# Your otherwise-wonderful new lover refuses to touch, hug, or kiss. Are you bothered? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 16, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980 "2010-09-16T16:39:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/21 "2010-09-16T17:32:27Z")
> [@ghardester](#): > > I’d kick her ass to the curb. Mutual respect is the basis for any successful relationship, and she is dissing me by treating me this way in public. How so? She’s not saying or doing anything to deny that you’re in a relationship. Maybe she’s just a Vulcan. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/22 "2010-09-16T17:35:38Z")
Based on experience, I’d worry, because the “hands-off” attitude will eventually spread to the bedroom. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/23 "2010-09-16T17:36:31Z")
> [@](#): > > I’d want to know the reason. Agreed. She might have a good reason for it that I’d respect if I knew it, or she might just be completely neurotic. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/24 "2010-09-16T17:42:53Z")
Nobody is going to manage to skip the kissing or touching with me. Never mind, dude. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/25 "2010-09-16T17:45:28Z")
No way. I’m not big on PDAs, but no touching at ALL? Even in private? I’d rather have someone less perfect whom I can hug. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/26 "2010-09-16T17:46:16Z")
Outside of sex and foreplay, my husband is not particularly demonstrative. Sometimes I really REALLY need a little affection (we’ll hug if he knows I need it) but otherwise no and for the most part, its ok. No PDA’s out of us, ever, never hold hands, I have to really stretch my legs to keep up with him when we are walking, and most of the time, I don’t bother and just walk at my own pace. He’ll pause and give me crap once he gets about 20 feet in front of me, then I really slow down (absurdly) and give him crap right back. However, its not fully no affection (which I think the OP is trying to get at) but when (again outside of sex and foreplay) I get a kiss when I go to bed and he gets one when I leave in the morning, and that’s it, I’m already pretty close to the OP, and while sometimes it sucks, most of the time its not even on my radar. ETA: in retrospect - I missed the point that this is a new lover. that would be a problem, because that is how you develop affection for one another. Then as the relationship evolves, for some of us, displays of affections become less vital. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/27 "2010-09-16T17:49:45Z")
We’d never get past casually dating, I really need that hug at the end of my workday. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/28 "2010-09-16T17:51:16Z")
> [@otternell](#): > > Outside of sex and foreplay, my husband is not particularly demonstrative. Sometimes I really REALLY need a little affection (we’ll hug if he knows I need it) but otherwise no and for the most part, its ok. No PDA’s out of us, ever, never hold hands, I have to really stretch my legs to keep up with him when we are walking, and most of the time, I don’t bother and just walk at my own pace. He’ll pause and give me crap once he gets about 20 feet in front of me, then I really slow down (absurdly) and give him crap right back. > > However, its not fully no affection (which I think the OP is trying to get at) but when (again outside of sex and foreplay) I get a kiss when I go to bed and he gets one when I leave in the morning, and that’s it, I’m already pretty close to the OP, and while sometimes it sucks, most of the time its not even on my radar. Are you married to my ex-husband? Seriously, I want to shout that! This is my ex down to every detail. He was pretty good in bed, but he was a terrible kisser, not affectionate for the most part, and the walking thing–wow. I found it extremely insulting and rude to be left behind that way all the time. ---
**Author:** ![apollonia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2bfe46/32.png) [@apollonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/apollonia)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/29 "2010-09-16T17:56:02Z")
No way. I hate PDA and think it’s disgusting, but the in-private thing is much more disturbing to me. Don’t want to hold hands or kiss in public? Fine, a little weird, but I suppose I can deal with that. If we’re getting to in private and you don’t ever want to touch me? No. Freaky. There is a boundary, for me, though–I don’t want you to be touching me ALWAYS. I had an ex who did this, and I lived with a girl whose boyfriend did this–if they were together, they were glued together. As one. They were touching. She was cooking, he was standing behind her spooning her. She was sitting on the floor assembling something, he was sitting behind her spooning her. She was working at her desk, he was sitting at her feet, lying on her knees. It was a little weird. But to not be able to touch you EVER? No, a definite dealbreaker. Physical affection is how I can express love and care. I want to hug you at the end of your day or when you’ve done something nice for me. I want to cuddle on the couch while watching TV. I want to lie in your lap while watching a movie. I want to rub your head when you have a headache. Kiss you before I leave the house. By refusing these things, you’re refusing me an expression of care and love. So, a dealbreaker. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/30 "2010-09-16T18:23:28Z")
