# Your wife/husband/very-committed-SO is having sex with someone else. Your emotions? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 28, 2015, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042 "2015-05-28T13:39:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/41 "2015-05-29T01:35:41Z")
When I found out my ex was having sex with someone else it was the most excruciating (psych) pain I ever experienced. For the first time in my life it made me feel homicidal/suicidal. Thank God, I was able to keep my shit together until things smoothed out. My reaction to such an experience would be much better now, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/42 "2015-05-29T01:36:15Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Does this mean that, when _you_ have sex with your wife, it’s just a fun physical activity, with no deeper significance: it’s not an expression of love or affection or intimacy or commitment? No it doesn’t mean that. Note that what I’ve suggested _isn’t_ that, for me, NO sex has deeper significance. Rather I’ve suggested that SOME sex has no deeper significance. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/43 "2015-05-29T01:40:05Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Serious question, why do you remain married? What do you get out of it? What does your wife, and your kids? I ask because you don’t seem particularly invested in the whole thing beyond habit and convenience. To refresh your memory, this was your “dance recital” thread: [Why Should I Bother With My Wife’s Sports Tournament?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=728314) I’d say your remarks are assuming the very thing I’m suggesting doesn’t seem true to me–that sexual exclusivity goes hand in hand with investment in a person or in a marriage. If that assumption is false then nothing I’ve said suggests a lack of investment. (And indeed, for the record, there is much investment.) So then, the investment or lack thereof is not really worth discussing here despite your wanting to discuss it. It can’t be discussed til the prior issue (the connection between exclusivity and investment) has been hashed out. ---
**Author:** ![HeXen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@HeXen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeXen)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/44 "2015-05-29T01:43:41Z")
It breaks trust and shows a lack of respect for the relationship you both built. Trust has a lot more meaning than people give it credit for. Cheating is something that should be discussed first if there is any real respect and trust there to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/45 "2015-05-29T01:49:55Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > You walk in on your spouse or very committed SO having sex with someone who is not you. How do you feel about this? Why? Are your feelings justified? > > Myself, I’ve never really understood sexual jealousy on any visceral level. If I walked in on my wife having sex with another guy, I might be sad because she didn’t tell me or something, but it’s not as though the thought of her having sex with someone other than me, in itself, inherently makes me angry or upset. Whatever, it’s just sex. It’s fun. Why should I be mad at her having fun? (Practical concerns like disease or pregnancy may be something to have negative emotions about, but these emotions aren’t a visceral reaction to the act itself, but to its possible consequences. That’s not really what I have in mind here.) > > What about you, though? Would it make you really upset on a visceral level? As in, just a reflexive feeling of disgust or anger (or something?) at the very thought of the sex occurring? > > If so, why do you suppose that is, and do you think it’s the “right” feeling to have–or anyway the right feeling to act on? > > How universal is this kind of jealousy? Most films/novels/songs/etc that touch on the topic would seem to assume it’s totally universal. But then, it’s a great source of drama and conflict and that’s what these media thrive on, so they’re naturally going to be biased in this direction. . I think that your feelings are different from the majority because your arrangement with your wife is different from the majority. Somebody who is ‘monogamous’ or ‘faithful’ has an implied and VERY strong bond. To see that bond broken, esp. so blatantly, will shock one. Let’s be real: sex is a unifying experience for non-poly people. Permanant? Who knows or cares. But, it is a betrayal of an intimacy, a covenant, and an undoing of something that somebody had built up, and sacrificed for years for. It also could expose the faithful person to diseases. This, from an adulterous SO, may, not unreasonably, be judged to be a physical attack. Abetted by somebody you had loved and trusted. Not a good situation. Also, inviting an outsider in to a domain that had been considered sacrosanct could make one frightened of what other private and safe regions had been violated by the interloper…again, with a former ally’s help. Hurt by SO’having fun’? No, their pleasure is part of a relationship. Hurt by SO having fun at YOUR expense? You bet. And, then, there’s the personal rejection aspect… ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/46 "2015-05-29T03:04:02Z")
