# You're being held captive by a madman. What fictional detective do you want on the case? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 27, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558 "2010-04-27T20:34:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/121 "2010-04-29T10:31:26Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Three pages and no one has mentioned the most hard-boiled of shamuses, Sam Spade. That’s because dead bodies pile up around Sam faster than unpaid bills do. The _idea_ is to come out _alive_. ---
**Author:** ![Landshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/77aa72/32.png) [@Landshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Landshark)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/122 "2010-04-29T10:39:15Z")
> [@audit1](#): > > Well there was one case where Carella did not arrive in time. Hmmm, now that you mention it, I am recalling that in at least some of the 87th Precinct novels I’ve read, after the initial murder at the start of the story, there was at least one more before Carella or one of the other detectives would catch the killer. Withdrawing that nomination. (Still the best police procedural novels I’ve read, though.) ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/123 "2010-04-29T14:57:50Z")
Either Batman or Gil Grissom. Unless my kidnapper is a dominatrix–then I’m doomed. But what a way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/124 "2010-04-29T20:12:41Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > OK, now I’ll pay to watch the fight. Even though KP gets killed in the first five seconds, and Gwen about a minute after that? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/125 "2010-04-29T20:19:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Even though KP gets killed in the first five seconds, and Gwen about a minute after that? Yup. That leaves Willow vs Xena…and the winner is…the fans! 🙂 Besides, it remains theoretically possible that one or both women is kinky for middle aged semi-druidic atheist lawyers…or will get hit in the head and forget that they are not kinky that way…or something. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/126 "2010-04-29T20:27:29Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Yup. That leaves Willow vs Xena…and the winner is…the fans! 🙂 > > Besides, it remains theoretically possible that one or both women is kinky for middle aged semi-druidic atheist lawyers…or will get hit in the head and forget that they are not kinky that way…or something. I suppose you could try to convince Xena (who is obviously going to win, as that is what “Xena” means) that you are the reincarnation of Gabrielle. She’d overlook the penis in that case, I think. Admittedly she would probably kill you when she found on the truth, but it’s not like boinking Xena is especially safe even if you ARE Gabrielle. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/127 "2010-04-29T20:38:43Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I suppose you could try to convince Xena (who is obviously going to win, as that is what “Xena” means) that you are the reincarnation of Gabrielle. She’d overlook the penis in that case, I think. Admittedly she would probably kill you when she found on the truth, but it’s not like boinking Xena is especially safe even if you ARE Gabrielle. This is true, but boinking Xena is safer than boinking Gabrielle and getting caught by Xena. Also, if things look grim, I’ll start singing _All Along the Watchtower_ to activate Xenabot, then convince her I’m Saul Tigh. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/128 "2010-04-29T20:54:27Z")
I’d want Scooby and gang on the case. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/129 "2010-04-29T21:56:27Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > This is true, but boinking Xena is safer than boinking Gabrielle and getting caught by Xena. You could always hide behind Gaby–no, that wouldn’t work. That would just get you both killed. Begging for mercy will just make it worse, as jealousy moves Xena into Murderous Bitch mode. You only option is to invite her in and hope she believes it was arranged for her pleasure. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/130 "2010-04-29T22:12:52Z")
The Doctor. Okay, he’s not _really_ a detective, but he’s the smartest being in the universe, almost always travels with a hot female companion, and has the hands-down coolest ride in the 'verse. If limited to terrestrial shamuses, then Father Brown. Sherlock Holmes/Temperance Brennan/the CSI guys read dirt and bloodstains; the Padre reads people. ---
**Author:** ![Icerigger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icerigger/32/432_2.png) [@Icerigger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icerigger)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/131 "2010-04-29T23:13:13Z")
I almost forgot **Dixon Hill**. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/132 "2010-04-29T23:19:37Z")
> [@Icerigger](#): > > I almost forgot **Dixon Hill**. I dunno, what if he flips out like the one time where he gunned down an entire club?😃 (sidenote, evidently he’s a character outside of Star Trek too… neat!) ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/133 "2010-04-30T01:39:57Z")
> [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](#): > > The Doctor. Okay, he’s not _really_ a detective, but he’s the smartest being in the universe, almost always travels with a hot female companion, and has the hands-down coolest ride in the 'verse. Nah, the Doctor rarely deals with anything less than the fate of a world; quite often the fate of entire species, galaxies, the whole universe from time to time and at least once the entirety of creation. His very presence is more often than not a sign that the shit is about to hit the fan. He means well but he has bigger things to deal with than the life of one human. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/134 "2010-04-30T04:07:24Z")
> [@MegaBee](#): > > Detective Chimp Seconded. Or possibly The Question, because Jeff Combs has the best detective voice ever. (Marvel doesn’t really have any top detectives, do they?) Failing them, [Detective John Jones](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martian_Manhunter). Or for a really nasty punishment for the baddie, Jim Corrigan. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/135 "2010-04-30T08:18:44Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > Encyclopedia Brown. No one ever gets tortured, raped, murdered and/or eaten in an Encyclopedia Brown story. Following the same logic, I would like Enid Blyton’s Secret Seven, Famous Five or Five Find Outers on the case. This is a case which even boarding school students can solve and tackle. How much of a danger could the madman really be? (Hopefully). ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/136 "2010-04-30T08:27:34Z")
Frank Drebin is my man on the job. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/137 "2010-04-30T08:30:37Z")
> [@Love\_Rhombus](#): > > Seconded. Or possibly The Question, because Jeff Combs has the best detective voice ever. (Marvel doesn’t really have any top detectives, do they?) Billed as such, no. But both Peter Parker and Matt Murdock have some skills in the area–Matt in particular. Hell, I’d even count Wolverine in that group, and not simply because of his enchanced senses. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/138 "2010-04-30T17:04:25Z")
> [@Sitnam](#): > > Or [this Hammer](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090525/). Hey! A bit more respect, please; he knows what he’s doing! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/139 "2010-04-30T17:22:42Z")
**Slow Moving Vehicle** said: > [@](#): > > The Doctor. Okay, he’s not _really_ a detective, but he’s the smartest being in the universe, almost always travels with a hot female companion, and has the hands-down coolest ride in the 'verse. No, even if he brings Martha Jones. I mean, typically several people have to die before The Doctor unleashes his badness and gets the bad guys. Think “The Library”. I don’t want to be one of those sacrificial types. **Oakminster** said: > [@](#): > > middle aged semi-druidic atheist lawyers… Isn’t that a bit oxymoronic? What’s a semi-druidic atheist? ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558/140 "2010-05-01T01:06:38Z")
I’m changing my vote to Nancy Drew. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-being-held-captive-by-a-madman-what-fictional-detective-do-you-want-on-the-case/537558.md?page=8)