# Your read a parchment scroll--then what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 22, 2016, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384 "2016-10-22T19:42:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/1 "2016-10-22T19:42:47Z")
You open & read a parchment scroll. On it, in English, is written the following words: ’ “They lumber through the night With their elephantine tread; I shudder in affright As I cower in my bed. They lift colossal wings On the high gable roofs Which tremble to the trample Of their mastodonic hoofs.” You hear a strange **thumping** from the ceiling… what to do? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/2 "2016-10-22T19:46:59Z")
Start reading letters to _Penthouse_. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/3 "2016-10-22T20:38:28Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > Start reading letters to _Penthouse_. “THANK you, God!” ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/4 "2016-10-22T20:42:35Z")
In take it back to the library before the due date. They will roll it back up, like rewinding a videotape. (Remember those?) ---
**Author:** ![Marion\_Wormer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d07c76/32.png) [@Marion\_Wormer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marion_Wormer)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/5 "2016-10-22T22:40:00Z")
Is it too early for the Halloween Pterodactyls pulling Jack O’ Lantern’s black, flaming sled of Evil? So Jack can come down the chimney and steal your pleasant dreams and leaves nightmares instead? Because it is that time of year. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/6 "2016-10-22T23:30:28Z")
Say the following: ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/7 "2016-10-22T23:44:00Z")
Edit it for scansion and sense: mastodons didn’t have hooves, and the sixth line is missing a syllable. ---
**Author:** ![mixdenny](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mixdenny/32/2962_2.png) [@mixdenny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mixdenny)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/8 "2016-10-23T00:39:48Z")
Change to: “from the highest gable roofs…” Lovely poem, by the way. Dennis ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/9 "2016-10-23T04:08:44Z")
I tell Hobbes to knock it off and get back in bed. Then I grab my bat and helmet, awaiting the inevitable onslaught. ---
**Author:** ![Ms\_Boods](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Ms\_Boods](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms_Boods)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/10 "2016-10-23T13:18:07Z")
Wonder why it was parchment and not papyrus. ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/11 "2016-10-23T17:07:23Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > Start reading letters to _Penthouse_. You may as well drop the mic, nobody is beating this one ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/12 "2016-10-23T17:11:45Z")
Ring the bell, shut the Bible, blow out the candle. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/13 "2016-10-23T17:22:09Z")
Thumping? How often? Twice? Thump, thump. Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/14 "2016-10-23T17:25:58Z")
I keep bear spray and insect spray at my bedside. I’d use both. ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2016, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/15 "2016-10-23T22:24:22Z")
I unfurl my fireball scroll. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/16 "2016-10-24T01:46:15Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > In take it back to the library before the due date. They will roll it back up, like rewinding a videotape. (Remember those?) Be Kind. Rewind. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/17 "2016-10-24T05:46:41Z")
Grab the long sword +3 and have the wife grab the ranseur and then head up to the attic and deal with the balrog. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/18 "2016-10-24T06:08:26Z")
You need to read them out loud for the spell to take effect, so I’d read it, say “man, that’s some gobbledish gobbledygook!” and go back to whatever else I was doing before finding the scroll. No stomping noises. If there happens to be someone else in the room and they do read it out loud, then I’d call 112 and proceed to get the heck out of Tucson. It’s a rental anyway. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/19 "2016-10-24T06:12:19Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > You need to read them out loud for the spell to take effect, so I’d read it, say “man, that’s some gobbledish gobbledygook!” and go back to whatever else I was doing before finding the scroll. No stomping noises. > > If there happens to be someone else in the room and they do read it out loud, then I’d call 112 and proceed to get the heck out of Tucson. It’s a rental anyway. Usually monsters drop loot. ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/20 "2016-10-24T11:06:27Z")
Was it 3 thumps on the ceiling? Then Tony Orlando & Dawn _want_ you - twice on the pipe means the answer is **no** \. Or just scroll up to before the thumping started. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384.md?page=2)