# "You're such a good person for dating someone in a wheelchair." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 5, 2017, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857 "2017-04-05T23:41:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/41 "2017-04-06T11:30:03Z")
**Ambivalid** , have you ever dated a disabled person? ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/42 "2017-04-06T11:57:05Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > When I think “dating a guy in a wheelchair,” I think of Bobbi Harlow making out wih Cutter John while sitting on his lap. Yowza! (Yeah, Bloom County was a big thing when I was at an impressionable age.) Heh. This thread reminds me of the PVP strip where Brent complains about Reggie (who is blind) dating Miranda (who is incredibly attractive) on the grounds that blind people should only date the ugly people sighted people are turned off by. Presumably there are people who think that people with disabilities should only date other people with disabilities and leave the abled people for us. As always, this ignores the consideration that consenting adults should be able to date whomever they want and everyone else can fuck off. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/43 "2017-04-06T12:37:49Z")
“You’re such a good person for dating someone in a wheelchair.” I believe the appropriate response to this is, “Anyone who dates you must be a \*\*really \*\*good person because you’re so FUCKING STUPID!” :rolleyes: My late husband was disabled, often in a wheelchair and ultimately with a below-the-knee prosthesis. I often got the “Oh, I couldn’t do what you do,” bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/44 "2017-04-06T13:43:46Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > There’s probably a lot of that in people’s perceptions. In 1983, in order to get official sanction to get married (and presumably add a dependent to the Navy’s rolls), I had to have an interview with the base chaplain. **kaylasmom** being blind came up (I don’t really remember how), and Captain Chaplain smiled broadly and said, “That’s great!” Maybe it’s Navy Chaplains. Maybe you and I happend to have the same one. Or something… Let’s just say “Not Impressed.” ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/45 "2017-04-06T13:46:26Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Or did I just get whooshed? 🙂 Introducing the “Alot:” > **[The Alot is Better Than You at Everything](http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html)** > > As a grammatically conscientious person who frequents internet forums and YouTube, I have found it necessary to develop a few coping mechani... ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/46 "2017-04-06T14:01:18Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I didn’t date/live with/marry him because he was disabled (although more than once over 30 years I was accused of having a fetish or a martyr syndrome of some sort). The disability was an annoyance, occasionally something we had to work around, but we were together because we were two people who loved each other and had quite a few interests in common. Most of the time we never thought about the disability. What accommodations were required were just part of the background of life. PREACH! I met Suzanne playing paintball - she nailed me from ambush. Later in the day, I spotted her in another ambush position and hosed her position down. I think what made the initial connection is that I wasn’t competing with an invalid, I was competing with a skilled opponent. Was I all clued-in and competent in having a relationship with her and her injury? Oh, _hells_ no! But we worked at it - and I learned a lot. There’s a certain amount of basic respect you have to have to be _willing_ to work at it. I might never have seen past her chair if she hadn’t been a dead-eye shot, and been willing to gracefully accept the retun fire. But she was, and she did, and we had two (mostly) good years together. Her injury and her chair were just logistical facts to be handled. We had a lot of fun. If there was any sainthood in that relationship, it was all hers - She put up with and patiently corrected my ignorance. Plus, I’m often a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/47 "2017-04-06T14:04:13Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > So - tell me, have you had the experience yet where someone (almost invariably female in my experience) pulls you aside, glances to make sure your SO isn’t in earshot, and whispers **“Dearie… what’s _wrong_ with him?”** > > Well, “dearie”, if you can’t bring yourself to ask him in a normal voice you don’t deserve to know and I ain’t going to speak for him on that. Go ahead and ask him. He won’t be offended, really. And if you’re too uncomfortable doing that… that’s YOUR problem, not ours. It’s not that they’re uncomfortable, it’s just that disabled people are unable to hear (_does she want another Diet Pepsi?_). Everybody knows that. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/48 "2017-04-06T14:07:15Z")
People are weird. When I was at Gallaudet, most of my friends, were, naturally, Deaf. If someone in the general public found out I was hearing, they assumed two things: 1) I was somehow “in charge,” and 2) wasn’t I wonderful? This isn’t the place to go into how much I got from the Deaf community, but let’s just say I can never give back enough. I wasn’t wonderful; I was having a great time, and I wasn’t in charge. I hated that, and my Deaf friends weren’t crazy about it, so sometimes in places like restaurants, instead of having me interpret everyone’s order, we all just wrote them down, or pointed to the menu. Let the waiter assume I’m Deaf, so I won’t constantly be asked “Does anyone want a refill?” and handed a check with everyone’s tab on it, not separated, at the end. Oddly, if the waiter thought we were all Deaf, we got separate checks. It’s embarrassing to me to be told that I am wonderful for having Deaf friends (or any of my disabled friends-- I have friends in wheelchairs, Deaf-blind friends, a friend who is just blind, a couple of friends with CP who are Deaf, and one who isn’t). I used to get mad and give a whole lecture to people. Now I just say “You could be wonderful too. It’s not hard.” It usually goes over their heads, but a few people realize that what they said was stupid, and slink away. FTR: never dated a person in a wheelchair, but had a close friend whom people assumed I was dating a lot, and did date a Deaf guy. Oh, almost forgot. My husband has burn scars on his face. I honestly don’t see them anymore after 16 years of marriage, but I have on a couple of occasions been told I’m “wonderful” for overlooking them in the first place, and going out with him. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Corry\_El](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Corry\_El](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corry_El)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/49 "2017-04-06T14:19:05Z")