It’d be the end of our relationship. > [@dracoi](#): > > Well… don’t generalize too much here. My wife is substantially older than 35 and you know what my biggest complaint about our sex life is? Prying her out from under the covers. And then out of her pajamas. And by then she’s turned the lights off. I just want to see her naked. She’s the only one who is unhappy with how she looks! > > I get it. She’s overweight, has wrinkles, stretch marks, multiple surgical scars, etc. She’s not going up on any pinup calendars. We’ll all just admit that. But I’m a guy and I’m turned on by naked women. Even my wife. _Especially_ my wife. > > From my conversations with other married men, this is not an uncommon way to feel about the issue. +1000 ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/47 "2015-05-29T03:14:07Z")
I have walked in on an SO having sex with someone else – well, technically, they were sleeping, all nakedly entwined. Visceral? It was like a punch in the gut. Even though intellectually I knew that it was possible, even probable, that he was cheating on me, it was still a cold hard slap in the face to see proof that he cared so little for me, and my feelings, and honestly, my physical safety (though disease didn’t occur to me immediately) to shag some random girl. The proof in front of me actually, literally, stole my breath. It is a completely different thing to pursue a polyamorous arrangement. The default assumption in a serious relationship is that it will be monogamous. Make other arrangements if you like, but without an understanding of the “rules,” it’s a pretty damn deep betrayal of the relationship itself. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/48 "2015-05-29T04:19:24Z")
“Fuck. If she dumps me for this guy, I’ll get kicked out of my house, have to find someplace else to live, and become a weekend dad. And my daughter will start calling someone else ‘daddy.’” ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/49 "2015-05-29T04:54:38Z")
One should never forget the issues of pregnancy and disease. What if she becomes pregnant, who is the father? Apart from that I’ve heard of relationships recovering from this because it forced them to finally be open and honest about their issues and they went into counseling and worked things out. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/50 "2015-05-29T05:03:33Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I’d say your remarks are assuming the very thing I’m suggesting doesn’t seem true to me–that sexual exclusivity goes hand in hand with investment in a person or in a marriage. > > If that assumption is false then nothing I’ve said suggests a lack of investment. (And indeed, for the record, there is much investment.) > > So then, the investment or lack thereof is not really worth discussing here despite your wanting to discuss it. It can’t be discussed til the prior issue (the connection between exclusivity and investment) has been hashed out. And this is why you fail. We aren’t playing philosophical postulates, we’re talking about human relationships. People explain to you time and again, in thread after thread why people want people stuff - because they’re people - and all you can do is stroke your chin and quibble like you’re peering into some sort of petri dish. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/51 "2015-05-29T10:35:53Z")
Hmmmm… _strokes chin_ ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/52 "2015-05-29T10:44:27Z")
No problem. We’ve both been monogamous in our relationship, but I’m not opposed to a 3-some. The only thing that would upset me is if I weren’t invited to join them. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/53 "2015-05-29T13:34:11Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Not normal, sure, but what is there to wonder about exactly? That implies there’s something wrong with the reaction. Is there? If so, what is wrong with it? It’s like saying, “I watched the twin towers fall and felt nothing. Everyone around me was shocked and crying when they saw people jumping, but I just shrugged and went on with my day.” While it must be easier to live your life without empathy, it’s not a character trait I envy. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a marriage with a spouse who didn’t give a rat’s ass whether I cheated on him. In fact, that’d be a pretty compelling sign that I should end that marriage. Obviously, YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/54 "2015-05-29T13:49:28Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > It’s like saying, “I watched the twin towers fall and felt nothing. Everyone around me was shocked and crying when they saw people jumping, but I just shrugged and went on with my day.” > > While it must be easier to live your life without empathy, it’s not a character trait I envy. