# Your Performance at the SDMB - rated! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 1, 2022, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269 "2022-07-01T22:16:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2022, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/1 "2022-07-01T22:16:47Z")
Management has devised the following system allowing you to rate your performance at the Straight Dope Message Board. The budget is tight this year due to Covid and standards are high. Few of you will be getting raises, but more will be working from home. Good luck. We use the categories: Performance, Dependability, Attitude, Appearance and Communication. _Performance_ **Excellent** : Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. **Good** : Leaps tall buildings. Running start. **Satisfactory** : Leaps tall buildings if greatly provoked. **Doper** : Uses front door to enter building. _Dependability_ **Excellent** : Faster than a speeding bullet. **Good** : Faster than speeding bullet train. Or knows if this is actually faster than bullet. **Satisfactory** : Faster than VIA train. (Canada’s Amtrak!) **Doper** : Fast at spreeding bull. _Attitude_ **Excellent** : Stronger than a locomotive. **Good** : Stronger than bull elephant. **Satisfactory** : Strong at spreading bull. **Doper** : Smells like spreading bull. Motives loco. _Appearance_ **Excellent** : Walks on water. **Good** : Head above water. **Satisfactory** : Passes water. **Doper** : Uses water wings when passing water. _Communication_ **Excellent** : Talks to God. **Good** : Talks to Zotti. **Satisfactory** : Talks to self. **Doper** : Talks to trolls. Loses arguments with self. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2022, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/2 "2022-07-01T22:20:40Z")
(Opinions expressed are not serious and do not reflect the views of Major League Baseball or anyone associated with the SDMB.) ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2022, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/3 "2022-07-01T23:02:05Z")
Performance- Satisfactory Dependability- Satisfactory Attitude- Good Appearance- Satisfactory Communication- Satisfactory ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2022, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/4 "2022-07-01T23:39:13Z")
> [@Dr\_Paprika](#): > > **Excellent** : Talks to God. > **Good** : Talks to Zotti. I’m confused. How are these different? ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/5 "2022-07-02T00:23:44Z")
“Here’s to the town of Chicago, The land of the humble and haughty\* Where the Wrigleys talk only to Royals, And the Royals talk only to Zotti.” (NB: This is not _literally_ true.) [\* May substitute the following lines: - The wellspring of Illuminati - The home of the highborn and hotty - The city of snow, always draughty - With deep dish, beef dogs and chapati.] ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/6 "2022-07-02T00:28:11Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > > [@Dr\_Paprika](#): > > > > **Excellent** : Talks to God. > > **Good** : Talks to Zotti. > > I’m confused. How are these different? Your rating will depend on whether you’re on a first name basis with him. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/7 "2022-07-02T00:29:01Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > I’m confused. How are these different? I think it should say this: **Excellent** : Talks to Cecil. **Good** : Talks to Zotti. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/8 "2022-07-02T00:31:53Z")
You’re probably right. ---
**Author:** ![DavidNRockies](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/davidnrockies/32/6279_2.png) [@DavidNRockies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidNRockies)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/9 "2022-07-02T00:33:43Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > > [@Dr\_Paprika](#): > > > > **Excellent** : Talks to God. > > **Good** : Talks to Zotti. > > I’m confused. How are these different? God doesn’t think he’s Ed Zotti. [I haven’t been around here long enough to mean that sincerely, but it \*is\* a take on a very old joke ;-)] ---
**Author:** ![ParallelLines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/parallellines/32/3575_2.png) [@ParallelLines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParallelLines)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/10 "2022-07-02T00:38:05Z")
Performance - Satisfactory, still occasionally thinks they are funny. Dependability - Excellent, managed to get the coveted Devotee badge. Alternately, may be obsessed, so watch closely, cannot be trusted. Attitude - Doper, but given a mulligan for the past 6 months due to the state of the world. Appearance - Doper, keeps responding while wearing insufficient clothing. Freak. Communication - Satisfactory, too many spelling/auto-correct errors. Fails at nitpicking other posters. ---
**Author:** ![VOW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vow/32/3043_2.png) [@VOW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VOW)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/11 "2022-07-02T00:48:38Z")
Performance: I trip over door sills. ~VOW ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/12 "2022-07-02T01:02:14Z")
This still gets you more points than tripping over Beverly Sills. Or stripping with Beverly Sills. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/13 "2022-07-02T02:15:18Z")
“You could do so much better, if only you applied yourself.” (Actually, thank you for the selfless work you do here.) ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/14 "2022-07-02T02:19:55Z")
I haven’t _worked_ here for a hella long time. I’m just a freeloader nowadays. ---
**Author:** ![Exapno\_Mapcase](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/exapno_mapcase/32/1051_2.png) [@Exapno\_Mapcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exapno_Mapcase)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/15 "2022-07-02T03:02:06Z")
> [@Dr\_Paprika](#): > > **Doper** : Fast at spreeding bull. I _invented_ spreeding bull. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/16 "2022-07-02T03:06:11Z")
Spreeding…Speed breeding? ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/17 "2022-07-02T03:13:06Z")
Here I always thought that was Sitting Bull’s cousins dogs owners mothers son or something like that. How old are you anyway? ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/18 "2022-07-02T17:43:37Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Your rating will depend on whether you’re on a first name basis with him. Who … Eddie baby ? ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/19 "2022-07-02T17:53:13Z")
Hey, once a Czar… ---
**Author:** ![Exapno\_Mapcase](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/exapno_mapcase/32/1051_2.png) [@Exapno\_Mapcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exapno_Mapcase)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2022, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269/20 "2022-07-02T18:24:48Z")
> [@DorkVader](#): > > How old are you anyway? I couldn’t really say, but I do remember when they created the letters “I” and “Q” to measure how smart I am. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-performance-at-the-sdmb-rated/967269.md?page=2)