> [@igor\_frankensteen](#): > > I find that everyone is actually subject to this kind of thing. You just aren’t as aware of some of the many prejudices that are afoot, and certainly not as sensitive about them. > > Remember, not being in the top one percent “attractiveness” range is actually considered to be a handicap by most people, in one way or another. Whenever anyone dates and marries anyone who isn’t in their identical subgroup, the same kind of chatter takes place. When I dated a girl from a much richer family than mine, I had to put up with “appreciations” and “compliments” to the effect that she must be exceptionally understanding about my being so limited financially. Or that I was obviously a really clever guy, for having fooled her in to going with me. Wow, that drew a triple response! But I see your general theme is right, doesn’t depend on your having the experience to be ‘worthy’ to respond and isn’t accusing anyone else of flying into a rage, IMO. IME people in general people, some of them of them a lot or somewhat, some of them less but in general, have some need to put down other people/situations, and it often comes out in their ‘theories’ of what makes a couple work. There are just floating conventions of what’s too far over the line. For example face to face nowadays you don’t generally hear the ‘theory’ of what makes a particular interracial pairing work (this kind of woman does/doesn’t want that other race man because X, Y, Z) but on the internet still often. And I don’t just mean crude racist sexual stereotypes but more ‘sophisticated’ social observations by arm chair social critics, which everybody seems to be at times on the web. I do have some experience with that. But other such commentary (looks, money, perhaps disabilities still to some degree) is ‘allowed’. Anyway it’s something many people just want to do, especially if there’s any element of the couple’s life they envy. Of course the totality of a given disability (a description of conditions varying all over the map itself) isn’t to be compared to either looks or race overall, but here the topic IMO includes the kind of assumptions people make about couples, I don’t think it has to be limited to just the OP example. OTOH one of the more hilarious episodes of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” dealt with Larry’s feeling of self congratulation in dating eventually two different wheelchair bound women at the same time. Like a lot of good comedy that was poking fun at a potential reality also. You don’t have to a total true romantic in your analysis of why anyone dates anyone, that’s not necessarily an accurate picture of the world either. ---
**Author:** ![That\_Don\_Guy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/that_don_guy/32/538_2.png) [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/50 "2017-04-06T19:33:36Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > The OP title has been said to virtually every single girl I’ve dated (not in my presence of course). And I’d be offended, if it wasn’t just so laughably fucking stupid. Why do people think this? Is it the belief that disabled life is just so thoroughly horrible and unliveable that any able-bodied person who willingly committed themselves to live in such a sub-par existence must be doing so out of compassion and a desire to make the disabled person able to feel even a modicum of happiness in life? Probably not so much that, as, “You’re a good person in that you’re not one of those jerks that wouldn’t date him for no other reason than he’s in a wheelchair.” ---
**Author:** ![JcWoman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jcwoman/32/2889_2.png) [@JcWoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JcWoman)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/51 "2017-04-06T20:12:50Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > Now I just say “You could be wonderful too. It’s not hard.” It usually goes over their heads, but a few people realize that what they said was stupid, and slink away. I think that’s a brilliant response! I have a variation of Ambivalid’s complaint: I’ve had juvenile rheumatoid arthritis since infancy. It hasn’t prevented me from growing up into a fully-functional adult who gets around without assistance, but I do have some wacky scars on my feet. Left ankle is fused and looks way weird and kind of club-like. My right ankle was replaced and looks pretty normal except for a long scar. These things are mostly hidden under clothing, but I occasionally do clothing-optional activities. Like a few years ago my husband and I did a nude river rafting trip down the Colorado river. (So awesome, we’re doing it again this year!) About halfway through the ten-day trip our trip-mates started telling me how awesome I was, how strong I was, how amazing I was. And when I played it down like “meh, it’s all just ordinary life”, they seemed to think I was even more of a super hero for being so modest. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/52 "2017-04-06T20:33:32Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > **Ambivalid** , have you ever dated a disabled person? Yes I have. Why do you ask? ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/53 "2017-04-06T21:44:13Z")
On a side note. I go to alot of events for special needs children. About 1 in 10 of the kids are in a wheelchair or on crutches. Most of the others, its something like down syndrome, autism, blind, deaf, or some other issue. BUT, guess who all the workers want to be around? Guess who the organizers want in the pictures? Yep, its the kid in the wheelchair! Very frustrating. Check out almost any advertisement [(like this one for the National sports Center for the Disabled](http://nscd.org/program/ability-clinics/?season=ability)) for any disabled group and you almost always see this cute kid in a wheelchair. I have made a point to talk to their parents and warn them to NOT sign off to allow their kids picture to be used in an advertisement without talking to them first. It’s not right that their kids picture gets put on some fundraising brochure, they earn a million dollars off it, but the kid gets nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/54 "2017-04-06T21:46:25Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Yes I have. Why do you ask? I was getting the sense that you wouldn’t date a disabled person, which would make your OP seem rather ironic. I’m glad that’s not the case though. And I apologize for being suspect. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/55 "2017-04-06T22:20:19Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I was getting the sense that you wouldn’t date a disabled person, which would make your OP seem rather ironic. > > I’m glad that’s not the case though. And I apologize for being suspect. What gave you that sense, specifically. Because I’m the LAST person to reject based on disability alone. What IS ironic, however, is the tendency (generally speaking) for the most prejudiced people towards a disabled person in the context of dating/marriage to be fellow disabled people. I have lots of theories about this but that is another thread. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/56 "2017-04-06T23:12:33Z")
