# Your "Prison Plan?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 29, 2015, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177 "2015-01-29T01:19:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2015, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/21 "2015-01-29T18:46:09Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > If I had enough time beforehand and knew I was going, I would start doing steroids, working out, and taking martial-arts classes. And then just try to survive day-to-day. I wouldn’t start any fights, but I would defend myself and try to gain a reputation as a bad guy to mess with. Yeah, but what happens once the steroids start wearing off and you start getting smaller? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2015, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/22 "2015-01-29T18:47:58Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Yeah, but what happens once the steroids start wearing off and you start getting smaller? Hopefully by then I’ve developed enough of a reputation to stay relatively safe. This is all assuming that I had any reason to worry – I’d prepare for the worst, but intend to keep to myself and try to avoid confrontation. ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2015, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/23 "2015-01-29T18:48:30Z")
From what I understand, you’d want to be cordial and accommodating more than beligerent and tough, unless, of course, you could really back it up and had a network of compadres waiting inside for you. Spend a little time talking to people and find something they want that you could help them out with. I’m not talking about drugs or illegal cell phones, but maybe they’d like to learn a craft, or how to play poker, or how to whistle, or whatever. Could be something very simple or something complex. Just become valuable in some way to as many people as possible. I would avoid taking sides on any issue unless you couldn’t avoid it. Today’s ‘ins’ could be tomorrow’s ‘outs’ and as the newbie, you’d be sacrificed first. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2015, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/24 "2015-01-29T20:08:01Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I’d be an _actual_ jailhouse lawyer (assuming whatever got me in prison did not also get my license suspended.) But I’m not representing anyone in a custody proceeding. I know what happens then that goes badly. Probably a bad idea. People would start coming to you with their legal problems (in prison or out on the street) and want you to “fix” things. And in many cases, you wouldn’t be able to resolve things to their satisfaction. Some people, unfortunately, do handle adversity well. They’d blame you for your failure to solve their problems and be looking for retribution. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2015, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/25 "2015-01-29T20:27:06Z")
It’s all about managing expectations. How good could a lawyer who couldn’t keep himself out of prison be? ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2015, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/26 "2015-01-29T20:33:25Z")
I’d do the screws bookkeeping so he would buy the gang some beers while we’re putting tar on the roof. This way he could shield his lottery winnings from the IRS. Then I’d help the warden out by setting up illegitimate corporations and off-shore accounts so he can divert public funds. For this, I would request only a room to myself, a couple of rock hammers, and very large posters of ladies with big breasts. ---
**Author:** ![Razncain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@Razncain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Razncain)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2015, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/27 "2015-01-29T21:54:49Z")
> [@Crotalus](#): > > As \*\*Little Nemo \*\*said, trying to get by on being the toughest prisoner is a losing proposition in a lot of ways. That’s probably solid advice for 99.9% of us. Even Mike Tyson admits to being scared in prison, and skipped many days going to the shower. There is one truly disturbed person who was leader of the Mongols at one time, whose name escapes me in the book at the moment (read years ago), written by [William Queen.](http://www.amazon.com/Under-Alone-Undercover-Infiltrated-Motorcycle/dp/0345487524/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top) Going my memory now, but he tells of a story circulating about him, told by others, where he is asking around the day he got to prison, wanting to know who the leader was, which if I recall, also happened to be the toughest dude in prison too, or close to it. Anyway, as soon as he meets him, he proceeds to beating him senseless, and to which he replies, “now I am the leader.” After having witnessed what just happened, there were no other takers. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/28 "2015-01-30T02:00:09Z")
I’ve spent a 3-day weekend in jail about 20 years ago in a major city due to a youthful bad decision. I’m a tall woman, but you’d never describe me as tough. So I was a little surprised that nobody was at all interested bothering me. Nobody bothered me, tried to hit me, attacked me, took my food\*, or sexually assaulted me. In fact, the guards were much bigger assholes than any of the inmates. How things are different in prison, I have no idea, so YMMV. \*I did _ **give away** _ a lot of my food; it was unspeakably bad. I lost 10 pounds in 3 days. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/29 "2015-01-30T04:55:23Z")
