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  #1  
Old 07-10-2003, 02:28 PM
McLeo McLeo is offline
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Kicking their kids out of the house when they turn 18 - I don't get it

I made this thread mainly due to a pit thread saying how there is nothing wrong with living with your parents. There is something that really bothers me, why do a lot of parents kick their kids out of their homes when they turn 18? Now, I understand that a person is considered to be an independent when they turn 18, but that does NOT justify in parents kicking their kids out of the house when they turned 18. This is ESPECIALLY when the kids are still in school and cannot fully support themselves yet. It doesn't make any sense to me.

Okay, so the kid graduates highschool at 18, then they are expected to move out of the house and find a place to live, get a job, and go to school if they decide to. Does anyone see the problem with this? How can a highschool graduate possibly do this? I know in some cases this does work out but most of the time it doesn't. Either the kid is working minimum wage at mcdonald's part time and going to school, or they are working full time at mcdonald's, and in both cases barely or not at all making their needs met.

The parents have raised their child for 18 years, isn't there love between them that they wouldn't bear to see their children suffer like that? Why must they kick them out of the house on their 18th birthday? How can that possibly give them the chance to have a good future? Also, another similar point is that, why won't the parents pay for their children's post highschool education when they can afford to? By making them have a part time job while going to school, it would just take their time away from their studies and cause them to have bad grades, or maybe even failing out.

In regards to the other post, a poster said that at 18 the kid should get out, because if they don't, they are mooching. Please explain why this is to me. From observation, I see that it is mostly white families that do this. I am of asian descent, and the way for us is that, the parents are to support their children until they can fully support themselves, no matter how old they are. They will not let their children live out in the streets, and they will pay for their education if they can afford it so that the kids can concentrate their time on their studies and have a good future. They might even discourage their kids into getting a part time job. I'm 20 and going into my third year of university, and 100% of my friends that are of asian descent live with their parents while not at school (since the school is far from where we live, our parents pay for our on/off campus housing). Most asian families are very family oriented, and no parents would EVER kick their kids out of the house. In fact, they would love it if they can live with their children even after they get married and have kids. It would even seem ABSURD to my friends if I was kicked out of the house and have to support myself when I'm still in school. Does anyone agree with me or does it just make me seem like i'm a spoiled brat? Also note that I know there are many exceptions, but this is just the general observation that I see.
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  #2  
Old 07-10-2003, 03:00 PM
friedo friedo is online now
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I hate kids. If I ever create one, I'm sure I'll be sick of him by the time he's seven or eight.

Better get on with that book-learnin!
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  #3  
Old 07-10-2003, 03:04 PM
dragongirl dragongirl is offline
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I think it depends on the situation with the kid.

Almost everyone I know, stayed with their family until they were ready to go out on their own. The kids I know who got tossed out, refused to be responsible for anything. They wanted to stay home, not work, not go to school and not even clean up after themselves. The parents didn't see any other way but to try and force them to get a life.

I don't think having a part time job to pay for school is a bad thing. It's very expensive and if my children choose to go to college, I expect them to work part time.
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Old 07-10-2003, 03:04 PM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is online now
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"A lot of parents" kick their kids out? What do you mean by "a lot"? My daughter turned 18 and I don't know of any of her friends that have been kicked out reaching that age.

I'm sure it happens occasionally, but it's hardly the norm (unless you consider sending the kid off to college as "kicking them out").
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  #5  
Old 07-10-2003, 03:42 PM
romansperson romansperson is offline
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Where it grew up, it was pretty traditional for 18 year-old males to move out on their own. They weren't exactly "kicked out" (unless, like dragongirl mentioned, they were causing trouble and/or just lying around the house doing nothing), but it was just expected that once you reached the age of majority, it was time to support yourself. I'm 41, and I grew up in a mostly blue-collar area. Most fathers of that time and place had either gotten jobs in factories or joined the military once they were 18 - college was not a consideration. I'm sure they felt since they did fine with that path, their kids would too. Of course things are different now - back then you could get a decent-paying job in manufacturing without a college degree. This is much less true now, but I wouldn't be surprised if that tradition still gets passed on in that area.

Girls were different - non-college bound girls were actually expected to stay home until they got married. It was considered inappropriate for a girl to live in an apartment by herself by many families.

I knew quite a few boys who decided to buck the trend and go to college with pretty much no help at all from their families. My high school boyfriend was one of them. He joined the Army Reserve to help pay for college. It also gave him a place to stay in the summers - the minute he moved out his parents moved into his room (it was the biggest bedroom in the house - at one time he shared it with two of his brothers), moved his younger brother into their room, and turned the smallest bedroom into a sewing room for his mom. As far as they were concerned, he was done living at home. My best friend's boyfriend went to school all year round because his parents were poor and still had younger kids at home to support, plus there were no jobs in the rural town he was from, so even if they'd wanted him to come back for summers it really wouldn't have made any sense.

