Well, proof of a sort… I wish I’d gotten a recording.
Dateline: Texas, 3:13 AM CST (is that redundant? Nope!)
Having been an AOLoser for many years, and being fully disgusted with the complete lack of customer service, I decided to explore other options. I had DSL installed in my apartment, and never went back to AOL…
…Until tonight.
You see, I had kept my AOL account active until my DSL was working, and I knew I liked it better. This way, I could still use email if my DSL went down. The plan being, of course, that if I did like DSL I’d cancel AOL.
Tonight I finally decided, ok, that’s it, I love DSL! I’m’a call AOL and cancel. But I have to sign on to their service to get the number… go fig. Everybody knows about this, right?
But does everybody know what you get when you call that number? I didn’t, at least I wasn’t sure, but tonight, dear friends, I’m’a tellin’ you.
At 3:13 am the call is answered by a lady we’ll call “Shelly”. I call her this, because that’s what she told me her name was. I find the idea that an Indian lady would be named “Shelly” a bit unusual, but not impossible, so no big deal. Shelly she is. I use the term “lady” simply to refer to her sexual characteristic, ie: no Y chromosome, as far as I could tell over the phone.
Shelly, typing furiously on what, to my ears, is an active keyboard, takes down my ‘vital statistics’ of my account name and my own name, and enters them into her computer, and waits for the response…
“Oh, dear” she says (Yes I’m paraphrasing here. Like I said, I wish I’d recorded it.)
“What?” I ask, knowing what’s about to happen full well, and letting her dig her own hole.
“Well, it seems the computers are down, and I can’t complete this transaction” she informs me.
“Hmm” I think to myself “I just heard keys… she’s lying.”
BIG GRIN. Time for me to go to work! q;}
I have, I kid you not, 45 minutes of conversation with “Shelly” and then her “Supervisor” by the name of “Dia” who has a frikkin’ “La-Ser” on her “Head”.
Ok I made the laser part up. It was a… naw, I can’t do it. Too angry!!!
Anyway, during this conversation the phrase “Computers are upgrading” is repeated ad infinitum, or as close to infinitely as you can get within a space of about 45 minutes. They repeatedly insist that there is nothing they can do about it, that I must, repeat MUST wait 24 hours and call them back, and my account will remain active during that time. I Can Not Cancel My Account, no matter how much I want to, or how much THEY want to let me do so; it’s physically impossible; there is NO COMPUTER.
This is important. No Computer. Impossible to Cancel. Call back tomorrow.
Now, my goal, my one driving issue, the single, ONLY reason I called this number, was to cancel my account effective immediately. And I’m told that I can not do so. I knew going into it that this was going to happen, so I jotted down the times and names. Good thing, too, as we shall see.
So, I’m talking with the folks on the phone. I repeatedly say “Do not hang up on me” and there’s no way I’m gonna hang up on them, not until my account is closed. Yes, I’ll wait. No you may not put me on hold. I want my account closed immediately.
Jerk, huh? Rude, insensitive customer! Won’t he listen? The computers are down, there’s nothing I can do, go away and let me play solitare!
I put on a DVD, and watch it, while chatting merrily with the lady on the other end of the planet, in India.
On AOL’s dime.
For 45 minutes.
During this time, of course, more attempts are being made to get me to agree to hang up and try again tomorrow. I’m having none of it. No, do not hang up, I will gladly sit and wait for the computers to come back online. What? They’re still down? Ok, I’m still waiting. Two to three hours, huh? And you don’t know when they actually went down in the first place? Oooh, JUST before I called? Thanks, why didn’t you tell me that then? Oooh, you didn’t know? I should call back tomorrow, you say? No, that’s ok, thanks… So, how’s the weather? Uh huh. Hahaha, this little guy fell down. No, the movie. Right. Computers back up yet? No? Ok. I’ll wait. Etc. Etc. Etc.
For 45 minutes.
And she’s not having NEARLY as much fun as I am. I doubt, at this particular point in my life, that anybody could be. For I am on A Righteous Quest!
By now I’ve made my point… I’m not hanging up. You will, in fact, be on the phone with me all night, lady, if you do not cancel my account immediately, or as soon as humanly possible. Yes, I will wait.
