I am having one of those days at work where I add mental subtitles to my interactions with dumbass cow-orkers. This is somewhat inspired by comedian Franklin Ajaye who did a routine about his time working in a men’s clothing store and having to cater to nitwits, who’d ask stuff like “Do you have any Pierre Cardin slacks?” “Yes, sir” (but they won’t fit your fat ass).
Hopefully I will not blurt any mental subtitles out loud, but the way things are going here, the risk is increasing. 
Overweight men who like to wear nice pants are nitwits?
It’s really because it rotates as you pick it up. If it’s right-side up on the plate it will be turned upside down as you pick it up, and vice-versa. (Of course it’s not impossible to keep it from rotating as you pick it up and set it down, but you have to twist your wrists in an awkward fashion.)
I eat pizza crust-edge first, and work my way toward the point.
If I’m eating a fast-food burger, I remove the lettuce, tomato and pickle, and eat them first, like a little side-salad.
I sometimes pretend I’m escorting Abraham Lincoln through the 21st Century, explaining all the new stuff to him. He hates traffic and all the noise, but loves fluorescent lighting and the way women are dressed. Computers are just magic to him.
I do something similar to this. I read the crappy comics first and save the good ones until last. Sometimes this means flipping back and forth betweeen pages.
Also, if I can, I eat my meals very slowly to savor and enjoy every bite. I haven’t finished a meal while still warm or a bowl of cereal while still crunchy in years. I do it because I can. If I don’t have time I can finish a meal in normal time like if I am at a restuarant. The longest time I take to finish is at lunch at work because I can just nibble on something for hours. I think I average about 2hrs for lunch although several times it’s come closer to 3 hrs.
I used to do that ages ago. How’s Old Abe doing?
I do this when I’m cooking as if I’m starring in my own show on Food Network. I’m much more entertaining (and cook better looking food) than (redacted) in 30 minutes and especially (redacted) and her Kwanzaa cakes.
I also sometimes give tours to myself when I’m driving. “And here on your right, outside of USX Tower, is a bunch of ignorant office minions who think crossing against the light is a cool thing to do. Hi there, ignorant minions!”
I am also sometimes a slug/worm/snail similar invertebrate. Mainly for therapeutic purposes for my back. (Pretending you have no bones is exceptionally relaxing.)
I do this too. I bet if we lived together…we’d drive each other batshit. 
<quietly raises hand to ear level, shyly looks around >
I do that. Who wants dry old crust taste left in their mouth after eating yummy pizza? Yes, I could just not eat the crust…my dead mother would scold me though.
When pulling a jug of milk out of the refrigerator section, I move jugs around to get at one that was in the middle of the shelf. I figure that a jug that was surrounded by other jugs will be colder. We customers are crazy.
I rarely eat the last bite of food on my plate. I don’t know why I do it. When I really love the dish I’ll clean my plate, however, I never finish the last bite of a sandwich. That one is more explainable. All you’re down to in the last bite of sandwich is bread. No point in eating it anymore.
I don’t narrate my life but I do have a bad habit of talking to myself out loud. People tell me that’s a pretty common thing but I still get strange looks in the grocery store when I talk to myself about which canned tomato product I need to buy next.
I buy the papers for only that reason.
I park my car in parking spaces that rarely get used because I feel sorry for them.
I think people who read a lot frequently imagine narration in their daily life.
lately I have been doing this but instead of Abe, I explain things to LeBeau from Hogan’s Heroes.
it’s hard to distract him from wanting to neck with me, however.
When I minimally injure other people I say ow. When others minimally injure me I say sorry.
When I go to sleep I try to mentally move the happy tingly sleepy feeling in my head and redistribute it to other parts of my body.
I do it to avoid getting one (of anything) with other peoples’ eyeprints all over it.
Amen, Sister. I turn a lot of food upside down. Candy bars, cookies, chips, sandwiches…because the top/upper side is where the flavor/sugar/salt gets sprinkled or spread. I enjoy having the flavors directly on my tongue.
Same with candy bars, because the tops usually have interesting textures that feel good.
I was probably in my 50’s before I realized (remembered) that my Dad used to do the same thing with selected foods.
I pick out random cars driving near me to memorize the details in case someone leaps out of them to commit a crime, or the driver gets carjacked, or the whole car blows up, or some similar catastrophe, so I can be a fabulous witness: “Yes, Officer, it was an early '90s silver Corolla, Pennsylvania plate XC96 7R, with a Gore/Lieberman bumper sticker!”
But this never happens.
I twist paper clips into vaguely anthropomorphic shapes and twirl them throughout the day.
I do this. But not with random cars, only ones that are a little erratic or set off my “spidey sense”.
I haven’t had the opportunity to use my observations, either.
I do this in the car. Generally it’s fine, but years ago a coworker asked me what sort of cell phone ear piece I owned. It took me a second to figure out he saw me chatting to myself and thought I was actually a normal person having a conversation with another normal person.
I also occasionally explain my activities to an alien that recently touched down in my back yard. “That’s right, we human men have facial hair, and I use this sharp blade to cut the hairs back to the skin. Yes, it’s quite humorous to think about, but grooming is important to attracting a mate.” “What’s a mate? Oh boy, this’ll take a while…”
This thread proves that silliness is ubiquitous. We just express it in different ways.