My Midget is Dead!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I had thought of calling this thread “The day the Midget died”, but that might make you think it was about a deceased buddy of mine. I wasn’t friends with my midget. True, I used to love getting inside it and taking it for a ride, but that’s nothing abnormal. Heck, I used to invite friends to come with me - they’d get in the back (but they’d have to hold on when we got to the corners). I’d prefer to say I was fond of my midget - in fact, manys the time I’ve gone down beneath it and drain it dry, before removing it’s top and buffing it up with some wax and a chamois leather - I spent a lot of money on it.

Not as much money as I could have spent on it, but then I wouldn’t be writing this thread. Okay, I know, I know - I’m not writing this thread, I’m typing it, but it’s the same thing surely. Honestly! You wouldn’t think that Moses had this sort of problem with nit-picking when he came down the mountain with the ten commandments (incidentally, it was eleven originally, but the one about “Thou shalt not be a jerk” didn’t survive the trip).
I can just imagine the idolaters waiting for him to return…

Moses: Behold, I have brought the commandments of the Lord our God, which he has written down on these tablets of stone for us.

Idolater: That’s been engraved.

Moses: What?

Idolater: I said that’s been engraved. That’s not been written, otherwise it’d be done in ink.

2nd Idolater: Yeah! [There’s always a yes man in a large crowd]

1st Idolater: And why are they on such crummy stone?

2nd Idolater: Yeah! Why couldn’t he have done them on something more hard wearing…like lead?

1st Idolater: Or gold.

2nd Idolater: Ooo, that’s a good idea. Hey, Moses, go back up there and ask if he can put a copy onto gold for me. Purely for a keepsake, to help me remember them in my day to day life - one commandment per tablet should do.

3rd Idolater: I’d like mine on sapphire.

4th Idolater: Can he do one on chocolate.

[pause]

4th Idolater: What? I happen to like chocolate, thank you very much.

2nd Idolater: That sounds fair, I suppose.

1st Idolater: I wonder if he could sign mine? “To the number one Idolater in the whole of the promised land, God” - that’d be rather nifty…

Moses: Hold on. What do you think you’re doing? This isn’t some book-signing session, you know. God can’t spend all his time…

3rd Idolater: Or her!

Moses: [sigh]…or her time signing copies of the commandments, just so you can each have a copy. The important thing is what’s written…

1st Idolater: Engraved!

Moses: …on them. The ten commandments!

3rd Idolater: What’s the third one? “Hi Opal!”?

2nd Idolater: Good one! [gives high five to 3rd Idolater]

Moses: Look - These tablets are sacred…

1st Idolater: Oh, I see - a limited edition. Cunning! That’ll keep the price up.

Moses: …and they are to be kept in a suitable vessel. Thus it has been decreed that we should build an ark to house these tablets…

2nd Idolater: An ark?

4th Idolater: Is this going to be the same size as the one Noah built?

5th Idolater: When did that happen?

4th Idolater: Oh, some time back in Genesis, I think.

Moses: Not that sort of Ark. An ark two and a half cubits long, by one and a half, and one and a half cubits high.

3rd Idolater: Sorry, could you give that to us in metric?

Moses: Oh, I give up…[throws tablets on the ground in disgust]

2nd Idolater: Hey, you’ve broken them!

You can see what a farce that would have been, if people kept misconstruing what the prophets said. I mean we’d get poisoner being translated into witch, and people believing that God is homophobic - frankly I don’t think God is the least bit scared of homes.

Anyway, this thread isn’t called “The day the Midget died”, so that’s all fine and dandy. Dandy, as in very good, not ‘a man greatly concerned with smartness of dress’. No, this thread is called “My Midget is Dead!”, mainly because I thought the exclamation mark would be eye-catching, but also because it’s quite an accurate title.

So, my Midget is dead. After loosing the ability to shift it, I had it taken away for some specialists to look at it (at great personal expense) and they contacted me today. Well, yesterday actually, but I’ve not slept yet so I’ll pretend it’s today still.

Apparently it’s end has gone. Not only is a rod sticking through a disc, but bits are in dire peril of falling out of the bottom. There was some mention of replacing the rubber nipple casings - but I can’t remember whether that’s to do with the Midget, or with one of my magazine subscriptions. I’d have to spend several thousand pounds just to get it to be able to give me a ride, and then there would be a lot of cosmetic surgery needed, and I can’t afford that. So the car is effectively dead.

I mourn for my Midget.

I also mourn for the loss of the eleventh commandment.

Now all I need to do is find a cheap, reliable car to replace it…and a sucker to buy this one…
…anyone interested in a restoration project?

PT
[sub]Voted the sexiest man in my trousers, for the third consecutive year.[/sub]

2

Wow. I’m impressed. Not many people knew about the 11th commandment.

mmmmmmmmmm. . . .chocolate ten commandments. . . . .what?? cars??