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a marriage with a spouse who didn’t give a rat’s ass whether I cheated on him. In fact, that’d be a pretty compelling sign that I should end that marriage. > > Obviously, YMMV. Okay but I didn’t say (nor is it true) that I don’t care whether she has sex with other people (or as you put it, that I don’t give a rats ass). Rather, I said I don’t have an immediate visceral negative emotional reaction to the thought of it. There are plenty of reasons to care, but are you really saying that the presence of this immediate, visceral emotional reaction that most people describe is absolutely necessary? That without that, the marriage is as good as non-existent? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/55 "2015-05-29T13:56:57Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I don’t think there were any good reasons to generalize your reaction to women. It seems like a pretty normal reaction by anyone of any gender. When other people do things that relate to your relationship with them, it is very natural to wonder what this means about your own place and role in that relationship. When I was talking about generaization, I was referring to the “Women over 35 lose their attraction” bit. > [@dracoi](#): > > Well… don’t generalize too much here. My wife is substantially older than 35 and you know what my biggest complaint about our sex life is? Prying her out from under the covers. And then out of her pajamas. And by then she’s turned the lights off. I just want to see her naked. She’s the only one who is unhappy with how she looks! > > I get it. She’s overweight, has wrinkles, stretch marks, multiple surgical scars, etc. She’s not going up on any pinup calendars. We’ll all just admit that. But I’m a guy and I’m turned on by naked women. Even my wife. Especially my wife. > > From my conversations with other married men, this is not an uncommon way to feel about the issue. I know, dear, I was just being snippy. I am nearing 40 this year. I am not the 21 year old my love hooked up with, but neither is he. Both of us are not pinup models but I know that he values more than looks. I know men do. It’s as silly to say that men only look for looks as it is to say that women are unattractive after 40. Me, I am more comfortable in my skin and more confident in myself than ever. I know now what matters and what doesn’t. I probably wouldn’t stand and just pose naked in front of my love, either, but getting naked with him? Fun times. And more enthusiastic times. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/56 "2015-05-29T14:01:41Z")
I would be furious, and probably slightly aroused. Which would just anger me further. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/57 "2015-05-29T14:02:22Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > When I was talking about generaization, I was referring to the “Women over 35 lose their attraction” bit. I think our lines got crossed. I was saying another poster shouldn’t have said in response to one of your posts “why do women have to internalize everything.” ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/58 "2015-05-29T14:31:40Z")
> [@frylock](#): > > Okay but I didn’t say (nor is it true) that I don’t care whether she has sex with other people (or as you put it, that I don’t give a rats ass). Rather, I said I don’t have an immediate visceral negative emotional reaction to the thought of it. Well, le’ts first establish what we’re talking about here, because you jump from one scenario to another: “You walk in on your spouse or very committed SO having sex with someone who is not you. How do you feel about this?” or “Does just the thought of your SO having sex with another person bring about an immediate visceral negative emotion?” Two completely different scenarios. One is an actual and the other is a theoretical. Because if you’re saying that if you were to ACTUALLY walk in on your spouse having sex and you wouldn’t feel jealous or angry, then I’m telling you that that’s not a normal reaction. Is it completely necessary to feel that immediate punch in the gut for it be considered a healthy marriage? Yes, IMO. The lack of emotion would be a huge red flag to me. If it’s the latter, then it’s an entirely different discussion. It’s like asking, “Does the thought of a comet hitting the earth cause you to have an immediate visceral negative emotion?” ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/59 "2015-05-29T14:42:03Z")
How can one know how one would react in the actual situation, if the actual situation hasn’t occurred, other than by thinking about it as a hypothetical scenario? ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/60 "2015-05-29T15:40:15Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > How can one know how one would react in the actual situation, if the actual situation hasn’t occurred, other than by thinking about it as a hypothetical scenario? Are there any hypothetical scenarios that _do_ invoke that visceral response in you? ETA I mean, purely intellectual exercises, that have not happened, that cause that sort of reaction merely by thinking about it? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042.md?page=4)