Battlebots '25 and change

DKW
Thu, 21 Nov 2024 04:21:49 +0000
Cafe Society

'20 and 21 — '22 — '23

I can’t begin to tell you how much my interest in reality TV goes in the tank whenever Battlebots isn’t around. Right now I’m watching The Summit, which is looking like a Survivor retread crossed with a Bear Grylls retread, and trying to get hyped up for a third Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test, for which the absolute best thing I can say about it is that it frequently jettisons more than one contestant per episode. This is the kind of stuff that I now consider not completely unworthy of my time and attention.

See, when it comes right down to it, I need at least a fair amount of three things from my reality programming: honesty, fairness, and respect. If the results are obviously rigged even to a casual viewer, the judges make one painfully stupid decision after another, voting blocs are ridiculous (seriously, Iman Shumpert??), or rules aren’t consistently enforced, there’s no honesty. If luck plays a big factor, the fields are badly unbalanced, top contenders can get bounced by being teamed up with goldbrick losers, some loony alteration requirement gets thrown in out of nowhere, or a freak accident or ignorant 3rd party can end someone’s chances in an instant, there’s no fairness. If judges constantly bicker, preen, provoke, and grandstand, contestants trash talk and snark and get derogatory without penalty, or the audience members “BEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHUUWUUWUWUWW” anything that doesn’t absolutely wow them in the first 5 microseconds, there’s no respect. And that turns me off, and I turn it off. Maybe, if there’s something I really like about it, I hang in there for a while (I clung to American Ninja Warrior for far longer than I should’ve), but the end always comes. Battlebots, while it has had slip-ups (I don’t know what the powers in charge did to Team Riptide, but it had better be a lot), always has honest competition, always reviews and tweaks the rules to make the field as fair as possible, and always weeds out the worst actors and makes it clear that the competitors must respect each other.

It’s astonishing that a writers’ strike, of all things, could’ve have stopped this train cold for so long, so you can imagine my…let’s call it guarded optimism that, yes, there will be a new season in ’25. Well, it’s scheduled, anyway. It’s frustratingly hard to get anything concrete about Battlebots, so you’ll just have to be patient.

In the meantime, YouTube has uploaded a fairly recent Vegas event (Sin City being where all the big robot combat action in this country apparently happens now). For lack of any other robot fighting content, or much of anything else I feel like discussing right now, for that matter, I hereby declare the ’25-or-whichever season open for business. I don’t pretend to have any idea how “pre-qualifying” works now, so don’t bother asking.

All right! Let’s go!

VEGAS ALL STARS

++ First round ++

Blip vs. Whiplash
Blip is a small flipper and two little forks; Whiplash has a mobile saw arm and two plow-like wedges. Blip takes the initiative early, getting under easily and tossing Whiplash against the wall. Whiplash recovers but gets send skyward a couple more times. And again. Whiplash is looking aimless, unable to attack or defend, and Blip continues exerting its will. Then a shot from behind. And…I really don’t know what the hell Whiplash’s driver is doing. And it goes on like that. At about the halfway mark it looks like Whiplash is completely toast, which of course is the signal for Blip to attack and attack and attack and attack and attack and attack arrrgrll. (It’d be more tolerable if it wasn’t so goddam PREDICTABLE.) Oh, right, upper deck, whatever.

Tombstone vs. Hypershock
Ray Billings still refuses to update Tombstone’s single-blade design; Will Bales’ upward-arched spinner design for Hypershock is unchanged as well. Hypershock’s driver this evening is Will’s wife Alex, a rookie, but because this program is highly streamlined the announcers don’t repeat these facts enough times to get hair-tearingly insufferable. Small favors! It starts with a forceful wepper which sends Tombstone spinning away. Then a second, less energetic wepper. Tombstone is smoking. It spins around and gives a chippy little…Hypershock’s left rear wheel just came off. When will designers learn not to put big soft vulnerable targets on their machines? Another big wepper, and now smoke is pouring out of Tombstone, and yes, this is going to be yet another brainless bludgeon-fest where the winner is the one that avoids exploding slightly longer. A badly maimed Hypershock chases Tombstone around and around. Tombstone’s weapon has stopped. Something’s definitely grinding against something, but I can’t see in all the smoke. With further combat being impossible but neither bot completely helpless, the final minute thirty is the obligatory opportunity for the announcers to ramble aimlessly and crack horrible jokes, which I actually found less annoying than I usually do. Hey, these guys are veterans. It looks like it’s going the distance, but just then Tombstone finally gives up the cadaver, and the count ends with one second to spare. Man…I’m not surprised Tombstone got figured out eventually, but the past few matches it’s just plain stunk up the joint. What is there left for Billings in this sport?

Cobalt vs. Skorpios
Ramp-front center spinner against 4-fork arm sawer. They lock up, and Skorpios pushes Cobalt all the way to the wall before taking the first shot to the left of the spinner; a bit of metal flies off. Then a second hit before Cobalt squirts free. Maneuvering; Cobalt briefly gets under but only leaves scratches. A strong forward push which boots Skorpios upward. Skorpios’ wedges are compromised, pointing inward; it briefly scrapes the outer wall with its saw. More maneuvering. Skorpios briefly has Cobalt’s back but doesn’t fire…is the saw down? Cobalt gets a smaller punt. Skorpios briefly catches air. A shot which inverts Skorpios, then another before it can recover. At the halfway mark, Cobalt is smelling blood; the shots get more frequent and impactful, whereas Skorpios hasn’t shown any offense since first blood. Oh yeah, that saw is definitely nonfunctional. Someone mentions that Skorpios lost the stabilizing magnets on the bottom and now can’t stop doing wheelies. It finally ends with Skorpios inverted and completely lifeless. It’s too late for a stoppage, and this goes to the judges. Faruq Tauheed doesn’t name the judges or say whether it’s unanimous or split (I’m pretty sure it’s just for this event and won’t carry over to the main show), but there’s no question as to the winner: Cobalt.