I can’t even imagine a relationship working that way. Even my sheltered ex-wife who had probably never been seriously kissed before we started dating was able to start being physically affectionate very early on. One would have to pretty much consciously refuse to be affectionate, I would think. I can’t imagine a situation where someone would have “great sex” and not touch, hug, or kiss either. Not doing any of those things doesn’t equal great sex in my book at all. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/31 "2010-09-16T18:43:34Z")
I’d be very bothered. There’s a whole continuum of physical contact with a beautiful woman that I enjoy, from holding hands to a peck on the cheek to kissing full on the lips to stroking various curves to… well, you know. Why would I want just what’s on the far end of the scale? It’s _all_ good. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/32 "2010-09-16T19:03:45Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@sandra\_nz](#): > > > > It would make me wonder if he’s already in another relationship and doesn’t want to get caught in public. > > Suppose that’s not an issue? That is, suppose he makes no bones about introducing you to people as his new squeeze; he invites you to both work and family events and walks you around to show you off, saying, “Hi, guys. This is **sandra\_nz** , my new honey. She rocks beyond the telling of it, and her only flaw is that I didn’t meet her ten years ago.” > > Are you still bothered? > > ETA: Note that he’s the same way in private. Yep, i’m still bothered, if a little less suspicious. 😉 I’d definitely want to understand why they were that way. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/33 "2010-09-16T19:30:56Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > Suppose that’s not an issue? That is, suppose he makes no bones about introducing you to people as his new squeeze; he invites you to both work and family events and walks you around to show you off, saying, “Hi, guys. This is **sandra\_nz** , my new honey. She rocks beyond the telling of it, and her only flaw is that I didn’t meet her ten years ago.” > > > > Are you still bothered? > > > > ETA: Note that he’s the same way in private. > > Yep, i’m still bothered, if a little less suspicious. 😉 > > I’d definitely want to understand why they were that way. _A little less suspicious_, of course, equals _still suspicious_. What is it you suspect? Upon review, I think persons who say that the no-kissing/hugging/etc. at all person will never become a lover, so I think I should specify that this hypothetical person is willing to kiss, hold hands, hug, and so forth in private, but not in public. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/34 "2010-09-16T19:31:09Z")
The moment I knew my marriage was doomed: it was about a week before we had the “maybe we should spend some time apart” talk. We were in a coffee shop ordering some morning java. She got hers, then I got mine, and I turned to see her walking out the door and down the sidewalk without even waiting for me. Looking back, I realized that was the moment. She just didn’t give a shit anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/35 "2010-09-16T19:32:11Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > There’s no such thing as a good lover who only touches you when you’re having sex. Quite - otherwise they’re just your fucker aren’t they? For me I can’t imagine what it must be like to NOT be bothered by this. Basically you’re saying you don’t want any of the things that make a relationship special. Getting someone to have sex with you is easy, getting them to sleep with you, kiss you, stroke you and look into your eyes whilst telling you how they feel about you is much much much much harder. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/36 "2010-09-16T19:50:11Z")
I’ve known a lot of girls like this actually. They didn’t want to be known as sluts in high school, so they never, ever touched their boyfriends in public. It worked, actually. I’ve also known girls who were shy in public. No problem. My wife now is uncomfortable with it as well. It doesn’t bother me. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/37 "2010-09-16T20:16:12Z")