My parents, on the other hand, were completely different. While my dad joined the Army right after high school, he ended up earning a master's degree on the GI Bill, and my mom has a master's also. So they pretty much expected me to go to college, and were prepared for me to be at home, at least at times, up until I was 22. I don't think they would have minded if I'd stuck around longer. They left that part up to me, though, and after graduation I moved out.
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Old 07-10-2003, 03:46 PM
dangermom dangermom is offline
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I can't think of anyone who's been 'kicked out' at 18. Lots of people have to at least partially support themselves through college, but that's not hostility from parents, it's economic reality and learning to be responsible.

I need some evidence, or stories, or something. Have all your friends been kicked out? Who do you know that has?
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Old 07-10-2003, 03:49 PM
Contrary Contrary is offline
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Remember, McLeo, every culture is different. You are in school, I'm guessing you are taking what would be considered a full load of classes and you are progressing toward a degree, right?

My sons both knew that if they were in school full-time, they could live with me, no problem. However if they were not in school full-time, they would be expected to pay a percentage of the rent and contribute toward food and utilities.

So far, one has dropped out and moved out (he figured if he was going to pay rent, it might as well be for a place of his own) and the other one is in school full-time.

Please be careful about generalizations -- they are ugly regardless of which culture makes them, eh?
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Old 07-10-2003, 04:12 PM
Isabelle Isabelle is offline
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I have a 22 year old daughter and her friends were not kicked ot at 18. Instead the kids went to college or moved out on their own. My daughter moved out on her own when she was 20.

I have a 17 year old who is saving money now to move out when he is 18. He says he is tired of rules and regulations and wants to live on his own. His friends are older then he is and they work full time jobs and live with friends. I won't kick him out unless he can't follow the house rules. Frankly I am ready for this one to fly the coop!
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  #9  
Old 07-10-2003, 04:31 PM
nuthinboutnuthin nuthinboutnuthin is offline
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Funny you should post that....
I just within the last 30 minutes suggested to my 18 year old son
that he find another place to live.....

Why? He got his eyelid pierced.....
HUH? You think that is a stupid reason?

Well, I gave birth, nutured, loved/adored, was a full time Mom, gave him discipline as needed, hugs always and mainly expected from him:
RESPECT.

He did not respect my wishes that he NOT mutilate himself.
We talked several times about how REVOLTING the whole piercing fad is to me........ This is my home and I choose NOT to have to look at his mutilated face everyday. I of course put up with the occasional "teenage crap" but this time he went too far.
He had been warned of the consequences.

He has also been warned about what he can expect when he leaves....
1. He has no job. (he graduates next year)
2. He does not have a car. ( He used ours whenever he needed it.)
3. No one will let him "live" with them for very long and its a GREAT way to lose a friend
4.Finding a job will be much harder with HOLES IN HIS FACE.
etc.etc.

He has made his decision,, ( yes he was given several chances to "save face" << bad choice of words <<.... to retain his pride
and elect to continue living here.

At 18, he is of course sure that he knows everything.. it goes with the territory but I think it may be time for him to see for himself that NOT EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET will cater to his
needs the way "THE PARENTS" do.

Certainly if I had my way about it, this would not have happened. and I occasionaly think that it would be a GREAT IDEA for the kids to live at home even after they get married and have grandkids
and what a great time we would have,,, but I KNOW BETTER..LOL

Sometimes, the only way for a person to learn is to let them learn it by themselves..
I know he will be in for a major rude awakening and my heart hurts really bad right now. In fact its an excruciating pain, but I hope this particular lesson will be learned quickly and he will return home again soon. The door will certainly always be open
as long as there are no metal attachments attached to his face..

PS. I can't help but wonder if he did it because he KNEW I would sugggest he leave.... I'm pretty sure right now he is quite pleased with himself and feels he is headed on a fun adventure.


PS. at the present time I really am not interested in hearing from pro-piercing advocates.... If piercing turns you on,, then have at it... Let it rip, whatever,,,,,
This incident boils down to
MY HOUSE and MY feelings on the subject.. thank you so much..
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  #10  
Old 07-10-2003, 04:36 PM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is online now
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We've been kidding our daughter for years, telling her that once she hits 18, she's outta here! Well, because of the age requirements for school here, she was 5 days past the cutoff date, so she'll turn 18 right after she begins her senior year. There's no way we're tossing her out.

To be honest, the reason we've said that to her over the years is to get her thinking about living on her own. We want her to be independent, and that involves leaving home and having her own life. To that end, we've been teaching her how to live on her own - how to cook, clean, do laundry, drive, get her car serviced, use common hand tools, sew, and all the other things one needs to survive. In addition, when she moves, she'll go with enough furniture to fill a one-bedroom apartment, including a piano. She'll have enough kitchenware and linens to start out, needing nothing.

And shortly after high school, she will be on her own - we'll take her to college and get her set up in an apartment. She'll have a part time job while in school, and we'll continue to help her out until she's established in a job. If something happens and she has to come home for a while, that'll be fine - both my husband and I had to impose on our parents at various times after we'd gone out on our own. It'll be temporary, and she knows that. After that, it's just a matter of time before we have to move in with her in our dotage.
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Old 07-10-2003, 04:46 PM
Isabelle Isabelle is offline
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nuthinboutnuthin I empathize with you. Everytime I went out of town my daughter got something pierced. In Florida you must be 18 to get piercings but somehow she was getting them without proper i.d. She had holes up and down her ears, her lip, her nose, her nipples, her clitoris, her tongue. All I can tell you is when she tried to get a job and the people looked at her funny she finally caught a clue and removed all the piercings. (Except the tongue) She is normal today and a beautiful girl.

