Ok, everybody else pours out their lives here, so what the heck.
Actually, I’m not so interested in that aspect, but I need to explain so you’ll all understand my question.
My grandfather was diagnosed today with untreatable, terminal pancreatic cancer. He was given less than two weeks to live.
He’s had a long life – he’s 88 years old or so. He’s gotten to see children, grandchildren, and a couple great grandchildren.
It is about one of those great grandchildren that I have a question, in case anybody here has dealt with it before.
When it happens, how do I explain his death to my 3 1/2 year old son?
He knows great-grandpa has been sick. He doesn’t see him much, as great-grandpa lives in another state, but has seen him as recently as October and certainly knows who he is. He tried to talk to him on the phone a couple times recently (my grandfather is mostly deaf and not terribly successful at hearing a small voice on the phone).
So what do I tell him?
(Oh, and for those who perhaps don’t know me very well, please don’t suggest anything about great-grandpa being in heaven or the like. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment, but, well, you can see what I think in Great Debates.)
I’m not a parent, but from what I’ve read on the subject:
With a child your age, you can explain to them what death is. Say “Great-grandfather is dead and won’t come back.” Gently explain that no magic will bring him back, and that it’s not his fault (or anybody’s fault) if he died.
If other people tell him Great-grandfather is in heaven, just say that other people like to believe that, but you personally think/know it’s not true.
David – When my own children (daughter age 4, son age 7) lost their great-grandmother last summer, I was very matter of fact about it. I tried to explain that people grow very old, and get very tired, and one day just go to sleep and don’t ever wake up again.
My son, ever the canny analyst, said, “So, she’s dead, right?” whereupon my daughter burst into tears. It took me a few days and a lot of cuddling on the couch with bowls of popcorn to realize that the biggest problem the both of them (and especially the younger) had with the idea of death was something I didn’t expect, but should have.
They were perfectly willing to accept that their great-grandmother was gone, though they were sad and would miss her. But the realization of death turned both of their thoughts exactly where one would expect – to themselves. The reassurance they needed most was that I (being ‘very old’ in their eyes) wasn’t going to be leaving them.
I found that it isn’t the idea of death itself that bothers children as much as it raises the spectre of their worst fear, which is the loss of a parent.
Dr. Watson
“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”
You could try explaining that he has gone away and go from the angle that you have wonderful memories to share and keep with you always.
If you make it too complicated your son wont understand and you would probably like him to have good memories.
My sister took the straight approach saying that grandma had died and her daughter was stressed out for months (she was 5) thinking she was going to die.
We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another
"I guess you noticed how sad your mom and I have been when we were talking about Great Grandpa. I want to tell you about him, so you can understand why we are sad, and what we will do now. You see, Great Grandpa was born a very long time ago. You were born just three and a half years ago. I was born twenty seven years ago, (this many.) Grandpa is my father, and he was born fifty six years ago. (This many.) Great Grandpa was his father, and he was born eighty eight years ago. He had a very long life.
People are alive, and they are different from things that are not alive, like books, or rocks. After they live a long time, they die. After that, they are not alive any more. The people who knew them, and loved them are sad, at first. Great Grandpa died, Saturday. We remember him, and even though we are sad that he is dead, we are glad we knew him, and we remember him. After a while, we will think more about how much we loved him, and less about how sad we are that he is not with us any more."
“Yes, other people die, too. That makes people scared sometimes. They think about someone dying, or about dying themselves, and it makes them scared. But people live a long time, and dying is only the end of their life. They have lots of time to be happy while they live.”
“No, I am not dying. I am fine. So are you. Would you hold on to me for a while, while I am sad about Great Grandpa? Thanks.”
{{{{{{{{{David}}}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry to hear about this – you have my sympathies.
I don’t think that I can suggest anything better than Tris has. At 3 1/2, this is probably not going to make that big an impact on your son; it is unlikely that he will have more than a hazy memory of his great-grandfather in a year. My Youngest Son was also 3 1/2 when we lost a beloved elderly family member. He is now almost ten and he likes to hear stories about Great-Aunt Leona, and how much she loved him.