3

Ha! You mean like this one?

I just sent the restorer a money order for two kilobucks. He said the other restorer started the engine and it sounds good. I thought, it being so old, that I would have to get a British Motor Heritage Trust body shell ($6,700 delivered to California) but the restorer said, “What? No that’s for rust-buckets; not for California cars. Don’t waste your money.” So for two grand I should have a driveable car and (bright red) upholstery. I still need to find out about the Old English White paint (inside and out). Then it will be another $1,600 for the wire wheel conversion (including five wheels, four two-wing spinners, a spinner hammer, and four hubs). And I’ll need a top. (Although I do have a near-new tonneau cover.) Oh, and that $2,000 overdrive transmission.

If your Midget is a chrome-bumper, I’d say restore it. If it’s a rubber-bumper, find another one. The rubber-bumper ones are cheap.

4

I would communicate with your midget dealer and let them know that you are unhappy.

I had a midget once . . . but she ran off with my best friend. It wasn’t a big deal really, although oddly my friend is a center in the National Basketball Association.

What angers me is that I am still getting the midget bill.

5

WOW what a great read…it was like a cross between Mel Brooks and Monty Python :smiley:

And sorry about your midget…mine will be visiting yours in the great beyond soon I am afraid… :frowning:

6

Woo-Hoo! A new Midget Thread from PT! The original remains one of the funniest threads ever.

7

That’s nothing.
My dwarf has herpes.

8

Johnny L.A., nice car and in better condition than my midget…unfortunately. Yes, my Midge (I was going to write Midget but I thought I’d save bandwidth by abbreviating it to Midge. It was going to be Mid. but that’s going a bit too far, don’t you think).

Sorry, I just realised I didn’t finish that last sentence. My Midget does have a nice pair of bumpers (nudge, nudge), and they are real - none of this rubber implant job. It’s thirty years old (as of last August) - heck, that’s older than me!

The problem is, if I want to restore it not only will I need to remove most of the back end - that’s back end, not bag end, ok? Enough Lotr threads around - I’ll also need to replace two tires, and various minor parts (including the brake pipe and the remains of the day…erm, clutch). If I get a whole new body for the Midget (only a small body - it being a Midget and all - direct from Fran Ken Styn’s Body shop) it would set me back £2500 - which in your money I make out to be just over three nickels. Although I might be wrong.

Now that’s a whole lot of money, and then I’d have to transfer all the innards from one body (the clapped-out original) into the brand new (straight from a supermodel) body. That’s where the time and/or expense comes in. It’s basically a rebuild.

I could just buy a new body and put my bike inside it…

Admiring passerby: Wow! Nice Midget - how does it go?

Me: [puff, pant] It goes like nothing you can imagine…fancy a spin?

…but I can’t afford the medical insurance necessary. As an impoverished (almost-ex) student I need a car now! (Stamps foot.) Otherwise I’m cycling to all my job interviews.

Now to address some other points in this thread:

NothingMan, I don’t have a Midget dealer - he couldn’t reach the table! - no, seriously the local Midget dealer must have huge hands, I mean I’ve got pretty big hands and I keep fumbling with Midgets when I try.

Willow_fire and Homebrew, thanks for your "Wow"s - I prefer cash, but just this once I’ll accept your compliments with good grace - sorry to hear about your Midget though, Willow. I’d agree about my last Midget thread, if it hadn’t been lost in the great post-purge (that’s unless someone has a copy of it, I didn’t keep one).

Czarcasm - huh? Dwarfs don’t exist. I think you’ve been watching too many Peter Jackson films. Mind you, your comment does remind me of an anecdote - my girlfriend was eating her lunch but didn’t want the vegetables…so she gave me herpes. [stoney silence]

[tumbleweed rolls past]

Ouch! Tough audience.

Anyway, I didn’t want this thread to develope into just another car thread - which is a pity since I’ve sort of shot myself in the foot what with the title and all.

Back to the Bible: I think I’ll get myself a Triumph Herald - that’s a nice biblical mode of transport.

For those who are thinking “Crumbs, PT doesn’t even know what the third commandment is - what a Putz!”, I shall enlighten you (just like Rue’s butt).

The third commandment is about not taking the Lord’s name in vain - which just shows the subtlety of all those ‘Hi Opals’. Obviously God’s true name is Opal. A type of car not often seen nowadays, might I add.