Andy Dufresne and the sisters comes to mind. Not that I’m interested, mind you, just that I’m too pretty and too light-weight to defend myself consistently in some hell-hole. I’m pretty sure I’ll suicide before going to prison. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/30 "2015-01-30T04:57:02Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > If I had enough time beforehand and knew I was going, I would start doing steroids, working out, and taking martial-arts classes. And then just try to survive day-to-day. I wouldn’t start any fights, but I would defend myself and try to gain a reputation as a bad guy to mess with. You might have more time than you think. I read that the woman who inspired “Orange is the New Black” said it was 10 years from the time she committed the crime until the time she actually had to serve prison time. About half the rest of time she was in legal limbo. I hear often they delay putting people in jail because they dont have the space. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/31 "2015-01-30T04:59:25Z")
> [@razncain](#): > > That’s probably solid advice for 99.9% of us. Even Mike Tyson admits to being scared in prison, and skipped many days going to the shower. > > There is one truly disturbed person who was leader of the Mongols at one time, whose name escapes me in the book at the moment (read years ago), written by [William Queen.](http://www.amazon.com/Under-Alone-Undercover-Infiltrated-Motorcycle/dp/0345487524/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top) Going my memory now, but he tells of a story circulating about him, told by others, where he is asking around the day he got to prison, wanting to know who the leader was, which if I recall, also happened to be the toughest dude in prison too, or close to it. Anyway, as soon as he meets him, he proceeds to beating him senseless, and to which he replies, “now I am the leader.” After having witnessed what just happened, there were no other takers. I dont care how big and bad you are going in all it takes is someone shoving a knife into you from behind or jabbing a pen into your eye. They dont fight fair in prison. They sometimes also manufacture poisons and explosives. ---
**Author:** ![analogqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@analogqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/analogqueen)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/32 "2015-01-30T06:59:56Z")
> [@Jennshark](#): > > . . . inspired by Orange is the New Black (which may or may not have another season :mad:) > > I got to thinking what my strategy would be to survive in prison for a few years.\* I’m a big-boned gal, but a real pushover and tender heart. I decided I’d have to grow some vicious balls and beat the crap out of the first inmate who dissed me. > > After (hopefully) gaining a rep for violence I’d be left alone. I’d use my time to get in the best shape of my life and spend the rest of the time reading, reading, reading; if allowed, I’d teach GED stuff. > > \*I’m not sure what crime I’d commit to get a sentence of two or three years. Maybe printing and using counterfeit bills . . .? Ever met an ex-con? Talked to one? Someone once said to me “You’d never survive in prison…” Who cares?? I’m not planning on going. You do not want to be like an ex-con. It’s a whole ugly system with a whole set of rules like “snitches=stitches” the “perp walk” and a bunch of nonsense about “disrespect”. Do you really want to be proficient in prison mentality? Just be low class- then you’re practically there. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/33 "2015-01-30T07:07:51Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > They dont fight fair in prison. They sometimes also manufacture poisons and explosives. Poisons and explosives are rare. The more usual thing is setting a guy’s bed on fire. It’s generally considered sporting to set their bed on fire the first time when they’re not in it as a warning. Then if they don’t heed the warning, you set their bed on fire when they’re sleeping in it. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/34 "2015-01-30T07:25:25Z")
> [@razncain](#): > > There is one truly disturbed person who was leader of the Mongols at one time, whose name escapes me in the book at the moment (read years ago), written by [William Queen.](http://www.amazon.com/Under-Alone-Undercover-Infiltrated-Motorcycle/dp/0345487524/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top) Going my memory now, but he tells of a story circulating about him, told by others, where he is asking around the day he got to prison, wanting to know who the leader was, which if I recall, also happened to be the toughest dude in prison too, or close to it. Anyway, as soon as he meets him, he proceeds to beating him senseless, and to which he replies, “now I am the leader.” After having witnessed what just happened, there were no other takers. Was that the chapter entitled _“The Story Of How I Got Murdered On My First Day”_? These are criminal organizations not high school cliques. Changes in leadership are not accomplished by beating the old leader up. You kill the old leader or you figure he’s going to kill you. You don’t just walk up to some gang and tell them you’re taking over. Seriously, who’d want to take over a gang that’s so pathetic that one guy can take it over? You can’t even walk up to a gang and tell them you’re joining them. You have to show them that you’re worth accepting as a new recruit. A lot of times you’re going to have to have an existing member who knows you from the outside vouch for you. You’ll be sent off to do a few jobs to prove yourself. Then if you do a good job, you might be allowed to join in at the bottom ranks of the gang. Do what you’re told and you might be able to work your way up through the ranks. In a few years you might be high enough up that you can make a try for the top job. Get some followers in the gang who will back you (make sure you don’t pick anybody who’ll sell you out to the boss) and kill the current boss and his loyalists. Then if you’re lucky the rest of the gang will fall in with your new regime. Reward your followers with promotions and then watch them - they’re all high enough now that they’re thinking about betraying you so they can be the boss. ---
