# You've been un-invited! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 16, 2010, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353 "2010-12-16T13:02:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![lisalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/0ea827/32.png) [@lisalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisalan)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/21 "2010-12-16T16:41:11Z")
> [@FriarTed](#): > > I so hope that you responded “But you also got me!” thanks…you are sweet. She did tell me that she thinks it’s better to have daughters becasue they are usually more loyal to their mother’s. Sons tend to always go with whatever the wife wants. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/22 "2010-12-16T16:45:51Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > What my brother and his wife do to forestall such events is have Christmas with one set of parents and New Year with the other. Then swap around the next year. Yes, that’s the way to manage general expectations. But that doesn’t change the fact that the B&SIL invited then de-invited people. That’s just not cool no matter what. They can change the way they do things next year, but this year they should have stuck with their guest list once they confirmed all the invites. My wife and I have two Christmas dinners. One is Christmas Eve with both sets of our parents/immediate family. Then Christmas Day we go off for independently with our extended families according to however the nvites fall that year. It makes for a lot of eating though.. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/23 "2010-12-16T16:54:54Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > I think you’re well within your rights to be a little hurt by being uninvited, but hope you won’t let it become an issue in your family. Assume that there was no bad intent. I say let it become an issue. SIL needs to realize she’s being a bitch. And if she doesn’t realize it everyone else should. And your brother, no offense, needs to stop being a pussy. I lucked out and married an orphan with only a brother, so holidays for me are very easy. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/24 "2010-12-16T16:56:54Z")
This is one advantage of a mixed-faith marriage; Thanksgiving is the only real point of conflict (especially with Hannukah so early this year). ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/25 "2010-12-16T17:07:50Z")
It would be very wrong of you to do the following: Next year, concoct a story about winning a family trip for 10 to Hawaii for Christmas. Invite them to come along in November. Get all excited about it. Make plans. Then, 10 days before the “departure”, announce that you have decided to give their tickets away to the “Fill a child’s dream” program so that kids with cancer can get one last holiday. Tell them “so sorry, but you’re uninvited now.” You should not do this. It would be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/26 "2010-12-16T17:10:44Z")
To the OP: Honestly, I would be very upset. The un-invite was rude and inappropriate. It doesn’t matter if it came from a friend, casual acquaintance, or family. I’d probably have my own party and turn down the next future invite to their house. Maybe he’d get the picture. > [@RandMcnally](#): > > I lucked out and married an orphan with only a brother, so holidays for me are very easy. Yup: I’m an only child with no surviving family, so I spend holidays with my husband’s family. It works out well. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/27 "2010-12-16T17:12:04Z")
I do think what SIL did was pretty awful, but … you guys kind of already don’t like her, and what’s done is done. Don’t let it ruin your holiday. Certainly don’t try to get yourselves re-invited either. IMHO if you did get re-invited it would just be a shitty time. You’d be angry about the un-inviting and SIL would be angry about the re-inviting and it would just be no fun. Just have your own family party, either just your kids with your mom, or the whole clan without your brother, and enjoy yourselves. Don’t spend the next two weeks wringing your hands over what transpired. This lady is the woman your brother chose to be with, and is the mother of his kids, your family (presumably?). She’s in your life forever. You know how she is. You don’t have to always excuse her but you can’t go on forever letting HER ruin YOUR fun. The only way to ruin your fun now is to do it to yourself by worrying about this incident. Move on, enjoy Christmas with whatever family is around. You won’t regret it! ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/28 "2010-12-16T17:19:00Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Certainly don’t try to get yourselves re-invited either. IMHO if you did get re-invited it would just be a shitty time. You’d be angry about the un-inviting and SIL would be angry about the re-inviting and it would just be no fun. Quoted for truth. Personally, I wouldn’t be too keen on accepting any future invites either. Last thing you need is to have your plans screwed up every time SIL decides to cancel out on you at the last minute. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/29 "2010-12-16T17:19:13Z")
