# Zombie identification

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100>\
**Category:** About This Message Board\
**Created:** [August 13, 2013, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100 "2013-08-13T02:57:34Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 17\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![j\_sum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@j\_sum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_sum1)\
**Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/1 "2013-08-13T02:57:34Z")

</div>

Hate to flog a dead horse here. And I would be surprised if I was the first person to suggest it, but here goes.  
When perusing the boards I find the name of the last poster and the time stamp of that post. Underneath the thread title I also find the name of the “thread starter”.  
How difficult would it be to add a thread start date?  
Even better, how difficult would it be to display “two days ago”, “one month ago” “four years ago” etc.

Just a thought.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\
**Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/2 "2013-08-13T07:58:27Z")

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Since the powers that be don’t want to customize the software, pretty much impossible. But there’s a GreaseMonkey script in that does a passable job of informing you if a thread is likely a zombie. Since people had trouble finding it the last time I mentioned it, I’ll just put the code in this post (in the spoiler tag). I have tweaked it slightly to work a little better on pages with a lot of old content.

[spoiler]

```php
// ==UserScript==
// @name SDMB highlight old threads in forum
// @namespace Polerius
// @description In forum pages, highlights threads that are suspected of being very old
// @include http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/forumdisplay.php*
// ==/UserScript==

(function() 
 {
     var allThreads = document.getElementsByClassName('alt1');
     var std = 0;
     var avg = 0;
     var cnt = 0;
     var num_sticky = 0;
     var thread_id;

     // Find all thread id's
     for (var i = 0; i < allThreads.length; i++)
     {
	 if( allThreads*.innerHTML.match(/thread_statusicon_(\d+)/))
	 {
	     thread_id = RegExp.$1;
	     avg += thread_id*1;
	     cnt += 1;
		 std += thread_id*thread_id;
		 
		 //discard extreme outliers (>100000 from mean)
		 if (thread_id*1 < avg / cnt - 100000)
		 {
			avg -= thread_id*1
			cnt -= 1;
			std -= thread_id*thread_id
		 }
		 
	 }
	 else if( allThreads*.innerHTML.match(/alt=\"Sticky Thread\"/))
	 {
	     // "Exclude sticky threads
	   if (thread_id*1 >= avg / cnt - 100000) //account for outlier removal
	   {
	     num_sticky++;
	     std -= thread_id*thread_id;
	     avg -= thread_id*1;
	     cnt -= 1;
	   }
	 }
     }

     avg /= cnt;
     std = Math.sqrt((std - cnt*avg*avg)/(cnt-1));

     // Find all thread id's and mark the old ones (whose id is less than one std below the mean)
     // Exclude the sticky ones on top of the forum
     for (var i = 0; i < allThreads.length; i++)
     {
	 if( allThreads*.innerHTML.match(/thread_statusicon_(\d+)/))
	 {
	     if((num_sticky--) <= 0)
	     {
		 thread_id = RegExp.$1;
		 if (thread_id < (avg - std))
		 {
		     allThreads*.innerHTML = "<span style=\"font-size:12px;text-align:center;color:#ff0000;\">OLD!</span>" + allThreads*.innerHTML;
		 }
	     }
	 }
     }
	 //alert(Math.round(avg) + " " + Math.round(std) + " " + Math.round(avg-std));
 })();

```

[/spoiler].

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\
**Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/3 "2013-08-13T13:49:46Z")

</div>

Thread start date is not the defining characteristic of a zombie.

More characteristic is time since last post, but even that can vary from forum to forum and topic to topic.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\
**Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/4 "2013-08-13T13:55:23Z")

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First are the Slow Shamblers - the move slowly, often stick their arms out to try to grab you, and moan a lot.

Then come the Fast [del]Fu-[/del] Zombies - they look like the ones above, but move like unimpaired humans. They can run, etc.

Then you have your ZombieBeasts - these are animals that have been zombified. These often fit in the more Fast Zombie category than Slow Shamblers.

