We really did have a theme going.
The Wager This one felt rushed to me, too much time on non-essentials and the good stuff was rushed through.
Tick, tick, tick I don’t get the connection between the memory lapses and the timepiece. Also this story seemed devoid of emotion.
Pocket Miracle I like this alot. Very little scene setting, just right to the action. The motivations were clear and the actions logical. I liked the irony of what happened. It was very well developed and plotted considering how short the story had to be. Best use of the picture. I am not sure why the coins stuck to the table in the game.
Seth I never got a sense of the character or why he did what he did. The motivation of the old couple seemed odd as well. The violence came out of nowhere.
Discovering Roses Very little pathos for a story that really needs it. The mother seemed like she talked in cliches rather than being a real person. This type of story has been done so many times it really needs something unique to have impact.
The question and the answer This one just went right over my head, I could not relate to it at all.
The company of birds Really liked it, it felt real and everything in it rang true. The exposition was done very artfully. Well crafted and really well paced.
Project Fast Track Interesting concept, but the execution fell flat to me. It really needed a point of view and characterization.
Yours always Well written, but poorly paced. Too much detail in the first part and then not enough after the watch is found. Wraps up too quickly.
**Henchman ** Good idea and a good start. It seemed like you ran out of steam and the story just kind of petered out. Would have like one or two long entries instead of all the short ones. Who writes in a diary as they are being shot at by a boat?
the Dream and the nightmare I had a lot of trouble with the length, I tried to shoehorn it into 2000 words, but left alot out.
Watchman I liked the characterization and the voice in this one. The personality of the narrator really comes through. The ending is fun. There was an abrupt change in voice in the middle where the exposition is done, and then it changes back.
Time and Time again This felt cold to me. What is happening is confusing for most of the story. All of the story seems to happen in the epilogue.
House of Regret Very well written but I was confused and had to read it a couple of times. The molestation accusation seemed a modern insertion into a medieval story. The age of the boy was never clear to me.
**The airship of Kerguelen ** Did not understand this one at all. Why are the girls wearing bloomers?, why does anyone care about the 70 year old submarine base? What is with all of the Jules Verne stuff?, why is the girl attracted to the professor? It felt like there was an earlier story that explained everything that I missed.
Picking back up with comments…
“Watchman” Post #14
This pretty much had everything you could ask for in fewer than 2000 words. Some anger, some comedy, some more anger. It’s so well-written. It reads almost exactly how I would talk (except for the Britishisms), which makes it comfortable to me. Referring to “the rotten bastards.” I loved it. Normally I might say something about a lack of dialogue, but it didn’t really matter in this story. The attitude is perfectly captured. I don’t really have any negative criticism to offer.
“The Dream and the Nightmare” Post #13
I liked all the dialogue in this one. There was some nice, crisp back-and-forth between the two characters, which I think is nice to keep things moving. However, I had a bit of a hard time getting what was going on. I gather the patient recalls, through hypnosis, a home invasion that happened when he was a young child. I guess that’s supposed to be significant to his adult development somehow? At the end, is he just kind of weirded out by the hypnosis? I had trouble seeing how it all tied together. The story was well-writtin, had some strong dialogue, but probably could have used another thousand words.
“Henchman” Post #12
This is another one that I really liked. The diary entries worked great for displaying how our character is slowly putting things together while also kind of losing it. I liked the short, concise entries. There was really no dialogue, but I think the loneliness was half the point, so it’s ok. I’m not entirely sure what was going on, but that also seemed to work well because our character was also in the dark. If given more words, it would have been cool to get the diary entries from other characters, like a Dracula style of story. Again, very well done overall.
I enjoy these stories and glad insomnia has given me the time to read them all. My top three favorites are:
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Discovering Roses
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Time and Time Again
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Project Fast Track (yours always and the question and answer were other considerations for this slot)
Some comments
**
The Wager**: I liked the intrigue. Spooky!
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Tick Tick Tick**: This was a lot of fun to read. I found myself wishing for a different ending.
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Tick Tock**: Very well written story if maybe just a little too predictable for me.
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Pocket Miracle**: I like this a lot. Of course, I wish he’d made a different choice.
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Seth**: I’m sorry, but I did not care for this story at all. Invert was so forced that it distracted me terribly and the violence was ugly. I’m sorry!
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Discovering Roses**: This was my favorite story. I loved it.
