# You're very upset with your spouse or significant other. This manifests itself **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 24, 2020, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371 "2020-09-24T01:31:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/1 "2020-09-24T01:31:53Z")
I get very quiet. I’m not doing some intentional silent treatment thing, but I’m pretty talkative normally so it stands out. I don’t know how to explain it…I’m kind of cycling on thoughts. ‘I said this and you did that…how did we get here?’ Did I overreact? What’s at stake here? And TBH part of me is pissed because I carry many conversations so haven’t I earned the right to be quiet once in awhile? I think I’ve always been that way. But TBH part of it too comes from burning a few bridges when I didn’t censor myself. Your thoughts? How do you voice yourself without shooting yourself in the foot? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/2 "2020-09-24T03:42:54Z")
Hmm. **Sr. Weasel** and I don’t fight much, but it used to drive me nuts when he would clam up like that. I’m more of the type who wants to get it all out and resolved ASAP. It felt like he was rejecting me or was completely apathetic, but once he explained to me what was going on in his head during times like that, I stopped talking it personally. I can live with “I need some time to think.” Nowadays he doesn’t shut down as much, he just snaps right back at me, which is fine. Our arguments last minutes, not hours or days, and they don’t cause any long term damage. How do you not shoot yourself in the foot? I think a little empathy goes a long way. I’m hardly perfect in a fight but I’m also quick to apologize. Personally I think you are smart for being cautious about what you say, but eventually you’re going to have to say something or nothing will ever get resolved. The silent treatment can also be a way to put off the unpleasantness of conflict indefinitely and that’s not a healthy pattern either. The more “fair” you both learn to fight, the less daunting the prospect of an argument. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/3 "2020-09-24T04:09:11Z")
‘Just walk away… walk away…’ I would link the appropriate Mad Max or South Park clip, but I’m too drunk and lazy. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/4 "2020-09-24T14:15:45Z")
I’ve heard it said that women tend to want to work things out by talking or yelling during an argument, and when they go silent it means they are VERY angry or even deciding the relationship may be beyond repair. Whereas when men go silent it’s typically because they just want the argument to stop, and it’s not a big deal to them. But the female tends to misinterpret the male silence as much more meaningful and worse than it is. Reminds me of a joke that goes something like this: HER: he’s been very quiet all day; he seems very deep in thought. Is he angry at me? Is the magic gone? Is he about to break up with me? I should ask him whet’s wrong. What’s going on behind that pensive look on his face?? HIM: hmmm… what do I feel like eating for dinner? ---
**Author:** ![PlaceboTarget](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/placebotarget/32/1073_2.png) [@PlaceboTarget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlaceboTarget)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/5 "2020-09-24T14:25:24Z")
> [@solost](#): > > Whereas when men go silent it’s typically because they just want the argument to stop, and it’s not a big deal to them. Yeah, these are cliches. Everyone reacts differently. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/6 "2020-09-24T14:54:52Z")
> [@PlaceboTarget](#): > > Yeah, these are cliches. Everyone reacts differently. Yes, I’m aware of that, which is why I used modifiers like “tend to” or “typically”. I almost added a disclaimer like “Not to stereotype…” but I didn’t think it would be necessary. Cliches exist because there’s an element of truth to them. Sure, everybody reacts differently but I think men and women have certain emotional tendencies that, in general, tend to be specific to them (though of course there are many exceptions!). ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/7 "2020-09-24T16:56:51Z")
We used to have a cat who voiced his grievances by shitting in the bathtub. I sometimes admired his eloquence. ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/8 "2020-09-24T19:37:00Z")
Men “tend” to be willing to pay double the price for something that they need. Women “tend” to be willing to only pay half price for something they don’t need because it was “on sale”. 🕶 ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/9 "2020-09-24T19:37:22Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > We used to have a cat who voiced his grievances by shitting in the bathtub. I sometimes admired his eloquence. I love this one! ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/10 "2020-09-24T21:36:00Z")
Thanks for the replies, all. > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I think a little empathy goes a long way. I’m hardly perfect in a fight but I’m also quick to apologize. Personally I think you are smart for being cautious about what you say, but eventually you’re going to have to say something or nothing will ever get resolved. True. I don’t have a problem apologizing, either. Mrs. L kinda lets it fly. She tees off and feels better. > [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > The more “fair” you both learn to fight, the less daunting the prospect of an argument. Sometimes I need to put something way in the back of my head, especially if it’s an important decision. I don’t take it lightly and I don’t want to make a snap judgment. But it’s like a computer program running in the background that slows everything else waaay down. I’m trying to be fair, not oversimplify, avoid blaming where it isn’t called for, and all that. Mostly, I don’t want to make things worse than they are. ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2020, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youre-very-upset-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-this-manifests-itself/921371/11 "2020-09-24T22:25:53Z")
> [@solost](#): > > Reminds me of a joke that goes something like this: > > HER: he’s been very quiet all day; he seems very deep in thought. Is he angry at me? Is the magic gone? Is he about to break up with me? I should ask him whet’s wrong. What’s going on behind that pensive look on his face?? > > HIM: hmmm… what do I feel like eating for dinner? A “joke”? Hell, this is the nature of life, as outlined by that famous philosopher, Dave Barry – in this case, in his wonderful manual of relationships, _Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys_. His version goes like this: Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. _Six months._ And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, _I’m_ not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish _I_ had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward … I mean, where _are_ we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward _marriage_ ? Toward _children_ ? Toward a _lifetime_ together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even _know_ this person? And Roger is thinking: … so that means it was … let’s see … _February_ when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means … lemme check the odometer … _Whoa!_ I am _way_ overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants _more_ from our relationship, _more_ intimacy, _more_ commitment; maybe he has sensed—even before _I_ sensed it—that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings: He’s afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care _what_ those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. _What_ cold weather? It’s eighty-seven degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn _garbage truck_ , and I paid those incompetent thieving cretin bastards _six hundred dollars_ . And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so _guilty_ , putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not _sure_ . And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a ninety-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? _I’ll_ give them a goddamn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their … “Roger,” Elaine says aloud. “What?” says Roger, startled. “Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have … Oh _God_ , I feel so …” _(She breaks down, sobbing.)_ “What?” says Roger.