# Your spouse is friends with an ex. What level of ex makes you uncomfortable? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084 "2010-04-14T17:21:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Chickie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chickie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chickie)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/21 "2010-04-15T08:45:12Z")
I think people who are self-aware know to avoid “tempting situations” for themselves, if they want to do so. That being said, the “unrequited crush” would probably bother me the most. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/22 "2010-04-15T10:48:04Z")
I would have a problem depending on the level of “friend” rather than on the level of “ex”. ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/23 "2010-04-15T12:34:13Z")
I met my fiancé when he was three years into (what would become) a five-year relationship with a friend of mine. All three of us are still friends, and he and she still hang out without me, both in groups and sometimes on their own (they go to films and gigs sometimes). It doesn’t bother me at all – they were obviously important to each other, and still get along well, but in the end, he’s marrying me, not her. They never lived together, which I think might help my feelings, but she’s a good friend and I feel confident they aren’t interested in each other romantically any more (they fought every time I saw them for the last six months of their relationship, but were back as good friends about three weeks after they split up). Weirdly, I think I would definitely have a problem with him being friends with the woman he had a six-week rebound fling with after that relationship split up. She was (by all accounts) batshit crazy and dumped him/called back crying/“forgot” her pill and had a pregnancy scare/etc about a dozen times in that six weeks. I recognize that everybody goes a bit mad after getting out of long relationships, and I don’t have a problem with that relationship having existed (except inasmuch as it hurt him emotionally), but I wouldn’t understand why he would want to retain a friendship afterward, when they never really had one in the first place. Fortunately he doesn’t! To sum up: I don’t have a problem with exes who had a basis of friendship in their relationship with him keeping that friendship going. He has lots of women friends, though, so I know he’s very good at being able to see women as people, not just potential romantic/sexual partners. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/24 "2010-04-15T12:53:19Z")
> [@Oni no Maggie](#): > > For me: I’d be somewhat uncomfortable with my spouse being close friends with someone they’d had a crush on, or made out with once or twice but never dated. > > IME those cases are more likely to have unresolved sexual tension between the two. If they’ve been involved, broken up, and re-formed the friendship, or if they’ve dated a few times and realized they’re not compatible, then the sexual tension has been broken and worked through and there’s no tantalizing “I wonder…” issues. > > But I think I’m in the minority on this one. Actually, I feel the exact same way as you do. I’d be much more uncomfortable with my husband being friends with someone he wanted to get with and never did, than I would be if he were friends with someone he did date and it didn’t work out. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/25 "2010-04-15T14:32:48Z")
I’m okay with my husband having dated other people, but I’m not sure he’s as comfortable as I am. He’s become more comfortable with me still being in touch with guys I’ve slept with, but he wasn’t when we first started dating. He knows I’m his and staying in touch on Facebook doesn’t mean I want to run off and have an affair. ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/26 "2010-04-15T16:12:23Z")
> [@Drain\_Bead](#): > > Actually, I feel the exact same way as you do. I’d be much more uncomfortable with my husband being friends with someone he wanted to get with and never did, than I would be if he were friends with someone he did date and it didn’t work out. Thirded – the reason I don’t feel jealous or worried about (most of) his exes is that I know he’s already been there and decided it wasn’t for him. It’s more uncomfortable if it’s someone for whom the interest is/was there, but not the resolution. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/27 "2010-04-15T18:39:06Z")
I don’t know that I believe in closure, but like others I think the “what if” scenarios and persons are scarier than the “We already tried that” scenarios. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/28 "2010-04-15T22:10:42Z")
I wouldn’t have a problem with my partner chatting , IM with an ex. But To be honest I would feel uncomfortable with her hanging out them and doing activities alone together. I don’t think she would be comfortable if the roles where reversed either no matter what she said. Also I think some people would say no problem go ahead in order to put forward the appearance that you trust her 100% for her sake but ignore your own natural feelings of “Hmm this ain’t right” If it’s hanging out with friends with the opposite sex where there is no intimate history , like hanging out with co-workers, high school friends. No problem with that at all. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/29 "2010-04-15T23:06:26Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Yup, still riding into the sunset of trust and respect! > > If I’m to the point that I’m marrying someone, it’s certainly not going to be someone I didn’t trust in tempting situations. Furthermore, if I did marry someone who was prone to getting it on with their ex, I guess I’d want to know sooner rather than later! Cheaters are cheaters and they will find ways to cheat. Guys who don’t cheat won’t cheat. People aren’t _born_ cheaters, you know. I’ve seen people whom everyone thought of as good and trustworthy cheat on their SOs. You can trust someone all you want, but there’s no way to be absolutely 100% sure that they will be faithful to you. Such is the risk of being with another person. As for the poll, it’s not the level of ex that worries me, but the level of friendship, like **Nava** said . ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/30 "2010-04-15T23:48:53Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > People aren’t _born_ cheaters, you know. I’ve seen people whom everyone thought of as good and trustworthy cheat on their SOs. You can trust someone all you want, but there’s no way to be absolutely 100% sure that they will be faithful to you. Such is the risk of being with another person. > > As for the poll, it’s not the level of ex that worries me, but the level of friendship, like **Nava** said > . I actually find the idea that cheaters are some definitive class of people odd. The only clear difference I’ve ever seen is that the cheater has cheated. That’s it. I often suspect the difference is one of opportunity, not of character. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/31 "2010-04-15T23:55:50Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I often suspect the difference is one of opportunity, not of character. I think it’s a combination of both, with a little circumstance mixed in. If you have the “perfect storm” of factors: just had a huge fight with your SO, feeling vulnerable, hanging out with an ex with whom you’ve shared a previous intense, intimate relationship, seeking comfort… a person can end up doing things they wouldn’t otherwise think they were capable of doing. Life isn’t black and white. It isn’t a matter of someone being a cheater or not being a cheater. So why encourage one of the ingredients of a “perfect storm”? Also, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my SO sharing intimate details of our relationship with an ex. That would just feel weird to me. ---
**Author:** ![Kalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/df705f/32.png) [@Kalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalypso)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084/32 "2010-04-16T00:04:06Z")
I think that if my partner and his/her ex were very close I’d be aware of it from the beginning of my relationship with my partner, no matter what level of ex they had been. Any jealousy I had (and I’d probably have some no matter what level they had been) would be mine to deal with, and not my partner’s problem. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-is-friends-with-an-ex-what-level-of-ex-makes-you-uncomfortable/536084.md?page=1)