# Your wife/husband/very-committed-SO is having sex with someone else. Your emotions? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 28, 2015, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042 "2015-05-28T13:39:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/81 "2015-05-29T22:04:49Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > It looks like we’re using the phrase in slightly different ways. > > Let’s not quibble over semantics. Here’s another way to look at it. You said that unless we eloped, you have no idea why I would say the promise was made in a heightened emotional state. > > That assumes that unless it is part of an elopement, no promise of sexual exclusivity is made in a heightened emotional state. > > But whatever the phrase “heightened emotional state” may mean, I’m surprised if you really think that. Do you? I am not speaking in generalizations here. Insofar as it pertains to _my_ life, yes, that is true. I really do think that. I’m not saying that I don’t think that anybody ever means what they say when they’re in a heightened emotional state, but I would not consider any promises made while in a heightened emotional state, and/or under duress, to be binding. I swear that I’m not _trying_ to “quibble over semantics.” I just don’t think that that phrase means the same thing to you that it does to me, and I don’t know how to bridge the gap in communication. Now, we were in a heightened emotional state _at our wedding_, but the wedding was not when we decided what sort of commitment we were going to make to each other, that’s just when we told everybody else what we’d already agreed on. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/82 "2015-05-29T22:08:55Z")
> [@Reluctant\_A](#): > > I am not speaking in generalizations here. Insofar as it pertains to _my_ life, yes, that is true. I really do think that. I’m not saying that I don’t think that anybody ever means what they say when they’re in a heightened emotional state, but I would not consider any promises made while in a heightened emotional state, and/or under duress, to be binding. I swear that I’m not _trying_ to “quibble over semantics.” I just don’t think that that phrase means the same thing to you that it does to me, and I don’t know how to bridge the gap in communication. I definitely didn’t think you were trying to quibble over semantics–I felt the urge uprising in myself and was attempting to divert myself into a better path! 😃 I’m really surprised you say that, to you, _unless an elopement is involved, no promise of sexual exclusivity is made in a heightened emotional state._ In other words, you are saying that _all promises of sexual exclusivity made in heightened emotional states are made during elopements_. > [@](#): > > Now, we were in a heightened emotional state _at our wedding_, but the wedding was not when we decided what sort of commitment we were going to make to each other, that’s just when we told everybody else what we’d already agreed on. It seems to me the promise is basically made at the proposal, and re-affirmed at the wedding. Does that seem accurate? ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/83 "2015-05-29T22:15:17Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Your spouse/very-committed-SO comes to you, and sits you down for a Very Serious Talk, saying, "I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I am very much in love with you, and absolutely dedicated to our relationship. You will always come first. But lately I have come to realize something. I want us to start having sex with other people. I think it would be very enjoyable, and please understand it would mean absolutely nothing to me concerning our love for each other. It’s just that I’ve realized I no longer see any reason not to explore, _other_ than the promises we made to each other back when we decided to get married/commit-to-each-other. > > “But of course those promises still stand, and it would be wrong of me to unilaterally break it. So, ultimately, the decision is one we make together. I will not do anything unilaterally.” Oh, you mean “Honey, let’s swing”. ---
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/84 "2015-05-29T22:16:00Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > That’s right–the OP was meant not to specify a situation in which there is any preexisting understanding as to polyamory etc. > > Here’s a different scenario, though. This one is meant to present a situation in which there is no hint of hiding or deception, indeed, in which “the deed” has not actually even been done. But the central element–the prospect of breaking the commitment to sexual exclusivity–remains. > > Your spouse/very-committed-SO comes to you, and sits you down for a Very Serious Talk, saying, "I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I am very much in love with you, and absolutely dedicated to our relationship. You will always come first. But lately I have come to realize something. I want us to start having sex with other people. I think it would be very enjoyable, and please understand it would mean absolutely nothing to me concerning our love for each other. It’s just that I’ve realized I no longer see any reason not to explore, _other_ than the promises we made to each other back when we decided to get married/commit-to-each-other. > > “But of course those promises still stand, and it would be wrong of me to unilaterally break it. So, ultimately, the decision is one we make together. I will not do anything unilaterally.” > > So your spouse tells you that. What do you think? What should you think? How do you feel about it, and why? How _should_ you feel about it? What feelings would it be appropriate to act out on? Etc! I can’t speak to what I “should” think, or how I “should” feel, but I can tell you that I can’t see anyway that relationship doesn’t end in divorce for me: I couldn’t live with myself if I felt that I was holding my wife back from being her best self, and I am way, way, _way_ too insecure to ever be able to accept an open relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/85 "2015-05-29T22:23:27Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Oh, you mean “Honey, let’s swing”. Can’t hear you, beard stroking too loudly. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/86 "2015-05-29T22:23:44Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > In other words, you are saying that _all promises of sexual exclusivity made in heightened emotional states are made during elopements_. Eh, sort of: insofar as I think that promises of sexual exclusivity are made in heightened emotional states at all, my sense of things is that it most likely happens during occurrences of elopements and/or very short engagements. But, I wouldn’t say it like that, because I feel like the way _you_ said it makes it sound like I think that such promises made under such conditions are a common occurrence, and I don’t. > [@](#): > > It seems to me the promise is basically made at the proposal, and re-affirmed at the wedding. Does that seem accurate? Not to me. If anything, I feel like such promises are made far in advance of even the proposal. I have no idea how common it is for such things to be agreed upon while either or both parties of a relationship are still in that “love glow” but, in my own (admittedly) anecdotal experience, it’s not common at all. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/87 "2015-05-29T22:24:52Z")
