My mother died today, after a tough fight with cancer.
Well prepared as my sister and I were for the end, I still have to break the news to my three kids their nan has passed away.
I am quite confident of how I can tell my two boys, 8 and 10, but my 4 year old daughter… that’s a different matter.
Does anyone have any suggestions, or any experience in, explainging what has happened to a very “young” 4 year old?
mm
I believe my niece was 5 when my mom died. My sister explained in simple terms. “Grandma has died. She won’t be coming back but we can remember how nice she was and how much we loved her” or something along those lines. She was too young to really get it.
You will see your little kid reacting to your grief, but they get past it very quickly, regardless of their relationship with the deceased.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Personally, I’d probably use the storyline from some religion or another - “Nan is with God now, and she’ll be watching over you forever.” I figure that’s what religion is really good for. She may reject religion/God/whatever entirely later, but it’ll give her some peace and comfort now & I don’t think that’s a betrayal on your part.
Watch out for the “went to sleep & isn’t waking up” analogy - I’ve heard that scares some kids into never wanting to go to bed again.
You don’t have to deal with it all in one session.
Part of how you handle it will depend on your personal beliefs (if any). Personally, I would generically advise starting the conversation with something like:
“I’m afraid I have some sad news; grandma was very ill and she has died. Do you understand what that means?”
-Then play it by ear.
If religious-type questions come up, and you’re uncomfortable with them, or simply don’t want to impose or endorse them, you can still discuss them in a ‘well, some people believe…’ framework.
So sorry for your loss. My father-in-law died last month (of cancer, too), and we have a four-year-old daughter. SmithWife got some literature from Hospice, which was helpful, and they offer counseling as well. We also picked up a couple of books - a bedtime story called “What is Heaven” (or something like that). The main thing, I think, is not using euphamisms about death like “sleeping” or somesuch, and to make sure kids understand that it’s permanent (that’s the hardest part, I think).
The Hospice web site is http://www.hospicefoundation.org/ (I hope it’s ok to link them). Good luck. /w
Sorry that I tried answering the question at the expense of offering condolences. I’m sorry to hear of your loss.
I also forgot to add that "Am I going to die?’ is quite likely to come up in the conversation and you’ll need to find a decent answer for it; “No, definitely not” is obviously just an outright lie, so maybe something like “All living things die eventually, but you’ve got a whole lifetime to live before you need to worry about that”
We lost our second child at 6 weeks old when our oldest daughter was 3 (now 4). She is still really torn up about it and cries about it every 3rd night or so. She definitely understands what it means all too clearly and she now has a preoccupation with death which has come all too young to in my view. She has ask us when she will die many times and I have had to explain about probability and the wonders of modern medicine.
I don’t have a good solution but don’t assume that she won’t understand if you lay things out clearly.
As the others, I am very sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to manage your own grief when you have kids to think of, but that’s just the way life goes. Take care of yourself honestly and openly, and it will teach the kids how to take care of themselves. Don’t be afraid to cry, or to not cry, in front of them - just take it naturally and honestly.
Listen to them. Don’t over-answer. A 4 year old who asks, “Where did she go?” doesn’t need a long essay on comparative religion. Mention a couple of ideas, then ask her what she thinks. Let her talk. With my son, it went something like this: “Some people think Grandpa is in heaven with god. Other people think he’ll be born again as a tiny baby, but he won’t remember who he was. Everyone has a different idea, but nobody knows for sure. What’s your idea?”
Don’t be surprised if she wants to know some nitty gritty about what happens to your mother’s body. Answer as simply and honestly as you can, and wait for more questions. “The people at the funeral home are going to clean her body and put her favorite dress on it so she looks nice when everyone comes to say goodbye.” When she stops asking questions, she’s absorbed as much as she can for the moment.
Don’t be afraid to ask someone else to handle her for a bit. Tell her, “I love you very much, but I’m very sad right now and want to be with Mama and Grandpa for grown-up talk. I will play with you later, when I’m not feeling so sad.”
Kids know about death. They see bugs die. Their stories contain lots of deaths, animals and humans.
“Granny died last night. If you want to ask me anything about it, please do, now or later.”
No need for the adult concerns about whether it was in her sleep, if there was pain, if anyone pulled a plug at some point.
And for sure there is no need to reassure kids about meetings in heaven or anything like that. Raising those things just creates a stream of artificial questions that kids never worry about.
My condolences to you and your family.
Be honest. Tell her what has happened and how you are feeling. Expect that her reactions may be different than that of an older person. She may not fully understand what has happened for some time, but she’ll “process” it at her own speed.
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The others hit it - both in offering their condolences and recommending the straightforwardapproach. I never saw the need to hide a whole bunch of things from my kids, and they generally were capable and appreciative of receiving the essentially unvarnished truth.
Didn’t your kid know your mom was sick? As such, her death ought not to be exactly a surprise. My take was to tell my kids that since everyone and everything eventually dies, it emphasizes the impotance of loving and appreciating them while they are alive.