So my hope for you is this too shall pass.

You are doing the right thing asking him to leave your house.
I intend the same thing will happen at my house with my 17 year old. He needs to follow rules. He wants his tongue pierced and a tattoo. I have told him NO! So we will see who wins. I told him when he is 18 he can do this crazy crap but not under my house!
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Old 07-10-2003, 04:52 PM
McLeo McLeo is offline
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dragongirl : Well yes, I agree with you that the kid has a lot to do with their parents kicking them out. Two personal experiences,

1) I knew this guy back in highschool, and he was up to the point of no hope. Even before he was 18 he had got into fights, beat people up, threaten other kids, stolen cars, bought and used counterfeit money, and opened a whore house at his friend's place where they hired girls to be prostitutes , he rightly deserved to be kicked out by his parents.

2) Another guy from highschool, he stole money from his family, stole his parents' credit cards, forged his mom's signature to buy a car, and went off to live out in the streets in his car - he also deserved to be kicked out.

But what I'm saying is, sure, these people deserved to be kicked out, but decent and normal kids are also being kicked out purely for them to learn to be 'independent'. But ya, you have a point.


RealityChuck : Ya, I guess I shouldn't have said "a lot", but by no means that this is a rare event. And sending them to college is not kicking them out, making them move out to pay for their own education, food, rent, etc. is kicking them out.


romansperson Quite a few good examples there, and great job on how your parents handled your situation. Props to them. Letting you choose to move out if you want to, but also letting you stay is great.


genie Actually yes I do know of a few people who were kicked out of the house or got no support from their parents. A friend of mine he was to attend university after highschool. Extremely bright guy. His parents were also pretty well off. But his parents would in no way support his education. He was to pay for his own off campus housing, food, and tuition. He was welcome to go back home during the summer, but anything else he had to pay. And if he didn't have enough money, he would've had to quit school for a year and get a job, while his parents' large sums of cash is sitting in the bank.

I have some more examples but now I'm in a hurry to leave work, will reply to everyone once I get home.
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  #13  
Old 07-10-2003, 04:52 PM
nuthinboutnuthin nuthinboutnuthin is offline
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Thanks Isabelle,,
This mothering thing never gets any easier does it???


Wishing you all the best in your mothering "adventures" too...

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Old 07-10-2003, 05:00 PM
dangermom dangermom is offline
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er. How do you pierce an eyelid? Wouldn't your eye get scratched up?
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:02 PM
astro astro is online now
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Lazy layabout 18 year olds are the ones who tend to get booted at or around 18 . Go getters are typically either going to school or otherwise employed and often leave to have their own space.

BTW Asian kids aren't going to be inculturated to be worker bees forever. It'd be interesting to fast forward a generation or two and see how Asian parents deal with their lazy, disaffected kids lounging around the house getting laser tattoos and electro-stim neural implants at age 20 or so in 2030.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:05 PM
Indygrrl Indygrrl is offline
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I have a hard time imagining the 18-year-old who doesn't want to move out. I was chomping at the bit when I went off to college. Something strange when a young adult is content to live with mommy and daddy.

Oh, and for those who are mad because their kids got pierced. How dare they express themselves!! I hope they come home with tattoos next time, because those are permanent. haha.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:12 PM
Master Wang-Ka Master Wang-Ka is offline
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My daughter's 21, and still lives at home. When not attending college, that is.

Throwing her out? No. Encouraging her to build herself a life? Certainly. And we continue to pay the bills, sure. Hell, I wouldn't condemn her to living under a freeway underpass or something.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:20 PM
AngelicGemma AngelicGemma is offline
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I can't see why any parent would kick out their own kid just because they turn 18. I'm 18 and am moving out in September to go to university, my mum is actually asking me to STAY! My brother is 20 and still lives at home.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:27 PM
lorinada lorinada is offline
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nuthinboutnuthin, I feel for you. My son turned 18 eight months ago and graduated from high school almost two months ago and has still not applied for college or found a full-time job. He has known since he as 14 that once he graduated he would be required to be either a full-time student, or working full time and paying his share of the bills roommate-style. The final blow came when he told me he was not going to be able to pay his share of his car insurance (we have one car so I charge him the difference between my rates and his rates - a damn good deal in my opinion and one he knew he would be obligated to since he was 14) and I had to pay the whole thing, leaving nothing for groceries for two weeks. We literally had nothing but rice and oatmeal.

On top of all that, he continually slacked off on his few paltry chores - to the point I was starting to see bugs (his chores are emptying the trash and loading and unloading the dishwasher).

That's when I told him he would have to show proof of applying for at least 10 jobs per week (again, a good deal in my opinion since he could easily do that in a day) to either supplement or replace his current part-time job, and do his chores every day. Each Friday, if any chore had gone undone for the week and/or if I didn't have a list of 10 applications I would put his stuff on the porch and change the locks.

