# You're being held captive by a madman. What fictional detective do you want on the case? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 27, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558 "2010-04-27T20:34:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/101 "2010-04-28T19:13:22Z")
Batman. Because I don’t just want the kidnapper _caught_. I want someone who is going to kick the living _shit_ out of the kidnapper before turning him over to the police. ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/102 "2010-04-28T21:37:18Z")
I’ve got it: Sherlock Holmes to lead the investigation to find where I am in time. Batman to lead the rescue party to kick the shit out of the kidnapper. Charlie’s Angel’s to lead the recuperation party. All of them. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/103 "2010-04-28T22:02:13Z")
> [@ivan\_astikov](#): > > Jack Reacher. Ex-military police, lots of contacts, fearless and smart, to boot. Oh, without a doubt. I can’t believe it took 74 posts to get there. ---
**Author:** ![3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/47e85d/32.png) [@3\_20\_59\_or\_bust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3_20_59_or_bust)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/104 "2010-04-28T22:16:37Z")
Dammit Ivan, I wanted to say Reacher! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/105 "2010-04-28T22:17:52Z")
WAIT! Doc Savage, Man of Bronze. > **[Doc Savage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doc_Savage)** > > Doc Savage is a fictional character of the competent man hero type, who first appeared in American pulp magazines during the 1930s and 1940s. Real name Clark Savage Jr., he is a polymathic scientist, explorer, detective, and warrior who "rights wrongs and punishes evildoers." He was created by publisher Henry W. Ralston and editor John L. Nanovic at Street & Smith Publications, with additional material contributed by the series' main writer, Lester Dent. Doc Savage stories were published under th... Smart as Holmes, as “prepared” as Batman, gadgets better than Bond, a staff of pros better than the Continental Op (each, individually, I mean), and amazing as a detective. And he owns his own zeppelin! Every detective needs a zeppelin! ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/106 "2010-04-28T22:20:47Z")
Dr. Tony Hill from _Wire in the Blood_. He specializes in this sort of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/107 "2010-04-28T22:21:23Z")
> [@Paranoid\_Randroid](#): > > Emerson Cod. The previous murder would kick off their investigation, presumably, and if I died before resolution then Ned would bring me back to life for questioning. And I would run like hell. (Hopefully I’d be at least partially intact. Individuals in that universe don’t seem to suffer much from damage incurred during the process of death and afterward.) The problem with your plan is that you don’t know about Ned’s powers, if you’re a native of his world. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/108 "2010-04-28T22:58:40Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > WAIT! > > Doc Savage, Man of Bronze. > [Doc Savage - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doc_Savage) > > Smart as Holmes, as “prepared” as Batman, gadgets better than Bond, a staff of pros better than the Continental Op (each, individually, I mean), and amazing as a detective. > > And he owns his own zeppelin! Every detective needs a zeppelin! Ahem. Post#26: > [@Oakminster](#): > > I think a better question would be who is going to protect the madman from me, as I’m going to object pretty strongly to being kidnapped, murdered, tortured, raped, and eaten. > > However, playing along under the rules as given, I choose Doc Savage and his assistants. I suspect I’d probably get along better with Monk that I would with Ham, but so be it. And if Pat(ricia) Savage is involved…chicka chicka bow…OW…damn…sorry Pat… > 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/109 "2010-04-28T23:02:09Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Ahem. Post#26: Oak, I figured when you came back to the thread, it would be to threaten me for slandering the villainous Willow Rosenberg. I’m glad to see you’ve come around and I can have her neutralized without any interference from your quarter. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/110 "2010-04-28T23:04:57Z")
> [@mo50](#): > > Fish, the Abe Vigoda character from Barney Miller 🙂 Yeah, but only in the brownie episode! ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/111 "2010-04-28T23:11:06Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Oak, I figured when you came back to the thread, it would be to threaten me for slandering the villainous Willow Rosenberg. I’m glad to see you’ve come around and I can have her neutralized without any interference from your quarter. Nah. I’d strongly prefer you not do that, particularly as it remains theoretically possible that she could be kinky for middle-aged semi-druidic atheist lawyers, but she has ample defenses of her own. I’d prolly want to watch the fight. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2010, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/112 "2010-04-28T23:26:28Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Nah. I’d strongly prefer you not do that, particularly as it remains theoretically possible that she could be kinky for middle-aged semi-druidic atheist lawyers, but she has ample defenses of her own. I’d prolly want to watch the fight. I’m not going to fight her myself. That would be stupid. I’ll be sending Gwen Tennyson, Kim Possible, and Xena after her. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/113 "2010-04-29T00:06:55Z")
