# You're a Dick With a Time Machine-what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 7, 2011, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653 "2011-06-07T19:50:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/1 "2011-06-07T19:50:35Z")
Me, I send a nice healthy stack of Downfall Youtube parodies to Hitler c. 1942, and then read about his death from a heart attack on that date in the history books. šŸ˜ƒ [Youtube took down the original Robot Chicken clip of the same name, or I would have linked to it] ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/2 "2011-06-07T19:55:17Z")
Oh good lord, the titleā€¦ Well, Iā€™m a hetero female, but if I were a time-travelling dick, I think Bridget Bardotā€™s shower would be a great place to start! ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/3 "2011-06-07T19:57:42Z")
Show a bunch of people that I can accurately predict the lottery and then refuse to give them winning numbers. Or make them debase themselves competitively only to give them numbers that win 10-15 dollars. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/4 "2011-06-07T20:07:35Z")
**Youā€™re a Dick With a Time Machine-what do you do?** Ooh, oohā€¦grassy knoll. Definitely would revisit that area LOTS. Would get lots of gigs if I could solve that one! ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/5 "2011-06-07T20:19:43Z")
I would arrange to be the one in charge of paying for the Alaska purchase. Then I would show up at the Russian governorā€™s house and dump a truckload of pennies on the floor, tell him ā€œHereā€™s 7.2 million dollars! Now count them.ā€ Or go back with an iPhone and, the day before the announcement of the first iPod, hold a news conference in Silicon Valley showing this little device I just built in my garage. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/6 "2011-06-07T20:20:20Z")
How big a dick are we talking about? The type that would tuck a few bibles into the carcasses of a few dinosaurs just to see the look on peoples faces where theyā€™re uncovered a few million years later? Or the type who might bring back a t-rex on set it loose in a kindergarten? ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/7 "2011-06-07T20:22:06Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > Show a bunch of people that I can accurately predict the lottery and then refuse to give them winning numbers. Or make them debase themselves competitively only to give them numbers that win 10-15 dollars. That gives me another idea. Every week during NFL season, send a letter to every major newspaper saying ā€œHere are the final scores of this weekā€™s games.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/8 "2011-06-07T20:37:07Z")
Iā€™d throw Leonardo DaVinci out of an airplane with a parachute strapped to his back. Letā€™s see him concentrate on the Mona Lisa now. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/9 "2011-06-08T01:07:55Z")
Iā€™d go back and hide your TV remoteā€¦and car keys! ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/10 "2011-06-08T01:20:52Z")
Iā€™d go back to the late Cretaceous and step on a butterfly. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/11 "2011-06-08T01:36:27Z")
> [@cmyk](#): > > Iā€™d go back to the late Cretaceous and step on a butterfly. what, you want that upon return weā€™d be in the middle of the Cheney/Rumsfeld administrationā€¦ and George W would be our leading linguist? Bravo. ---
**Author:** ![medicated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@medicated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medicated)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/12 "2011-06-08T01:44:50Z")
Iā€™d release a bunch of rabbits in the precambrian. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/13 "2011-06-08T02:04:26Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > Me, I send a nice healthy stack of Downfall Youtube parodies to Hitler c. 1942, and then read about his death from a heart attack on that date in the history books. šŸ˜ƒ See I was thinking of visiting Hitler too, except I wouldnā€™t try to kill him or stop him or anything like that. Instead, Iā€™d try to convince him to grow a chin strap beard instead of a short moustache (Iā€™m not sure how Iā€™d manage it but Iā€™m sure I could leverage my advanced technology and knowledge of the future somehow). Then Iā€™d go home and never have to see some fucking douchebag walking around with a chin strap ever again. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/14 "2011-06-08T02:05:47Z")
Leave Susan B. Anthony coins throughout all of time and space. ---
**Author:** ![davidm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/davidm/32/225_2.png) [@davidm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davidm)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/15 "2011-06-08T02:05:51Z")
Oh, I can think of all kinds of stuff. Plant a bunch of detailed, breathtakingly accurate, predictions in Nostradamusā€™ ramblings. Things that wouldnā€™t be changed by foreknowledge. Things like the exact time, date, size, and location of major earthquakes, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, etc. Then, after a long string of these accurate predictions that should convince anybody of his abilities, insert a false prediction of the end of the world. Plant a bunch of busted up 21st century tech at the site of the 1947 weather balloon crash at Roswell, New Mexico. Screw around with early Christianity so that Santa Claus (toys, red suit, ā€œho ho hoā€, belly, pipe, chimneys, elves, North Pole,reindeer , Rudolphā€™s red nose, etc.) and the Easter Bunny (baskets of candy, colored eggs, etc.) are actual Biblical canon. Maybe Iā€™d also add a bit about someoneā€™s grandma getting run over by a reindeer. Go to 1621 Plymouth and change the menu so that tofurkey becomes the centerpiece of a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. (I guess Iā€™d have to involve the Japanese somehow.) Call myself ā€œBozo-Land Vespucciā€ and take the place of Columbusā€™ navigator. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/16 "2011-06-08T02:06:28Z")
Iā€™d go back to 1983, join the first lineups for the new movie _[del]Revenge[/del] Return of the Jedi_, and casually say, ā€œOf course you know, Vader is Lukeā€™s fatherā€¦ā€ Repeat for as many other movies, albums, etc, as I can manage. ---
**Author:** ![davidm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/davidm/32/225_2.png) [@davidm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davidm)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/17 "2011-06-08T02:14:11Z")
Publish all of Steven Kings books a year ahead of him. ---
**Author:** ![medicated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@medicated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medicated)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/18 "2011-06-08T02:22:13Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Iā€™d go back to 1983, join the first lineups for the new movie _[del]Revenge[/del] Return of the Jedi_, and casually say, ā€œOf course you know, Vader is Lukeā€™s fatherā€¦ā€ > > Repeat for as many other movies, albums, etc, as I can manage. Wouldnā€™t they all have known that for three years already? ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/19 "2011-06-08T02:24:29Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Iā€™d go back to 1983, join the first lineups for the new movie _[del]Revenge[/del] Return of the Jedi_, and casually say, ā€œOf course you know, Vader is Lukeā€™s fatherā€¦ā€ > > Repeat for as many other movies, albums, etc, as I can manage. Of course they know it. They heard Vader say it in the previous movie, The Empire Strikes Back. Nah, Iā€™d take a 52" plasma screen and a copy of Episode III and show it to extreme fanboys a few days before ESB premiers. It would be the most awesome movie theyā€™d ever seen but it would totally spoil EVERYTHING. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/20 "2011-06-08T02:26:24Z")
Iā€™d sell use of my time travel machine to the highest bidder, once a week. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653.md?page=2)