# You're SO in Denial about how controlling your husband is! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 23, 2009, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310 "2009-12-23T10:30:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2009, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/61 "2009-12-27T23:23:35Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > I’ve told my wife that she’s free to use me as an excuse to get out of whatever invitation she doesn’t feel like accepting—but now I wonder if her friends think _I’m_ some kind of controlling ogre. > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I told the future-wifey that she could tell her friends that I decided on the size of the bridal party, for when she had to tell the ones who didn’t make it in.\ What the fuck is wrong with your women that they need to use you as an excuse? How is it that grown women can get away with that shit? What’s wrong with your wife learning how to be a grown up and say, “Thanks, I’d love to join you but I can’t” or “Sorry, but RNATB and I decided to limit our bridal party to only X bridesmaids.” Sorry about the vitriol. Women who can’t say no, women who can’t make a decision, women who act like children, and women who believe they need a man to use as an excuse are big peeves of mine…in case you didn’t notice. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Pyper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pyper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pyper)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/62 "2009-12-28T01:57:06Z")
> [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](#): > > I’d be venting about someone and she’d take some weird leap of reasoning and assume that b/c I said so and so wasn’t a good speller that I thought everyone who wasn’t gifted in spelling wasn’t exactly bright, and just totally and compleatly meltdown … The irony. It burns. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/63 "2009-12-28T02:37:59Z")
You know, I can imagine a reason why she might have a meltdown over _you_ sneering at someone else for their spelling… I’m with the others who say she doesn’t want you as a friend. All those things you describe in the OP are exactly the things I do to people who want to be my friend more than I want to be theirs: kept at arm’s length, vague agreement that we should get together sometime combined with never being available when they propose something, no invitation to my big life events, and certainly no room if they are going to be in town and ask to stay with me. If one of those people who I keep excluded from my life went to my mother and told her my (theoretical) husband was being controlling and keeping us apart, I would be less than impressed. If you’re not in her life, you don’t know anything. Speculation from third parties is not good enough. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/64 "2009-12-28T14:31:14Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > What does “redicious” mean? Ridiculous and Delicious? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/65 "2009-12-28T14:37:08Z")
> [@Ruby](#): > > What the fuck is wrong with your women that they need to use you as an excuse? How is it that grown women can get away with that shit? What’s wrong with your wife learning how to be a grown up and say, “Thanks, I’d love to join you but I can’t” or “Sorry, but RNATB and I decided to limit our bridal party to only X bridesmaids.” It’s not that there’s anything wrong with _them_. Or, at least, not with mine, although she does have a problem saying no. It’s that she has two really good friends and a bunch of others who are roughly equal on the friend-o-meter, and some of them would be offended to be left out. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/66 "2009-12-28T21:04:21Z")
> [@Ruby](#): > > What the fuck is wrong with your women that they need to use you as an excuse? How is it that grown women can get away with that shit? What’s wrong with your wife learning how to be a grown up and say, “Thanks, I’d love to join you but I can’t” or “Sorry, but RNATB and I decided to limit our bridal party to only X bridesmaids.” > > Sorry about the vitriol. Women who can’t say no, women who can’t make a decision, women who act like children, and women who believe they need a man to use as an excuse are big peeves of mine…in case you didn’t notice. 😉 When I was looking for a car (for me), I’d go test drive cars and then tell them that I had to discuss it with my husband and stroll off the lot without being pestered. Sometimes it’s just easier than getting in a screaming fight with someone over why you aren’t doing something that’s none of their business anyway (and I wasn’t lying - I _did_ have to discuss something as large as buying a car with my husband, but if I found the car I wanted, we’d go back together and look at it). ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/67 "2009-12-28T21:47:48Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > Ridiculous and Delicious? I don’t know about **asweirdasyoucanget** , but ridiculous and delicious is certainly _my_ favorite kind of woman. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/68 "2009-12-28T21:51:15Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > When I was looking for a car (for me), I’d go test drive cars and then tell them that I had to discuss it with my husband and stroll off the lot without being pestered. Sometimes it’s just easier than getting in a screaming fight with someone over why you aren’t doing something that’s none of their business anyway (and I wasn’t lying - I _did_ have to discuss something as large as buying a car with my husband, but if I found the car I wanted, we’d go back together and look at it). Yeah, I have to admit that I don’t even have a husband and I’ve done that. Also, once when I had a guy over to repair the dishwasher, I apologized for the huge mess in my house and he said, “Oh, I know it’s tough when you have kids” and I said, “Oh, you know it!” even though I, um, don’t have kids. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2009, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/69 "2009-12-28T23:27:31Z")
