# You're in the DCU, trapped & broke. Whose secret ID do you sell to the tabloids? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 27, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238 "2010-07-27T21:59:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/41 "2010-07-28T20:30:53Z")
The thing you need to remember here is that you’re in a comic book universe. That means that the universe doesn’t work on normal causality. It works on narrative causality. Which means that events happen according to whether or not they’d make a good story. “A man from another universe blackmails Batman with his secret identity, gets ten million dollars, and is never heard from again,” isn’t a good story. So you’re virtually guaranteed to get kidnapped by a villain at some point, because that’s what the plot requires. Doesn’t matter how careful you are. The Joker’s going to overhear you talking to Bruce Wayne over the phone. Or Two Face is going to stumble over the meeting between you and Batman. Or Scarecrow’s going to unleash a cloud of fear gas over the city as you’re walking away with your suitcase full of money. And this is going to happen no matter what you do. “A man from another dimension who knows everything about all the superheroes in the world,” is too good a plot hook for the universe to pass up. Sooner or later, you’re going to end up tied to a chair. Your only real hope here is to control what role you have in the story. First of all, there’s no point in keeping your story to yourself. Someone is going to find out, somehow. All this does is relegate you to the role of McGuffin. And you don’t want that - McGuffins are too disposable. You’ll be dead by page two, once Sinestro has sucked all the information he needs out of your brain. So go ahead and contact a superhero ASAP. Second, whatever you do, don’t try to blackmail a superhero. Not because the superhero might kill you - as others have pointed out, Batman isn’t going to kill you no matter what, so you’re safe from him. What you aren’t safe from is, again, narrative causality. In the comic book universe, bad guys always lose. And if you’re blackmailing Superman, you’re a bad guy. If you’re lucky, Superman’s just going to outwit you and put you in prison. What would be even worse would be getting away with it. Because if the superhero doesn’t bring you to justice, then you’re pretty much guaranteed some sort of hideous karmic death. Your best hope is to play everything on the up and up. Get ahold of Superman (or Clark Kent, at least) and tell him you know the secrets of all the superheroes in the world, and that you want to return home before someone uses your knowledge for evil. Then wait around until Brainiac kidnaps you, because that’s going to happen no matter what you do - “Traveller from another dimension returns home without incident,” doesn’t make a very good story, either. But if you make it clear that you’re trying to do the right thing, and are mostly worried that your knowledge could hurt someone else… well, that makes you a good guy. And while that doesn’t guarantee survival, it gives you much better odds at survival than any other path. Especially if Superman is your contact in the comicverse, because Superman comics tend towards happy endings. Stay away from Batman at all costs. If nothing else, you can’t take the risk that you’ll get the one written by Frank Miller, at which point you’re pretty much irrevocably fucked. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/42 "2010-07-28T21:42:45Z")
Working with the superheroes rather than against them is definitely the way to go, as **Miller** so eloquently explains. I was thinking at first, like **E-Sabbath** , that the Oracle, as a professional information-dealer, would be the best bet, but on thinking about it, Superman would both be a lot easier and a lot safer, since he works as a reporter. It wouldn’t really raise any eyebrows to say that I have a big story I want to share with Clark Kent, nor that I want to be in private before I reveal any details. And then, of course, once we’re in private, he’s a nice enough guy that he won’t kill me, imprison me, beat me up, or otherwise incapacitate me the moment I get as far as “I know who you are”, but will let me explain that I don’t bear him any ill will. If he decides that it’s not really down his alley, then he has enough connections that he can bring in an information specialist like Oracle if needed. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/43 "2010-07-28T22:14:19Z")
I’d just go to Bruce Wayne, & politely ask him for a hellp, & honest job, instead. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/44 "2010-07-28T22:57:16Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > What would be even worse would be getting away with it. Because if the superhero doesn’t bring you to justice, then you’re pretty much guaranteed some sort of hideous karmic death. Well you _might_ become a reoccurring minor villain, but you’d probably need a better schtick. And then you might still just get killed for cheap shock value during a big story arc. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/45 "2010-07-28T23:04:48Z")
Not Batman, Oracle or Superman. Go to Power Girl. Sure Clark’d be nice and sympathetic, but that’s all he could be - he’d have to call in other people to do everything necessary to get you settled. He does have the advantage of being the easiest to get hold of of almost anyone in the DCU, of course. Oracle - she’s hard to contact (she’s more of a ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you’ person for first contact), and if you just wander into the Batcave (or wherever she’s headquartered when you end up there)…that’s a good way to get your ass kicked - you’re not Joker, you’re not Savant and Creote, you’re just someone breaking into her headquarters, and that means you’re about to have your ass handed to you by a chick in a wheelchair. So it’d be easier to approach someone more accessible, and let them contact Oracle for any mojo she can provide. Batman…is a jerk. He’d help you…but he’d make it clear he considers you dangerous, and spend the whole time working out if he’ll have to do anything special to kill you. Power Girl is more…blunt than Clark, but far more pleasant than Bruce, and easier to get a hold of. And, she’s another multiversal refugee, so there’s the sympathy. She might need to contact Oracle or Batman to get you all legal, but she’d be nicer about it than Bruce, and a job in Starrware is as good as a job in Wayne Enterprises (unless the current storyarc turns out worse than I’m expecting) - better, even, as it puts you in New York, not Gotham. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/46 "2010-07-28T23:14:35Z")