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The Question and the Answer**: Because I have never seen an episode of Dr Who, I didn’t understand most of this. Once I knew the author, I was disappointed that I didn’t get it, because I think the last story by this author was my favorite.
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The Company of Birds**: I’m not sure what I didn’t care for in this story…it’s well written, but maybe a little scattered and long in places.
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Project Fast Track**: I liked this a lot. There were a few errors, but this is the story I most want a follow up on.
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Yours Always**: This is almost excellent. That’s what I wrote down when I finished reading it. I can’t quite put my finger on why it fell just short of that for me…perhaps a pacing thing as mentioned above.
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Henchmen**: FUN! Liked it a lot.
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The Dream and The Nightmare**: This fell flat for me. I think more words would have helped. I didn’t understand what was happening.
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The Watchman**: Another one I like a lot. Well written.
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Time and Time Again**: Love the idea itself and the story is well written. My second favorite.
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House of Regret**: Very cool story, but I wish it had not been a vampire. I’m tired of vampires.
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The Airship of Kerguelen**: I could not get interested in this story. I’m sorry! I’m not big on sci-fi, so that was part of my problem. I couldn’t keep track of what was going on though. In some parts, I wasn’t sure who was saying what.
You all deserve a huge round of applause.
Back with more…
“Yours Always” Post #11
It starts out as a nice, sentimental reflection piece, thinking about the character’s mother. The prose is nicely put together. When the mother’s past issues are brought to light, things really start to pick up, there is some good dialogue between the main character and her aunt. The character eventually comes to accept her mother for who she was. The story has kind of neat bookends with the conversation with the cashier. Overall, it’s very well-written, but the subject material is somewhat gloomy (nobody wants to find out their parents aren’t perfect) and it’s kind of dificult to enjoy.
“Project Fast Track” Post #10
So this was another kind of fun little sci-fi romp. I liked it because it featured a good amount of dialogue and an interesting concept with the time bubble. It was pretty simple and straight forward and managed to keep the plot moving. The end seemed a bit rushed from the point Darlene decided to go in the bubble to the time Zeke was just like, hey ok go for it. Overall, though, nice job.
“The Company of Birds” Post #9
This is so very well written, everything is described as accurately as one could hope for. No detail escaped the writer, from textures to tastes to smells. It’s a great sensual trip through the real world, which I’m sure appeals to a lot of readers. Personally, I like something with more action. This was more of a trip into the thoughts of someone who talks to nature and reflects deeply on items in the mail. So, while it doesn’t stir up any kind of emotions for this reader, the author has done an amazing job of capturing the environment, defining the character and just writing with great skill.
I’ve read through 10 of the other writer’s stories so far, and hope to have my votes and my feedback in soon.
Question - as an author, is it okay to reply to feedback now, or should we leave that until after the poll has closed?
I would say go ahead and leave/reply to feedback anytime. I don’t think it will influence voters (who have had a poor turnout thus far).
I have almost all of my comments finished, but I had to call in sick today (wicked cold) and my document is on my work computer - so hope to post mine tomorrow.
Oh, and I was also going to say there is no reason not to respond to comments now…keeps the thread alive. Speaking of which, puddleglum, I think you forgot a story?
You’re right the similar names threw me.
Tick Tick I did not buy the premise. A genius with a PHd at 18 could easily get a job for the government or translating for an oil company. It would have been better if you said he took the job because he wanted a job where he could think about his studies all day or write poetry in his mind or something like that. Also the situation is not ambiguous yet the genius is slow to act. Two middle eastern men talking about explosions in the lobby of a new york skyscrapers and a genius guard has to debate for 30 minutes whether to report it? Keeping the overheard comment to just the plowed field would have made more sense. Having the UPS guy be the one of the men from earlier was too obvious a clue. It would have been better for him to be unsure of that. Perhaps he notices the strange foreign pocket watch in the backpocket of one of the men and then he hears jingling coming from the UPS guy and he connects those two things.
One the plus side a genius who uses his knowledge of Middle Eastern poetry to solve crimes could definetly be a show on CBS.
The Wager - Interesting angle. On the first read, I didn’t quite get how the watch influenced any wager. After the second skim, I’m still not sure if the holder of the watch decides the fate of the “target”; if so Arthur bet that the classmate wouldn’t die, so who or what is in control of that is still a point of confusion for me. So I’m not sure if it’s internal story-logic that was in err, or something I’m missing. That said, It did keep me in suspense, and I thought it was well paced (until the last line). The dialog felt a little stilted, and I would’ve liked to see a bit more unique coloration in the characters and/or events. Good one though.