While I’ve encouraged my SO to use ‘the old ball and chain’ as an excuse to get out of things, and I’ve used him the same way, I’ve also seen friends (female and gay males) get sequestered by their abusers. It’s pretty much standard to get cut off from your friends and family, unless the abuser is a well-seasoned, two-faced charmer. Though even then they likely won’t let the abused person get too much alone time or have private calls and emails. And it is frustrating as hell to see someone completely change, to be told by a close friend that they don’t want to see you or don’t have time or have to break plans, because you can end up coming off as a bit crazy by accusing them of being controlled by someone else. Even if it’s true. And if the OP knows for a fact (or as much as someone else’s relationship can be ‘a fact’) that your friend is in an unhealthy relationship, even if it’s not physically abusive, all they can do is swear they’ll be there if/when their friend needs to talk. And then let it go. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/70 "2009-12-29T05:16:39Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > What does “redicious” mean? > [@Nobody](#): > > It means that a typo occurred. redicious ridiculous Well, three typos, minimum. ---
**Author:** ![JFLuvly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac91a4/32.png) [@JFLuvly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JFLuvly)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/71 "2009-12-29T05:26:46Z")
Is it wrong that I laughed my way through this? ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/72 "2009-12-29T14:16:04Z")
Yeah, I did lose my best friend of more than a decade because she took up with some guy who “thinks you’re a bad influence.” Frankly, if that’s what’s happening there’s nothing at all you can do. That doesn’t make the OP less hilarious, just pointing out that it does happen and people do end up controlled by significant others. Telling them that even if your friends are Satan’s children any guy who forbids you to see them is obviously an asshole doesn’t work. I always knew she was weak, but _that_ weak? Really? In a place where she had a huge support system? Sometimes you just have to let it go. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/73 "2009-12-29T14:43:25Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > Ridiculous and Delicious? Like a cake - in the shape of a clown! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/74 "2009-12-29T20:38:34Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > Like a cake - in the shape of a clown! Is it a…scary cake? ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/75 "2009-12-29T21:43:54Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Is it a…scary cake? Dude! It’s in the shape of a friggin’ clown! Of \*course \*it’s a scary cake! ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2009, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/76 "2009-12-29T21:50:56Z")
> [@Turek](#): > > Dude! It’s in the shape of a friggin’ clown! Of \*course \*it’s a scary cake! [Happy Birthday, Bobby!](http://media.photobucket.com/image/scary%20clown%20cake/dontbewillful/clowncake2.jpg?t=1192458737) ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2009, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/77 "2009-12-30T00:36:29Z")
> [@Turek](#): > > Dude! It’s in the shape of a friggin’ clown! Of \*course \*it’s a scary cake! Just as I suspected. [Happy Birthday, Jessica! I hope you like your clowns dead!](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/SdFqU2LqnPI/AAAAAAAACVk/4vLTBvhoKxE/s400/Jessica+E+clown+cake.jpg) (Do the people making these cakes not see them the way we do?) ---
**Author:** ![horsetech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dec6dc/32.png) [@horsetech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/horsetech)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2009, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/78 "2009-12-30T01:26:59Z")
That’s not just a scary clown, that’s the fucking Clown Mafia! ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2009, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/79 "2009-12-30T04:55:54Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Just as I suspected. > > [Happy Birthday, Jessica! I hope you like your clowns dead!](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/SdFqU2LqnPI/AAAAAAAACVk/4vLTBvhoKxE/s400/Jessica+E+clown+cake.jpg) (Do the people making these cakes not see them the way we do?) Can’t sleep … cake’ll eat me Can’t sleep … cake’ll eat me Can’t sleep … cake’ll eat me Can’t sleep … cake’ll eat me ---
**Author:** ![St.Anger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@St.Anger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/St.Anger)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310/80 "2009-12-30T19:48:42Z")
If anyone bought me a birthday cake like that I’d stab it with a knife and then stab the person. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-so-in-denial-about-how-controlling-your-husband-is/522310.md?page=5)