> [@Reluctant\_A](#): > > I can’t speak to what I “should” think, or how I “should” feel, but I can tell you that I can’t see anyway that relationship doesn’t end in divorce for me: I couldn’t live with myself if I felt that I was holding my wife back from being her best self, and I am way, way, _way_ too insecure to ever be able to accept an open relationship. This is a totally personal question I’m about to ask, I don’t assume you are obligated to answer it of course! What is it that you’re insecure about? That it’s a prelude to the end, or that someone will outperform you so to speak, or something else? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/88 "2015-05-29T22:41:26Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > It amazes me how women turn everything inward. It can’t be that he’s an asshole, or that he was momentarily overcome by lust. No, it must be something wrong with you. I’ve always suspected I was a bit of a chick, but I gotta agree with ' **mika**. A very strong part of me would seek to blame me. Maybe because I’d hate to think I could be blind to someone being that deceitful, maybe because I know I’m not perfect and instinctively believe bad things happen to those who deserve it (I might know better intellectually, but the shock of being cheated on kind of shuts down reason for a while). Frankly I am amazed at attitudes like the OP has. Not judging at all, but it’s just such a completely alien point of view. ---
**Author:** ![Nema98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d2c977/32.png) [@Nema98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nema98)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/89 "2015-05-29T22:59:32Z")
I would be jealous, but also hurt for that fact that I was not good enough for my woman, that she never told me she was unhappy, does not find me attractive, and a myriad of other reasons. To feel jealous does not make you a bad person, it is a normal reaction. Same as if a child was excluded from activities and gifts while their sibling was given gifts and taken places. The child would feel hurt, and who could blame them? ---
**Author:** ![Nema98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d2c977/32.png) [@Nema98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nema98)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/90 "2015-05-29T23:23:15Z")
We would be getting a divorce. Plain and simple. ---
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/91 "2015-05-29T23:29:04Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > What is it that you’re insecure about? That it’s a prelude to the end, or that someone will outperform you so to speak, or something else? Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2015, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/92 "2015-05-29T23:39:00Z")
I didn’t catch my ex in the act, so maybe that would have been different, but finding out he’d cheated didn’t bring any of the horror/pain reactions that some describe. I’ve never had a hang up about that part of the cheating. It was the knowledge that he’d cheated believing that it was an action that could cost him our relationship and that wasn’t enough to stop him that was the problem. He valued me so lightly that he gambled on losing me, so I left. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/93 "2015-05-30T01:44:24Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > That’s right–the OP was meant not to specify a situation in which there is any preexisting understanding as to polyamory etc. > > Here’s a different scenario, though. This one is meant to present a situation in which there is no hint of hiding or deception, indeed, in which “the deed” has not actually even been done. But the central element–the prospect of breaking the commitment to sexual exclusivity–remains. > > Your spouse/very-committed-SO comes to you, and sits you down for a Very Serious Talk, saying, "I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I am very much in love with you, and absolutely dedicated to our relationship. You will always come first. But lately I have come to realize something. I want us to start having sex with other people. I think it would be very enjoyable, and please understand it would mean absolutely nothing to me concerning our love for each other. It’s just that I’ve realized I no longer see any reason not to explore, _other_ than the promises we made to each other back when we decided to get married/commit-to-each-other. > > “But of course those promises still stand, and it would be wrong of me to unilaterally break it. So, ultimately, the decision is one we make together. I will not do anything unilaterally.” > > So your spouse tells you that. What do you think? What should you think? How do you feel about it, and why? How _should_ you feel about it? What feelings would it be appropriate to act out on? Etc! > > Fun stuff right? > > Myself, if this were to actually happen, my only concerns would be logistical. We’d have a “how to make it work” conversation rather than a "how could you do this to me’ conversation. In my gut, this seems like the _“right”_ reaction. > > What about you? If this Very Serious Talk came out of nowhere, I wold be confused. And frankly, upset. I would wonder how he came to this decision, what prompted it, how he felt about me, if he was bored… Etc! Random out of the blue announcement of wanting to have sex with others would be extremely distressing. There would be a succession of Additional Very Serious Talks, I imagine. If it grew organically, so to speak, as a development that both of us were open to exploring…well, that would be different. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/94 "2015-05-30T01:49:15Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Can’t hear you, beard stroking too loudly. 