My wife and I are both atheists, so when asked we told our kids that their elderly relatives, pets, etc. were dead and gone. IMO made it easier than trying to explain why they were “better off” somewhere else, etc.
My condolences for your loss and the loss to your family.
I would like to add at least one thing to the excellent advice given here: my own child processed the news of his grandfather’s death at the same asge in much the same way that he ate back then: frequently and in very small amounts. It came up often. A long discussion never did happen and the book never closed on the subject; it was a very long series of very short conversations.
Also, a four year old more than an older child will be responding as much to what she sees as what is said to her. Her mourning is also about the mourning of the rest of the family which she also is unlikely to really understand so it is good to talk a lot about that too. She will learn more about it from what she sees and what she hears people say than from what is said to her.
My father-in-law died about four months ago. My son was four (he’s since turned five).
We are practicing Catholics, so we had no dilemmas about saying that Ito (his favorite term for his grandfather, abuelito, shortened to 'Ito") is with God in heaven now. He accepted that without comment until we actually got to the cemetary, and then he demanded to know how it was that Ito was in Heaven if he was in the grave. So I tried to explain “souls” and – my son being a very bright kid - he got it right away.
My condolences on your loss. That is a very difficult loss to handle.
Someone else touched on the possibility that your daughter will ask if she is going to die, too, and the suggested response is a very good one. She may well also be afraid at some point that you will go away, too, and a similar response that you are not immortal either, but plan to be there for a long, long time will be what she’s looking for.
Some children are surprisingly matter-of-fact about such things unless the grownups are hysterical. They will definitely pick up on what the mood of the adults is.
Good point. And, strange though it may sound, some kids are comforted by hearing what plans you’ve made for them if something does happen to you and/or their mom*. I never would have guessed it, but my goddaughter was really upset and couldn’t accept, “Mom and Dad won’t die for a long time” or any of that. What finally consoled her was, “You know, if your mom and dad do die before you’re all grown up, they’ve asked me to take care of you. Does that work for you?” She had been worried about herself and what would happen to her if they died. Kids are very self-centered sometimes, as I think they should be.
*You have made such plans, right? And put it in writing?
You may find this classic from Sesame Street helpful: http://youtube.com/watch?v=GaXiWgDU4i0
The grown ups explain to Big Bird that Mr. Hooper is dead but that they can always remember him.
I recently ran into this problem, and I’m not a parent.
My friend has a five year old, who I adore. I’m almost like an aunt to her. I take her out a lot - to McDonalds, up to Virginia City to tourist it up, or just to my house to play video games.
Well, between my parents house (they’re “Grandma KK and Grandpa Gonzo”), and McDonalds, there’s a cemetery that has obvious headstones. The little girl has never had to deal with death before, so she had no idea what they were.
“What’s with the stones, Tasha?”
Well, I’m not going to lie to her. “Those are headstones, Bella.”
Well, it went on from there - I explained to her that headstones mark the graves of people who have died. Being in the newspaper business I don’t use the phrase “passed on” very often, and that’s what has been used around her, so I had to explain the entire concept of death to her. I told her that everyone is alive and after they’re done living, they aren’t alive anymore - that’s death. She’s a quick one, though, so she got that. Then she was quiet for a while while she ate her hamburger.
“Tasha, are you going to die?” “Some day.” “When?” Then I had to explain to her that the problem with death is that you can’t predict when it’s going to happen. She didn’t like that, but she accepted it. Then she asked me if she was going to die. “Everyone has to die some day, Bella. Nothing lives forever.”
She was very upset for a while, not because she would die, but because she thought her mom would replace her with another kid, like a pet. I explained to her, calmly, that most likely by the time she died she wouldn’t be little anymore, and her mom would either not be able to have kids, or have died herself. Oddly, she wasn’t as upset at the concept of her mother dying as she was of her mother replacing her.
Well, she seemed to have handled it well so we dropped it. I warned my friend of what had happened but nothing weird went on, and we all pretty much figured Bella had put it out of her head.
Well, a few weeks later a soldier from our area died in Iraq - the first one from our area. I had to film some of the funeral procession and the counter-protest (the Phelps gang threatened to show up) for work, and my friend wanted to come - she and Bella wanted to stand across the place his service was going to be at with an American flag. So I brought them with me.
Well, we get to the actual cemetery because I’m filming the community response, and Bella bursts into tears.
“What’s wrong?” My friend asks her. Bella looks at me accusingly. “You didn’t tell me there would be stones!”
We’d been talking about how the soldier had died in Iraq, and had explained the concept of bravery to her, but she hadn’t grasped that he was really dead until she saw the headstones. 
I know it’s a long story, but there’s a point to it - kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for. Your daughter isn’t much older than my friend’s daughter. She’ll be sad, and scared for a while - you’ll probably have to deal with a few sleepless nights. But she’ll get it, and she’ll pick herself up from it (with the help of yourself, of course).
While I’m at it, I’m very, very sorry for your loss. I hope ya’ll get through this alright.
~Tasha