Could it so happen that your mother forget to tell you, and you show up at your brother’s house anyway? 😉 When your sister-in-law says “sorry, didn’t we tell you that we didn’t have room for you” you can answer “I thought that was a joke, I couldn’t believe anyone would be so rude as to turn away family at Christmas.” Then, on a pre-arranged cue, have all your kids start bawling while you drag them away. Spoil their Christmas Eve, before you go out to a fun one of your own! ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/30 "2010-12-16T17:43:37Z")
> [@lisalan](#): > > That’s a good idea but I doubt he wife would let him. She obviously wears the pants in the family. My brother obviously values his wife’s feelings more than his mothers and I am really upset with him about this. > Today my mom was talking to me about it and she says you make so many sacrifices for you kids as a parent and look what she gets back in return. What your SIL did is was rude and shitty, and she sounds like a piece of work, but I have to chime in and say that I think it is completely appropriate for an adult child to care more for their spouse’s feelings than those of their parents. Its a real shame when these things come into direct conflict, and everyone is happier when compromises are made and no one has to choose, of course, but when it comes down to it, the spouse ought to be first. ---
**Author:** ![lisalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/0ea827/32.png) [@lisalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisalan)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/31 "2010-12-16T18:30:57Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I do think what SIL did was pretty awful, but … you guys kind of already don’t like her, and what’s done is done. > > Don’t let it ruin your holiday. Certainly don’t try to get yourselves re-invited either. IMHO if you did get re-invited it would just be a shitty time. You’d be angry about the un-inviting and SIL would be angry about the re-inviting and it would just be no fun. > > Just have your own family party, either just your kids with your mom, or the whole clan without your brother, and enjoy yourselves. Don’t spend the next two weeks wringing your hands over what transpired. > > This lady is the woman your brother chose to be with, and is the mother of his kids, your family (presumably?). She’s in your life forever. You know how she is. You don’t have to always excuse her but you can’t go on forever letting HER ruin YOUR fun. The only way to ruin your fun now is to do it to yourself by worrying about this incident. Move on, enjoy Christmas with whatever family is around. You won’t regret it! Thanks so much for the kind words. I would NEVER get myself re-invited. I have too much pride for that and would never go where I wasn’t wanted. I am just sick of my SIL causing so many problems with our families. She didn’t even come to my daughter’s birthday party and sent my brother instead. Whereas I bent over backwards to go to her 40th birthday party with my daughter who was a newborn at the time and i had just had a c-section. ---
**Author:** ![lisalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/0ea827/32.png) [@lisalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisalan)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/32 "2010-12-16T18:31:59Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > Could it so happen that your mother forget to tell you, and you show up at your brother’s house anyway? 😉 > When your sister-in-law says “sorry, didn’t we tell you that we didn’t have room for you” you can answer “I thought that was a joke, I couldn’t believe anyone would be so rude as to turn away family at Christmas.” Then, on a pre-arranged cue, have all your kids start bawling while you drag them away. Spoil their Christmas Eve, before you go out to a fun one of your own! If I had the guts to do that it would be an awesome idea!!! ---
**Author:** ![lisalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/0ea827/32.png) [@lisalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisalan)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/33 "2010-12-16T18:38:49Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > Quoted for truth. > > Personally, I wouldn’t be too keen on accepting any future invites either. Last thing you need is to have your plans screwed up every time SIL decides to cancel out on you at the last minute. Oh don’t worry. I’m not planning to attend anything she ever hosts in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/34 "2010-12-16T18:43:28Z")
> [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > but I have to chime in and say that I think it is completely appropriate for an adult child to care more for their spouse’s feelings than those of their parents. No one is really denying that. Most people have to make some compromises around some of the big holidays, such as not having Christmas dinner with one set of parents or something. Yes, that’s normal and appropriate. What is _not_ is when the spouse agrees to invite family over, confirms this, sends the invite, and _then_ changes his/her mind. No, sorry. That is terrible behavior and I wouldn’t be so quick to cave if my wife did something so shitty to my family. If she didn’t want them over from the get go, that would be one thing, I’d respect her wishes and hammer out an alternative. But to _rescind_ an invitation to my mom is not something I’d fold for easily. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/35 "2010-12-16T18:51:23Z")