It finally got to him that he was an adult now and needed to start taking care of himself.

I'm just curious as to how long it will last.

But if it doesn't, McLeo you'll know at least one reason why 18 year old kids get kicked out of the house.

Yes, I love my son, more than I love myself. But, first of all, that love requires that I teach him responsibility, and if the normal ways don't work I am obligated to resort to tough love. Secondly, just because I love someone doesn't mean I have to resort to eating rice and oatmeal because they've blown their paycheck taking their girlfriend to lunch DAILY and now I have to take over their financial obligations to my own detriment.

But, as long as he is going to school he's welcome here. If he chooses not to go to school or drops out, as long as he works full-time and pays his own way I won't worry about kicking him out til he's around 21 or so.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:34 PM
burundi burundi is offline
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My folks made it very clear that as long as my brother and I were in school, we were welcome to live at home, and we did return home for the summers. However, there comes a point when it's time to push the baby birds out of the nest. Young adults (not necessarily 18-year-olds, but certainly people in their early 20s) should have to deal with landlords, pay utility bills, learn how to live with roommates, be responsible for feeding and clothing themselves, etc. It's called growing up.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:40 PM
kniz kniz is offline
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Kick them out at age 18! The question is how do you get them to leave and stay gone? Okay, so I'm making it sound worse than it is. Out of 5 children only one left home and never came back to live. The others came back home and stayed for several months at least twice each and this is after college. I heard a discussion on the radio, about how many men over the age of 30 are going back home to live.

Kicking a child out at 18 should only be done in extreme cases (as posted above) and 30 year olds shouldn't return to live at home for any except extreme circumstances.
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:41 PM
lorinada lorinada is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Indygrrl


Oh, and for those who are mad because their kids got pierced. How dare they express themselves!! I hope they come home with tattoos next time, because those are permanent. haha.
She never said he couldn't express himself. She just said he couldn't do it in a certain manner and still expect to live in her house. That is her right as it IS her house and he was aware of the rules and broke them. She even let him make amends somehow and he refused.

I'm sorry, but you won't round up any contempt for nuthinboutnuthin from me, although you may garner a little for yourself. No surprise you were "chomping at the bit".
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Old 07-10-2003, 06:13 PM
macabresoul macabresoul is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by nuthinboutnuthin
At 18, he is of course sure that he knows everything.. it goes with the territory but I think it may be time for him to see for himself that NOT EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET will cater to his
needs the way "THE PARENTS" do.
Yea his parents sure do cater to him huh. If by cater you mean the parents think they own his body.

Look at it this way. He wanted to express himself, which you would not let him do. Then when he finally does express himself, you reject him.

What a great life lesson.

You are right, not everyone else on the planet would do that too him, just his controlling parents.



I think Lorinada has a very reasonable plan for her son to live at home. Nothing wrong with expecting him to do chores and stay in school. Although it seems he's going to school, and works a part-time job already, why would you want to have him get another job? Maybe I missed something.

It's good to set reasonable rules for responsibility, such as Lorinada. But when self expression is denied because 'you think it looks ugly'... it will teach the kid nothing in the long run.
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Old 07-10-2003, 06:14 PM
Miltonyz Miltonyz is offline
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Quote:
Something strange when a young adult is content to live with mommy and daddy.
Doesn't seem strange to me at all. To me it seems dumb to move out as soon as possible. I am quite content with living with my parents at the age of 18. For me it is the easiest arrangement. I attend a local college and it is cheaper to live with my parents. With them footing all my living costs, I can afford college without having to take out students loans. I also have a little free money left over. The fact is I could never understand people around my age desiring to move away from their parents. Get your future solidified before you make life harder for yourself.

Of course I have always had a great relationship with my parents. My dad bought me a dirtbike when I was twelve and we have gone to the races and spent a lot more time doing things together then other fathers and sons. My parents and I have also had a whole lot of trust which makes things easier. If I go to a party or camping they don't worry about me, because they know I don't drink. I can't remember a time being mad enough at my parents that I wanted to move out.
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Old 07-10-2003, 06:16 PM
handy handy is offline
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The only cases I know of where something actually happened, the kid had to start paying for rent & food. I had to too...Quite a bit I might add.

It's supposed to teach kids how to handle money & you're supposed to give them that money back when they get married, but who does that?
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Old 07-10-2003, 06:21 PM
Melanie Melanie is offline
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I got kicked out on my 18th birthday (which was in the middle of my final exams incidently). Many of you seem keen to blame the kids involved, but I was a model student, NEVER stole from my parents (lent them money in fact), but my dad left home when he was 15 and he didn't want me living there through uni. It was a terrible time for me and I nearly didn't make it to uni because I didn't have enough money or a place to live.

