# youve been murdered most fouly what fictional dective would you want to investigate? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 12, 2019, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986 "2019-03-12T03:25:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/121 "2019-03-13T14:11:40Z")
I don’t suppose I can solve my own case… ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/122 "2019-03-13T15:14:14Z")
Agents Chris Shane and Leslie Vann of the FBI. Just hope Chris doesn’t get hit by a car in the process. Again. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/123 "2019-03-13T15:22:12Z")
Who I _don’t_ want? **Stan Beeman** , of _The Americans_. My killer could serve Stan my thigh for dinner and the conversation would go like this: “Holy, hell! That’s a leg!” “What? Oh, Stan, stop it.” “Goddammit, that’s a leg!” “No, it’s Tiramasu\*. A traditional greek dish.” “Oh.” :chuckles: “I thought it was a leg. You sure?” “Yeah, Stan. I’m sure.” … “Tastes like pork.” “Feel free to eat the rest of it. I gotta run home, next door.” “Oh, hey, I heard a bunch of screaming over there last night. Everything alright?” :nervous chuckle: “No, everything is fine. Just fell asleep during a horror movie - didn’t know it was that loud, Stan. It won’t happen again. Enjoy your… Tiramasu.” :mouth full, chewing: “Will do!” \*You think 1984-era Stan Beeman knows what Tiramasu is? Neither do I. ---
**Author:** ![CaptMurdock](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captmurdock/32/11736_2.png) [@CaptMurdock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaptMurdock)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/124 "2019-03-13T15:24:17Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Sherlock Holmes. Somehow, I don’t see my murder being solved by a detailed knowledge of the social mores of Victorian England: “I know your alibi is false, sir: no self-respecting barrister would ever patronize a tobacconist on Fleet Street!” > [@Isamu](#): > > Ace Ventura. I just want him to do another package delivery intro. Even if I have to die to get it done. Having him talk out of his ass (semi-literally) would be a big hit at the murder trial. 🆒 > [@pkbites](#): > > Inch High Private Eye. 😃 Slight hijack here, but wouldn’t it suck to be the guy in prison who got caught by Inch High, Private Eye? Talk about being lowest on the pecking order… That guy who’s doing time for tearing tags off mattresses? You’d be his bitch! > [@dorvann](#): > > Detectives Robert Goren and Alexandra Eames from Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Just as long as don’t go undercover as a husband and wife. I love the characters, but everytime they went out and did the whole “Hi, I’m Bobby, this is Alex” trying to get info on the perps, I just had to laugh at just how _bad_ at this part of the job they were. Kinda endearing, now that I think of it. > [@StusBlues](#): > > I’m a big fan of the Columbo program, but I wouldn’t want him investigating my murder. His method played out well in the stories, but many of his cases don’t look like they would stand up in court. I wouldn’t want justice hinging on what camera a guy picked up off a shelf. Still my favorite episode. Dick van Dyke’s facial expression when he realized how Columbo made him give himself away, I could frame and hang on a wall. > [@](#): > > If I’m more constrained to reality, I’ll take Gil Grissom. Brilliant, obsessive, creative. I’ll take Gil’s twin 😉 Will Graham from _Manhunter._ The guy who caught Hannibal Lecter. Nuff Said. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/125 "2019-03-13T16:07:40Z")
I always thought putting Logan and Green together would make a real kick-ass team. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/126 "2019-03-13T16:34:51Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > I don’t want my murder _solved_. I want it _avenged_. And in an interesting way, so my choice is Serge Storms and Colman. Or maybe John Steed and Emma Peel? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/127 "2019-03-13T17:12:14Z")
I want my murder to bring out nobody else than Fox Mulder and Dana Scully The truth is out there… ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/128 "2019-03-13T17:15:39Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I want my murder to bring out nobody else than Fox Mulder and Dana Scully > > The truth is out there… Are you thinking of being murdered by ETs or something? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/129 "2019-03-13T17:19:05Z")
Yes. Why not? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/130 "2019-03-13T17:36:47Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Or maybe John Steed and Emma Peel? Not nearly enough blood and carnage. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/131 "2019-03-13T18:14:51Z")
