# Your read a parchment scroll--then what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 22, 2016, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384 "2016-10-22T19:42:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/21 "2016-10-24T11:57:54Z")
As long as it’s not woozles, I can deal with heffalumps. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/22 "2016-10-24T16:31:22Z")
I’d prefer Kentucey Fried Chicken skin rather than parchment for my last meal, but beggars can’t be choosers. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2016, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/23 "2016-10-24T16:40:35Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > As long as it’s not woozles, I can deal with heffalumps. It’s the jabberwocky that get me every time. \ ---
**Author:** ![Enuma\_Elish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Enuma\_Elish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enuma_Elish)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/24 "2016-10-25T08:12:09Z")
I get out my pellet-gun and shoot the squirrels off my roof. I have a deal with squirrels; stay the hell off my house and I won’t shoot you! The only lines I have ever read that still give me the creeps are: “He thrusts his fists against the posts, but still he swears he sees the ghosts.” (from a Stephen King novel whose name I don’t remember.) and “The dogs are on the basement stairs and coming up.” (from the poem ‘Eating Poetry’ by Mark Strand. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/25 "2016-10-25T13:45:21Z")
> [@Enuma\_Elish](#): > > I get out my pellet-gun and shoot the squirrels off my roof. I have a deal with squirrels; stay the hell off my house and I won’t shoot you! > > The only lines I have ever read that still give me the creeps are: > “He thrusts his fists against the posts, but still he swears he sees the ghosts.” (from a Stephen King novel whose name I don’t remember.) That line is from **Donovan’s Brain** , a novel by Curt Siodmak. King uses it in his novel **It**. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/26 "2016-10-25T16:04:27Z")
I report the author of the parchment for plagiarizing Robert E. Howard. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/27 "2016-10-25T17:00:12Z")
Klaatu… Barada… N… [coughs] I sit back and watch the supernatural trainwreck. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/28 "2016-10-25T17:13:01Z")
LOOK ROOM There is a door to the east, and a window to the west LOOK WINDOW It is bright and sunny outside. OPEN DOOR The door is now open WEST You can’t go that way EAST You are standing in the front hallway. You hear noises from the attic LOOK There is a door to your east, a door to your west, a stairway going up to your north, and a door to the South. UP You are on the second floor. The noises from the attic are louder. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/29 "2016-10-25T19:49:11Z")
The same thing I do after reading anything. I flush the toilet. ---
**Author:** ![TroutMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troutman/32/6721_2.png) [@TroutMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroutMan)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2016, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/30 "2016-10-25T20:22:28Z")
Return the Key **immediately**. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/31 "2016-10-26T01:59:45Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > I report the author of the parchment for plagiarizing Robert E. Howard. You win the Literary Prize. Only Doper to correctly identify the piece. Which was my objective. I wanted to see how long it would take our creepy crew here on the SDMB to ID it, during this Halloween season. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/32 "2016-10-26T02:03:45Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > You win the Literary Prize. > > Only Doper to correctly identify the piece. > Which was my objective. > I wanted to see how long it would take our creepy crew here on the SDMB to ID it, during this Halloween season. > > 🆒 Yeah, only someone with unfettered access to Google would have found it. Real limiting, that. ---
**Author:** ![Rich\_Mann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@Rich\_Mann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rich_Mann)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/33 "2016-10-26T03:29:36Z")
> [@Enuma\_Elish](#): > > I get out my pellet-gun and shoot the squirrels off my roof. I have a deal with squirrels; stay the hell off my house and I won’t shoot you! > > The only lines I have ever read that still give me the creeps are: > “He thrusts his fists against the posts, but still he swears he sees the ghosts.” (from a Stephen King novel whose name I don’t remember.) > > and > > “The dogs are on the basement stairs and coming up.” (from the poem ‘Eating Poetry’ by Mark Strand. “Still insists”. Internal rhyme with “fists”. The character who said it was using it to overcome a speech impediment. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/34 "2016-10-26T04:15:21Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > In take it back to the library before the due date. They will roll it back up, like rewinding a videotape. (Remember those?) Look, we at the Papyrus Checkout Desk are tired of having to inspect every scroll that gets returned. Sure enough, over half of them have been rolled onto the “take up handle”. It takes time to roll twenty of those back, especially if we’re busy chiseling new card catalog hieroglyphs. That’s why we have those big orange stickers on the scrolls: “Be Kind, Rewind!” ETA: Just reread the thread and saw Ruby beat me to the punchline. Oh, well… ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/35 "2016-10-26T04:22:45Z")
I get out my sawzall, And bust up a chiffarobe I reinforce the doors And board up all the windows I call to warn neighbors The chihuahua’s house I don’t As soon as he lets it out That yappity rat is dead! ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/36 "2016-10-26T04:26:23Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > You win the Literary Prize. > > Only Doper to correctly identify the piece. > Which was my objective. > I wanted to see how long it would take our creepy crew here on the SDMB to ID it, during this Halloween season. > > 🆒 We’re having fun doing the other thing. ---
**Author:** ![TroutMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troutman/32/6721_2.png) [@TroutMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroutMan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/37 "2016-10-26T04:37:59Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Only Doper to correctly identify the piece. Well, I _did_ note it in the post immediately before yours. And to be exact, the quoted bit is originally from Justin Geoffrey. And I also remember a Penthouse letter that was very similar. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2016, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/38 "2016-10-26T13:56:58Z")
Quickly roll the dice so this game of Jumanji will be over ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2016, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384/39 "2016-12-13T03:58:03Z")
> [@TroutMan](#): > > Well, I _did_ note it in the post immediately before yours. And to be exact, the quoted bit is originally from Justin Geoffrey. > > And I also remember a Penthouse letter that was very similar. Justin Geoffrey doesn’t actually exist, he’s just a creation of Howard’s. And for the record, I didn’t google it, I remembered it from a collection of Howard stories. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-read-a-parchment-scroll-then-what-do-you-do/769384.md?page=1)