I think people gain independence when they know they have a back-up support, people to turn to, not when they know they are alone and have to struggle to cope.
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Old 07-10-2003, 07:39 PM
quinoa quinoa is offline
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when i was living in hungary for a little while, almost everyone there were amazed that young adults didn't stay with their family until they got married. (not only the young teenagers that i taught, but young 20somethings as well) i think it is cultural because hungary is very family oriented. it could also economical because it is not a rich country. of course, in budapest there may be more young people out on their own. in the other cities and towns, it seemed people were more traditional, especially the more out to the countrysides you got.

living in taiwan a bit now, i've heard amazement too, that young people move out on their own instead of staying with their family until married. there are of course taiwanese that move out on their own or go abroad or what not, but for the most part it seems people are amazed that american young people are so independent so early. chinese culture is also very family oriented, and they like saving money too.

(not to say americans aren't family oriented or anything, just it seems that in america it is more common for the young adult and/or parents to really want the young adult to be self-sufficient, independent, those sorts of things)
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Old 07-10-2003, 07:55 PM
kittenblue kittenblue is offline
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One of my customers told me that she was allowing a friend of her son's to come live with them until he left for college because the boy's mother had kicked him out on his eighteenth birthday...in February of his senior year of high school...because her boyfriend was moving in with her and didn't want the kid around the house. He was an honor student, and his mom had given him no warning that this was going to occur. He was faced with getting a full-time job to support himself, while going to high school and maintaining his grades. By letting him move in with her family, he was able to graduate, and will be leaving for college next month. So yes, it does happen to good kids too.
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Old 07-10-2003, 08:06 PM
Doomtrain Doomtrain is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by kittenblue
One of my customers told me that she was allowing a friend of her son's to come live with them until he left for college because the boy's mother had kicked him out on his eighteenth birthday...in February of his senior year of high school...because her boyfriend was moving in with her and didn't want the kid around the house. He was an honor student, and his mom had given him no warning that this was going to occur. He was faced with getting a full-time job to support himself, while going to high school and maintaining his grades. By letting him move in with her family, he was able to graduate, and will be leaving for college next month. So yes, it does happen to good kids too.
If my mom had done that to me, you can bet I wouldn't be in any mood to talk to her for quite a while.
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Old 07-10-2003, 08:44 PM
Harriet the Spry Harriet the Spry is offline
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If the family didn't work out too well, usually 18 years/ the end of high school feels like the right time for a change to the parties involved.

The OP sounds like he shares his family's values. That's all fine and good, but when you don't, I think it's better to part ways. Not all families are functional.

Would it have been good to live at home during college? Yes, but not at _my_ home!

In an ideal situation a family is a lifelong partnership, but in some cases (and the US hit a rough patch around the 1970's) the family of origin just doesn't work out. I'm not really advocating kicking the kids out, although for me and most of my friends it seemed absurd to stay. It's just that staying makes a whole lot more sense when your family is a source of support, not a drain and a source of stress.
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Old 07-10-2003, 09:12 PM
pkbites pkbites is offline
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Sometimes by the time the kid is 18 the parents are sick of their bullshit and want them out. You show me a case of good kids getting booted out at 18.

I booted one of my kids out when he was 16. He had to go live in a homeless shelter for a month. Not fun for a white upper middle class spoiled brat. After a month of not being allowed to come home it sunk into his head that doing drugs, failing school, stealing, and being vulgarly disrespectful were not going to happen here without consequences.
He just turned 18 and he's been smart enough to stay on the straight and narrow and keep his mouth shut. He can stay here as long as he does that.
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  #32  
Old 07-10-2003, 09:17 PM
Adoptamom_II Adoptamom_II is offline
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In our family, the kids are welcome to live at home as long as they are in school on a full time basis - which could extend all the way through their Masters degree as far as we're concerned! If they choose to leave school, they have six months to work and save as much money as possible because at the end of that six months - they are out of here!

So far, we've had one move onto college campus at 17 years of age and not return home (it should be explained she was a foster daughter who joined us at 15 years old - she'd been ready to be on her own for quite some time). The next married at 19 and moved in with her husband. The third was attended college and lived at home until 20, when she moved out for two months before returning home. Shortly thereafter, she made the decision to join the Air Force and is doing very well. We have two left at home, almost 11 and 12 years old. The same offer stands with them.

One difference our family has that I haven't seen represented here is that we *require* our children to get part time jobs at age 16, working a minimum of 15 hours per week. We want them to learn the value of a dollar, to contribute to their driving expenses and to experience minimum wage jobs in the hopes that they will learn early that a higher education is vital unless they want to stuff tacos for the rest of their lives.

We also have a no multiple piercing nor visable tattoo policy. This is our home, we set the standard, we pay the mortgage, and we decide what we will and won't tolerate. So far, all of our children have respected our wishes. Our married daughter got a tattoo - we admired it and thanked her for waiting until she moved out. The one who moved out briefly got a belly ring while she was on her own. We thanked her for waiting until she moved out. When she moved back home we never had to mention it because she respected our wishes enough to remove it without our asking.

Mr. Adoptamom and I were both very independent in our teen years and neither of us waited until we were 18 to move out of our parents homes.