Tick, Tick, Tick - I liked this one. I like that it was him restoring the watch that pulled him into our timeline/universe. It was short and fun in that the perspective of the character was from an alternate timeline than our own, rather than the other way around in that the narrative would be describing an alternate timeline/universe the audience isn’t familiar with anyway and would’ve seemed less interesting or more tedious; good call. Also, it allows us to infer and guess as to what was different for him, which adds another layer to engage the reader, I think. However, I think some of the “differences” you mention, while interesting, felt a bit contrived, since most of the major global ones were too easy to guess or didn’t seem likely or perhaps subtle enough in an alternate universe/timeline. It did remind me of Fringe, which isn’t a bad thing! 
Tick Tock - Not so much for me on this. I think you could’ve worked on the symbolism of silver and gold better, but I just wasn’t satisfied with the payoff, in that the only outcome of all these seemingly random and serendipitous (and fairly implausible) events happening only for his parents to become proud of him and his career choices, because he so happened to chose to major in 12th century middle eastern poetry (?), thus saving a terrorist attack. The hook was immediate: “Mike was a genius.” But we don’t really see any evidence of that, unless you count his vast and obscure knowledge of Hazaragi, but that’s more idiosyncratic, so any true genius never really came into play here. Had Mike employed some more cleverness, other than mere translation, and I think you could’ve made the story workable. grain of salt
Pocket Miracle - One of the contenders, here. There’s a few parts where the story or dialog became a little odd for me, but it wasn’t enough to ruin it. You did result to using a coincidence in the rogue arrow incident, so that was sort of predictable — but hey, coincidences happen, and it allowed the pacing of the story continue in good fashion. I love the ending in your moral that [/spoiler]it’s very hard to know when to use something so uniquely valuable, despite present circumstances.[/spoiler]
Seth - Dark! Not easy to pull off, and I don’t think you quite succeeded for what that’s worth. I think had you established a bit more of his sociopathic tendencies, or conveyed that his parent’s friends always felt there was something off about Seth, hesitant to invite him in, but obligated to do so, because of the bond of his parents, the ending wouldn’t have felt like it came out of nowhere. Before that, I felt he was just numb or had Asperger’s, as I feel there should always be a clue that the reader can go back to, and say, “How did I miss that!” so the ending doesn’t feel like it came from another story entirely.
Discovering Roses - Very well written, and a nice story. I liked the sentiments about stopping to smell the roses, but what pulled me out if it for a bit, was that his nature seemed almost OCD with a white-collar business mindset, then the jarring realization he’s a drag queen. Not that those are at odds with each other, but it just seemed he was rushing to the office (as “time is money” in the typical corporate mindset), then we find out he’s in entertainment / theater. Just felt like a mis-match to me in perspective vs. lifestyle. Nonetheless, a very good read.
The Question and the Answer - The stream-of-consciousness / free-association style made it very difficult for me to follow. I’m not a Dr. Who fan, so I’m not sure if I was missing any allusions there (among other pop-references), and I didn’t quite get the connections with the “42” from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and how she was digesting her love for Ian, and everything else. So, in short, an odd narrative, but with moments of interesting phrases; a few more passes might be able to reign this in a bit and be more cohesive, I think.
The Company of Birds - What a well written story! I really connected to the protagonist, even though a straight-up narrative, free of genre, isn’t really my bag. Not much to add, other than great job!
Project Fast Track - You had me at “Time Bubble”. Science fiction is my soft spot, and it was a fun read on top of an interesting, original concept. The ethical conundrums were set up well, but I’m not sure it felt quite resolved in the end. Anyhow, one of the more interesting ones for myself.
Yours Always - Well written, and nothing jarring. I liked the opening and closing punctuating the meat of the story, and of what that watch meant to her and her acceptance of the circumstances revolving around the memento. For me (and maybe it’s just because I’m a dude), I thought some of her reactions to finding out the truth about her mother was a bit of an over-reaction, unless she really had put her mom on a pedestal throughout her life, so that made my over-sentimental’o’meter peek a bit. But otherwise, well done.