**Author:** ![Razncain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@Razncain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Razncain)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/35 "2015-01-30T11:36:42Z")
^^^ I’d have suspected that is the most insane thing somebody could do too. And he was close to that, extremely bi-polar, always souped up on some kind of drugs, but even crazy can’t have you taking on the whole prison. Unless your gang was already fairly established inside the pen, which I imagined the Mongols probably already were. > [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I dont care how big and bad you are going in all it takes is someone shoving a knife into you from behind or jabbing a pen into your eye. They dont fight fair in prison. They sometimes also manufacture poisons and explosives. I think on most of these toughest characters, you’re going to need a bit more than a knife unless you want them taking it out of themselves, and stabbing you with the very thing you brought to the fight. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/36 "2015-01-30T11:55:37Z")
I’m a small guy, I’m not assertive and I hate conflict. So I’d presumably be somebody’s bitch from day 0. Hence, my strategy would be : figure out what gets you sent to seg without extending your sentence. Do that, repeatedly. Solitary ain’t no thing. Hell is other people. [QUOTE=control-z] I would keep to myself and treat inmates (and guards) with respect, but if cornered I’d fight like a badger. Cool Hand Luke would be me. [/QUOTE] If you think Cool Hand Luke showed respect to the guards, you kind of missed the point ;). ---
**Author:** ![casdave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@casdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/casdave)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/37 "2015-01-30T13:35:29Z")
Most prisoners simply don’t want to be involved I anything that they can avoid - there are times when they might have to hold something in an emergency, but none of the players wants pass something on to you unless the situation is pretty dire. You follow a few common sense, rules, such as not be seen to be gossiping with staff - unless you have some ulterior motive. The best option is always, never ever borrow anything, and never ever lend anything, and be extremely careful about giving anything away - even if you no longer have use for it - always better to trade it even it its for something you don’t want. ---
**Author:** ![casdave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@casdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/casdave)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/38 "2015-01-30T13:43:14Z")
Prisoners who give things away can soon be seen as a soft touch. There are always those who just want to get by quietly, probably most of them. It really does not matter how huge and intimidating you are, you cannot stand up against a snide attack by half a dozen others who are tooled up, and even it you came out ahead on that exchange, some other chancer would find a way to have a go in order to gain some kudos. You would simply never stop fighting, and you would pay the price from both staff and prisoners. The OP really shows the disconnect from what truly goes on in prison, it really is nothing like the vast majority of “documentaries”. You have to realise that crime is well organised in prison, you are not going to take over - it can be a multimillion $ business - if you appear to be a threat you will be sorted out post haste, you can only get in on this side of prison life if you have some asset to bring to the gang, such as contacts, money, or other means - violence is cheap to buy and you being a hard case is way down the scale of desirability, a few rocks will buy as much enforcement as a gang leader could want - muscle is relatively cheap- you really don’t want to play in this game ---
**Author:** ![Razncain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@Razncain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Razncain)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/39 "2015-01-30T16:38:33Z")
Two things that are on most people’s minds about prison are, if prison rape is common or not, so found these threads: [What is the truth behind Prison Rape](http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=123112), and also was curious how they handled the [toilet situation.](http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=457712) ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2015, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177/40 "2015-01-30T17:09:03Z")
Anyone sneaking anything in with them? I read recently about an overcrowded prison system (California?) where felons were being paroled from the state prison due to crowding. They then would intentionally commit a misdemeanor to get sent for a short stay in county. They would swallow balloons filled with heroin/coke/meth and make some $$ in jail. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-prison-plan/711177.md?page=3)