# Your otherwise-wonderful new lover refuses to touch, hug, or kiss. Are you bothered? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 16, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980 "2010-09-16T16:39:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/41 "2010-09-16T20:37:48Z")
Seriously bothered. I realize some guys are more open with expressing their feelings in public than others. But in private too? For someone to “refuse” to kiss me, even in private, that’s evidence of a real problem. Of course if everything else is perfect, I’m not going to break up with him just for that. But over time, I hope I’d get a sense of what’s behind his refusal, and see if I can help him work on getting over it. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/42 "2010-09-16T20:51:13Z")
Man, the male and female reponses on this are effectively identical. Interesting. FWIW, I’m a pretty tactile person, so it would drive me nuts to have no touching outside of sex. (Also, it would be completely nonsensical to be 100% okay with it during sex and 100% against it at all other times. And where do you draw the line?) ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/43 "2010-09-16T20:53:08Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > (Also, it would be completely nonsensical to be 100% okay with it during sex and 100% against it at all other times. And where do you draw the line?) You have to put your penis inside her vagina before you can shake her hand and say “Nice to meet you.” ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/44 "2010-09-16T21:58:20Z")
Dealbreaker for me, assuming the person is of my generation or younger. I guess older people could be prudes about PDAs, but at my age, I’d assume the person was either emotionally damaged or profoundly uninterested in me. Either way, taters dude. My husband’s first wife was like this. Except she started being this way in private, too, during the honeymoon. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/45 "2010-09-16T22:18:13Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > There’s no such thing as a good lover who only touches you when you’re having sex. Bingo. How the hell did he land me, anyway? Dive straight for my crotch? I find most PDA nauseating but if I grab your hand and you shy away, we’re having a long, boring conversation about it. And if there’s no good explanation, we’re done. Even if it’s… hell, really specific OCD or something. I need back massages, and stupid photo booth snaps, and my hands rubbed when they’re cold. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/46 "2010-09-16T22:33:13Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > > [@DianaG](#): > > > > There’s no such thing as a good lover who only touches you when you’re having sex. > > Bingo. How the hell did he land me, anyway? Dive straight for my crotch? I find most PDA nauseating but if I grab your hand and you shy away, we’re having a long, boring conversation about it. And if there’s no good explanation, we’re done. Even if it’s… hell, really specific OCD or something. I need back massages, and stupid photo booth snaps, and my hands rubbed when they’re cold. Yep. I can consider this a personal preference, and admit that hey, it’s a quirk I could learn to live with. But I don’t see how it’d get far enough for me to look past it, unless we were friends for a dozen years first and I already knew about it. Edit to clarify: I wouldn’t be bothered that they didn’t do what is expected, but it’s just that I am more tactile than that. not a TON more tactile, but no contact at all unless it’s sex would have me going to a masseure within a year. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/47 "2010-09-16T23:31:38Z")
Is my new lover Stephan Hawking? Because otherwise, he’d never have gotten to the ‘lover’ part to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![Jormungandr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@Jormungandr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jormungandr)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/48 "2010-09-17T03:01:02Z")
First, " I’m not even going to pretend to share my cheesecake, much less the lemon meringue pie"? I really don’t get it. So, you know where I’m coming from here. Personally, I don’t like to be touched. Handshakes I can tolerate, but not hand holding. Wall-E has more courage than me. Hugs? I just cringe. The quicker, the better, but in my mind I really want to shove you away… **hard**. Never been kissed, it wasn’t really big in my family anyways. To be honest, I don’t get it. So, if I were in a relationship, I hope she’d look at the other things I do. Be it listening to her, cooking, check her car’s oil and tire pressure. Society may say that PDAs are signs of love, but they are not the only ones. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/49 "2010-09-17T03:33:00Z")
I’d be looking for another relationship. I’m big on holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and especially cuddling up to sleep. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/50 "2010-09-17T08:46:24Z")
I’m a lass and I picked the _vexed_ option. I would never know about the hotness in the sack if there were no kissy-huggy-touchy stuff first. Pretty much a requirement. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/51 "2010-09-17T08:52:42Z")
I’m a Traditional Girl. That means touching goes before kissing, kissing before octopus-style making out, making out starts before taking your clothes off. I’m not much of a toucher in general and don’t like holding hands (I have Hands of Death anyway), but there is a Proper Order to follow, dagnabit! I broke that rule once. Never again. If he doesn’t touch unless he’s already trying to unbutton my trousers, said garment will stay firmly in place. ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/52 "2010-09-17T11:26:43Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@ghardester](#): > > > > I’d kick her ass to the curb. Mutual respect is the basis for any successful relationship, and she is dissing me by treating me this way in public. > > How so? She’s not saying or doing anything to deny that you’re in a relationship. Maybe she’s just a Vulcan. Oh, my. Can I change my answer? ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/53 "2010-09-17T11:29:24Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Upon review, I think persons who say that the no-kissing/hugging/etc. at all person will never become a lover, so I think I should specify that this hypothetical person is willing to kiss, hold hands, hug, and so forth in private, but not in public. All this, _and_ she’s a Vulcan? Okay, I definitely want to change my answer now. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/54 "2010-09-17T14:05:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Upon review, I think persons who say that the no-kissing/hugging/etc. at all person will never become a lover, so I think I should specify that this hypothetical person is willing to kiss, hold hands, hug, and so forth in private, but not in public. K. This is more the public figure / public image conundrum. I need to change my answer as long as there is sufficient closed-door romance, massage, and earlobe nibbling. It’d be like every date is a date where they live with their parents, but in reverse: You’d have to kiss the Hell out of them at the front door (enough to last all day) before you open it, not after its closed. Course, I’d probably pack 2 umbrellas and a blanket in a backpack for those “I really need you right now” moments. (I’d Really miss the hand holding thing though). Hell, if the magic was there, I’d be tempted to tell you to get one of those ugly blue rain ponchos in quadruple extra large just to see if two would fit in it, but I’m worried Skald would be right there to blow a whistle and throw down a yellow flag… > [@MegaBee](#): > > All this, _and_ she’s a Vulcan? Okay, I definitely want to change my answer now. Seven years between weeks of sex? I’m not Prince Philip… ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980/55 "2010-09-17T14:09:16Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@sandra\_nz](#): > > > > Yep, i’m still bothered, if a little less suspicious. 😉 > > > > I’d definitely want to understand why they were that way. > > _A little less suspicious_, of course, equals _still suspicious_. What is it you suspect? > > Upon review, I think persons who say that the no-kissing/hugging/etc. at all person will never become a lover, so I think I should specify that this hypothetical person is willing to kiss, hold hands, hug, and so forth in private, but not in public. Upon this, I could probably deal with it. My SO and I rarely engage in any sort of PDA. It would be hard to go to never, we do hold hands on occasion, and always kiss goodbye (but we don’t just kiss for the sake of kissing like some people do). But as long as he is willing to kiss and hug plenty in private I could totally deal. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-otherwise-wonderful-new-lover-refuses-to-touch-hug-or-kiss-are-you-bothered/553980.md?page=2)