BTW Indygrrl, our children are perfectly able to "express themselves" within acceptable boundaries while under our roof. When they pay for their own roof they can continue to express themselves in whatever they manner they choose outside of our boundaries. IMHO, tattoos and piercings are a pretty poor choice for self expression when you're not of age to appreciate the longterm consequences of permanent choices.
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  #33  
Old 07-10-2003, 09:34 PM
Jervoise Jervoise is offline
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In my (Australian) state at least, the overwhelming majority of kids at university live at home. There are five universities in my (smallish) city, so very few of us travel interstate to get a tertiary education. The university experience is treated more as an extension of high school: kids living with their parents and commuting daily to a local university.

'Course many kids move out of home before they finish their degrees, but no more than 50% I'd say. No-one I know has been forced to leave home by their parents; it's generally accepted that kids can stay as long as they continue their education.
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  #34  
Old 07-10-2003, 11:44 PM
Guinastasia Guinastasia is offline
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Some of us do it because we can't afford to move out. If I could-trust me, I would.

(It's not my parents, I'm clinging to though, it's the cats. I'd miss my cats-and they're too attached to this house and each other to take my two with me and leave the other three behind).
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  #35  
Old 07-11-2003, 12:25 AM
macabresoul macabresoul is offline
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Adoptamom_II Piercings don't have long term consequences. Depending on your skin type, (I think it still matters, maybe not) you can get tattoos removed.

Why so many parents are so scared of thier kids getting tattoo's and piercings is beyond me... You were all doing the same crap when you were that age.
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  #36  
Old 07-11-2003, 01:03 AM
Tamex Tamex is offline
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I had one friend who was kicked out of his house on the eve of our high school graduation (about a month after his eighteenth birthday) and it was extremely difficult for him. He was a good kid, but his father apparently felt that since the state no longer required him to support his kid once he was eighteen and a high school graduate, he no longer would! This was not the norm in our community...most of us at least got to hang around home for the summer, leave for college in the fall, come back for breaks, etc. This kid got nothing. No tuition, no place to live, nothing.

I think that it's extremely difficult to completely support yourself at 18, and any parent who makes this their rule has a bit of a cruel streak to them at the very least. I know that it was pretty hard on my friend. He got a full-time job and an old '68 Ford pickup, and was going to live with his mother and her boyfriend. Well, that must not have worked out, and therefore I lost touch with him. I caught up with him a few years later, and found out that he struggled quite a bit during those months--drifting between staying with friends and sleeping in his car or his workplace!

Sure, it worked out for him...eventually. In the meantime, however, he was freaking HOMELESS. Way to go, Dad! I'm with the OP...I don't get it, either.
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  #37  
Old 07-11-2003, 01:50 AM
lezlers lezlers is offline
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I was chomping at the bit to leave home after I graduated high school as well, of course as I mentioned in the other thread, my stepfather and I *really* didn't get along, so it was for the best. I went home a couple of months later to visit and my room had already been converted into a storage closet. Knew then and there I really was on my own.

I know that the way alot of families do things here (U.S) seems strange to other cultures, but the way other cultures do things is strange to me. I knew a girl in the dorms at school who was Japanese who traveled 3 hours each way home every weekend to clean her parents house. WTF? She didn't even live there, and her parents were not disabled in any way!

My point is, different cultures do things in different ways. My parents wanted me to live in the dorms (my school was a 40 minute drive from home) because they wanted me to have that experience. I'm so glad I did it, it's something I'll never forget. My whole college experience wouldn't have been the same if I'd stayed at home. It's not for everyone, but I do think living away from home for the first time adds a *lot* to the college experience. It's just not the same for someone still living with their parents.

As far as paying for school goes. I think it's up to the parents, the children aren't entitled to a free education. My biological father paid my tuiton for the first year, which was great, then dissapeared. I was then forced to figure out how to scrape up enough money for the next semesters tuiton or drop out. I got another job. I paid my tuiton for the rest of my time in school. Taught me how to fend for myself and that mommy and daddy weren't always going to be there for me when I needed them. I don't see anything wrong with parents who don't pay for their children's college. There is a special kind of satisfaction in knowing that you put yourself through school, I was able to hold my head up that much higher at graduation. My mother was that much prouder of me, as well.

If your parents are going to pay for your entire education, more power to ya. All I'm saying is that you're not entitled to it, and if your parents choose to make you pay for your own education, it doesn't make them terrible people or bad parents. Sometimes people try to get their children to learn life lessons in different ways.
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  #38  
Old 07-11-2003, 01:58 AM
lezlers lezlers is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by macabresoul
Adoptamom_II Piercings don't have long term consequences. Depending on your skin type, (I think it still matters, maybe not) you can get tattoos removed.

Why so many parents are so scared of thier kids getting tattoo's and piercings is beyond me... You were all doing the same crap when you were that age.
mac,

I think it's more a matter of respect. The kid is living in the parent's house. The parent's are paying the bills and buying the food. They put down rules, if the kid can't follow them, then he/she can get their punk asses out of the house and live in the real world for awhile. It doesn't matter if the rule is "no tatoos" or "no Mickey Mouse posters", the point is, they're rules that need to be followed out of respect for the people supporting you.
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  #39  
Old 07-11-2003, 02:22 AM
HPL HPL is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Indygrrl
I have a hard time imagining the 18-year-old who doesn't want to move out. I was chomping at the bit when I went off to college. Something strange when a young adult is content to live with mommy and daddy.
Some people like their parents and home life enough that they don't want to leave immediaty. That and/or they don't have the finanical resources to immediatly move out.
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  #40  
Old 07-11-2003, 02:35 AM
HPL HPL is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by macabresoul
Adoptamom_II Piercings don't have long term consequences. Depending on your skin type, (I think it still matters, maybe not) you can get tattoos removed.

