# You're a Dick With a Time Machine-what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 7, 2011, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653 "2011-06-07T19:50:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/41 "2011-06-08T11:48:13Z")
Make and distribute free crystal sets to all the settlers in Kansas, Nebraska, the Dakotas, and wherever else circa 1880. Build a huge nuclear-powered transmitter on a cheap mountaintop to maximize coverage. Blast classic rock from the 1960s-1990s 24/7/365 for years. Translate a few of the nuttier Chick Tracts into whatever language Paul the Apostle read and give them to him. Similarly translate _Jesus Christ, Superstar_ or _Godspell_ (whichever’s weirder) and show it to him. Lead him to believe that _this_ is what Christianity is in the future. (Or, even better, kidnap Paul the Apostle right before his conversion experience and drop him off outside a gay bar. He should fit right in.) Hire someone to fly a plane and drop leaflets saying “LEE HARVEY LOVES JACK” on Dallas on November 21, 1963. Mail a copy of “Loose Change” and some other 9/11 Truther nonsense to the NSA and Osama bin Laden in September of 2000. Phone a tip to Woodward and Bernstein claiming G. Gordon Liddy is an operative of the Committee to Re-elect Checkers. Mail Fermat Wiles’ proof of his Last Theorem, suitably translated. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/42 "2011-06-08T13:51:44Z")
I’d tell everybody who shot J.R. right after the episode aired. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/43 "2011-06-08T14:04:20Z")
All those famous photos? The sailor kissing the nurse on VJ day? Nguyen Ngoc Loan shooting the VC sapper? The Yalta Conference? The guy stopping the tank in Tiananmen Square? In every iconic photo, I’d be there waving my privates at the camera. ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/44 "2011-06-08T14:47:46Z")
Take Tom Brady’s job as QB of the Pats and thus have my way with Giselle Bundgen as a bonus. ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/45 "2011-06-08T15:02:42Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > All those famous photos? The sailor kissing the nurse on VJ day? Nguyen Ngoc Loan shooting the VC sapper? The Yalta Conference? The guy stopping the tank in Tiananmen Square? In every iconic photo, I’d be there waving my privates at the camera. [check this out (video link)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8POhxcPQpg) ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/46 "2011-06-08T15:05:38Z")
I’d fuck up the election of President McGovern. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/47 "2011-06-08T15:09:45Z")
I’d go to Stonehenge, and topple most of the stones from their perfectly-aligned positions. Then I’d go to Pisa, Italy, and plant a small bomb under the Tower . . . just enough to tilt it a few degrees. Then I’d visit the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna, in 1907, and see to it that Hitler’s acceptance letter never gets delivered. ---
**Author:** ![Hogfather65](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7bcc69/32.png) [@Hogfather65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hogfather65)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/48 "2011-06-08T15:14:21Z")
> [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](#): > > [check this out (video link)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8POhxcPQpg) check out the historical pictures - you may just see me in the background… ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/49 "2011-06-08T15:18:59Z")
I’d move your cheese. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/50 "2011-06-08T15:26:03Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > Leave a large, laser engraved slab of stone that says FIRST!!!1!1 on the far side of the moon. In Russian. Incan petroglyphs. Take _THAT_, von Däniken! ---
**Author:** ![Hogfather65](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7bcc69/32.png) [@Hogfather65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hogfather65)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/51 "2011-06-08T15:39:57Z")
> [@Tranquilis](#): > > Incan petroglyphs. > > Take _THAT_, von Däniken! What you would have a slab on the moon with a band like that on it??? - surely a band like Queen, Rolling Stones or the Beatles - but not Take That!!! 🙂 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/52 "2011-06-08T15:43:04Z")
> [@medicated](#): > > I’d release a bunch of rabbits in the precambrian. > > 😃 I think that happened- but with squirrels… ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/53 "2011-06-08T15:50:36Z")
> [@Hogfather65](#): > > What you would have a slab on the moon with a band like that on it??? - surely a band like Queen, Rolling Stones or the Beatles - but not Take That!!! 🙂 🙂 OK. That’s _sooo_ meta… you win as ‘king Dick.’ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/54 "2011-06-08T16:09:53Z")
I’d identify all the greatest scientific, moral, artistic, and political leaders in the last two thousand years and dust their underwear liberally with itching powder. Daily. Fuck you, progress! ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/55 "2011-06-08T16:15:15Z")
Careful everyone, **John DiFool** is clearly the owner of a time machine and is looking for ways to be a dick 😉 However I will be glad to give you my trademarked list of ways to screw with the world if you’ll just deliver next weeks winning lotto numbers to me today. Once the prize money is in hand you will have the knowledge to be the dick you’ve always wanted to be. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/56 "2011-06-08T17:11:52Z")
I would go back in time 40 or 50 years and plant a huge number trees across many acres, and tend them periodically so when they grow up they spell out ‘Microsoft Outlook sucks!’ from above. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/57 "2011-06-08T17:17:53Z")
I’d take Judas out for a few drinks the night before the last supper and keep him drunk until Monday. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/58 "2011-06-08T17:47:10Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > I’d take Judas out for a few drinks the night before the last supper and keep him drunk until Monday. Maybe get him laid, too. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/59 "2011-06-08T17:49:29Z")
> [@Hogfather65](#): > > Me I would go back and get the USA to elect a complete dimwit to the Oval office - someone like _Barack Obama_… Ooooops - Me - no I dont own a Time machine - Honest. FTFY. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653/60 "2011-06-08T17:51:50Z")
I would go back and murder the parents of all the members of Journey. Just so I’d never have to hear “Don’t Stop Believing” EVER AGAIN! Of course there is nothing dickish about that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-a-dick-with-a-time-machine-what-do-you-do/584653.md?page=4)