The latest are the UltraFast Hoard - these are the ones that transform in seconds and can outrun a cheetah and swarm to climb walls and such.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\
**Post date:** [August 13, 2013, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/5 "2013-08-13T13:56:18Z")

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why the discrimination? if a zombie is relevant and interesting, it is interesting. if it isn’t relevant it would be locked anyway.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![j\_sum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8baadc/32.png) [@j\_sum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j_sum1)\
**Post date:** [August 14, 2013, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/6 "2013-08-14T02:01:07Z")

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Ok. Let me rephrase the question.  
It would be nice to have the thread start date shown on the main page. For me this would be more useful than the date stamp of the most recent post.  
It would help with identifying zombies. (Which seems to be an ongoing concern for many and hence this thread title.)  
But more importantly for me it would let me know before I open a three page thread whether this is a discussion that has been happening for some time that I have previously missed or it is a hot discussion topic right now that is progressing quickly.

Is the date stamp of the thread starter something that could be added easily?

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/7 "2013-08-15T18:42:37Z")

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I suggested something similar a few months ago, and apparently I wasn’t the first. Obviously it didn’t happen.

> **[A thought with regard to zombie threads](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=686646)**
>
> Now, I don’t think zombie threads are a terribly big problem, but I know they get on some people’s nerves. So I had a thought the other day, could people who hate zombie threads better avoid them if the topic lists included the date of topic creation...

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/8 "2013-08-15T18:56:21Z")

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Not gonna happen any time soon. Why don’t you resurrect this thread in about 2 years and see if things have changed.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/9 "2013-08-15T19:08:34Z")

</div>

[Here you go](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=16575139#post16575139)

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/10 "2013-08-15T19:42:53Z")

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> [@Fenris](#):
>
> [Here you go](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=16575139#post16575139)

And there it went.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/11 "2013-08-15T20:35:58Z")

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I am outraged, _outraged_!!! at this shabby treatment and demand to speak to the management of this establishment, as well as register a complaint with the British Consulate. Also, I want a slice of pie.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/12 "2013-08-15T20:40:53Z")

</div>

> [@Fenris](#):
>
> I am outraged, _outraged_!!! at this shabby treatment and demand to speak to the management of this establishment, as well as register a complaint with the British Consulate. Also, I want a slice of pie.

Good luck with that. I went to the French Consulate, and all _I_ got was cake.  
How revolting.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Gagundathar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a183cd/32.png) [@Gagundathar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gagundathar)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/13 "2013-08-15T21:56:30Z")

</div>

I want a pony.

Actually, I don’t mind zombie threads. I haven’t been “here” for years on end and even though some of the posts were made by now banned members, the content is still interesting.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/14 "2013-08-15T23:23:39Z")

</div>

> [@Irishman](#):
>
> First are the Slow Shamblers - the move slowly, often stick their arms out to try to grab you, and moan a lot.
> 
> Then come the Fast [del]Fu-[/del] Zombies - they look like the ones above, but move like unimpaired humans. They can run, etc.
> 
> Then you have your ZombieBeasts - these are animals that have been zombified. These often fit in the more Fast Zombie category than Slow Shamblers.
> 
> The latest are the UltraFast Hoard - these are the ones that transform in seconds and can outrun a cheetah and swarm to climb walls and such.

This is a good start at an earnest answer to this thread, but you forgot a few more (sub?)classifications

Undead zombie - Coming up out of the grave, very decomposed, magical in origin. No one can explain how or why they are shambling around eating people.

Viral zombie - These are otherwise normal people who have some sort of infection that drives them crazy and makes them want to eat people.

Braindead/unintelligent zombie - No planning, no intelligence whatsoever. Work off of basic instinct. If they were buckled in during zombification, they’d have no idea how to unbuckle themselves.

Intelligent zombie - able to plan, possibly even communicate with other zombies. Their intelligence exists on an individual basis though. Some might be smarter than others.

Hive-mind zombie - zombies that can somehow manage to achieve intelligent goals (like piling up to get over a wall) even though each individual zombie appears to be utterly mindless.

Brains vs Flesh Eating - Some zombies go specifically for the brains. Others are perfectly happy with any type of flesh.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\
**Post date:** [August 15, 2013, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/15 "2013-08-15T23:35:00Z")

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> [@Czarcasm](#):
>
> Good luck with that. I went to the French Consulate, and all _I_ got was cake.  
> How revolting.

I went to the Spanish Consulate and was quizzed for hours on end. I didn’t expect _that_.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\
**Post date:** [August 16, 2013, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/16 "2013-08-16T13:37:45Z")

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Nobody expects the Spanish Consulate Quiz!

What are you looking at me for?

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\
**Post date:** [August 16, 2013, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/zombie-identification/666100/17 "2013-08-16T15:16:29Z")

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n/m