Why so many parents are so scared of thier kids getting tattoo's and piercings is beyond me... You were all doing the same crap when you were that age.
It doesn't matter. Their home, their rules. You don't like the rules, you can always leave and go to a place where the rules are to your liking.

I don't care about the tatoo issue at all. It could be anything, but the result remains the same. Either swallow your pride and follow the rules or leave and go live where it doesn't bother the landlords.
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  #41  
Old 07-11-2003, 02:35 AM
Kayeby Kayeby is offline
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Narrad, thanks for that! I kept wondering why my friends and I were so abnormal, but that's cleared it up quite nicely.
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  #42  
Old 07-11-2003, 04:18 AM
The Asbestos Mango The Asbestos Mango is offline
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My parents kicked me out when I was 18.

I wanted to go to college. My stepfather didn't want me in the house ('course, I'd known that since before he married my mother when I was eight).

They weren't completely evil about it- stepfather had some connections and helped me get a job at a wire harness assembly plant (twelve years after leaving that job, I still have serious back problems) and paid the first month's rent on a studio apartment, but really...

I had no car and therefore transportation to IUSB or the local community college to take night classes was difficult. So, I never got a college education and was therefore doomed to work at soul-sucking minimum wage jobs knowing that I would never fulfill my dream of becoming an archaeologist.

Right now, at age 36, I'm living with my mother ('rents divorced about eight years ago) because neither of us could afford to live in Las Vegas without a roommate, and we don't trust anyone but each other not to rip us off/leave us stuck with rent, etc. I'm going to school to become a massage therapist (and taking full advantage of having my fellow students "practice" on me- it does wonders for my back). This on top of working as a cashier at Wal-Mart (part time- the highly profitable and terribly understaffed store just laid off about 40 cashiers and cut hours for most of the rest of us). My instructor thinks I'm a natural healer, but I need to heal myself first (work in process, and it's a long process).

But yes, there is an attitude among a lot of parents that "when you're eighteen, you're out, I don't want to support you anymore". These same parents then wonder why instead of taking them in and supporting them in their old age, the kids shunt them off to a nursing home and never visit... Near as I can figure, this is an attitude that didn't start developing until about the late 19th or early twentieth century. Before that, people lived at home until they had completed their education, or if they weren't bound for higher education, until they had worked and saved up enough money to be self-supporting. Hell, lots of folks stayed at home after they were married, worked on the family farm/in the family business (thus contributing to the household's income) the son's wife moved in with the family, inherited the house/farm/business when the parents died, then passed it on to their kids. Even when the kids moved out, they pretty much lived in the same neighborhood.

The attitude that anyone over the age of about twenty who is still living at home is a loser is a fairly recent (in terms of human history) cultural development. I think it's sad. A lot of poverty would probably be eliminated if adult children would remain at home with the parents, thus providing that extra income for the household. It would be easier to save money, since there would be less rent/mortgage/utility expenses, and one of the grandparents could pull babysitting duty while the adult children and other grandparent worked, thus saving child care expenses. Many immigrant families, mostly Asian, actually save up enough money to start their own businesses this way- with the adult children kicking in for the household expenses, even if all parties are working low-wage jobs, there is enough money left over after the rent is paid that they can put away a nest egg. Then once the business is up and running, the entire family pools their labor to keep the doors open until it becomes profitable enough that they need and can afford to hire help.

I think a lot of the problem is that in America, children are regarded as an expense and a liability- a mouth to feed, a body to clothe. In other cultures, especially Asian cultures, children are regarded as an asset- a pair of hands to share in the household work, bring in income, support the parents in their old age.
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  #43  
Old 07-11-2003, 08:00 AM
refusal refusal is offline
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In my experience as a young adult, most people who get kicked out of their home at 16-18 (16 is legal in Scotland) it is because of quarrels with a stepparent. In some cases this is absolutely not because of bad behaviour by the child, it is simply because of unreasonable attitudes by a step-parent who feels no bond towards the kid (although possibly certain people in this thread think a teenager should accept the rules of the house and let himself get beaten up by their stepfather and not fight back).

If a stepfather with no idea about how to handle a teenage kid comes into a house, and no particular desire to make peace with the kid, it's likely there will be big disputes, and if the mother is unable or unwilling to make peace, you end up with kids getting thrown out.
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  #44  
Old 07-11-2003, 10:00 AM
monstro monstro is offline
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My parents didn't kick any of their children out. We enjoy a good relationship. But I stopped living with them on a permanent basis when I was in college. Of course, my father paid for my living expenses (since he didn't have to pay for tuition). If he hadn't done this I would have had to stay home, although very reluctantly. I don't think college would have been the same if I had stayed at home.