> [@lisalan](#): > > Oh don’t worry. I’m not planning to attend anything she ever hosts in the future. Bah, she wouldn’t let you anyway. I can see her now, cackling to her minions the day before Thanksgiving, as she watched you in her crystal ball, walk right past the frozen turkeys as you did your grocery shopping—ensuring that you’ll be unprepared and have no back up plan when she calls to de-invite you (and your little dog too!) Then she’d high-five the flying monkey, as you sat eating day-old leftover pizza at home alone on the day of thanks. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/36 "2010-12-16T19:18:15Z")
I am quite possibly the moodiest person I know. I have good days and bad days. But the idea of univiting someone to christmas dinner this late in the game no matter how badly I was feeling would never cross my mind. That said, I would recommend (even with the kids) having your mom over on Christmas Eve. Even if it’s just for takeout. Preventing her from imploding seems like a worthy Christmas gift (because if I were her, I would be seething). ---
**Author:** ![lisalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/0ea827/32.png) [@lisalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisalan)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/37 "2010-12-16T19:22:02Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > I am quite possibly the moodiest person I know. I have good days and bad days. But the idea of univiting someone to christmas dinner this late in the game no matter how badly I was feeling would never cross my mind. > > That said, I would recommend (even with the kids) having your mom over on Christmas Eve. Even if it’s just for takeout. Preventing her from imploding seems like a worthy Christmas gift (because if I were her, I would be seething). Oh she is seething. She told me there were a few things she would like to do to my SIL and none of them are legal:D ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2010, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/38 "2010-12-17T03:38:12Z")
SiL is terrible, and brother doesn’t need balls, cuz he wouldn’t know what to do with them. You CANNOT disinvite your mother for such a specious reason as this. This little jerk brother is as bad as his wife.A husband should put his wife before his mother, but, to disinvite them, while having her family over…something has gone wrong with his brain, and it’s not something that can be fixed, or else there’s a much jucier story here that you’re not privy to. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2010, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/39 "2010-12-17T03:56:24Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > This is a good idea. If this was my brother, I would also have a quiet word with him about how he needs to make it up to your mother in some way, like perhaps inviting your parents and the family over for a family get together on another significant date, like New Year’s Day. No boy wants to upset his mother. I know this was well meant, but, it is an incredibly horrible idea. You crap in somebody’s hand, and then ask them to stick the other one out. Your suggestion would blatantly patronize the parents, and ramrod them into an even worse situation: putting them into the exact situation that they were in-who knows if they’d be disinvited again? If they do go, who wants a morose sullen New Years day dinner with the very people that insulted them so heinously? What would they be served? SiL would just be too tired to make something good…etc… I pity **lisalan.** I have been in situations like this before: relative didn’t know how to handle his wife, or else, couldn’t behave himself. It sounds like\*\* ll’s\*\* Mom takes this too seriously, and, when son gets back on Mom’s good side again, things will go smooth until it happens again, then Mom’s heart will be broken, and **ll** will get put in the middle again. Best advice: Never go to family get together again. Don’t be mean, and always love family members, but, there is something in them that cannot allow them to do the right thing in a group setting. It’s like asking up to be down, or yes to be no. You can want it and wish it, but it isn’t going to happen. That’s the way they are. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2010, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353/40 "2010-12-17T04:06:16Z")
My SIL did this all the time. What’s strange is that she and my brother lived with her parents. Shed invite us, then call back the day of the party and say there wasn’t enough room at the table. Very strange family. I don’t know if my brother finally spoke up or just escaped, but they ended up divorcing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/youve-been-un-invited/564353.md?page=3)