I’m okay with minimizing PDA in public. But for me, the difference between “random hookup” and “relationship” is showing affection, kissing, hugging, spooning, etc. If I didn’t want or need affection, I’d just get sex off of Craig’s list and go on about my merry way. I wouldn’t bother dating someone who didn’t like affection. I would think: •Maybe the person is gay and closeted and therefore, is secretly skeeved out by my gender, or •Maybe the person is involved in another or several other relationships and doesn’t want to be spotted holding hands in public (could even be married), or •Has some serious emotional problems that prevent said person from being about to connect and participate fully as an adult in an adult, intimate relationship. Intimacy issues. Or, •The person was sexually abused as a child and has “problems” with touching and hasn’t dealt with their shit properly. I think my imagination would run wild thinking up curiouser and curiouser reasons for being this way. I’m pretty sure I would not accept any explanation the person offered because I simply cannot wrap my brain around the idea that someone might not like kissing. Or a backrub while watching TV. Hell, I can’t even get my motor revved up for sex without kissing, so that date would never get laid with me if he couldn’t give up _some_ affection in private. Is this a hypothetical or a real-world situation? I’m curious if the OP has or is personally experiencing this phenomenon because if that’s the case, then I am keenly interested in hearing what the reasoning is. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/38 "2010-09-16T20:17:19Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Upon review, I think persons who say that the no-kissing/hugging/etc. at all person will never become a lover, so I think I should specify that this hypothetical person is willing to kiss, hold hands, hug, and so forth in private, but not in public. This would never be a problem for me. I don’t think we ever had any PDA’s even when we started dating (been together 16 yrs, 10 of those married). I would have been more uncomfortable (and probably have ditched him) if he had been all touchy-feely in public. There’s a time and place for everything, and most of those times and places don’t involve being in public. Some people just aren’t into that. Whatever floats yer boat! ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/39 "2010-09-16T20:23:32Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > Are you married to my ex-husband? Seriously, I want to shout that! This is my ex down to every detail. He was pretty good in bed, but he was a terrible kisser, not affectionate for the most part, and the walking thing–wow. I found it extremely insulting and rude to be left behind that way all the time. Too funny! I just let him do his thing - but I refuse to take crap about it. I’m 5’4" he’s 6’4", so there’s no way a normal stride for me will cover as much ground. If he wants to be an ass and stride off, I let him. I also let him know I think he’s being an ass! I don’t think I could have ever found anyone as perfect for me as he is. His being an ass generally balances out with the times when I’m a bitch, and since both don’t usually happen at the same time, its all good. For now. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/40 "2010-09-16T20:27:29Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > I’m okay with minimizing PDA in public. But for me, the difference between “random hookup” and “relationship” is showing affection, kissing, hugging, spooning, etc. If I didn’t want or need affection, I’d just get sex off of Craig’s list and go on about my merry way. I wouldn’t bother dating someone who didn’t like affection. > > I would think: > > •Maybe the person is gay and closeted and therefore, is secretly skeeved out by my gender, or > •Maybe the person is involved in another or several other relationships and doesn’t want to be spotted holding hands in public (could even be married), or > •Has some serious emotional problems that prevent said person from being about to connect and participate fully as an adult in an adult, intimate relationship. Intimacy issues. Or, > •The person was sexually abused as a child and has “problems” with touching and hasn’t dealt with their shit properly. > > I think my imagination would run wild thinking up curiouser and curiouser reasons for being this way. \*\*I’m pretty sure I would not accept any explanation the person offered because I simply cannot wrap my brain around the idea that someone might not like kissing. \*\*Or a backrub while watching TV. Hell, I can’t even get my motor revved up for sex without kissing, so that date would never get laid with me if he couldn’t give up _some_ affection in private. > > Is this a hypothetical or a real-world situation? I’m curious if the OP has or is personally experiencing this phenomenon because if that’s the case, then I am keenly interested in hearing what the reasoning is. What do you mean in the bolded section? That is, what does _not accepting anything the person says_ mean? I can only think of two possibilities: [ol] [li]No matter what explanation the person gives you, you are unwilling to continue the relationship because of the idiosyncrasy; or[/li][li]No matter what the person says, you don’t believe that the person truly means it.[/li][/ol] Is it one of those or something else? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980.md?page=3)