# You've been offered beaucoup bucks to write the sex diary of any literary character. Which one? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 25, 2010, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488 "2010-06-25T14:06:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/1 "2010-06-25T14:06:59Z")
Who do you choose? ---
**Author:** ![PapSett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@PapSett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PapSett)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/2 "2010-06-25T14:11:10Z")
Legolas from LOTR. I bet that elf has stories to tell! ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/3 "2010-06-25T16:15:56Z")
Granny Weatherwax. I figure that would take me 5 minutes at most to write. I still get the beaucoup bucks, right? ---
**Author:** ![In\_Winnipeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a8b319/32.png) [@In\_Winnipeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Winnipeg)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/4 "2010-06-25T16:45:52Z")
Walter Mitty, but I’d have to change the title to _The Fantasy Sex Life of…_ Could be more fun than the real thing, actually. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/5 "2010-06-25T16:47:14Z")
R2-D2. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/6 "2010-06-25T17:31:18Z")
> [@PapSett](#): > > Legolas from LOTR. I bet that elf has stories to tell! Pfft. Samwise Gamgee. “They did it missionary style. At least thirteen times. The end.” Where’s my beaucoup bucks? ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/7 "2010-06-25T17:36:55Z")
Lemuel Gulliver. That could prove . . . interesting. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/8 "2010-06-25T19:55:08Z")
> [@PapSett](#): > > Legolas from LOTR. I bet that elf has stories to tell! It’s been done: [The Secret Diaries](http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/). ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/9 "2010-06-25T20:12:19Z")
> [@](#): > > Lemuel Gulliver. That could prove . . . interesting. > Reply With Quote This one has been done, too. It was in National Lampoon, ages ago. And in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen – The Black Dossier, and in _tons_ on online "fanfiction’. ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/10 "2010-06-25T20:25:04Z")
Maybe something from H. P. Lovecraft. Like “The Dunwich Horror: The Passion Behind The Abomination”. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/11 "2010-06-25T20:27:32Z")
James T. Kirk ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/12 "2010-06-25T20:28:59Z")
Hermione Granger. She’s a virgin so throw in a diary entry about how “it burns a tad but I can’t get over the craving to have a ginger root in my mouth at all times” and you’re done. If it had to be book length I might go with McGonnagall though; I’m guessing green waters run deep. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/13 "2010-06-25T22:25:58Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Granny Weatherwax. I figure that would take me 5 minutes at most to write. I still get the beaucoup bucks, right? Put hers next to Nanny Ogg’s and you might have what looks like two books worth! You write Granny’s, and I’ll get Nanny’s. I bet Casanunda reserves the first copy. Of each! ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/14 "2010-06-25T22:47:44Z")
How literary is literary? Serialized genre-fiction publishers might be crass enough, but fanfic of that nature is done for free. Online. Lots. That said, Susan Pevensie could be interesting, though I wouldn’t really stop at the sex. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/15 "2010-06-25T22:53:08Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Granny Weatherwax. I figure that would take me 5 minutes at most to write. I still get the beaucoup bucks, right? I claim Marcus Cole, Ranger, Babylon 5. He was a virgin. The end. When do I get paid? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/16 "2010-06-25T23:19:13Z")
Oh, I’m sure you’ll have some writing to do. Marcus was seriously repressed, and probably masturbated like a mother-fuck. Lots of kinky dreams about Ivanova and leather… - **Marcus:** Bugger! Now I have to wait for someone to wake up! [he is approached from behind by Lennier, who almost gets hit] **Lennier:** I would advise against it. [looks at the wreckage] I see they trained you well back home. **Marcus:** Well, they said I was carrying around a lot of repressed anger. **Lennier:** And? **Marcus:** I’m not repressed anymore!\* ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/17 "2010-06-25T23:37:25Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Lots of kinky dreams about Ivanova and leather… I’ll be in my bunk… ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2010, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/18 "2010-06-25T23:41:31Z")
Fitzwilliam Darcy. Wet or not. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/19 "2010-06-26T01:29:54Z")
Atticus Finch When he shot the dog Tim Johnson, Maudie Atkinson was watching from her window. The stark violence of the moment unleashed something both astonishing and savage in her loins; something that until that moment she had not known existed, but which she now knew must be completed by his embrace. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2010, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488/20 "2010-06-26T01:40:05Z")
“I burn my candle at both ends. . .” Emily Dickinson [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-offered-beaucoup-bucks-to-write-the-sex-diary-of-any-literary-character-which-one/544488.md?page=2)