# youve been murdered most fouly what fictional dective would you want to investigate? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 12, 2019, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986 "2019-03-12T03:25:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/41 "2019-03-12T14:13:02Z")
I’m going to go with former Mexican Federale turned vigilante, **Machete**. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/42 "2019-03-12T14:16:21Z")
If it has to be a fictional detective, please call Andrew Vachss’s Burke. He and his cahoots are so cool. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/43 "2019-03-12T14:19:17Z")
> [@Patch](#): > > Bugs Meany did it! I don’t know. Bugs has a fairly airtight alibi. He and several members of the Tigers are and have been serving time for mopery, loitering, and abuse of a corpse. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/44 "2019-03-12T14:19:39Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Sherlock Holmes. Yes. The one that lives in New York. ---
**Author:** ![Wrenching\_Spanners](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecb155/32.png) [@Wrenching\_Spanners](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wrenching_Spanners)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/45 "2019-03-12T14:43:58Z")
Stephanie Plum. My wife’s a big fan of the Janet Evanovich books, and since I’ll be dead, I’ll go with her favourite. Alternate answer - Inspector Gadget. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/46 "2019-03-12T15:06:43Z")
Christopher Chance is a good enough comic-book sleuth straight up, and even better thanks to his wacky ‘master of disguise’ skills — but the cherry on top is how he’ll sometimes disguise himself _as the deceased,_ to freak out the please-hesitate-now murderer he’s pulling a gun on and could use an advantage against. Because, hey, if ‘resurrection’ powers are off-limits as too easy an answer, I’ll opt for ‘lookalike’ skills in hopes of the killer thinking he failed to get away with it and also failed to even _manage_ it, what with the victim of attempted murder now apparently attempting murder right back at ya. (And handsome as ever!) ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/47 "2019-03-12T15:14:55Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Sherlock Holmes. Unless your alleged crime includes frolicking in diaphanous garments with tiny friends, maybe a detective who spends his alter-ego’s time [hunting fairies in the garden](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cottingley_Fairies) isn’t the best choice. ---
**Author:** ![SingleMalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/singlemalt/32/3961_2.png) [@SingleMalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleMalt)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/48 "2019-03-12T15:35:37Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > DCI Tom Barnaby or his brother. A long history of successful investigations. John and Tom Barnaby were cousins. I’m leaning towards DI Endeavour Morse and DS Robbie Lewis, but since Morse is dead, maybe DI Lewis and DS Hathaway? ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/49 "2019-03-12T15:48:16Z")
Y’all want knowledge. Closure. Peace of mind. I demand vengeance. Your detectives are going to do their thing, then give your case to a hopelessly corrupt and inefficient court system which _might_ get your killer 4-7 years for a 2nd-degree manslaughter, only to have y’all watch… shaking with impotent ghost-rage… as your killer gets off early on a technicality. **Machete** is PI, Police, Judge, Jury, and Executioner, all rolled into one. I will go into my eternal sleep knowing that my tormentors are getting what they got, just 10 times worse. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/50 "2019-03-12T16:18:15Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > To quote Ed McBain: If I get murdered, do not call Jessica Fletcher. Call the cops. To further quote Ed McBain: The last time a private eye solved a murder case was never. I’d have to go for Flaming Carrot. I want my killer nailed with a stink bomb. ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/51 "2019-03-12T16:22:18Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > Y’all want knowledge. Closure. Peace of mind. > > I demand vengeance. > > Your detectives are going to do their thing, then give your case to a hopelessly corrupt and inefficient court system which _might_ get your killer 4-7 years for a 2nd-degree manslaughter, only to have y’all watch… shaking with impotent ghost-rage… as your killer gets off early on a technicality. > > **Machete** is PI, Police, Judge, Jury, and Executioner, all rolled into one. I will go into my eternal sleep knowing that my tormentors are getting what they got, just 10 times worse. I’m gonna change my answer to machete. Though still teamed up with Jessica fletcher. ---
**Author:** ![Sassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@Sassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sassy)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/52 "2019-03-12T16:38:40Z")
San Francisco girl requires Sam Spade, thank you! ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/53 "2019-03-12T16:50:19Z")
Great thread! I’m going to pick one of the Brits-- top choice is Jane Marple. Next would be Christopher Foyle, Endeavour Morse (as a young man, 'cause he grew up into an asshole.), or Robbie Lewis & James Hathaway (advantage to Hathaway). I’m also fond of Maigret. I like Father Brown, but as with Jessica Fletcher, it’s dangerous to attend any event where he is present. And if you do, don’t eat or drink anything. Or go anywhere (like into the church, the tea tent, or behind any building) alone. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/54 "2019-03-12T17:38:51Z")
Let’s see, I’ll choose the lookers, because reasons. Either Sydney Chambers from Grantchester, or Sherlock, from Sherlock. Of course, I’d be dead, so I wouldn’t get to appreciate them, but still. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/55 "2019-03-12T17:44:06Z")
I’ll pick the P.I. that _can’t_ be wrong-Lance White. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/56 "2019-03-12T17:44:24Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Sherlock Holmes. > [@Musicat](#): > > Unless your alleged crime includes frolicking in diaphanous garments with tiny friends, maybe a detective who spends his alter-ego’s time [hunting fairies in the garden](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cottingley_Fairies) isn’t the best choice. Sherlock Holmes and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle were not the same person. Conan Doyle believed in wacky things that Holmes never would, or did. ---
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/57 "2019-03-12T17:49:08Z")
Another fan of the Brits. Give me Adam Dalgliesh, please. ---
**Author:** ![dorvann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df705f/32.png) [@dorvann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorvann)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/58 "2019-03-12T18:01:44Z")
Detectives Robert Goren and Alexandra Eames from Law & Order: Criminal Intent. ---
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/59 "2019-03-12T18:19:08Z")
Columbo has already been mentioned, so I’ll toss Ellery Queen into the mix. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/60 "2019-03-12T18:25:07Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Nero Wolfe Yep, Nero and Archie. They always get their man. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986.md?page=4)