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#1
08-01-2003, 01:09 PM
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Stupidest things said in all seriousness
So, what are the dumbest things you've heard people say without meaning to be stupid? I'll start with two:
The other day, flipping through the channels, I came across one of those forensic science TLC type shows. As I paused in my flipping, the announcer earnestly said, and I quote: Quote:
I came across this one today, reading about two Nobel Prize Laureates in Alaska who were stealing gasoline and attempted to check their progress with a lighter. Suprisingly, they caught themselves on fire, but that's not the part that caught my eye. Alaska State Trooper Sgt Burke Barrick is quoted in this article as saying: Quote:
So, what are some of your favorite moments of abject stupidety? 
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#3
08-01-2003, 01:43 PM
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CNN article about the elimination of New Mexico's Route 666:
Quote:
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#4
08-01-2003, 01:45 PM
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From the NY Times today, re the Pope's latest contribution to posterity:
"It also contained an admonition for Catholic legislators in bodies that are considering laws to recognize same-sex unions or permit gays and lesbians to marry or adopt children. "To vote in favor of a law so harmful to the common good is gravely immoral," said the document, which spelled out, on its final page, that it was being issued with the explicit approval and under the specific orders of Pope John Paul II." Goodness gracious yes. Allowing people to form stable unions and provide loving families for unwanted children obviously spells doom for society.
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#5
08-01-2003, 02:05 PM
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Two words: Dan Quayle.
A few excerpts from the link: Quote:
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#6
08-01-2003, 03:51 PM
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The wife and I were watching a documentary on cats when the announcer shares the startling revelation that "Cats can't read."
After about a thirty second pause, the announcer explains that cats can't read because they can't see well enough to make out individual words and letters. Oh, OK. For those thirty seconds, though, the wife and I were wondering if we'd stepped into some alternate universe or something where this guy felt he had to dispel the myth that cats are literate.
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#7
08-01-2003, 05:01 PM
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I love the Grateful Dead, and a few years ago was going to see one of the former members and his band when my friend and I had this exchange:
Me: Who plays bass for Phil Lesh and Friends? Friend (hesitatingly, since there's no possible way I could be serious): Um... Phil.
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#8
08-01-2003, 05:27 PM
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Quote:
Hey I saw that show too!
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#9
08-01-2003, 06:24 PM
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So many of those stupid quotes attributed to Quayle and Gore are false that personally I'd need more citations that some random page of quotes from some dude who managed to make a web page.
I find it hard to believe that either of them is that dumb, or inarticulate. For instance, a friend sent me this link, about Gore: http://www.gargaro.com/algore.html Mind you, I'd basically never vote for Gore, but I'm for being at least accurate about what he's said.
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#10
08-01-2003, 07:17 PM
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Actually, what I'm looking for is more along the lines of the cat quote. Things that so much stupid because they're, well, stupid- "If you die you've lost a big part of your life", but stupid because they are true but completely unnecessary to say-"Cat's can't read".
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#11
08-01-2003, 07:18 PM
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From the boys in blue...
'A police investigation is under way in Edinburgh after the remains of a man were found in a suitcase which was pulled from a river. Lothian and Borders detectives describe the death of the local man, who was in his mid-20s and who was fully clothed, as "suspicious". '
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#12
08-01-2003, 07:22 PM
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From the waitress at the restaurant where I had dinner tonight:
"Our special today is chicken fennel soup. It is not vegetarian." To do her credit, she explained that the people at the last table had actually ASKED if the soup was vegetarian.
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#14
08-01-2003, 07:35 PM
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Spoken by a local newscaster back in the 80's:
"The body of a homeless man was found in a Dumpster on River Street at noon today. At this time he is still dead." Whew! I was hoping the zombie infestation had been taken care of.
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#15
08-01-2003, 07:38 PM
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In defense of the Alaskan cop
That sounds tounge-in-cheek to me. Or that really great dead-pan humour that can be misunderstood in print.
(S)he may have been replying to a particularly stupid question. I am reminded of Swift, the former Acting Governor of Massachusetts, who snapped at a reporter on September 11th, "Two planes were hijacked [from the Boston airport]; I'd call that a security failure." I couldn't stand the woman UNTIL that moment.