Henchman - At first, I was a bit put off by the over usage of exclamation points, and child-like excitement from the first entry, but then, as his jaded cynicism snuck in, I warmed up, and came to accept anyone entering a new and exciting venture is likely to be ecstatic over just the novelty of it. I only had time to read it once, then skim for this review, but I’m still not sure why or where he’s stationed (or if it matters) but had a vague sense it was in the future (?). Perhaps it would’ve helped me get a grip on his situation and the setting, as there seemed to be quite a bit of clandestine actions going about, especially for some court of vague corporate operation? Anyhow, The end unfortunately lost me. I knew he was running for his life, but I didn’t know why the pocket watch was so special or why the enemy was after it. Also, he mentions some bizarre stuff that I can’t quite seem to piece together, like sliding in the air, things being lighter, all that. Without context, I felt a bit lost. Anyhow, besides that, I think a nice touch would’ve been misspellings and rapid, rushed grammar to get the idea he’s just scrawling what he can when he can. Wanted more closure though, it was like the last episode of Lost!
The Dream and the Nightmare - Very well written. The dialog was natural and the characters were fairly colorful, the protagonist definitely had some personality and wit. In the end, it just sort of felt like a tragic anecdote. It seems you ran out of space due to the work limit, as it feels like it needs an epilogue of sorts, so therefore felt a bit incomplete. I think we can all say the same though!
Watchman - Very nice. Has everything I think you could ask for in a fantastical tale like this. Questions still remain for me, as to what the executives had in mind in giving him such a precious, powerful item, but using it to go back to tell them to shove it was nice. Perhaps it would’ve been more profound had the protagonist expressed why he still harbored resentment, once he found out it was no mere “You’re Retired, No Go Fuck Yourself Watch”, but an item of true value, yet still decided to squander it to basically flip them all the bird (of course regretting not doing so earlier. Anyhow, the “place-out-of-time room” reminded me of the house in the book “House of Leaves.” Good read!
Time and Time Again - Only having a few hours to hash this out, I had the idea, and I just started writing, hoping I could get across what I wanted in 2000 words. Of course, my full story turned into 3000 words, and I had to edit down the non0essentials, and hope leaving in the set-up would be more important than the “fun and games” part of using the watch over the years. So, I feel my own story is missing the middle. Perhaps I’ll put it back in, and post it after the polling here for whatever reason.
House of Regret - Interesting take on vampires. I wasn’t expecting it at all, so when it was revealed in the end, it took me by surprise in a genuine way. I don’t have much to add, as I’m not a fan of the genre at all, but as far as I can tell, it was well written.
The airship of Kerguelen - Yeh, sorry, this one felt all over the place, and I couldn’t make head or tales of the motives of the characters. I realize it’s a Steam Punk story, and the various technical details were interesting, but for me, the characters or the events and action went from odd to confusing. I’m not sure how to even critique this one.
I look forward to more of these sweatshops! Good fun.
Voted! Oh my, lots of great stories here. I will try to type up some comments as well, but there are already excellent critiques and I’m not sure what I could add.
I couldn’t find time to submit something this round, but would love to participate next time. Le Ministre, if I could be added to the notification list I’d be grateful!
More reviews…
“The Question and the Answer” Post #8
This was certainly one of the more unique stories in this anthology. It’s like an excercise I would do if I were suffering insomnia, playing word games, stringing words together, linking them to favorite movies and books. The author seemed to just really let his thoughts pour out and I found it somewhat difficult to relate to. What’s the question? What’s the answer? 42? Despite that, this story gets big points for style and originality.
“Discovering Roses” Post #7
This writer consistently turns in very nice efforts for these anthologies, this story is no different. It’s very well written. Great prose. It’s based right here in reality and it has a touch of an emotional sentiment. The main character being a drag queen was very unexpected, which I’m sure was the intent. We don’t think of a persong being very punctual and walking the straight and narrow and having a loving connection with his family and being…a crossdresser. It breaks convention, which is good. The story has a nice message too: stop and smell the roses!
“Seth” Post #6
This one is twisted. I had a hard time placing the picture and I think it’s missing one of the words (corporate). But, this story is an interesting look at an obviously deranged individual. It’s something you could totally see being in the news. Kid snaps after death of parents. I actually kind of liked it. It’s pretty well written and the ending really wrapped up quite nicely (for the reader, at least) with the “it’s ok to cry.” Clever. Pretty good effort.
Done.
