I hate pandas. Why does everyone care about pandas so much for Christ’s sake? Pandas are idle bastards, and they can bloody well sod off back to China as far as I’m concerned. I realise that this is not a commonly-held point of view, but there are damned good reasons for it.
We bring loads of pandas to Europe and America, we care for them, give them homes, as many bamboo shoots as they can eat. We bring children along to gaze at them lovingly, we use them as the WWF’s logo and make them into a symbol of the wonders of nature.
And what do we ask of them in exchange? One single thing: please Mr Scrounging Scumbag Panda, make love to the lady panda? You don’t like that one? You prefer bigger patches on the eyes? Well here you are, we’ve brought along a selection for you at great expense from the Old Country! We won’t pry on you, just take her round the back and make some more little slothful bears. And can they be arsed to do that? Can they, bollocks!
And there’s another thing about pandas: they’re bears. They may have adopted a funky pied colour scheme, but make no mistake: they’re a kind of bear. Now I know about bears. Great big omnivorous plantigrade things that eat everything and anything. But not their Chinese cousins, oh no! They thought that what would be a really great idea would be to live off one particular part of a type of grass that dies out every few years. Why do you think that they lie on their backs in their endearing way? Because bloody bamboo shoots don’t have a high enough calorific value to replace the energy that it takes to munch them.
Well given their stupid lifestyle choices, of course they’re becoming extinct! They’re a stupid, idle, ridiculous animal. They can f*** right off and go extinct. It’s not worth the effort to help them. If they can’t be bothered to feed themselves properly or reproduce, well tough shit.
I haven’t been jilted recently, I just resent those ursine sexual tourists. Where were the Pandas when the bombs were falling on London? Well exactly. No-one knows. They probably just spent 6 or 7 years discussing whether it was worth the effort to try and eat some leaves instead of bamboo. _ Hey, Ching! Let’s go to that hill over there, where the bamboo’s just sprouted!
_ OK Deng, and then we can go and try and score with some chicks!
_ Actually I’m not sure that I can be arsed, now that I think of it.
_ Neither can I. Let’s lie on our backs and suck bamboo twigs.
_ Cool, yeah, let’s do that! Females suck anyway. And I hate cubs.
It infuriates me to think about them.
Some years ago I was working for the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, and was acquianted with the Director of the National Zoo. He hated the pandas they had. Even though the Zoo had thousands of other animals, all the newspapers ever cared about were these dopey walking plush-toys and their pathetic and inadequate sex lives.
Thanks *Colibri, I knew that there must be some people who haven’t been conned by those Oriental bean bag bastards. I suppose that CITES prohibits trading panda products. What a blinkered attitude. It beggars belief, frankly.
Congratulations on the Most Irrational Rant of the Year award.
Let’s see… we destroy their habitat… hunt them for sport… capture and enslave them… and then force them to fuck?!? And YOU’RE bitching about THEM? I think I understand why Mr Panda can’t get it up. Sounds like a bad porn flick.
Firstly, the mating season is between March and May so if anyone is prurient about Panda Poking right now they are too Fucking Late. The OP is just not topical.
Secondly, the Panda’s natural habitat is 7,500 - 12,500 feet above sea level. This is the height at which it eats, and this is the height at which it mates. If someone can build a Zoo half way up Mount McKinley (20,320 ft.) then perhaps you will see some action.
Thirdly, I would not say that 27lb of Bamboo Shoots per day was an excessive quantity of Bamboo Shoots. 27lb is just a snack. A snack, I tell you.
Fourthly, this post has been submitted in the interests of balanced argument because I hate Pandas as well.