After doing what Tris suggests, I would remind your son about the love that great-grandpa both had and gave (assuming this is all true, of course), and I would have him think of his favorite things about great-grandpa. So long as great-grandpa is remembered in your heart, and in your memory, he lives on.
And that’s all you really have to do with a child that age.
I’m hoping this doesn’t end up sounding tacky, because at first it isn’t about the loss of a human. It is, however, relevant.
Last April, as some of you know from board posts, my 10+ year old black cat had a massive seizure and died in my lap. Heather was 2 1/1 at the time, and was in the room with me. She was clinging to my shoulder when he died. She sat there with me as I cried, and petted him too while we waited for Lance to show up.
When the crying stopped, I tried to explain to her what had happened. Her 7 year old sister apparently understood, and she still cries every now and then because she misses the cat. I wish I could remember exactly what I said, but I wasn’t exactly coherent under the circumstances.
Whatever it was that I said about him being sick, and old, and aging and death, the little one listened.
A few months later, I had a really bad reaction to penicillin, and ended up in the emergency room. I still remember hearing Heather sniffling: “Is Mommy gonna die?”
Little ones, while they may not understand entirely, will pick up enough so that they’re not totally lost.
I really can’t add to the collective wisdom posted above, but wanted to extend my sympathy as well.
One suggestion I have would be to go to a children’s bookstore or library & ask about age-appropriate books for your son. Sometimes, dealing with fictional characters makes emotionally charged issues easier for adults to manage on the matter-of-fact level necessary for your son’s age.
I seem to remember Sesame Street having a book out about Mr. Hooper dying, but have no idea if that’s still available. Talk to a librarian & see if they can help.
Sue from El Paso
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
I have nothing at all to add to the eloquent words above, except to second Sue’s suggestion to look for some good children’s books. Words are important, but can be absorbed imperfectly. Books are concrete, and can be gone over a number of times, with more understood upon each repetition.
I haven’t had to face this myself yet, but I imagine that if you use analogies, like death being like going to sleep or the stages of life being like the seasons of the year, that you just be careful not to leave the impression that falling asleep or winter coming means that death is near.
This strikes me as definitely the sort of conversation to have with a small person on your lap, wrapped in your arms.
My son, who is 9, has had a very difficult time with it, but is now starting to get a bit better. The nightmares, at least, are starting to stop. All I’ve been able to do is to keep talking to him, and trying to reassure him.
Like you mentioned above, I did not go into the “heaven” sentiment with my son, what I tried to focus on was that his Grandfather wasn’t in pain anymore (he had been ill). It’s hard to explain the whole thing to a 9 year old - I honestly can’t tell you how I’d handle it with a 3 1/2 year old.
In my son’s case, he began to be afraid that I (and a lot of other people he was close to) would die, hence, the nightmares, and its been tough. Through a lot of talking, listening, reading, and just plain love, we’re getting through it.
I have a letter from a friend of mine that mentions some books that deal with helping a child through grief; when I go home tonight, I’ll try to find it and email you the names.
David, as others have made good suggestions (Tris nearly made me cry) and I really don’t have anything to add, I just want to offer my sympathy to you and your family. You’re in my thoughts today.
“…being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.”
First, allow me to offer my best wishes for your grandfather’s recovery, however unlikely the doctors say it may be. (I don’t believe in issuing condolences until the heart stops beating.)
Truth to tell, I like the way Tris phrased it. I was trying to think of some way to explain death to a child in a benign way that doesn’t include religious terms (knowing your personal feelings in that regard), but to be honest, it’s darned hard. (I guess you knew that.) Go with what Tris said.
“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. I had not even considered the possibility that he might be afraid of death (for either himself or us) because of this, and now I can take that into account as well.
I will probably go out today or tomorrow and look for books on the subject, as several of you suggested.