Watching my post, I can see that I’m dissolving into complete incoherency. This signals that it’s time to stop. Preview. And then get a cup of tea and sort out how to get my Midget back from the specialists so I can figure out the best way to get rid of it…

PT
[sub]In case you’d forgotten who was writing…typing this post[/sub]

9

How much is £2500? I guess it depends on the denomination. But if it were, say, twenties, then it would be considerably more than three nickles. I know this because I often have three nickles in my pocket, and they don’t weigh anything near £2500. Anyway, do don’t have to buy a body. I’m sure you can dig one up somewhere.

My parents had a convertible Triumph Herald when I was very, very young. I don’t remember it, except that it was red. But it used to be blue. I don’t remember that. Heralds are good because you can hear them coming.

I’ve had the third commandment wrong all of these years. I thought it was a warning not to take the lord’s name in vein. So I thought we weren’t supposed to melt him in a spoon, suck him up into a syringe, and shoot him into our arms. But then I got confused when people said “The lord is within you.” I thought, “How can the lord be within me when the third commandment specifically says not to melt him in a spoon, suck him up into a syringe, and inject him into my arm?” I don’t think I’ve eaten him.

A friend of mine has a website where he sells videos of midgets doing things with rear ends.

10

Johnny L.A., you are confused - if £2500 was twenties then it wouldn’t be £2500. I suppose we could say it was twenties, but that’s strsaying perilously close to stepping on God’s toes - that’s if God has toes, he (or she) might not. God might have looked at her/his work on the fifth day (probably a Thursday due to the original day of rest being a Saturday - but I bet God did time-an-a-half on Saturday, just because (s)he could, and bunked off on one of the other days) and thought that whale tails looked cool, and swapped his/her legs for one of those.

This would have upset quite a lot of the rennaisance artists though, so (s)he probably turned it back at some point (I’m guessing before making man in his (or her) own image).

Anyway - avoiding the whole issue of stepping on God’s toes (which would probably only happen if you happened to be dancing with God, and didn’t quite know the steps) I fear that you are confusing £s with lbs. The first is a squiggly symbol used to denote (back in ancient times - when 's’s were 'f’s, 'j’s were 'i’s and 'i’s 'y’s, although not all the 'j’s became 'y’s 'cos that would be confusing) a pound in weight of gold[please note, this could be wrong, but I’m counting on some doper to correct me on this, if it is] and the second is a symbol used to denote a pound in weight of something, say gold, for example. See?

My Midget used to be red - I found this out where the outer skin has been scraped off - and it is now blue. This might be because it’s quite cold here at the moment.

Glad to correct you on the third commandment, I know these things are tricky - take the plagues of Eygpt for example. Nowhere does it mention the plague of tourists! and as for Psalm 56 - I cannot believe that God would have had time to have “kept count of my tossings” (verse 8 - although it’s the third ‘verse’ of the psalm, if you think about it).

Might I point your friend towards some of the websites I have perused, where there are videos of people fiddling about with the rear ends of Midgets?

Anyway, it’s time to go and find a friend who can help me drag my Midget back home…

PT

11

I am officially smitten. Granted, it takes so little - a Midget, some humor, biblical references - my knees are weak and I may swoon.

12

Oh, gee Beckwall, I’m all embarrassed now. [blushes] Thanks – all I need to do is find a bible quote about a midget telling a joke…

…hmm, okay – easier said than done. I’ve found the truth about the UK pop star popstar, Darius [sub]Haggai, chapter 2 “Darius the King”[/sub], but nowt about midgets.

Unless, that is, you go to the often ignored book, Homunculus, slated by King James, Gideon and RSV. Personally I think that’s a shame, but I don’t compile these things.

Homunculus
Chapter 12, Verses 18-23
“[sup]18[/sup]Ezerathiah begat Meeshi’it, whom he called Thomas, for he was sorely forgetful, [sup]19[/sup]And he was mightily vexed, for Thomas was of diminished stature. [sup]20[/sup]And it came to pass that Ezerathiah begat Ashob, Hermione and Anutherun who were all of great stature. [sup]21[/sup]Ezerathiah sent Thomas off to the Crudites, and there he dwelt and lived off raw vegetables, [sup]22[/sup] And Thomas grew big, in head, and strong, and resolved to return and claim his rightful inheritance. [sup]23[/sup]Thomas returned to his father and challenged him forthwith…”

The book of Homunculus contains lots of interesting stuff, which the Church fathers deemed to be too controversial or just plain weird (for example the parable of the loose woman and the burning bush, or the whole of Chapter 8, which deals with voting procedures in Chad). Luckily I have a copy of it, albeit slightly dog-eared and written in the original Flemish.

Back to the topic of the thread, I was wondering if anyone had a good suggestion for a new car for me? Something reliable and cheap would be good - failing that, something eye-catching and completely impractical which will attract the birds[sub]in the same way that a newly washed, white car does[/sub].

PT
Incidentally, Verse 24 reads “…whereupon Ezerathiah whopped Thomas’s arse”.