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#16
08-01-2003, 07:40 PM
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I have a cow-orker who refers to anyone with any kind of mental or even physical impairment as "retarded"
 Shaking from Parkinson's disease? Why, that makes you "retarded" in her mind. She also describes gay people as "you know, having that dysfunction". Oh yeah, she's also not overly fond of Japanese people. Or Vietnamese folk. I'm not really sure why she bothers making any distinction, since she claims that any person of any kind of background that could be described as asian is "Japanese". 'Cause, you know, they're all the same thing, really. She signed up on an internet dating site and was outraged that people responded to her ad. "Oh God! Who does this guy think HE is? Loser! F**k this pisses me off!" Lovely girl, ain't she? And inexplicably, she's still single! (And amazingly, all of these gems are from this week alone)
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#17
08-01-2003, 07:43 PM
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I used to watch those nature shows on PBS all the time with the British announcer guy - he was always good for lines like that.
::Jungle tribe member shoots a dart at a bird, bird immediately freezes solid and falls like a stone to the jungle floor:: "The poison acts quickly..." ::Praying Mantis attacks, eats another's head:: "The Mantis spurns her potential lover's advances..."
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#19
08-01-2003, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
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#21
08-02-2003, 12:44 AM
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Well, not nessacarily crazy, But a bad freakin thing to say in seriuosness.
A week after my father died, A WEEK. This Family friend told my mother that pretty soon she would love another man, perhaps more than she loved dad.In front of my younger sister, and many other family friends.
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#22
08-02-2003, 01:03 AM
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Anything by Bill Walton.
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#23
08-02-2003, 01:21 AM
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A notice about a possible murder I read about a few years back went something like...
... the bodies of two women were found floating in the Bay on Tuesday. They had both suffered multiple stab wounds, been strangled, and tied with twine before being dumped. Police suspect foul play.
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#25
08-02-2003, 09:03 AM
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From a news broadcast I heard a couple of years ago (paraphrased)..."A scientist working for some big, impressive university has determined that the
number of hurricanes originating in the Atlantic is likely to increase over the next decade. At risk are the Atlantic and Gulf coasts of the United States."
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#26
08-02-2003, 09:16 AM
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In October of last year, I told my supervisor there had been another shooting in the DC area. Her response:
Was it the same guy? No, we're hoping there's a freaking army of serial killers out there.
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#28
08-02-2003, 11:37 AM
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It may not be fully in the spirit of the OP, but here is an excellent site for utterances from mostly British sports commentators.
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#29
08-02-2003, 11:41 AM
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I once heard a weather reporter describe the weather as "unseasonable for this time of year."
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#31
08-02-2003, 03:17 PM
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I think it's a major weakness on behalf of MLB guys to refer to a batter as "the potential winning run" or "potential tying run." I mean that tells you absolutely nothing. Technically the first batter of the game is the potential winning run, and the seventh batter in a 7-0 game is the potential tying run. What's your point?!!? Just filling dead air.
(Another baseball pet peeve is putting up completely random stats. "Player X has been hitting .517 in his last 6 out of 7 games." Yeah, well he's hitting .190 for the year, so it was really convenient for you to make a random statistic and leave out the 127 previous at-bats where he tanked. 100% Meaningless.)
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#32
08-02-2003, 03:47 PM
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Not said, but written. Easier to document.
Quote:
Quote:
__________________
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
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#34
08-02-2003, 09:00 PM
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Coworker : Where you going on vacation.
Me: The Daytona 500 Coworker : Really? where's that? 1 year later. Same Coworker: Where are you going on vacation Me: New Mexico Same Ignorant Coworker: I've never been to another country do you need a passport. Note: from Massachusettes.
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#35
08-02-2003, 09:24 PM
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My stepdaughter, (who is by no means stupid, was just a young teenager at the time), was explaining how her mother and her mother's new significant other had met.
Stepdaughter: " They met at one of those gatherings, you know, umm, Parents with Children." Me: BWAHAHAHAHA Um, honey, as opposed to Parents Without Children? I think you mean Parents without Partners? Stepdaughter: On the floor laughing Just cracked us both up. Note to bubba: It's spelled Massachusetts. Are you from Massachusetts or the co-worker?
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#36
08-02-2003, 09:44 PM
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"Note to bubba: It's spelled Massachusetts.
