# You're trapped in the Star Trek universe. What do you do now? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 19, 2010, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653 "2010-04-19T18:48:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/81 "2010-04-20T10:37:33Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > One of the comedians at the end of the movie Trekkies touched on this. He suggested that the fourteen-year-old Wesley Crusher might have locked himself into one 24x7 (with a virtual Counselor Troi perhaps). So yes, I’d be curious how the much access the average citizen of Earth has to a holosuite. And more seriously, I’d be curious how well they get along given that all of one’s basic needs are taken care of by replicators and there’s no need for money. In one episode Barcley did this with a virtual Troi, ‘the empathic goddess’… Can’t believe I’m the first to suggest holo-hookers. “Computer, load program ‘Orion Slave Girls Gone Wild.’ Seal doors.” ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/82 "2010-04-20T10:39:49Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > … wait. I can eat and fuck as much as I want and it only takes a doctor five minutes and virtually no resources to cure me of the consequences? > > Well, then it’s easy. I’d eat and fuck as much as I want. Is anything like this actually established in canon, or are you just making assumptions about the applications of Star Trek medical technology? 😉 > [@FordTaurusSHO94](#): > > It would be interesting to see if Spock was able to achieve unification after the Romulans and Picard worked together to defeat Shinzon. Before Romulus was destroyed and Spock was blamed, of course… (bitter) Now, here is where things get complicated. In the star trek timeline that I’ve been dumped in, was Vulcan destroyed by red matter in Kirk’s era? Because if so, then very little of what we know of TNG and later history is likely to be unchanged by the ripple effect. And if I start in the original timeline, is it just going to suddenly one day change around on me?? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/83 "2010-04-20T10:43:05Z")
> [@chrisk](#): > > Is anything like this actually established in canon, or are you just making assumptions about the applications of Star Trek medical technology? 😉 Making assumptions from what I was told in the OP. He says that you’d have all your weight/cholesterol/blood pressure problems zapped away in a minute. ---
**Author:** ![Grey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Grey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grey)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/84 "2010-04-20T12:48:00Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > My WAG about this is, they seem to like to do things the old-fashioned way most of the time (like going to school) but that doesn’t mean they don’t have really advanced learning technologies. I figure if someone important authorized it, they could pump some learning-enhancing drugs into your brain, boost your IQ and cram at least a K-12 education into you in a fairly short period of time. Having it done might disqualify you from Starfleet or something, though Heck they took Uhura from kindergarten to Starfleet capable in the course of a single episode. I, at least, can do math. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9de0a6/32.png) [@Electric\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Sky)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/85 "2010-04-20T14:16:50Z")
I’d have to go join Starfleet, or else my ten-year-old self would hunt me down and kill me. ---
**Author:** ![Aghris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecccb3/32.png) [@Aghris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aghris)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/86 "2010-04-20T14:34:52Z")
Simce apparently homosexuality is weeded out in the 23rd century, I think I’d just kill myself. Or lock myself in a holosuite and spend the rest of my virtual life with Enver Gjokaj. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/87 "2010-04-20T14:50:22Z")
> [@Aghris](#): > > Simce apparently homosexuality is weeded out in the 23rd century, I think I’d just kill myself. Or lock myself in a holosuite and spend the rest of my virtual life with Enver Gjokaj. There was supposed to be a gay officer in the Star Trek: Let’s Get Them Borg movie, but they toned it down and launched him into space on the deflector dish anyway. ---
**Author:** ![This\_Just\_In\_2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@This\_Just\_In\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/This_Just_In_2)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/88 "2010-04-20T15:02:59Z")
I’d look into becoming a military strategist for the Federation. I’d lobby for the use of: a. robotic away teams for scouting/special missions b. implement mandate whereby the captain and important officers always stay on the ship unless it is a previously determined safe area for them to be b. small automated fighters that detach in great numbers from the starships and can attack/launch torpedos while the starship maintains heavy fire c. installing cloaking devices on all military ships (isn’t that old tech?) ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/89 "2010-04-20T15:15:57Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > A quantum subspace interstitial anomaly sucks you out of your chair and into the _Star Trek_ universe: TNG continuity, shortly after the Dominion War ends. You’re lucky enough to arrive in Earth rather than the Klingon homeworld. A couple of Starfleet officers happen to be around when you fall through the hole in space, and as they are used to weird crap, they’re willing to help you out. Examining your quark vibrational rate or whatever, they verify that you’re a human from an alternate reality; unfortunately, they cannot return you to your proper place in the multiverse, as you don’t know the subspace signature of you world as you do not have a degree in technobabble, and there’s like 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 possibiliities. While the magic Federation docs take a few minutes out of their schedule to cure you of your high blood pressure, diabetes, lung cancer, and any other ailments you have upon arrival, nobody here can get you home. > > What do you do? Since these scientists apparently know, in principle, how to travel to alternative realities, I would: 1. Go back to school, learn as much as I can about the relevant science (so what if I’m middle-aged, Federation medicine keeps you vigorous until senescence and money is never a problem). 2. Do some cross-time exploring for cutting-edge military tech. 3. Find a Mirror-Universe branch where the Terran Empire still survives. 4. Go there and become Caesar. ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/90 "2010-04-20T16:01:55Z")
