "2010-09-16T17:11:26Z")
I’ve put up with someone kind of like that before, but never again. I’m kicking her ass to the curb. ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/17 "2010-09-16T17:13:46Z")
Welcome to the main reason for my last LTR ending. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/18 "2010-09-16T17:14:43Z")
Yeah, this is what happened to me before my wife left. It sucks with no affection. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/19 "2010-09-16T17:20:20Z")
I picked somewhat taken aback. I’m not a touchy-feely person, and I’d actually be fine with him “rarely” or “only occasionally” touching in public but never ever is a little troubling. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/20 "2010-09-16T17:20:29Z")
I’d kick her ass to the curb. Mutual respect is the basis for any successful relationship, and she is dissing me by treating me this way in public. She is not a nice person. All other considerations, are not to be considered at all. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980.md?page=2)