Might as well just finish these off…
“Pocket Miracle” Post #5
I enjoyed this story a lot. It featured one of the more unique uses for the picture. It was well written, it had nice character interaction, good dialogue. I liked the delimma where the main character decided not to use the watch to undo Aric’s death. I would have made the same choice. I’d like to see how this one ends.
“Tick Tock” Post #4
I liked this one a lot right up to the end. The suspense was great. The “should I/shouldn’t I” inner dialogue of the character was very well done. I can definitely understand why he would have been hesitant to turn in a couple guys speaking a different languague. I thought it was very well explained why Mike was conflicted with that decision. But, finally, it became obvious what had to happen when a terrorist showed up with strange looking packages. And then, finally, Mike’s parents accepted him? I thought the story was good enough without the family disfunction.
“Tick, Tick, Tick…” Post #3
This was pretty well written, and pretty short. It was a good idea, pretty unique. I would have liked to see more done with it. Maybe a few more oddities thrown at the character to really set him on edge. He said he was really scared but I didn’t quite get that feeling. Maybe a few more clues as to what was going on would have been nice, too. Was he just losing his mind or was there actually evidence for an alternate reality? I’m guessing the former, but it’s hard to tell.
“The Wager” Post #2
Wow, what an awesome story! Actually, yeah, I really rushed through this one. The time stamp difference on the email I received with the words and picture to the one I sent back with my story was 1 hour and 55 minutes. If I had more time I might have changed a couple things, but overall I thought it turned out OK.
The watch in the story, by the way, just kills people when they mention it. It’s magic.
Sounds eerily familiar.
Looks like TheresaParker9 was some kind of crazy spamming echobot.
We should work her into the theme for next round.
Yeh, that was weird. Why would it do that?
As a story writer here for the first time I want to thank **Le Ministre de l’au-delà ** for all the work in posting and keeping track of the votes. I can’t wait for the next one.
I want to tell you something weird about the story I wrote:
I wrote “Tick Tick Tick” about things changing on the story writer. The initial story, about mistaking a memory of a pocket watch for a wrist watch is absolutely true, taken from real life. I did ask my father about taking the pocket watch from his dad for cleaning and he said it was a wristwatch from his mom. I was seriously freaked about that, and when I saw the picture we had to use I instantly had an idea for the story.
I hope to do a better story next time.
My cold is pretty much over, feeling better. So, here are my comments - take with grain of salt and some orange juice and bedrest:
My Short Story Grades System/Scale
Introduction 30 pts – Does the story grab you from the beginning and make you want to read more?
Body 30 pts – Does the story keep your interest? Is it descriptive? Do the characters come alive or grow? Is there continuity and structure?
Conclusion 30 pts – Does the story have a satisfying ending?
Rating scale 10 pts – On purely subjective scale of 1 to 10, how much did I like the story?
Total 100
The Wager, post #2
Intro: 27 Nice! You know something is up right off the bat.
Body: 27 good job, kept my interest and wanted to learn more.
Conclusion: 20 and this is where I felt the story sagged – was hoping for a better payoff – maybe some big reward or some great mythical treasure or ribald tail of how he was swindled or some clue to an inheritance. Seemed a bit abrupt of an ending as well.
Rating: 8 still like the story and elements, just was hoping for a different ending, but maybe that is unfair to critique – if I were reading the story of the Abe Lincoln, I can’t exactly bitch that he dies after he gets shot end, can I? That was your ending. I guess I was hoping for a different end.
Total: 82
Tick, Tick, Tick . . . ., post #3
Intro: 24 because this was the only weak part of your story. If you had started off with “Maybe I really am going crazy” or some really crazy example, it would have gotten me more involved.
Body: 29 nice examples of time twisted elements and alternate universe. The story got better and better as I read it.
Conclusion: 28 satisfying conclusion, but again I was hoping for something more – maybe the ability to change fate and the mastery of the ability? For example, figuring out how to switch things around so his dead ex-girlfriend didn’t die in a car crash and suddenly he gets a call from her to come over for dinner?
Rating: 9
Total: 90
Tick Tock, post #4
Intro: 30 perfection!
Body: 30 fascinating!
Conclusion: 30 excellent!
Rating: 10 for the best short story ever written in the English language by some anonymous, extremely talented, handsome, well-endowed, athletic, nice-smelling, extremely humble author.
Total: 100
Pocket Miracle, post #5
Intro: 26 although not riveting, it was a very nice set up to the story.
Body: 28 kept my interest all the way and got better as the story progressed.