Hydra vs. Madcatter
Classic flipper meets crash-ic crusher. Gassy Cat briefly gets in the way before being swatted aside like the meaningless nuisance it is. Madcatter pushes Hydra around and delivers some scrapes. Hydra pushes, manages to get between Madcatter’s forks, and flips it like a…mmm, pancake, definitely pancake. Madcatter is inverted but quickly recovers. Hydra actually gets into position a couple times but doesn’t fire. It does a test shot…oh boy, that did not look very strong. Hydra goes on the offensive while Madcatter looks lost. A little toss into the screws, and Madcatter is on its side and stuck, but those screws reverse so…I said, those screws reverse…any time now…aw, geez, Madcatter is wedged in too tightly for the screws to move. Hydra prevails somehow. Is it really just too expensive to properly maintain these machines?

Quickie interview with Jake Ewert where he reveals that he thinks he has the best flipper, which is supposed to be provocative or something.

Brief segment with original host Bill Dwyer where he plugs the Vegas show, Destruct-A-Thon. Mmm…I’m sure a nightly event is a big hit with the fans (the ones in the area and able to afford it, that is), but I’m not sure about its long-term viability. Unless there are a LOT of entrants, it could be simply too big a drain to keep alive.

++ Semis ++

Blip vs. Hypershock
Hypershock engages and disengages, then suddenly runs into a wall. Hypershock briefly runs right over Blip’s flipper, but no attack. A little head-on strike with the forks which knocks Blip back somewhat. (Again, why hasn’t anyone attempted a dedicated ram bot?) Blip gets right under Hypershock, then again, and finally there’s a bit of airtime. Hypershock is now inverted, which it always struggles with, so this time the driver says heck with it and charges straight at the upper deck screw head-on, and smack me with a driveshaft if it doesn’t work. Well, sorta, as its right side drive appears to be zapped, but it matters not as Blip isn’t moving at all. The word “languid” comes to mind, as does “grateful” (that this is just a fun little tourist show and not anything that actually matters).

Cobalt vs. Hydra
Some clumsy maneuvering, Hydra misses, Hydra hits…and sends Cobalt clear over the wall. Refer to previous semi.

++ Filler Grudge Match ++

Malice vs. Jackpot
Dicey wheel spinner against dicey diamond blade spinner. Both bots get spun up, and Jackpot wheels around looking for an opening before…hold on, checking my analytics here…mm hmm…ah hah…all right, I’m getting a 98.62% probability of mindlessly slamming right into Malice’s weapon and oh baby, can I call ‘em or what? After two exchanges Jackpot is overturned next to the wall; it has a righter, but it’s not having much effect. Malice shuts the door by taking out one of the righter arms. Malice graciously pulls Jackpot of the wall, which is no help whatsoever. No count…and no count as the next hit knocks Jackpot on its wheels. Wow, that certainly was a very small grudge, am I right? I’m just so frigging tired of all this opponent-helping at this point. Anyway, it’s back to action, which means wepper, wepper, wepper, and I really do not need more depression in my life right now. Jackpot’s weapon is toast, and Malice happily takes advantage. It’s an absolutely one-sided drubbing, ending with one big shot that lands Jackpot inverted.

Bunny Sauriol: “My goodness, thank you so much Cobalt, Gigabyte for the ESC that solved all of our problems.” You want o give that a crack, knock yourself out.

++ Final ++

Hypershock vs. Hydra
Hypershock runs a few laps back and forth past Hydra before Hydra advances and puts Hypershock on the wall. Hypershock rather unwisely drives straight ahead onto the flipper, resulting in the predictable, but the force of the shot also upends Hydra. Hydra tries to flip itself right, sending it tumbling, and Hypershock recovers with amazing speed and strikes, knocking off a big chunk of metal. A follow up shot, much less effective, and Hypershock is now inverted again. Hypershock’s driver is really struggling, while Hydra’s left side drive appears to be busted and it can’t capitalize. (I understand when you see the same bots a lot, you’re going to see the same crap related to those specific bots a lot.) Hydra gets a flip that doesn’t help its cause as it rights Hypershock. Okay, given that Hydra is now maimed, the logical thing to do would be to go after its right and either stop it cold or…Hypershock just plowed straight ahead and it’s inverted again aaragjaglg. (I get that the driver is a rookie, but is basic competence too much to ask???) Hydra is near death but stubbornly refuses to completely stop, while Hypershock continues doing its best failed MIT experiment impression. It goes on like that for a while. Then with 39 seconds left…there’s a count? It seems that in Vegas the ref can start the count of his own initiative if he gets bored enough, which means that Hydra is done!

Ladies and gentlemen, your champ…conquer…triumph…y’know, I’m not sure what the proper terminology is, so use what works for you. Alex Bales receives a not giant but still fairly large nut for her trouble, which, if you ask me, is really generous for the amount of work she did. I think a Medium Nut or even a Slightly Shorter Than Average Nut would’ve been a plenty sufficient prize. Whichever, this is a positive development for a squad that definitely could use a few, and I hope that Bales continues to learn and develop as a driver so Hypershock can become a force once again. (Maybe work on not being so vulnerable inverted, too.)

And there you have it! The first-big-question-mark-in-parenthesis event in way too long! More on the actual ding-dang season 8 when I actually get something!

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