Come to think, what’s the status of Jimmy Olsen’s signal watch? Does he still have it, and is it a secret that he has it? ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2010, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/47 "2010-07-28T23:15:03Z")
And hey. Boobs. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/48 "2010-07-29T01:05:48Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > Wolverine. > > How could that possibly work? He has claws. Also, he heals really fast. And shit. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/49 "2010-07-29T02:16:13Z")
> [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > > > Wolverine. > > > > How could that possibly work? > > He has claws. Also, he heals really fast. And shit. He doesn’t live in the DCU. He doesn’t have tons of money. He doesn’t have a secret identity in any real sense. And even if you revealed to him that he was born James Howlett, I can’t imagine any tabloid in the Marvel U caring enough to do more than stand you for a cup of coffee. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/50 "2010-07-29T03:08:18Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > He doesn’t live in the DCU. He doesn’t have tons of money. He doesn’t have a secret identity in any real sense. And even if you revealed to him that he was born James Howlett, I can’t imagine any tabloid in the Marvel U caring enough to do more than stand you for a cup of coffee. On the other hand, once Marvel pushes the reset button on Wolverine’s amnesia, you might be able to get a couple of beers out of by telling him who he really is again. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/51 "2010-07-29T03:46:33Z")
The Flash has the most experience with parallel universes, can go there himself by vibrating really fast, and he’s actually BEEN to Earth Prime. I’m just saying… ---
**Author:** ![Bakhesh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Bakhesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bakhesh)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/52 "2010-07-29T11:48:42Z")
Anyone read marvel 1985? > **[Marvel 1985](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvel_1985)** > > Marvel 1985 (written on the cover as simply 1985) is a six-issue American comic book limited series, published in 2008 by Marvel Comics. It was written by Mark Millar and illustrated by Tommy Lee Edwards. The comic's premise is that heroes and villains from the Marvel Universe show up in the real world, thanks to a malevolent mutant boy with reality warping powers. > Issue 1 > A boy named Toby Goodman recently started reading Secret Wars comics. His parents are divorced, he is ostracized by his cla... Sort of similar to this, where a kid from the real world finds his home town invaded my fictional marvel villains, and has to travel to the marvel universe to get help. The avengers and FF won’t listen to him, so he goes to the bugle and demands to speak to Peter Parker. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/53 "2010-07-29T16:23:28Z")
> [@Tengu](#): > > Batman…is a jerk. He’d help you…but he’d make it clear he considers you dangerous, and spend the whole time working out if he’ll have to do anything special to kill you. _Bruce Wayne_ is a jerk. I think his elder son/ward/former sidekick/erstwhile catamite, Dick Grayson, is currently Batman, and he’s much less of an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/54 "2010-07-29T16:25:20Z")
> [@Captain\_Amazing](#): > > The Flash has the most experience with parallel universes, can go there himself by vibrating really fast, and he’s actually BEEN to Earth Prime. I’m just saying… Well, yeah. Supes is probably easier to get in contact with, though. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/55 "2010-07-29T17:29:29Z")
“Yes, Daily Planet? I’d like to speak with Mr. Kent. I have a story for him that even he’ll find hard to believe…” ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/56 "2010-07-29T17:42:55Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > > > > > Wolverine. > > > > > > How could that possibly work? > > > > He has claws. Also, he heals really fast. And shit. > > He doesn’t live in the DCU. He doesn’t have tons of money. He doesn’t have a secret identity in any real sense. And even if you revealed to him that he was born James Howlett, I can’t imagine any tabloid in the Marvel U caring enough to do more than stand you for a cup of coffee. Well, he just moved. Recently. Who’s James Howlett? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/57 "2010-07-29T18:45:04Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Captain\_Amazing](#): > > > > The Flash has the most experience with parallel universes, can go there himself by vibrating really fast, and he’s actually BEEN to Earth Prime. I’m just saying… > > Well, yeah. Supes is probably easier to get in contact with, though. “Barry Allen”, Central City would probably get you a phone number on [411.com](http://411.com). ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/58 "2010-07-29T18:57:54Z")
Barry might be busy, so you can leave a message with Iris. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/59 "2010-07-29T20:22:31Z")
> [@Bakhesh](#): > > Anyone read marvel 1985? > > [Marvel 1985 - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvel_1985) > > Sort of similar to this, where a kid from the real world finds his home town invaded my fictional marvel villains, and has to travel to the marvel universe to get help. The avengers and FF won’t listen to him, so he goes to the bugle and demands to speak to Peter Parker. Funny; although I couldn’t help thinking that if fictional villians showed up in our universe, within 12 hours of the authorities realizing they were real, all the non-invulnerable villians would be dead. I mean c’mon: the Vulture? \. The Lizard? \ The Red Skull? \. The reason there are no super heros OR villians in our universe is because of two subtle differences in the laws of Nature: people die when shot through the head, and they stay dead. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238/60 "2010-07-29T20:32:34Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > _Bruce Wayne_ is a jerk. I think his elder son/ward/former sidekick/erstwhile catamite, Dick Grayson, is currently Batman, and he’s much less of an asshole. Yeah, but Dick’s not going to be Batman for much longer. And even he’s being kind of a jerk in the cowl - not as bad as Bruce…mostly. But ask Harley if Dick’s significantly less of a jerk than Bruce was. (… Actually, I think Dick treated her _worse_ than Bruce ever did…) Or ask Barbara if Bruce hasn’t rubbed off on him. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-in-the-dcu-trapped-broke-whose-secret-id-do-you-sell-to-the-tabloids/548238.md?page=4)