Are you from Massachusetts or the co-worker" Forgive me, I now live in New Mexico and am picking up the local customs quite well, illiteracy(sp?), ignorance, slower than my grandma driving, etc...
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#37
08-05-2003, 09:01 PM
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I worked with the quintessential cute little air head (no, she wasn't blonde) One day she was standing with a number of other women. Without preamble I asked "Do you know how to tell when a man is lying?" She looked as though I was about to solve all her problems. I then said "His lips move." Everyone else laughed. She stood opened mouthed for a moment, then said "Oh, its a joke." and with a look of disapointment went back to her office.
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#38
08-05-2003, 10:57 PM
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Quote:
As for "random stats," a guy hitting .190 (below the Mendoza Line) who's hitting .517 over the last seven games is a guy on a hot streak, and that's the kind of information people watching the game want.
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#39
08-05-2003, 11:06 PM
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My brother.
One day I will get into my brother. He is 12 years old. He's a straight-A student. He inherits the same intelligence that I do. However--he's a big stupe. The one I can think of off the top of my head: My family (mom, dad, brother, and I) play a game or two of euchre each night all of us are in the house this summer. To determine who deals first, we take a deck and deal one card to each person until one gets a jack; the person to get a jack first deals. My brother: "What if no one gets a jack?"  There's more. I just can't think of it right now. But this child cannot comprehend things. . .
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#40
08-05-2003, 11:29 PM
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So you're saying he's not playing with a full deck?
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#41
08-05-2003, 11:50 PM
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Al Sharpton: "I'm running for President"
Bill Clinton: "I did not have sex with that woman" George Bush: Virtually anything he says anymore. My oh my, have my views changed or what?
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#42
08-05-2003, 11:55 PM
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Sitting in a group where there had, admittedly, been some drinking done, one person was telling us anecdotes of his experiences working in the morgue.
He detailed that one of his most embarrassing moments was that, having just hosed down the floors, he had left off the drain covers. While waiting for the floors to dry, he started carrying the organs from an autopsy to the lab for analysis. He slipped on the damp tiles, and dropped the pan he was carrying with the brain on it. The pan skittered across the floor, and dumped the brain down the open drain. It was gone. No practical way to get it back. Thinking quickly, he finished up and replaced the drain covers, and left the lab quietly, leaving the missing brain as a mystery for the ages. When asked about the missing brain, he told them that it had been taken to the lab and must have gone missing from there. After quietly contemplating this for a few seconds, his girlfriend spoke. "When the guy woke up, was he pissed off that they'd lost his brain?" It took several moments for us to realise that she was serious. A few more to convince her that the guy wouldn't be missing his brain all that much...
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#44
08-06-2003, 12:23 AM
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Dr. Laura, "I am my kid's mom."
Well, d'uh.
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#45
08-06-2003, 01:50 AM
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We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
-- Arab News report I do not like this word bomb. It is not a bomb; it is a device which is exploding. --Jacques Le Blanc, French Ambassader, describing France's nuclear testing We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave danger they will be misinterpreted. --H. R. Haldeman, in his own defense We have only one person to blame, and that's each other. -- Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a fight during a hockey game I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy. -- J. Curtis McKay, Wisconsin State Elections Board
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#46
08-06-2003, 03:18 AM
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#47
08-06-2003, 10:03 AM
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My niece's ex, to the judge at a child support hearing.
Quote:
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#48
08-06-2003, 01:37 PM
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News flash: Not every spoken phrase is meant to be taken seriously. The next time you find yourself in a casual conversation, notice that many things people say are silly, meaningless, or just plain wrong, but anyone with a little perspective can see they are not meant literally. Constantly challenging these minor rejoinders and comments is, to me, the mark of an annoying butthole.
Not all of the examples posted here fall under that category, but many do.
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#49
08-06-2003, 01:57 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
I also think it's stupid to sing "Take me out to the ballgame" when we're already there.
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#50
08-07-2003, 03:24 AM
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Another, not strictly in the spirit of the OP, but the best I've heard personally in a loooong time:
A few nights ago, I mentioned to some friends that I had eaten the previous night at a place called Cafe Vienna. One girl furrowed her brow, thought for a moment, and asked, "Is that deer meat?" I must confess, to my shame, it took me a few seconds to grasp what she was asking....
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