Of all the trees in all the driveways in all the world, they had to roost in mine. Why, oh why, are they here, instead of wherever the fuck they were three days ago? Why is my car covered with enough bird splatterings that I’m negotiating with multiple agricultural conglomerates to become their primary fertilizer supplier? Even as I write, their inane twitterings are floating in through the open window. My heart is turning dark with anger, and my fists tremble with pennipotenticidal rage. I have tried rocks, sticks, half-full cans of soda, and impotent shouting. Still, the flock remains. YOU GODDAMN AVIAN HELLHOUNDS! GO FLY INTO A WINDOW SOMEWHERE!
Maybe they have nests in those trees. I could climb up there and stuff borax into the gaping maws of the birds’ revolting, sightless progeny until they explode in a spray of blood and chickfuzz. Maybe then their shitfarming parents would go away. God, I wish I had a pellet gun.
I feel your pain, but somehow that is the funniest rant I’ve read in days.
gropes around for a constructive suggestion, pulls one out of ass
Um, see if you can identify the species. Then do a bit of surfing and try finding out what, if anything, has worked to get rid of them in the past. Or maybe you’ll find out that their presence is temporary and they’ll be moving on shortly?
Very succinct yet entertaining rant, I give it a 10.
According to John Wiseman’s “The SAS Survival Handbook”, the best way to trap songbirds is to tie a large number of small slipknotted loops along the length of a stick and place it in the tree. One of the birds puts a foot through the loop, pulls it tight, starts squawking, and the other birds gather around to see what’s going on, which causes more of them to get trapped, etc.
Now, what you’re going to do with your sticks full of birds after that is beyond me, but doesn’t that sound like a fun way to spend an afternoon?
Gasp! 2trew, songbirds are becoming endangered in some parts of the US. (Cite? Ummm, I read it in a couple of places… oh look–something shiny!). As the possessor of a sometimes bird poo magnet, I sympathize though. Poor Neuroman, have you tried your local bird people? Bird watchers, enthusiasts, neighborhood bird kook, any of them might be able to give you ideas about how to move your guests out of the tree.
Well it’s time to close the window and turn on some Mozart for a few days then. Wash your car.
The birds arrived a couple of days ago, I’m sure they will be gone soon.
It’s the anti-wildlife mindset that aggrivates me.
“There’s a goddamn squirrel in my yard!” [runs outside and chases squirrel with a shovel].
“There’s a fucking flock of birds in my tree! I’m gonna throw shit at them. I’m gonna smear the tree with chemicals. I’m gonna fucking blow their heads off!!”
Sit back and enjoy nature in your yard for once you nimrod!
Any love I might have had for squirrels was erased when one took up residence in my wall and spent his evenings scratching through the wall. Fucking squirrels.
How can we be sure that neuroman isn’t just channeling GuanoLad?
Go buy one of those tarpaulin canopies with the aluminum poles and erect it over your car. DO NOT harm the birds, they are protected by law. If the tree is on your property and you are the property owner, you may have the right to set up some sort of noisemaker which will chase them away. Since the foul fowl are breeding, this currently may not be an option. I’d go get the canopy.
Another option exists if there is a local carwash that has an ‘all you can wash’ sort of club card. There is one here in Silicon Valley, that for a modest fee, allows you to run your car through their automated carwash however many times you want per month. You may wish to consider this if you don’t go for the canopy. Beware, the chemical content of fresh guano can etch certain paints.
You could try going out under the tree and banging a big metal pot with a wooden spoon. A neighbor of ours did this in Kentucky. Makes a hell of a racket and scares the birds into dumping what’s left in their bowels all at once. Doesn’t frighten them into leaving and pisses off everybody within a couple of blocks, but you may find some entertainment value in it. Ditto fireworks, loud music etc.
Or you could go out there wearing a Donald Rumsfeld mask.
Neuroman, you remind me of something my son and I saw today that tickled us. We were returning home (from the carwash actually - prom is tonight and he didn’t want to pick his date up in a poop-splattered car!) and passed a man on the sidewalk waving his arms to scare away some birds pecking on the lawn several feet away. We wondered how in the world those birds could have been bothering that old man.
I, myself, do all I can to attract songbirds. I have no less that 5 feeders on my patio, all filled with different goodies to attract a variety of the little critters. I love them. I just wash the poop off.
I think the birds were grackles or starlings or some other such worthless species. They seem to have temporarily abandoned their post, much to my relief, but they pulled the same disappearing act the last couple of days, only to return the next morning. My car got a fresh wash this afternoon. It’s bright, shiny, guano-free, and parked safely on the street.
Triss, I’m hoping that they are indeed interlopers and I don’t actually have to put any effort into getting rid of them. I checked for nests this afternoon and I didn’t notice any. Nice link, BTW. It had this to say about “feral pigeon control” (emphasis mine):
Heh heh.
Fingolfin, I’m not against wildlife in the yard, just against birds making my automobile into their own personal Vieques and driving me to the very brink of insanity with their twittering.
Fireworks, eh, Jackmannii? If and when they do return, I do have a few dozen leftover bottle rockets in the back closet that I’ve been itching to get rid of…
"When they see us coming the birdies all try and hide/But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide… Tom Lehrer, from “Poisoning the Pigeons in the Park”
A few months ago I would have rolled my eyes and said “Oh, come on- how bad could it be?” Then I moved from rural NY where we had birds aplenty (I thought) to a thickly treed area of NC. These birds start when I get up in the morning (5am) and go all day- LOUDLY. I don’t know what they are, but they’re going all the time- they just seem to love these trees and there are tons and tons of them. Sometimes it’s great- I love birds and I have a carport, so no bird crap issues, but sometimes it just makes me crazy when I want to have a nap in the afternoon or read on my porch.
Ah well- such is nature. I wouldn’t trade it, but sometimes I just wish they’d take a break.