> [@CaptMurdock](#): > > Somehow, I don’t see my murder being solved by a detailed knowledge of the social mores of Victorian England: “I know your alibi is false, sir: no self-respecting barrister would ever patronize a tobacconist on Fleet Street!” I don’t know; you may have him wrong. Holmes would be more likely to purchase a sample of every single variety of tobacco available in London to subject to exhaustive laboratory testing and provide irrefutable forensic evidence. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/132 "2019-03-13T18:15:00Z")
> [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](#): > > If you’re going with crime fiction that vintage, what about E.C. Bentley’s Philip Trent? But Trent got it wrong, didn’t he? I read a shit-ton of moldy old detective stories when I was a teenager, and _Trent’s Last Case_ was one of the few that was so damn boring I couldn’t finish it. But I can forgive Bentley. For inventing the clerihew. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/133 "2019-03-13T19:11:21Z")
> [@CaptMurdock](#): > > Still my favorite episode. Dick van Dyke’s facial expression when he realized how Columbo made him give himself away, I could frame and hang on a wall. That was a particularly good episode. ---
**Author:** ![Tatterdemalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/43a26b/32.png) [@Tatterdemalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tatterdemalion)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/134 "2019-03-13T19:24:55Z")
How about OJ Simpson? You just know he’s going to catch the real killer one of these days. Oh, you said fictional? Well OJ is pretty unlikely! ---
**Author:** ![txjim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f07891/32.png) [@txjim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/txjim)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/135 "2019-03-13T19:53:21Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > I don’t know; you may have him wrong. Holmes would be more likely to purchase a sample of every single variety of tobacco available in London to subject to exhaustive laboratory testing and provide irrefutable forensic evidence. Sure, but the murder was in Chicago ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Bill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Mr.Bill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Bill)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/136 "2019-03-13T20:04:17Z")
> [@Fair\_Rarity](#): > > I think if you lived in Massachusetts in the 80s, as I did, you’re legally required to answer Spenser. I mean, you get Hawk too and that doesn’t hurt. I’m with you on Spenser and Hawk. I would have said Travis McGee, but that would require me to leave an estate big enough that he would want half of it and THAT ain’t gonna happen… ---
**Author:** ![spifflog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@spifflog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spifflog)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/137 "2019-03-13T20:22:43Z")
I’d want Nancy Drew on the case for the sole reason that I have crush that Would Not Die on Pamela Sue Martin. And in July of 1978 I spent a lot of time in my room shall we say. ---
**Author:** ![pmwgreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@pmwgreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pmwgreen)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/138 "2019-03-13T21:09:40Z")
I’m going to go with DSS Mike Shepherd, although I would have to be murdered in Brokenwood, NZ. (Twenty episodes and no sheep. Doesn’t make sense.) Massachusetts residents are also allowed to name Homer Kelly. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/139 "2019-03-13T21:18:47Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > But Trent got it wrong, didn’t he? > > I read a shit-ton of moldy old detective stories when I was a teenager, and _Trent’s Last Case_ was one of the few that was so damn boring I couldn’t finish it. > > But I can forgive Bentley. For inventing the clerihew. You’re right about him being wrong, but I read the novel as an adult, and I didn’t think it was that bad. But speaking of the old timers, what about the Old Man in the Corner? ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986/140 "2019-03-13T22:17:01Z")
> [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](#): > > But speaking of the old timers, what about the Old Man in the Corner? I love that guy! Best “armchair detective” before Nero Wolfe came around in 1934. How about H.C. Bailey’s Reggie Fortune? Nearly as irritating as S.S. Van Dine’s Philo Vance. “My dear aunt!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-murdered-most-fouly-what-fictional-dective-would-you-want-to-investigate/830986.md?page=8)