Conclusion: 30 great ending! Although you kept waiting to see how exactly he would use this special chance, it was satisfying to realize it was something you wouldn’t want to waste.
Rating: 9 one of my favorite stories, with a slight nitpick – assuming he were shot in the head, how exactly would have been able to re-set the watch? Might have been better to be a 24 hour re-wind than just a minute, but those are truly nitpicks – otherwise a nice story with intriguing thought process.
Total: 93
Seth, post #6
Intro: 22 as this was the only really weak spot – could have used a better, sudden opening – maybe start off with the statement, “Got a message from old family friend, Edna – she said it was urgent and to come home immediately! Anybody else would have jumped up and ran. Seth, however, didn’t even respond.”
Body: 28 moved right along.
Conclusion: 30 – wow, that was one hell of a conclusion!
Rating: 9 great story, strong ending, good job!
Total: 89
Discovering Roses, post #7
Intro: 25 OK but didn’t grab me – still, got the mood set.
Body: 28 kept me interested and moved along nicely.
Conclusion: 26 nice job of showing growth in the character.
Rating: 8 I liked this story, but think you could have spent more time with Steve’s thoughts and performance after the death. Still, it was a satisfying ending.
Total: 87
The question and the answer, post #8
Intro: 22 moved slowly, but set the scene.
Body: 25 there were some bits I really liked and started to get to know her very well!
Conclusion: 26 a bit of an enigma, and I guess we can guess what the answer would be, but might have been nice to have her simply say 2 4 and him reply 4 2 and they go off for an exciting 3.
Rating: 7 good story, but felt it could have been tightened up in spots.
Total: 80
The Company of Birds, post #9
Intro: 29 got our attention immediately. Nice.
Body: 29 beautiful story, nicely phrased, nicely constructed, good pacing.
Conclusion: 30 satisfying on every level.
Rating: 10 for a really great story with all the elements put together perfectly. You felt like you were sitting out back with a friend and just felt the emotions ooze all over you. Good work!
Total: 98
Project Fast Track, post #10
Intro: 27 pretty good - got my attention with the concept of a time bubble and wanted to learn more.
Body: 26 as this kept moving at a good clip, but the ending came rather abruptly and I had to re-read it to make sure I hadn’t missed something.
Conclusion: 25 I got the end, but as mentioned, a bit quick and could have used maybe two or three more sentences to wrap it up.
Rating: 8 nice story, but a bit rushed.
Total: 86
Yours Always, post #11
Intro: 27 simple, but nice intro that set the thoughts in motion.
Body: 25 and although I really, really did like the style and the basic concept of the story, it seemed to be odd that the aunt blurted this out and also that the main character didn’t even feel compelled to learn more about Robert. I know he was the “bad guy”, or was he? Seems like a bit more could have been fleshed out.
Conclusion: 28 very, very nice indeed – made peace with the news, but still wish the news had been described a bit more fully.
Rating: 9 good job!
Total: 89
Henchman, post #12
Intro: 26 pretty good set up for what follows.
Body: 27 and I liked the diary aspect of your story, building tension and suspense.
Conclusion: 25 sorta didn’t like the payoff – was hoping for more of a conclusion letting me know what the facility was, or if it really existed at all, or whatever – just seemed to dissolve into war.
Rating: 7 started off strong, but then felt a little cheated with the ending.
Total: 85
The Dream and the Nightmare, post #13
Intro: 28 as this got my attention, and you put us in the scene quickly with just the image of a doctor in an exam room.
Body: 24 this started off pretty good, but the actually story of what happened was lacking some perspective – why was the guy in the house, what was he looking for, why had the patient forgotten or repressed this memory? I can remember something when I was 2 years old, so I think a 4 year old would have some recollection.
Conclusion: 22 it ended sort of abruptly and didn’t really accomplish much after the hypnosis was over – no great revelation.
Rating:7 started off great, but then sort of lost the thread towards the end.
Total: 81
Watchman, post #14
Intro: 29 very good job of getting us right into the mindset of the character!
Body: 29 also a great job at moving us along, feeling every nuance of the train of thought.
Conclusion: 30 excellent and quite satisfyingly wonderful kick!
Rating: 10 one of the best, if not the best, story in the group. I liked how I really got to know this wonderful curmudgeon who had every right to feel the way he did, and wish there were more people like him around! Nice job!
