# You're being held captive by a madman. What fictional detective do you want on the case? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 27, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558 "2010-04-27T20:34:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/61 "2010-04-28T03:16:26Z")
George Frankly and Kate Monday I will get rescued and learn something too! ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/62 "2010-04-28T03:31:29Z")
> [@lee](#): > > George Frankly and Kate Monday > I will get rescued and learn something too! Ah, MathNET. How I miss you… ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/63 "2010-04-28T04:03:54Z")
My top choice would be Bill Pronzini’s Nameless Detective. Tough and a real bulldog on the scent. Plus he has experience both at rescuing a kidnap victim and at being kidnapped himself. Spenser also has a proven track record. Hawk would have to be available too if there’s a time constraint. Travis McGee would be good, but there’d have to be some cash reward in it for him too. I left off Elvis Cole and Pike, because they’re imaginary characters based on Spenser and Hawk. ---
**Author:** ![luv2draw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@luv2draw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luv2draw)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/64 "2010-04-28T04:06:20Z")
I want Michael Weston from Burn Notice to come and get me. He’s clever, one step ahead of the bad guys and has cool sidekicks. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/65 "2010-04-28T04:06:39Z")
Sean and Gus from _Psych_ might get me killed, but it would be **so** worth it just for the experience! ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/66 "2010-04-28T04:11:28Z")
Nobody here reads Jonathon Kellerman? Are you in for a treat! I’ll choose his Alex Delaware. The man knows all the quirky villains. ---
**Author:** ![In\_Winnipeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a8b319/32.png) [@In\_Winnipeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Winnipeg)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/67 "2010-04-28T06:17:28Z")
Definitely Mike Hammer. Not only would he rescue me, but he’d kill the bad guys in an extremely graphic fashion. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/68 "2010-04-28T06:41:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Once I would have written a long set-up. I’m too lazy now, though. Let’s just say that the madman plans to torture, rape, murder, and eat you, not necessarily in that order, but that there’s someone ahead of you on the menu and it’ll a week before it’s your turn in the grinder. What detective (or detective team) do you want on the case–not merely to find you, but also to rescue you? Inquisitor Orelius and his team\*, going by the exact opposite reasoning other people are using. Rather than picking a small fish from a small pond, I’m going with someone who would _obliterate_ any adversary that would be found on Earth. \*++CENSORED BY THE INQUISITION++ ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/69 "2010-04-28T08:23:17Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > My top choice would be Bill Pronzini’s Nameless Detective. Tough and a real bulldog on the scent. Plus he has experience both at rescuing a kidnap victim and at being kidnapped himself. > > \. I’d take Nameless if paired with Marcia Muller’s Sharon McCone. They’re pretty good at solving crime together. Arly Hanks from Joan Hess’ Maggody series. If she can find and rescue somebody stashed in an outhouse in backwoods Arkansas, all the while dealing with the inbred Buchanan clan, and have Ruby Bee serve you a fried chicken dinner, a piece of pie and a cold beer afterward, she’s the one I want looking for me. ---
**Author:** ![footballisplayedwithyourfeet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9f8e36/32.png) [@footballisplayedwithyourfeet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/footballisplayedwithyourfeet)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/70 "2010-04-28T08:40:23Z")
The scooby gang; Willow does a locator spell, buffy comes in to do the saving and Bob’s your uncle 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/71 "2010-04-28T09:44:10Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Holmes & Watson. > Or > Batman & Robin. > > If a single detective only—James Bond, 007. Damned good record, that Bond. > [@BrainGlutton](#): > > He finds things out, but he’s not exactly a detective. The skills of a spy & a detective overlap. And Bond is very good at hostage rescue. My only reason to worry would be if the crazed psycho was a _Hot Supermodel Crazed Psycho™_. Then, I’m doomed. ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/72 "2010-04-28T10:52:01Z")
Detective Chimp ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/73 "2010-04-28T10:55:03Z")
> [@footballisplayedwithyourfeet](#): > > The scooby gang; Willow does a locator spell, buffy comes in to do the saving and Bob’s your uncle 🙂 Willow cannot be trusted. That’s what “Willow Rosenberg” means. Her winsomeess does not change her essential evil. The fact that it’s suppressed and generally unacknowledged only makes it worse; it comes out almost randomly. I’d rather have Team Angel (Angel, pre-ascension Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn, and the lovely Winifred Burkle) hunting for me. Angel’s got as much darkness in him as Willow, but at least he admits it and guards against it. My answer changes if for some reason Willow has to rescue me in the nude. Though even then I’d rather Fred. ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/74 "2010-04-28T11:00:19Z")
Jack Reacher. Ex-military police, lots of contacts, fearless and smart, to boot. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/75 "2010-04-28T11:54:03Z")
Not Nero Wolfe. If time was of the essence, his legendary sloth and unwillingness to work would be a major pitfall, even with Archie constantly tricking him into work. His personal sense of honor would make sure that eventually he’d catch the criminal, but that wouldn’t do me much good after I was eaten. And not even his polysyllabic pronouncements about the inappropriateness of eating me (and the poor way I was prepared) would make up for it. I think I’d have to go with Holmes, too. Assuming he’d been brought up to date on the State of the World in 2010. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/76 "2010-04-28T12:00:46Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > Not Nero Wolfe. If time was of the essence, his legendary sloth and unwillingness to work would be a major pitfall, even with Archie constantly tricking him into work. > > His personal sense of honor would make sure that eventually he’d catch the criminal, but that wouldn’t do me much good after I was eaten. > > And not even his polysyllabic pronouncements about the inappropriateness of eating me (and the poor way I was prepared) would make up for it. Not to mention that (to the best of my recall) every case he takes is a murder. I don’t want to qualify for his detectory attentions, thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/77 "2010-04-28T12:40:07Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > Encyclopedia Brown. No one ever gets tortured, raped, murdered and/or eaten in an Encyclopedia Brown story. Clearly, you haven’t read the Encyclopedia Brown slash/snuff fan ficiton. 😉 I’m going to pick the A-Team. They never, ever, lose anyone, even in the climactic battle in which thousands of rounds of ammunition are fired, at least one car does the rolling jump, and Mr. T says, “I pity da foo!” at least half a dozen times. Never mind that an actual United States Army Special Forces Operational Detachment-Alpha “A-Team” is actually two six-man groups, led by a captain or at most a major and otherwise comprised of warrant officers and sergeants, generally doesn’t have a need for a helicopter pilot in their TOE, and would probably be smarter than to run around Southern California in the most ostentatiously decorated vehicle since Starchky and Hutch and wear twenty pounds of bling and a mohawk haircut. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/78 "2010-04-28T13:11:33Z")
But dude, they’re special! That’s why they’re called THE A-Team. 'Sides, if you throw Amy and Frankie into the mix, that does at least bring their number up to six. (Tawnia was never an official part of the team.) So you’d have sorta kinda have half of an A-Team right there. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/79 "2010-04-28T13:14:21Z")
Incidentally, I am absolutely baffled by the lack of votes for Bob, Pete, and Jupe. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/80 "2010-04-28T13:47:31Z")
Philip Marlowe or The Continental Op. Great success rates and reasonably violent. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=5)