> [@Corry\_El](#): > > Wow, that drew a triple response! But I see your general theme is right, doesn’t depend on your having the experience to be ‘worthy’ to respond and isn’t accusing anyone else of flying into a rage, IMO. He did indeed imply that I was bothered by this issue enough to liken it to rage. He did this by comparing his experiences that caused rage in HIM. Why would the issue of rage come up in this thread? And I didn’t ask him about his personal experiences with disabled people in order to deem or not deem him worthy to respond. It was because his responses gave the impression that he’s not had much experience in that area. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/57 "2017-04-06T23:23:46Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > What gave you that sense, specifically. I don’t know. I was just in a cranky mood I guess. Again, I apologize. :o ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2017, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/58 "2017-04-06T23:29:13Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I don’t know. I was just in a cranky mood I guess. Again, I apologize. :o No worries! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2017, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/59 "2017-04-07T22:39:03Z")
Your thread title is disgusting, but it reminded me of similar things people have said to my husband and I for our choice to adopt, and also to my husband for marrying me, because being married to a frequently depressed person is also grounds for sainthood, apparently. So I think there is some truth to the statement that people have all kinds of fucked up prejudices (which we are of course entitled to be pissed off about… or not pissed off, in your case.) It sounds like you don’t buy into it one bit, which is good, because sometimes I do buy into the idea that my husband is particularly noble for loving me, and it doesn’t help when society reinforces that notion. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > What gave you that sense, specifically. Because I’m the LAST person to reject based on disability alone. What IS ironic, however, is the tendency (generally speaking) for the most prejudiced people towards a disabled person in the context of dating/marriage to be fellow disabled people. I have lots of theories about this but that is another thread. That is… fascinating. Being not myself physically disabled, or close to anyone who is, I can only make a rough comparison to mental health problems that are severe enough to impede everyday functioning. And I recently was asking myself if, god forbid, something happened to my husband, could I hook up with someone with problems like mine? I felt there were some legitimate reasons to avoid partnering with someone with chronic mental health problems. I wonder if there is a similar sort of thing going on in the case of physically disabled people thinking about partnering with other physically disabled people. But ultimately I decided it would just depend on context (could the person hold down a job? could we afford the combined medical expenses?) and I can’t begin to guess at what sort of different contexts might come up for someone with a physical disability. I guess my question would be, do you see this hesitation as related to practical concerns (money, everyday functioning) or to some sort of deep-seated, maybe even self-hating prejudice? At any rate, it would be an interesting ‘‘other thread.’’ ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2017, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857/60 "2017-04-07T22:53:29Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > Your thread title is disgusting, but it reminded me of similar things people have said to my husband and I for our choice to adopt, and also to my husband for marrying me, because being married to a frequently depressed person is also grounds for sainthood, apparently. So I think there is some truth to the statement that people have all kinds of fucked up prejudices (which we are of course entitled to be pissed off about… or not pissed off, in your case.) It sounds like you don’t buy into it one bit, which is good, because sometimes I do buy into the idea that my husband is particularly noble for loving me, and it doesn’t help when society reinforces that notion. > That is… fascinating. Being not myself physically disabled, or close to anyone who is, I can only make a rough comparison to mental health problems that are severe enough to impede everyday functioning. And I recently was asking myself if, god forbid, something happened to my husband, could I hook up with someone with problems like mine? I felt there were some legitimate reasons to avoid partnering with someone with chronic mental health problems. I wonder if there is a similar sort of thing going on in the case of physically disabled people thinking about partnering with other physically disabled people. But ultimately I decided it would just depend on context (could the person hold down a job? could we afford the combined medical expenses?) and I can’t begin to guess at what sort of different contexts might come up for someone with a physical disability. > > I guess my question would be, do you see this hesitation as related to practical concerns (money, everyday functioning) or to some sort of deep-seated, maybe even self-hating prejudice? At any rate, it would be an interesting ‘‘other thread.’’ I’d like to start a new thread about this subject. And I agree, it is fascinating. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-such-a-good-person-for-dating-someone-in-a-wheelchair/783857.md?page=2)