Total: 98
Time and Time Again, post #15
Intro: 24 as it was OK and set the scene, but not sure exactly how it set the story so much.
Body: 25 moved along, but perhaps could have used some more examples of using the watch. Come on, a bit of larceny? Stopping time and maybe taking a little walk around the other side of the bank counter and help yourself to a couple hundred bucks? All sorts of fun things you can do while others are frozen in time. But I did very much like the description of finding it and then opening that old tin box to see what was inside.
Conclusion: 25 again, was hoping for more of a payoff with this great ability – maybe save his family from a fire or something big and amazing. The end just sort of, well, ended.
Rating: 8 nice elements of the story, but I think there were some missed opportunities.
Total: 82
House of Regret, post #16
Intro: 22 as it was a bit slow to get started, but you set the scene.
Body: 20 color me confused, but I think someone sort of died, and there was a claim that someone might have been a pedophile but it was a lie, and then we were trying to revive someone. Maybe it is me but I just had problems following along. Sorry.
Conclusion: 25 I did understand that they were both now dead, but not quite sure how that solves the other part of the story or even if it was supposed to…and then I got it; vampires.
Rating: 5 sorry, but I really, really dislike anything to do with vampire/zombie/werewolf stories. Although I will admit I was confused at first, I think there was a nugget of a story buried in there that I would actually like to read, but without any bloodsucking mythical creatures.
Total: 72
The airship of Kerguelen, post #26
Intro: 25 as it started off OK.
Body: 20 I think I needed a compass to follow this story, as it didn’t really make all that much sense to me. Sorry.
Conclusion: 21 I guess it wrapped up, but not quite sure of the point or what they found or how this would or wouldn’t change things. I must be dense, but it just didn’t add up right.
Rating: 7 as I guess I just didn’t “get” this one.
Total: 73
A few notes on the stories - it’s taken me a while to get round to completing and posting this. Lots of these pieces are fantastic, and all of them have many strengths. A lot of them were good enough to have been sustained for much longer - in cases where there are criticisms, in fact, that’s the real problem; it’s hard to get everything in to 2000 words. I’m rubbish at writing reviews, though, so apologies for the brevity.
The Company of Birds
Lovely language, imagery, mood, tone. Effective sense of stillness, of the woman’s life being ‘stuck.’ A fantastic sense of capturing the ‘decision’ moment. One of those stories which offers such a well-constructed view into someone else’s mind and life that it’s hard afterwards to believe it was only 2000 words long.
Tick tock
Use of other languages and the set up in general, the whole idea of the genius in a fairly mundane job, is really interesting. I’d prefer to read more about his response to being in such a job; I think the idea is interesting enough that the rest of the plot is actually something of a distraction from it.
The Wager
Reminds me a lot of Roald Dahl (I mean that as a compliment!) Strikes me as one of those stories which could do with another 1000 words, and the writing is easily strong enough to sustain interest for longer.
Tick, tick, tick
Intriguing idea. Sets up a lot of interesting enigmas but doesn’t settle any of them! I like that, though. Works well as the premise for a longer story, maybe.
Pocket Miracle
Genre conventions are used well and it’s a brave attempt to capture the nature of fantasy lit in 2000 words. Again, it seems like it could easily be the beginning of something longer; partially non-conclusive ending which really cries out to be resolved (after about 16 novels’ worth of adventure and derring-do.) It feels incomplete as it stands, though that is far from unusual in short stories and it’s often part of their interest. A really strong piece of writing - one of the best.
Seth
Dramatic, shocking. Perhaps the twist is actually too much of a shock, but there is a lot of really good characterization. The old couple are very effectively drawn as well-meaning busybodies - both irritating and sympathetic which, of course, makes their slaughter more shocking.
Discovering Roses
Nice, pleasant, optimistic tone. A ‘well-made’ story which effectively charts a subtle but profound change in a believable character. Reminded me of a lot of the classic ‘New Yorker’ style stories. (With cross-dressing as a bonus.)
The Question and the Answer
Brave effort to use what is almost a stream-of-consciousness sort of voice. Strong sense of the girl’s individual character and nicely controlled towards a clever conclusion.
Project Fast Track
Interesting idea, very good tech-related moral dilemma in classic sci-fi style. Good use of dialogue.
Yours Always
Nice evocation of the mother’s character and relationship with the father. Also some nice imagery (the ‘topsy turvy Emerald City.’)