😛 I said chin, not neck. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/95 "2015-05-30T02:00:13Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Your spouse/very-committed-SO comes to you, and sits you down for a Very Serious Talk, saying, "I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I am very much in love with you, and absolutely dedicated to our relationship. You will always come first. But lately I have come to realize something. I want us to start having sex with other people. I think it would be very enjoyable, and please understand it would mean absolutely nothing to me concerning our love for each other. It’s just that I’ve realized I no longer see any reason not to explore, _other_ than the promises we made to each other back when we decided to get married/commit-to-each-other. > > “But of course those promises still stand, and it would be wrong of me to unilaterally break it. So, ultimately, the decision is one we make together. I will not do anything unilaterally.” > > So your spouse tells you that. What do you think? I would assume they were already involved with someone and they were telling me this because they were 1) tired of sneaking behind my back, 2) under the impression that I didn’t care enough our relationship to be bothered by this, or 3) stupid enough to think I wouldn’t see the truth for what it is. I would rather my spouse just admit that they didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and drop the whole “you’ll always be my number 1 girl” silliness. People who are accustomed to monogamy can’t typically handle sharing their partner with others without suffering. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/96 "2015-05-30T02:14:18Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > I said chin, not neck. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/6lg51dzWHJE/maxresdefault.jpg "Flight of the Conchords - Hurt feelings (Tears of a rapper)") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lg51dzWHJE) ---
**Author:** ![Why\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b782af/32.png) [@Why\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_Child)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/97 "2015-05-30T05:52:12Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > \ > > Your spouse/very-committed-SO comes to you, and sits you down for a Very Serious Talk, saying, "I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I am very much in love with you, and absolutely dedicated to our relationship. You will always come first. But lately I have come to realize something. I want us to start having sex with other people. I think it would be very enjoyable, and please understand it would mean absolutely nothing to me concerning our love for each other. It’s just that I’ve realized I no longer see any reason not to explore, _other_ than the promises we made to each other back when we decided to get married/commit-to-each-other. > > “But of course those promises still stand, and it would be wrong of me to unilaterally break it. So, ultimately, the decision is one we make together. I will not do anything unilaterally.”\ My current SO and I will have been in a committed relationship for seven years this October. It’s probably too long of a story to tell, so to make it short; he basically told me that I had to commit to him, or we were through. I loved him, and said yes, despite my misgivings. Three years ago, I had almost that same **Very Serious Talk** with him. Pretty much word for word. He works out of town for two to three weeks at a time, and I more or less wanted to operate on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of basis. I would not flaunt the guy in front of him. I would not even see the guy when he was home. I was met with not just a no, but a resounding “Hell no!!” Four days ago, I discovered that my “very committed SO” has been having sex with someone else for at least two years!! :mad: :mad: :mad: (He doesn’t know I know.) **What am I going to do about it?** I’m going to pretend that he said yes to that Very Serious Talk. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/98 "2015-05-30T12:55:51Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > You’re comparing apples to oranges. > > The OP is clearly about people who are in sexually exclusive relationships. That’s why people say that they’d feel not just jealousy, but shock and anger. Take away a monogamy understanding, and you’ve got a completely different set of expectations. And all of those expectation and reactions can be said without suggesting that people who aren’t monogamous are inhuman and lack empathy. > [@Frylock](#): > > It seems to me the promise is basically made at the proposal, and re-affirmed at the wedding. Does that seem accurate? No. > [@Reluctant\_A](#): > > Eh, sort of: insofar as I think that promises of sexual exclusivity are made in heightened emotional states at all, my sense of things is that it most likely happens during occurrences of elopements and/or very short engagements. I don’t agree. \*Every \*exclusive relationship I’ve been in (which is most of them) had that promise somewhere around the third date. That conversation usually begins, “so…are we, like, exclusive?” and usually ends in sex and giggles. Definitely still a time of heightened emotion and excessive oxytocin. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/99 "2015-05-30T13:51:47Z")
Forgive me for tossing some humor into this but here is what some upset wives did when they found about cheating husbands: [Trashed the guys boat](http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/Images/cheating.jpg) [Painted “Hope she was worth it” on his car](https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2615/3915106566_d7f7f0a631_z.jpg?zz=1) [Vandalized the other womans house](http://blog.relationshipsurgery.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/funniest_crazy_cool_pictures_of_revenge_cheater_20100318_2090413033.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2015, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042/100 "2015-05-30T14:01:11Z")
> [@Morgenstern](#): > > I’d pick up the phone, call the other “man’s” wife, while they were there, and ask her if she wanted to know what her husband was up to with my wife at this particular moment. The other man isn’t married. He’s her very single, very fit yoga instructor, who happens to be 15 years younger than you and your wife. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/your-wife-husband-very-committed-so-is-having-sex-with-someone-else-your-emotions/721042.md?page=6)