> [@This\_Just\_In\_2](#): > > c. installing cloaking devices on all military ships (isn’t that old tech?) Technically, an idiot negotiator for the Federation signed a ridiculous treaty that allowed everyone except the Federation to have a cloaking device in exchange for no noticeable military advantage what-so-ever. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/91 "2010-04-20T16:34:12Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > I’d head straight to Sisko’s dad’s restaurant and peel shrimp in exchange for gumbo! This is pretty close to what I would do. I work as a baker, so learning about new food trends, and otherworldly ingredients probably, would be right up my alley. Read a lot of history, maybe have a chance to do “historical” interviews, maybe eventually write fiction. Historical fiction set in my own time might be cool. Nobody has mentioned religion yet. I’d be curious to look up my own denomination, if it still existed as such, (I’m Episcopal), or find whatever is closest to it. And studying the history of how other faiths had developed would be neat! Likely there’d be some new stuff out there too. ---
**Author:** ![dotchan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@dotchan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dotchan)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/92 "2010-04-20T16:59:15Z")
All I’d need is a replicator and a holosuite and I’d be happy. I wouldn’t even care if whatever holonovels I end up writing aren’t publishable for whatever reason. (Space? Who wants to go there? It alternates between Dull as Fuck and Dangerous to Your Life and/or Sanity. :P) ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/93 "2010-04-20T17:22:55Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Making assumptions from what I was told in the OP. He says that you’d have all your weight/cholesterol/blood pressure problems zapped away in a minute. Well, I think I said _moment_. But given that McCoy, a hundred years earlier, was able to cure kidney disease in under thirty seconds, curing somebody of all of today’s diseases sounds like something the TNG-era version of Perry Cox would make the TNG-era version of Eliot Reid do because he was annoyed at her for interrupting his stories and wanted to keep her occupied for the rest of the afternoon. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/94 "2010-04-20T17:31:19Z")
That universe has a desperate need for fashion deisgn. I would became famous throughout the universe for reintroducing denim. I would use Klingons in my advertisements: “Can’t Bust 'Em!” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/95 "2010-04-20T17:47:42Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > That universe has a desperate need for fashion deisgn. I would became famous throughout the universe for reintroducing denim. > > I would use Klingons in my advertisements: “Can’t Bust 'Em!” Now that’s cool! ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/96 "2010-04-20T17:49:55Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Been dead a long time. But Suzie Plakson played both a lady Q and a female Vulcan doctor whose name I’m too lazy to look up. The Q is obviously ageless, and the female Vulcan (Selar!) probably looks almost exactly the same; I’m thinking fifteen years to a Vulcan is about a year for a human. > > I wouldn’t try it with Selar, though. That can only end in tears. You might risk it with LadyQ. Ain’t that like a Trekker, you want to go to bed with a Klingon, but wake up with a Vulcan. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/97 "2010-04-20T20:40:02Z")
Seeing as Yeoman Rand is dead (mental note: find corpse, retrieve dna sample), I’d find the person in charge of Starfleet Engineering and explain to him the concept of redundancy. Apparently, there aren’t any for the Warp Core Ejection System. Then I’d suggest that military read up on a first century chinese invention called “gun-powder”. I’d like to see the borg adapt to large chunks of metal ripping through their bodies. After being named ‘Hero of the Federation’ I’d work on getting Uhura and Rand cloned (and drunk, and naked, and …) ---
**Author:** ![FordTaurusSHO94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f07891/32.png) [@FordTaurusSHO94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordTaurusSHO94)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/98 "2010-04-20T21:23:38Z")
Are The Borg even a threat at this point? Janeway give them a severe beating the last time they appeared on screen. Maybe by now, Starfleet is back to being more into Exploration than trying to stop The Borg, Dominion, or whoever. They should make a new series based on that. It should be called Titan. It would be commanded by Captain Riker. Since I’m trapped in the universe, I’d read about it happening from the comfort of my couch. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/99 "2010-04-20T21:40:10Z")
I’d help out **Super Kapowlzer** and go tell Spock he’s a moron. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653/100 "2010-04-20T21:43:02Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > \ > > Even if it’s canon, I’m inclined to write that off as Federation-wanking by a writer that never studied calculus. Unless the Federation is using genetic engineering, Star Wars-style flash-training, or something similar, it’s more likely that they’d teach kids _different_ things, not _more_ things. In a universe with computers like the Federation has, Calculus is exactly the sort of thing that would be an elective for those who seek a career that needs this knowledge, not pushed forwards. [SPOILER]That might be true of the Federation generally, but I can see how kids on starships would be encouraged to develop a higher level of starship-related skills. Also, why exactly are we spoilering this conversation? [/SPOILER] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-trapped-in-the-star-trek-universe-what-do-you-do-now/536653.md?page=6)