Henchman
Interesting attempt to use epistolary, episodic form. Like a lot of the stories, I felt this one needed a much higher word-count to do justice to itself - it covers a lot of time and action and you can feel it start to knock up against the limits of the word-count. The suspension of disbelief needed to accept that someone continues to write letters or diaries or whatever whilst incredibly dangerous things are happening is difficult to conjure up, but the pacing is speedy enough to keep the reader invested.
The Dream and the Nightmare
Effective creation of tension. Intriguing set-up, could almost be drafted into a realist piece, given the anti-climactic ending. Like ‘The Question and the Answer’, I got the feeling that the story was trying to do something a little bit different from most of them.
Time and Time Again
This is good in terms of the creation of a engaging, authentic voice and a world. Another idea that is easily strong enough to sustain a much longer story. Its main strength - the sense of a very different world which is similar in many ways to our own - reminds me of really good fantasy writing.
House of Regret
A good one - ambitious and complex narrative with the blending of past and present. Well-created creepy tone.
The airship of Kerguelen
Really bad luck that this got left off the main list. I love all the steampunk stuff. It reads to me like it’s trying to be a screenplay (there’s even a stage direction at the end in brackets!) because it’s potentially such a strongly visual piece and I can imagine it as the basis of a computer game too!
That’s it. Thanks, Le Min, for setting this up - I hadn’t really noticed these competitions on SDMB before, but please add me to the list for any future ones!
So many dead relatives and so much space-time shennanigans!
The Wager, post #2
Cute creepy story. I find myself wanting to know a little bit more about how the grandmother died, and why the grandfather kept the watch and left it to his grandson.
Tick, Tick, Tick . . . ., post #3
Nice concept with the drifting through universes, but would have liked to see it developed more.
Tick Tock, post #4
I think what I found most interesting about this story was that the specific details about the language made me curious about the experiences of the author himself.
Pocket Miracle, post #5
An interesting character study of someone who hoards their prize, at all costs.
Seth, post #6
Wow, that took a turn lol.
Discovering Roses, post #7
I liked the general character arc, and the surprise profession. I’d have to liked to have seen you do more with showing how his life changes after he slows down though.
The question and the answer, post #8
After doing well last time, rather than try to duplicate my success I figured I’d try something a little bit different and I guess it was just a bit too different lol. I tend to think of the SDMB as being very pop culture and genre aware but it seems this thread attracts a different crowd. I guess it’s a lesson to not assume your audience will be familiar with your references, though I had thought Hitchhikers and Dr Who were fairly universal. In any case, after running with a cool premise last time, I wanted to try and do more of a character piece this time.
The Company of Birds, post #9
The formatting on this one was a little off. Interesting character study. I wanted to know a little bit more about what happened with Andrew, and whether Lanie ended up in rehab.
Project Fast Track, post #10
Cool concept, and interesting choice for specific conflict. I think the resolution could have been stronger though. Her decision to go in to the bubble too was made out to be important but it didn’t quite get there. Maybe she needed a stronger more specific plan, like wooing the girl herself, or having her own personal reason for going.
Yours Always, post #11
Nice character study and inclusion of the watch.
Henchman, post #12
Love the premise of the naive security person recruited as a henchman unknowingly. I wondered whether or not his family really was getting benefits or not. And the ending was a little weak.
The Dream and the Nightmare, post #13
A little bit too telegraphed - it was pretty obvious what was going on. And needs a stronger resolution - I need to know why he was unaware of this event, how it’s affecting him other than the dreams, and why it’s important that he discover the truth.
Watchman, post #14
Great turnabout ending. Reminds me a little of Seth.
Time and Time Again, post #15
Nice imagery and use of language. Very writerly. Slain in the taint! Interesting twist at the end though I wonder why he was still the center of the magic when the wife had the watch in her possession. And, if he’s been stuck so long how he’s managing to stay fed.
House of Regret, post #16
I liked the set up and the story of the past transgression but didn’t quite get the ending. She tries to go back four days, but instead somehow turns Jesse into a zombie? And what is the fire on her neck thing?
The airship of Kerguelen, post #26
Nice poke at steampunk. Almost wanted this to be a comic. At first I thought “Dorothy and the Professor” was going in a Wizard of Oz direction. What’s “the invert or inverse of out point of origin on earth”? I could nitpick a few things, but that would seem to be against the spirit of the story which was whimsical.
Looking forward to next time!