Spawn of Satan bread slicing people!

The BBQ Pit
1

Well, here it is, Christmas morning.

The sun shines brightly off of yesterday’s snowfall. Birds chirp at each other while using the bird feeder in my tree. In the distance, I hear the laughter of children as they try out their new toys outside, oblivious to the cold due to sheer joy.

I savor my second cup of southern pecan flavored coffee while listen to the soothing sounds of Mannheim Steamroller through my new Advent speakers.

In a little while, I’ll be off to join my family for a day of relaxation, gossip, guitar playing, and board games.

Ahhhh…

But first, I’ll fix my own breakfast. Jimy Dean hot sausage, eggs sunny side up, and toast, light brown.

I get all the ingrediants out, place them in the proper order on my counter top, and open the new bread package to make the toast.

What is this? The… the heel…?

It’s… it’s. [gasp]… it’s paper thin?!?

NOOOO000000000oooooooooooooo…!!!

How could this happen?!?

It’s Christmas for God’s sake!

Oh how I love the heel slice of a loaf of bread, but what could this possibly be?

You can’t possibly make toast of it. It just becomes a burnt sliver of crust!

For, you see, the heel is the BEST part of the loaf! Oh, the way it holds up to the onslaught of butter. See how it protects your fingers from embryo goo as you sop up the yolk of the sunny side up eggs…

It’s crust on one side, bread innards on the other…
The perfect piece of bread.

I’ve lobbied the bread makers of the world to make all heel mini loafs… All I get are restraining orders and fines for public indecency. (Don’t ask)

So, now… Christmas is ruined. No family, no fun, no pretty snow, no laughing children.

All is evil now. Because of that Spawn of Satan guy who sets up the bread slicing machine in all the world’s bakeries.

After laying on the floor in a fetal position for an hour, I muster up enough inner strenght to post this…

And now… Now I must spend the rest of the day in my dark, chilly closet. Naked, lest I entertain any thoughts that are impure.

[whimper]

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ROFLMAO

3

i had the picture in my head of a loaf of bread slicing people in half before i opened this. perhaps i watch too much tv.

4

Christmas be damned! I’m heading out with my softball bat in search of breadmen! This must not be tolerated! Where is the outrage! Sit tight, NoClue, you WILL be avenged!oh wait, perhaps I should first put on some pants!

5

I feel your pain NoClueBoy, as I am also a lover of properly proportioned bread heels. I find them excellent for sopping up the last drops of egg or gravy, making a peanut butter snack or as a substitute for a hot dog bun.

What is worse than a paper-thin heel, however, is that abomination of the bread-slicer: the half-heel, where the end of the loaf was too rounded to produce a full heel, and you end up with a heel half the height of the loaf, followed by a full-width slice with crust on the top half. The half-heel is too small to be properly used, while the half-crusted slice lacks the solidity of a properly crusted heel.

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There is a solution you know. Bake your own bread. Then you can have your heels and slices exactly the thickness you want them! Plus you get the sensual pleasure of kneading the dough into a soft elastic mass, and watch it get bigger and bigger in the pan! Ohhhh baby.

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I give this thread a 10/10. High entertainment value.

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You can have my bread heels. I don’t like them. (I know that makes me evil in some sort of way, but I already knew that I was evil, and I’m okay with that.)

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Or you can just get your bread from a proper bakery, the kind that sells nice crusty loaves while they’re still warm, and do the slicing yourself.

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I take it you checked the other end of the bag?

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SHIT! :smack:

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Does your location change regularly, along with your mood? :wink:

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Well, now that I’m out of the closet…

Wait… Let me rephrase that. :smack:

Since I left the self imposed prison of my musty extra bedroom closet… (no innuendo… good. No, I’m not gay, but my ex GF might be… sorry, sorry…)

Too much liquor.

OK, got up, cleaned up, dressed, went out, found out I now have a bread making machine. Great. Now what?

Hi, Viva

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You have a bread making machine, make bread.
Simple problem, simple solution.

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Do not…I repeat…do not gaze upon the bread isle in your local store lest your eyes fall upon the greatest dis mankind has ever laid upon us crust loving homo sapiens…Crustless bread.

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Reeder, I have gouged my eyes out.

japatlgt, thou art pure and noble.

Baker, you’re sick! :wink:

lurk, ghandi, booker, lucas, FP, mange, global, (and any further posters)… Your labors are not in vain.

XWalrus2, wait til my next MPSIMS thread. :smiley:

VivaChich, you are now officially on my short list :stuck_out_tongue:

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Is that good or bad? :confused:

Well, I am only 5’3"…

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NoClueBoy…

Poor breakfast…all fouled up b/c of some arsewipe not slicing the bread properly. Ugh.

I have the same feeling about the “slicers” at Thomas’ (bagels)…could the slice be ANY more uneven…then I have to slice a thin layer off of the larger half so it will fit into, yes, a BAGEL toaster. Geeez.

BTW…good rant :smiley:

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Whoa! You mean you are supposed to eat that part?? I always thought they were on there to hold the rest of the loaf together, or something, sort of like that red stringy stuff around the edges of bologna. :stuck_out_tongue:

Although I do agree that crustless bread is an abomination. I guess it’s made for the same people that use that peanut butter cut into slices. shudder

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My query to this cadre of crusty homies is: for those like moi who like jewish rye bread, why does it only come with one heel? Who the hell has all of those other yummy rye heels tucked away?

I think the equal opportunity bread commission should investsigate this possible gastroethnic conspiracy immediately! :mad:

BTW-loved the original rant-the title was too intriguing to pass by.