Lucas Davenport of the **Prey** series. He does whatever it takes to get info out of people, and if he decides the world would be a better place without someone he kills them. If Davenport can’t save me in time, at least I know he’ll avenge me. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/114 "2010-04-29T01:04:51Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I’m not going to fight her myself. That would be stupid. I’ll be sending Gwen Tennyson, Kim Possible, and Xena after her. OK, now I’ll pay to watch the fight. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/115 "2010-04-29T01:16:18Z")
Dirk Gently. He’ll see the interconnectedness of all things, and somehow wrangle an ancient god to rescue me and smite someone, or perhaps talk a forgetful time traveler into coming to my rescue by warning me before I’m even abducted. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/116 "2010-04-29T01:41:19Z")
> [@ExTank](#): > > Dirk Gently. He’ll see the interconnectedness of all things, and somehow wrangle an ancient god to rescue me and smite someone, or perhaps talk a forgetful time traveler into coming to my rescue by warning me before I’m even abducted. Did you forget that his first client in _The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul_ was beheaded because Dirk couldn’t bother to get out of bed on time? I wouldn’t trust Dirk Gently to watch my pet snake. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/117 "2010-04-29T02:00:10Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Did you forget that his first client in _The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul_ was beheaded because Dirk couldn’t bother to get out of bed on time? I wouldn’t trust Dirk Gently to watch my pet snake. > > Stranger That’s because the client told him he had to be there at 0-dark-30 to save him from a green-furred (or was it a furry, green-eyed?) monster waving a scythe about and muttering about contractual obligations. So he didn’t take him seriously. Thought he was a nutter. Totally understandable. I, on the other hand, would simply tell him someone’s trying to kill me. Perfectly plausible; murders happen all the time. Hell, you can’t leaf through the Metro section of the morning paper without seeing at least a half-dozen of them. Plus, willing diligience and engaged curiosity is provided by simply supplying a large pizza, and veiled hints of “disturbing, importunate signs” of impending trouble through some semi-mystic medium, and he’s all over it. For extra motivation, just toss in some scorn for the police, as in, “Mr. Gently, if I simply wanted a chalk outline drawn about my corpse, and all the proper forms filled out in triplicate, then the police would be at the very top of my list of people to call, but since I have higher expectations than a coroner’s slab and bureaucratic indifference, I have placed my trust, and, you’ll note, a sizeable wad of cash, into your capable hands. I want to know why this serial killer has chosen me; what’s our connection? How does it all tie together?” ---
**Author:** ![Paranoid\_Randroid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paranoid_randroid/32/18_2.png) [@Paranoid\_Randroid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paranoid_Randroid)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/118 "2010-04-29T02:15:07Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > The problem with your plan is that you don’t know about Ned’s powers, if you’re a native of his world. Ah, well, sure. But who would know that Encyclopedia Brown lives by kids-book rules or that Sherlock Holmes never loses a pugilistic encounter? Or that Willow Rosenburg and Harry Dresden have magical powers? &c. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![audit1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@audit1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/audit1)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/119 "2010-04-29T03:36:35Z")
> [@Landshark](#): > > The detectives from Ed McBain’s 87th Precinct novels. Well there was one case where Carella did not arrive in time. I.d go with Joe Friday. Not only would he rescue me and catch the bad guy but Iwould be certain that trial would be held in a court in Los Angeles. And after the commercial break I would know the results of that trial. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/120 "2010-04-29T05:58:02Z")
Three pages and no one has mentioned the most hard-boiled of shamuses, Sam Spade. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=7)