# Your spouse/SO does not share your sexual interest/kink/fetish. How do you deal? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372 "2013-05-26T03:37:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/1 "2013-05-26T03:37:28Z")
You’re in a relationship. You have a sexual interest/kink/fetish that isn’t shared by your SO. How do you cope? Does your SO know about it? Do they make an effort to play along, to be an indulgent partner, even though they don’t particularly get a thrill out of the activity? Do they abstain (because it really turns them off or “weirds” them out), but give you the space you need to meet your own needs when they’re not present? Is your interest/kink/fetish something that popped up recently, or has it been a lifelong thing for you? How does this (the fact that you have this interest and your partner doesn’t) affect your relationship? Conversely, are you the other party? Does your partner have the kink, and you don’t? How do you deal? ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/2 "2013-05-26T04:10:54Z")
If it’s a preexisting kink? Trade them in for a newera and improved model. If it’s a newly developed one? Probably try to adjust. And for both cases, I do like to think that relationships are about more than sex. ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/3 "2013-05-26T04:42:20Z")
My ex wife played into both of my fetishes with no input from me. Lucked out! For one she went (around 1982) from an eighties big hair perm to a super short pixie cut without knowing that that was a big fetish thing for me. I love short haired women and dramatic, long to short make-overs! It was fantastic. Back then I was way too self conscious to ever request it, but she just did it on her own and I was soooo pleased! That fetish predated my relationship with my ex, actually dating back to when I was about 10. We were together for about 6 years before that happened, I just dealt with it by assuming I was the only one in the world with that fetish (didn’t even know what a “fetish” was) and kept it to myself. Wasn’t until I got on the internet in 1998 that I realized there were others like me. ---
**Author:** ![Claverhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Claverhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claverhouse)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2013, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/4 "2013-05-26T05:08:05Z")
There’s an old English joke. A young new wife goes to the doctor. “Doctor, Doctor, my husband’s a pervert !” “What does he do ?” concerned. “He wants me to take off my vest when we have sex.” [GB: vest = undershirt; and only the most depressing women would wear them nowadays] ---
**Author:** ![hiddenwings](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f08c70/32.png) [@hiddenwings](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hiddenwings)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/5 "2015-05-19T13:41:08Z")
I have some women challenges on kinky sex. My last/first relationship was with a partner who was very normal in bed. He was predictable, I knew when and what he was into. Now with my current partner who I married, he is very much into kinky sex. I try hard to enjoy most of the unfamiliar positions and roll play/ sex talk with him but for some reason I can’t get 100 percent comfortable with it. don’t know if its because of my insecurities or what. How can I unleash the kinky side of me? For anyone who knows zodiac signs, I’m a Virgo/aries and My husband is a Gemini… It’s important I please my man all the way. He expects me to enjoy the things he does to me. For the most part I enjoy it all, but somethings holds me back. Maybe its the technicality that goes into kinky sex. Idk.I just don’t like having to lie or fake it. Any advice? ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/6 "2015-05-19T13:52:49Z")
> [@hiddenwings](#): > > How can I unleash the kinky side of me? For anyone who knows zodiac signs, I’m a Virgo/aries and My husband is a Gemini… Well, both signs are ruled by Mercury, which means that communication will be the key to a healthy relationship. Remember that Gemini is the Twins; your Gemini husband has a kink side and and a vanilla side, which can make it tough for Virgo’s very practical approach to the world. While Mercury itself is androgynous, Gemini represents the masculine aspects of Mercury and Virgo the feminine. This shows that Mercury’s emphasis on communication will be the key to a happy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/7 "2015-05-19T14:00:36Z")
> [@bricker](#): > > well, both signs are ruled by mercury, which means that communication will be the key to a healthy relationship. Remember that gemini is the twins; your gemini husband has a kink side and and a vanilla side, which can make it tough for virgo’s very practical approach to the world. While mercury itself is androgynous, gemini represents the masculine aspects of mercury and virgo the feminine. This shows that mercury’s emphasis on communication will be the key to a happy relationship. ikr! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/8 "2015-05-19T14:15:02Z")
Bravo, Sir. Well played. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/9 "2015-05-19T14:15:13Z")
In the 27 years we’ve been together, my partner and I have never had this problem. We rely heavily on non-vanilla activities to keep our lovemaking interesting. When we relocated here from NYC, we found ourselves with extra space, and began to convert the unfinished attic into a dungeon (basements tend to have too-low ceilings). That unleashed all sorts of desires and needs in both of us. There were activities that we had tried in our cramped NYC apartment, that just needed more space (and soundproofing) than was available. The lack of spatial confinement has gone a long way toward freeing us from inhibitions. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/10 "2015-05-19T14:39:38Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > ikr! 😃 > [@LSLGuy](#): > > Bravo, Sir. Well played. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/11 "2015-05-19T15:04:27Z")
Wasn’t there a thread several months back about a guy whose fetish was wanting his girlfriend to not have any bowel movements for 30 days? ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/12 "2015-05-19T15:12:12Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Wasn’t there a thread several months back about a guy whose fetish was wanting his girlfriend to not have any bowel movements for 30 days? That’s shitty. ---
**Author:** ![Bijou\_Drains](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bijou_drains/32/2814_2.png) [@Bijou\_Drains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bijou_Drains)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/13 "2015-05-19T15:19:06Z")
I worked with a woman who decided to get divorced after being married for about a week. We wondered if maybe he decided to get kinky with her after the wedding. She may have been against pre marital sex. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/14 "2015-05-19T15:38:01Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Wasn’t there a thread several months back about a guy whose fetish was wanting his girlfriend to not have any bowel movements for 30 days? Was that really a fetish or a subtle murder attempt? ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/15 "2015-05-19T15:39:42Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Wasn’t there a thread several months back about a guy whose fetish was wanting his girlfriend to not have any bowel movements for 30 days? Here you go: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=753200](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=753200) ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/16 "2015-05-19T15:43:20Z")
My fetish is to have sex with as many women as I can. My girlfriend does not share my interest. So I guess I’m out of luck. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/17 "2015-05-19T16:07:03Z")
That seems like too common an interest to warrant the “fetish” label. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/18 "2015-05-19T18:12:39Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Well, both signs are ruled by Mercury, which means that communication will be the key to a healthy relationship. Remember that Gemini is the Twins; your Gemini husband has a kink side and and a vanilla side, which can make it tough for Virgo’s very practical approach to the world. While Mercury itself is androgynous, Gemini represents the masculine aspects of Mercury and Virgo the feminine. This shows that Mercury’s emphasis on communication will be the key to a happy relationship. You are way too good at that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/19 "2015-05-19T18:20:20Z")
> [@hiddenwings](#): > > Maybe its the technicality that goes into kinky sex. Some people get off on technicalities. Also, what are you trying to say? ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/20 "2015-05-19T18:39:07Z")
Wow, this thread has seen more, um, action after it was resurrected, than when it was first started. I will refrain from making any zombie sex jokes. :eek: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372.md?page=2)