# You're being held captive by a madman. What fictional detective do you want on the case? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 27, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558 "2010-04-27T20:34:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/41 "2010-04-27T23:36:27Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > John Taylor of the Nightside. With a whole week it’s unlikely he’ll fail, especially against a mere cannibalistic rapist; the people he fails with are generally those for whom it was already too late when he started. And unlike Encyclopedia Brown the bad guy probably won’t be in a position to come after me again in revenge. Also unlike Brown he’s unlikely to get eaten himself; it would be a shame to discover that the normal rules of kid’s lit don’t apply in this scenario by finding the bad guy gnawing on Brown’s thighbone. Plus Taylor’s way cooler. I like the way you think. Though your rescuers are likely to be more disturbing than the rapist cannibal murderer. Razor Eddie, I’m looking at you. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2010, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/42 "2010-04-27T23:45:38Z")
> [@Gangster\_Octopus](#): > > Anybody but Jack Bauer. He is very good at stopping bombsa nd torturing folks, but not so much at saving lives (well individually, he is quite adept at saving millions of people). Nah, Bauer would be perfect. You’ve got a week 'til you’re dinner. Jack solves everything in 24 hours. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/43 "2010-04-28T00:15:03Z")
> [@Giles](#): > > I’d definitely want the best of the best – Sherlock Holmes. Same here. . ---
**Author:** ![C.Montgomery\_Burns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecd19e/32.png) [@C.Montgomery\_Burns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C.Montgomery_Burns)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/44 "2010-04-28T00:19:06Z")
I tell you who I don’t want- Adrian Monk. He’d find me all right, but at the last second. He’d be accompanied by a competent police captain, but also a bumbling lieutenant who might or might not put me back in jeopardy somehow. Then I’d have to suffer the indignity of my captor being apprehended and possibly beaten up by Monk’s nurse/assistant. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/45 "2010-04-28T00:19:20Z")
I’d rather take my chances with the madman than be rescued by [Mike Hammer.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Hammer) ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/46 "2010-04-28T00:22:32Z")
My team would be Batman and Walker, Texas Ranger (Walker can bring his friends too) What, I have to explain why I want Walker on the team? He was played by a real cop! ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/47 "2010-04-28T00:25:28Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > I’d rather take my chances with the madman than be rescued by [Mike Hammer.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Hammer) Or [this Hammer](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090525/). ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/48 "2010-04-28T00:25:32Z")
> [@C.Montgomery\_Burns](#): > > I tell you who I don’t want- Adrian Monk. He’d find me all right, but at the last second. He’d be accompanied by a competent police captain, but also a bumbling lieutenant who might or might not put me back in jeopardy somehow. Then I’d have to suffer the indignity of my captor being apprehended and possibly beaten up by Monk’s nurse/assistant. Not only that, he’s bringing a police captain with a history of keeping people in his basement to torture, murder, eat and make clothes out of their skin. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/49 "2010-04-28T00:26:55Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > If a single detective only—James Bond, 007. Damned good record, that Bond. He finds things out, but he’s not exactly a detective. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/50 "2010-04-28T00:27:01Z")
> [@Sitnam](#): > > Or [this Hammer](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090525/). And especially not [this one](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NN3eBvZvUXk) ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/51 "2010-04-28T00:30:16Z")
I’m surprised no one’s mentioned Daryl Zero yet. His insight into human nature and computer skills beat Sherlock Holmes’s half-assed intuition and lucky guesses all to hell. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/52 "2010-04-28T00:36:33Z")
DCI Alan Banks. He’d find the killer, rescue me and take me out for a drink (much needed by then). See Peter Robinson’s series for more detail. Plus, I’m a sucker for an Edinburgh accent. If not him, DI Linley and his sidekick Barbara Havers–NOT the TV show (which I thought was awful), but the book versions of both of them. Golden Age sleuths: Miss Marple, Miss Silver or Alan Grant. Superhero: Superman or even Supergirl. ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/53 "2010-04-28T00:51:45Z")
Well, there’s always Honey West!!! [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/KPK_eZJLMtM/hqdefault.jpg "Honey West Open 1965 Anne Francis ABC") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPK_eZJLMtM) ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/54 "2010-04-28T00:54:06Z")
NYC detective April Woo and her partner Mike (series by Leslie Glass). I was just going to automatically say Spenser and Hawk, I have complete confidence in them because they follow through, often on their own dime! But if I’m in California, I would also have complete confidence in Elvis Cole and Pike. Pike is super-human. (I haven’t read much of Sherlock Holmes, but though I know he could find me, is he known for kicking butt against a dastardly villain? Or would he just alert the constables and let them free me?) ---
**Author:** ![Landshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/77aa72/32.png) [@Landshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Landshark)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/55 "2010-04-28T00:58:49Z")
The detectives from Ed McBain’s 87th Precinct novels. ---
**Author:** ![Baal\_Houtham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baal_houtham/32/13604_2.png) [@Baal\_Houtham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baal_Houtham)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/56 "2010-04-28T01:32:58Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > O Let’s just say that the madman plans to torture, rape, murder, and eat you, not necessarily in that order, but that there’s someone ahead of you on the menu and it’ll a week before it’s your turn in the grinder. It sounds like my captor is a fusion of Hannibal Lector, Buffalo Bill and someone else (who’s into torture and rape.) I think it calls for Sherlock Holmes, since Lector is a Moriarity-level adversary. Unlike a some detectives (Columbo, frinstance) Holmes doesn’t need to talk to the suspect and try to trick him into making a mistake. Holmes can show at my home, examine the floor and deduce where I’ve been taken. I’m no expert on Holmes, but maybe he never lost a physical battle against any opponent… is that right? ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/57 "2010-04-28T01:44:44Z")
Peter Wimsey, Bunter, & Charles Parker, backed up by Inspector Sugg. Then we all go and get drunk afterward. ---
**Author:** ![drillrod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@drillrod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drillrod)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/58 "2010-04-28T01:50:01Z")
My first hope is that CURE decides I need saving for the good of the nation. I know that Remo Williams and Chiun will find me and leave a trail of bodies in their wake. ---
**Author:** ![GythaOgg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/49beb7/32.png) [@GythaOgg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GythaOgg)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/59 "2010-04-28T02:38:52Z")
Not technically detectives, but I’d want The A Team. No one EVER gets seriously injured when they’re on the job, no matter how many guns and explosions are in play. And their success rate is pretty good… ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/60 "2010-04-28T03:09:01Z")
I think I’m going to have to go with Charlie’s Angels. They’re smart, they kick butt, and they look good doing it. Plus, afterwards I can hang out with them nursing me back to health. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=4)