# Your wife/husband/very-committed-SO is having sex with someone else. Your emotions? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 28, 2015, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042 "2015-05-28T13:39:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/21 "2015-05-28T16:27:27Z")
There aren’t too many things on this earth that I’m completely black-or-white about, but this is one of them. Loyalty is the one thing I can’t do without in a relationship, and this scenario represents the ultimate act of disloyalty. For me, the relationship would be irreparably broken. I would turn around, walk out the front door, and never return. I told my husband when we got married that if the time ever came that he didn’t want to be with me anymore, just come to me and tell me so. I’d be heartbroken and very sad, but I would stand aside and let him go as amicably as I could. If you want to be with me, you do. And if you don’t, you don’t, and there is no middle ground for me. Obviously, I would live by the same set of rules. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/22 "2015-05-28T16:40:47Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > God, I’m not a jealous person at all but actually having sex with someone else? Yes, it would bother me. I am human. I would wonder - am I so ugly? Did I do something horrible? Doesn’t he love me anymore? If he was unhappy, why didn’t he tell me about it? It amazes me how women turn everything inward. It can’t be that he’s an asshole, or that he was momentarily overcome by lust. No, it must be something wrong with you. I’m not saying this to pick on you in particular. My wife takes on this attitude all the time. Everything but the weather must be her fault somehow and I’m like “What the hell is wrong with you?!” Which, obviously, doesn’t help the situation. 🙂 Anyway, back to the OP: I’d see infidelity in the same light as other major trust-breaking issues. She ran up the credit cards on a massive shopping spree, or re-mortgaged the house, or turned into an alcoholic or promised that this year she’d finally take care of the weeds in her flower beds. Sex has some unique baggage from other problems, but I’m not overly hung up on the jealousy angle. Marriages break up for all kinds of reasons and if infidelity is the straw the breaks the camel’s back, I have to think that we were already headed that direction. Marriages can certainly survive infidelity and so it’s a time to take stock and decide to either to do the work or move on. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/23 "2015-05-28T16:49:24Z")
I’ve cheated and been cheated on, but I’ve always been true to to my wife and always will be. If I discovered her cheating, I’d be heartbroken. I wouldn’t harm her in retribution; I would rather die than hurt her. I wouldn’t assault her lover; that would cost me my freedom and thus our kids. But my wife is the best thing in my life, and her voluntarily fucking another person would be a profound betrayal that would be incredibly difficult to recover from. ---
**Author:** ![Claverhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Claverhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claverhouse)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/24 "2015-05-28T18:05:55Z")
> [@Habeed](#): > > From a human perspective : your girlfriend, like any woman, rapidly loses sexual attractiveness as she ages. After 35, the decline is rapid and obvious. So expecting her to wait, giving up 10% or so of her entire breeding lifespan, seems unreasonable. I’m aware that historically this has allegedly happened many times. There are countless sappy accounts of women waiting faithfully for years for their husbands to return from war/a coma/etc. But it makes no logistic or practical sense. Indeed; one of the many reasons marriage licences should be annually issued, like dog licences. Enables both parties ( or _all_ parties for the polyamorous ) to walk away friends. You should mention this when proposing. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/25 "2015-05-28T18:43:11Z")
Since I’m polyamorous by nature and history, but vowed to have a monogamous relationship with my nominally monogamous husband \*, I would be very hurt and upset indeed. Not precisely because of the sex, but because it would indicate to me that he doesn’t really trust me enough to talk about it first, knowing that I’d very likely give him my blessing if he had. \*No, I don’t think this is a sacrifice it being untrue to my nature. I gave it a lot if thought before I agreed. I’m poly because I CAN maintain simultaneous romantic/sexual relationships, but that doesn’t mean I have to in order to be complete and fulfilled. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/26 "2015-05-28T19:52:32Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > It amazes me how women turn everything inward. It can’t be that he’s an asshole, or that he was momentarily overcome by lust. No, it must be something wrong with you. > > I’m not saying this to pick on you in particular. My wife takes on this attitude all the time. Everything but the weather must be her fault somehow and I’m like “What the hell is wrong with you?!” Which, obviously, doesn’t help the situation. 🙂 Well, yes, that would be my first thought. I can’t help it. My second and third thoughts might be “jerk” but first thought would be turned inwards. Some people are just like that. Maybe women have been raised all their lives - and I do believe this is the truth - to take the blame onto themselves first. But - women after 35 lose attractiveness. :rolleyes: Because to men, looks are the only thing that’s important. Not anything else, just her looks. What? One whole gender is being judged, can’t I judge the other gender, too? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/27 "2015-05-28T20:23:02Z")
Jealousy is pretty universal. Even young children express jealousy if a parent pays attention to another child, and squirm their way into the lap of the offending parent. Hell, my\* dog\* gets jealous if another dog is getting more attention than him. So, yes, I’d be pissed and angry and upset if I caught my husband screwing another woman. Much later, I’d be really sad because our marriage would essentially be over. Honestly, if someone were to find their spouse in bed with another person, and acted un-bothered by it, I’d start to wonder about him/her. Ambivalence is not a normal reaction to that situation. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/28 "2015-05-28T20:50:12Z")
20 years ago I probably would have shot them both. Now I’d just walk around the room saying “Don’t mind me” while packing her shit. ---
**Author:** ![racepug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@racepug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racepug)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/29 "2015-05-28T20:56:25Z")
Interesting. I’ve thought about this. I know my wife’s told me that me having sex with a woman besides her is a “deal breaker” but as for me? I’m not really sure. I don’t _think_ I’d be all that upset about it but never having that actually happen to me I can’t really say. (Maybe I don’t feel particularly strongly about it because my wife - while she’s had her day in the sun - isn’t really at a point in her life anymore where she’s going to be the focal point of many other men’s desires. Unless we’re talking the 70+ set!) ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/30 "2015-05-28T21:00:46Z")