(Unless the only alternative was a homeless shelter, I could not see myself moving back in with my parents. They raised 4 children. They deserve a break.)

I think as long as someone is in school and isn't being a freeloader (e.g., doesn't cook, doesn't clean, doesn't help out with the groceries), staying at home is perfectly acceptable. But I personally couldn't do it. I love my parents and they aren't that strict, but I love being able to come and go as I please. I love being able to make messes that I don't have to clean up right away. I love being an adult. I don't think I'd feel very "adult" if I lived at home, even if I was paying rent. And I admit it's hard for me to see people who are still living with Mom and Dad as true adults.
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  #45  
Old 07-11-2003, 10:43 AM
NE Texan NE Texan is offline
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pkbites asked for a case of a good kid getting booted out when they were 18, in spite of the fact that Melanie and kittenblue had already done so before his post. After his post, Tamex and Thea Logica gave two more examples. Here's another one.

A friend of my brother-in-law came home from high school on his 18th birthday to find that his mother had boxed up all of his belongings and left them on the porch - he wasn't allowed back into the house. He was a senior in high school, his mom was a single mom with no other kids, and just didn't want him around. As soon as he was 18, she figured she couldn't get in trouble for kicking him out, and did so.

Now understand, this was a good kid - no drug or alcohol problems, no gangs. Not even cigarettes, tattoos, or piercings. Honor student, who always thought he would go to college. But all of a sudden, he was homeless.

Fortunately, he had a friend whose family took him in - and I know that if not, my in-laws were going to. The family that took him in, were hoping, I think, that he would be a good influence on their own children, as well as feeling sorry for him. And apparently, he was very serious about school after that as well (in spite of going through it), and very conscientious about doing chores. Later, he got a job after high school to pay for college, and I don't know what happened to him after that.

I don't know that it's common, but it's certainly not unheard of for parents to kick out good kids at age 18.
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  #46  
Old 07-11-2003, 11:54 AM
gex gex gex gex is offline
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Well, I don't know about America, but in Australia the age that kids first leave home is rising.

Quote:
originally posted by nuthinboutnuthin
Funny you should post that....
I just within the last 30 minutes suggested to my 18 year old son
that he find another place to live.....

Why? He got his eyelid pierced.....
HUH? You think that is a stupid reason?

Well, I gave birth, nutured, loved/adored, was a full time Mom, gave him discipline as needed, hugs always and mainly expected from him:
RESPECT.

He did not respect my wishes that he NOT mutilate himself.
We talked several times about how REVOLTING the whole piercing fad is to me........ This is my home and I choose NOT to have to look at his mutilated face everyday. I of course put up with the occasional "teenage crap" but this time he went too far.
He had been warned of the consequences.
Well, it's your house, your choice. You could kick him out without any reason at all. But, have you ever considered that you might have some real control issues? I mean, I'm not a "piercing advocate," but I've got to really wonder about someone who makes such a choice as yours.

I wish your son luck. Maybe it's best for both of you that he had to leave before he did something you'd really hate, like have a girlfriend you don't like or find that he has a different preference in icecream flavours.
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  #47  
Old 07-11-2003, 12:02 PM
Contrary Contrary is offline
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Honest question gex gex -- at what point in your opinion is it ok for the parents' values to be considered.

You seem to think this is a minor issue and she shouldn't have said it's time for him to move out.

Maybe so.

But do you see the slippery slope? When do these differences become enough to say enough?

If it's not the eye piercing, what is it? And then how does she justify allowing him to stick around after the minor violations of her values?

Seriously, I'm asking.
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  #48  
Old 07-11-2003, 12:37 PM
gex gex gex gex is offline
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contrary: It's ok for the parent's values to be considered at any time. nuthinboutnuthin owns/leases the house, so, as I said, she can dictate who lives in her house and under what conditions. However, a statement such as, "he did not respect my wishes that he NOT mutilate himself" strikes me as just a little control-freaky. No matter, however. She could demand that he only wear pink tuxedos around the house if he wanted to live there, and it would still be perfectly fine.

However, I do have a question for nuthin upon re-reading her post:

Quote:
We talked several times about how REVOLTING the whole piercing fad is to me........
People have been piercing themselves as long as I remember, even in unconventional places. How is this a "fad"?
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  #49  
Old 07-11-2003, 12:59 PM
Chefguy Chefguy is online now
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Kick them out? KICK them out?? 20 seconds after high school ended, all four ran screaming out the door to escape their domineering, catholicosaurus mother. I would have had to nail their feet to the floor to prevent it...
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  #50  
Old 07-11-2003, 01:19 PM
ashtayk ashtayk is online now
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I fail to understand some of the logic that is being bandied about with regard to the "rules of the house". Or words to the effect that "this is my house, I make the rules, since I pay the mortgage and I foot the bills, therefore the following is not allowed under my roof......"

Well, heck, I didn't ask to be born did I? YOU did that!

This is in no way condoning terrible behaviour in kids but the reason for disallowing certain activities/tattoos, piercing or what have doesn't seem convincing. The kid doesn't sem to have much of a say in the matter.
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