# Your spouse/SO does not share your sexual interest/kink/fetish. How do you deal? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372 "2013-05-26T03:37:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/21 "2015-05-19T18:47:59Z")
Mine was pretty tame and I carried a small resentment because she never would go along with it. Roll playing while we are away for weekend or vacation trips. Like the maid or the hooker for instance. She wasn’t much at fantasy or acting so I half way don’t blame her but I thought it wasn’t too much of a request. ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/22 "2015-05-19T19:06:06Z")
> [@hiddenwings](#): > > I have some women challenges on kinky sex. My last/first relationship was with a partner who was very normal in bed. He was predictable, I knew when and what he was into. Now with my current partner who I married, he is very much into kinky sex. I try hard to enjoy most of the unfamiliar positions and roll play/ sex talk with him but for some reason I can’t get 100 percent comfortable with it. don’t know if its because of my insecurities or what. How can I unleash the kinky side of me? For anyone who knows zodiac signs, I’m a Virgo/aries and My husband is a Gemini… > It’s important I please my man all the way. He expects me to enjoy the things he does to me. For the most part I enjoy it all, but somethings holds me back. Maybe its the technicality that goes into kinky sex. Idk.I just don’t like having to lie or fake it. Any advice? Okay, _you_ get to decide what you enjoy. For one thing, we’re all wired a bit differently, and if you don’t enjoy something, you just don’t. You can be willing to do something even if you don’t enjoy it, because you enjoy your husband’s pleasure, assuming it doesn’t violate your moral code and/or make you vomit. If it’s just a question of not feeling 100% comfortable, perhaps you’ll get there in time. A husband who _expects_ you to enjoy what he’s doing just because he wants to do it? Maybe he’s just a lousy lover. Read Savage Love. Write to Savage Love. That’s Dan Savage’s sex column. I think Bricker has the horoscope side covered. ---
**Author:** ![Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ac8455/32.png) [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Your_Great_Darsh_Face)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/23 "2015-05-19T19:44:04Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Some people get off on technicalities. _ripple of applause_ ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/24 "2015-05-19T20:06:55Z")
> [@Your\_Great\_Darsh\_Face](#): > > _ripple of applause_ I thought it deserved a slow clap. Then a quick banning. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2015, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/25 "2015-05-19T22:08:39Z")
I like tying girls up (and to a lesser extent, being tied up.) Wife’s not interested. I deal. > [@Bricker](#): > > Well, both signs are ruled by Mercury, which means that communication will be the key to a healthy relationship. Remember that Gemini is the Twins; your Gemini husband has a kink side and and a vanilla side, which can make it tough for Virgo’s very practical approach to the world. While Mercury itself is androgynous, Gemini represents the masculine aspects of Mercury and Virgo the feminine. This shows that Mercury’s emphasis on communication will be the key to a happy relationship. Post of the year. ---
**Author:** ![BaldDudePeekskill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5e925/32.png) [@BaldDudePeekskill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaldDudePeekskill)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/26 "2015-05-20T03:03:06Z")
> [@River\_Hippie](#): > > My ex wife played into both of my fetishes with no input from me. Lucked out! For one she went (around 1982) from an eighties big hair perm to a super short pixie cut without knowing that that was a big fetish thing for me. I love short haired women and dramatic, long to short make-overs! It was fantastic. Back then I was way too self conscious to ever request it, but she just did it on her own and I was soooo pleased! > That fetish predated my relationship with my ex, actually dating back to when I was about 10. We were together for about 6 years before that happened, I just dealt with it by assuming I was the only one in the world with that fetish (didn’t even know what a “fetish” was) and kept it to myself. > Wasn’t until I got on the internet in 1998 that I realized there were others like me. Wow…substitute husband for wife and you have me…who’d have thunk it ? A bald dude into other bald dudes! But…still haven’t admitted it to him after four years of marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Elemenopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5e925/32.png) [@Elemenopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elemenopy)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/27 "2015-05-20T05:52:30Z")
One can just delicately shift their partner’s affectionate output to something close to the desired behavior. (God, if that isn’t affected-sounding.) Reward any activity approaching the wanted behaviors as much as possible. Not to be flaky, but Bricker’s post (sun signs and all) has got me (us) nailed. Right down to the actual signs. I’m the Virgo, he’s the Gemini. It works ok, mostly. But I’d like more kink (I’m very submissive, in a nice way) and he’s both very vanilla and very intrigued by over-the-top kink, so rarely goes there because of fear of harming me or…? I think we could get this worked out nicely, but too much life and little ones prevents relaxed and detached exploration. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2015, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/28 "2015-05-21T06:43:26Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Well, both signs are ruled by Mercury, which means that communication will be the key to a healthy relationship. Remember that Gemini is the Twins; your Gemini husband has a kink side and and a vanilla side, which can make it tough for Virgo’s very practical approach to the world. While Mercury itself is androgynous, Gemini represents the masculine aspects of Mercury and Virgo the feminine. This shows that Mercury’s emphasis on communication will be the key to a happy relationship. What’s great is that it’s also a good answer. And I don’t know about the rest, but Mercury is the god of communication. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2015, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/29 "2015-05-21T11:49:05Z")
Wha… you no liek Crisco Twister? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2015, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372/30 "2015-05-21T14:00:50Z")
> [@Enola\_Straight](#): > > Wha… > you no liek Crisco Twister? Oh, hell no! If you can’t use real lard, perhaps we need to talk about the future of this relationship. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-spouse-so-does-not-share-your-sexual-interest-kink-fetish-how-do-you-deal/659372.md?page=1)