I don’t give or accept promises of exlusivity so the “broken promises” thing would not apply. I don’t feel the jealousy you folks describe. I don’t associate “she’s having sex with someone else” with “she is therefore leaving me”, or at least not unless I’m feeling unusually vulnerable, and as long as abandonment feelings don’t get stirred in, I’m fine with her having sex with others. In fact it means she (that particular partner) is likely to be happier and more enthused in general, so it’s good news overall. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/31 "2015-05-28T22:01:21Z")
When it happened to me, it was a kick in the gut. I’m not a jealous person and my first reaction was that I had let her down and not treated her right. I was unemployed and it put a lot of pressure on her. Plus she liked the attention. It worked out for the best, but it destroyed me back then. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/32 "2015-05-28T22:36:05Z")
_Your wife/husband/very-committed-SO is having sex with someone else. Your emotions?_ Primarily anger. I’d kick them out on their ass, just like I did the time it really happened. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/33 "2015-05-28T22:39:42Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > How universal is this kind of jealousy? Most films/novels/songs/etc that touch on the topic would seem to assume it’s totally universal. But then, it’s a great source of drama and conflict and that’s what these media thrive on, so they’re naturally going to be biased in this direction. Haven’t we been here before with the “will the workaholic businessman make it to his daughter’s dance recital?” plot that confused you? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/34 "2015-05-28T23:33:10Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Haven’t we been here before with the “will the workaholic businessman make it to his daughter’s dance recital?” plot that confused you? That doesn’t ring a bell but I have a terrible memory. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/35 "2015-05-28T23:36:38Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I don’t give or accept promises of exlusivity so the “broken promises” thing would not apply. I don’t feel the jealousy you folks describe. I don’t associate “she’s having sex with someone else” with “she is therefore leaving me”, or at least not unless I’m feeling unusually vulnerable, and as long as abandonment feelings don’t get stirred in, I’m fine with her having sex with others. In fact it means she (that particular partner) is likely to be happier and more enthused in general, so it’s good news overall. Huh. That sounds similar to the way I think about it. I guess the question in my OP is somewhat malformed because it’s natural to assume that “spouse/very-committed-SO” implies, inherently, a promise of sexual exclusivity. But even given that–I mean, after all, there is an understood promise of sexual exclusivity in my own marriage–it still wouldn’t upset me that much. It’d be a broken promise, which would make me sad, but I mean… how can I put this? It was a promise made in heightened emotions, decades ago, and which I accepted mostly out of custom. (And made the same one\* for much the same reasons.) 😃 \*Which, to be clear, I intend to keep til my dying day ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/36 "2015-05-28T23:41:38Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Honestly, if someone were to find their spouse in bed with another person, and acted un-bothered by it, I’d start to wonder about him/her. Ambivalence is not a normal reaction to that situation. Not normal, sure, but what is there to wonder about exactly? That implies there’s something wrong with the reaction. Is there? If so, what is wrong with it? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/37 "2015-05-28T23:43:18Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Well, yes, that would be my first thought. I can’t help it. My second and third thoughts might be “jerk” but first thought would be turned inwards. > > Some people are just like that. Maybe women have been raised all their lives - and I do believe this is the truth - to take the blame onto themselves first. > > But - women after 35 lose attractiveness. :rolleyes: Because to men, looks are the only thing that’s important. Not anything else, just her looks. > > What? One whole gender is being judged, can’t I judge the other gender, too? I don’t think there were any good reasons to generalize your reaction to women. It seems like a pretty normal reaction by anyone of any gender. When other people do things that relate to your relationship with them, it is very natural to wonder what this means about your own place and role in that relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2015, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/38 "2015-05-28T23:55:29Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > But even given that–I mean, after all, there is an understood promise of sexual exclusivity in my own marriage–it still wouldn’t upset me that much. It’d be a broken promise, which would make me sad, but I mean… how can I put this? It was a promise made in heightened emotions, decades ago, and which I accepted mostly out of custom. (And made the same one\* for much the same reasons.) 😃 Serious question, why do you remain married? What do you get out of it? What does your wife, and your kids? I ask because you don’t seem particularly invested in the whole thing beyond habit and convenience. To refresh your memory, this was your “dance recital” thread: [Why Should I Bother With My Wife’s Sports Tournament?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=728314) ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/39 "2015-05-29T00:10:16Z")
not worth it. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/40 "2015-05-29T00:15:08Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Well, yes, that would be my first thought. I can’t help it. My second and third thoughts might be “jerk” but first thought would be turned inwards. > > Some people are just like that. Maybe women have been raised all their lives - and I do believe this is the truth - to take the blame onto themselves first. > > But - women after 35 lose attractiveness. :rolleyes: Because to men, looks are the only thing that’s important. Not anything else, just her looks. > > What? One whole gender is being judged, can’t I judge the other gender, too? Well… don’t generalize too much here. My wife is substantially older than 35 and you know what my biggest complaint about our sex life is? Prying her out from under the covers. And then out of her pajamas. And by then she’s turned the lights off. I just want to see her naked. She’s the only one who is unhappy with how she looks! I get it. She’s overweight, has wrinkles, stretch marks, multiple surgical scars, etc. She’s not going up on any pinup calendars. We’ll all just admit that. But I’m a guy and I’m turned on by naked women. Even my wife. _Especially_ my wife. From my conversations with other married men, this is not an uncommon way to feel about the issue. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042.md?page=3)