He has already picked up on something going on, since he noticed that I was upset last night when I found out. Amazing how kids can pick up on things no matter how well you think you hide them…
My kids range from 3 - 8 years old. Here’s a personal anecdote, FWIW. A few months ago we went to visit one of my elderly aunts. She was very ill and clearly would not live much longer. I took that opportunity to talk to the kids about aging and disease. They asked many questions. I answered as honestly as I knew how, trying to be gentle while not pulling punches and never, never lying.
A few weeks later my aunt died. We took the kids to the funeral home for the viewing. None were skittish, in fact they all wanted to look in the casket. At their age it was probably more out of curiosity than anything else, but I obliged. Again they asked many questions, and I answered about death in the same manner I answered about aging and disease. They understood much more than I would have given them credit for - even the 3 year old - and now have a good working knowlege of life and death. They saw Aunt Vera alive and a few weeks later they saw her dead. Certainly not the easiest lesson to teach or understand, but a valuable lesson nontheless.
BTW - I personally do not use phrases like “passed away” or “sleeping”. In my book dead is dead and that’s what I call it.
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik
If it eases your mind any: My Grandma died when I was three. I don’t remember anything about it at all. I have “known” this all my life and it has never bothered me (other than the fact that I didn’t really get to know her). My mother told me that I didn’t cry or feel sad because I didn’t know what “dead” was.
White Wolf
Sometimes sanity takes vacation time on me. - Savage Garden
David, you have my condolences. My father-in-law and my grandmother both died last year, due to cancer.
My oldest child is almost three. We went to Arkansas last spring to visit my father-in-law, so she got to see him while he was still alive. He died three weeks later. We didn’t really even try to explain it to her. We live in Michigan, and we knew she’d have little or no memory of seeing him. She does remember a little bit–hearing her grandpa play his fiddle, while she danced. Someday she’ll ask about him, and we’ll explain that Grandpa was very sick, his body couldn’t fight it anymore, and he died. But if the only memory my daughter ever has of her Grandpa is of him & his fiddle, well, that’s fine with me.
My husband has another son, who is now six. He went with us on that trip to Arkansas, too. Telling him that his Grandpa died was very, very hard. He took it well, though. He cried, and was very upset, but he seemed to get over the grief pretty quickly. I think it was because he had seen his Grandpa, and knew just how sick he was. We were honest with him about his Grandpa’s illness. One of the first things my stepson said after we told him that Grandpa was dead was “So he doesn’t hurt anymore?” My husband and stepson are both Christian, so the heaven aspect helped alot.
Be honest with the kids now, before he dies. Let the ones that can understand know that he is quite ill. It will be hard for them, but in the long run, they’ll have a better idea as to why this happened.
You’re in my thoughts.
“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage.” --anonymous redhead
My cousin died when he was thirteen and I was four. He had had leukemia since before I was born, so I never knew him as a well person. My mom says he was a little tyrant, but he was always nice to me. Anyway, my mom explained about death in much the same way that Tris did, but without sentiment. Some time after that, I had rubella, and when my mom announced that we were going to the hospital, I was terrified. I had been okay with doctor’s office visits, but my cousin’s experience had left me with the belief that if you went to the hospital, you were going to die. So I would recommend also telling him that being sick doesn’t mean a death sentence.
Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green
Sorry for your troubles, David. I can’t improve on any of the recommendations in this thread. I do have a suggestion for a children’s book on death, however. The 10th Good thing About Barney by Judith Viorst. The Barney of the title is a cat, but it’s a good (and unreligious) treatment of the concept. If you came into the bookstore where I work, it’s the one I’d recommend. Best wishes to you and your family.
Sorry about your grandpa, David. I would humbly suggest that you think about not bringing your son to an open-casket service. I’ve seen a couple of children get very upset and confused b/c it looks like grandma’s just sleeping. Nothing is more heartbreaking than hearing a child say,“Why won’t he wake up?”
Some people think you should let them “face” death, but I’m a firm believer in insulating a young child from the harsh realities of life until they’re older, if you can help it.