Have I mentioned that I’m willing to wait?
All of a sudden, with no fanfare of any sort, no announcement at all, she asks my secret verification question. Which is, itself, a verification question for me… It verifies that they have access to my account, as they knew my answer was correct.
“What’s this? The system is up?” I ask.
“Yes sir, it’s back now, so if I could just…” blah blah blah.
YAY!!! I’ve cancelled my account!! Woopeee!!! And it only took being a COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASSHOLE to the nice lady! So sorry, lady, that AOL’s computers crash. Why do you think I was cancelling in the first place?
The time: 3:53 am CST. I hang up, and jot this down as well.
Then I wait a couple minutes. Take a leak, grab a few refreshments, fresh pack of smokes, and settle back in.
And I called the exact same number again.
“Hello” says an Indian-accented female voice, who identifies herself as “Tanya”, which I write down as well.
“Hi” says I, “I would like to cancel my account please. I was just on the line with someone, “Shelly” she said, but the computers went down, have yours been working?”
“Yes sir, your name please?”
“I just wanna know, is your computer working?”
“Yes, sir, that was a different call center. You know there are more than one here. Theirs might be down but ours could still be working.”
"Oh ok then. And this is “Tanya” right? I’d like to cancel my account.
“Ok sir, could I please get your information?”
I give her my OTHER screen name.
“Oh dear” she says, distressed.
“What?” I ask, barely holding back laughter.
“Well, our system just went down!” she tells me.
“Oh dear, what does that mean” I ask, innocently concerned.
“Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you, could you call back tomorrow?”
“No, I’m sorry, I’d really like to do this now, please. I’ll wait, they should be back shortly, right?” I say
“Oh I hope so, but it could be 2-3 hours… really, sir, it would be easiest for you to just call back”
“No, I’ll hold. So, how’s the weather? Computer still up?”
This ‘lady’ isn’t nearly as polite as Shelly was.
While repeatedly ignoring my questions and talking over me, asking me to hang up and try again tomorrow, she explains that the computer is DOWN and there’s nothing she can DO and that I should call BACK.
“Can I talk to your supervisor, please?”
“His name is Thomas Elliot, but he’s out to lunch.” I wrote this down, too. It’s important.
“Oh, well, ok. How hungry can he be? I’m waiting anyway, if he gets back put him on. You like Adam Sandler movies? This little guy’s funny. He just fell down!”
Tanya is now quite upset with me. I, however, am having a grand ol’ time, waiting for the computers I KNOW are fully functional to come back online.
How do I know for sure? Well, aside from the typing and the accent, I have no proof. Until…
4:50 am CST. I get transferred to Tanya’s supervisor. She gets on the phone…
"Hello, this is Dia, how may I help you?
Remember, Tanya just told me that 1) her supervisor, who is out to lunch, is a man named Thomas. 2) Hi opal. 3) She is not, in fact, in the same building that just had the computer outage.
A woman from that building, however, is now on the phone, telling me that she’s Tanya’s supervisor!
Oooh, she recognizes my voice!
“Yep, that’s right. Why did Tanya tell me the computers went down?”
“Well they were up for ten minutes, then they went down again.”
“Uh-huh. Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“And when was this exactly?”
“Oh, a little while ago…”
“So, you’re telling me that the computer was Down when I called, came back up for a total of 10 minutes, and then, miraculously, when I called AGAIN, the computers were down again?”
“That’s right sir.”
Needless to say, I really, really, REALLY wish I’d taped this conversation.
Eventually, I am passed up the supervisory ladder again… to one “Sean Wallace” with a distinctly american accent. Might even have been texan.
“Hello sir, how can I help you?”
We discuss the state of his employees and their computer system. We discuss how I had asked to cancel my account, and was told I could not do so.
“Oh, ok, let me use my Super Special Magical Mystery Supervisor Computer to check on that. Your name please?”
This is the part where I really really wish I’d recorded it…
We discuss how a supervisor for a company as large as his seems to be (Remember, he’s at the bare minimum the third level of management I’ve talked to… Shelly, Dia… then Tanya and her manager Thomas, now Thomas and Dia’s manager Sean.) would certainly, in this day and age, be able to tell me at what time, exactly, the computer systems went down and came back online.
He breaks out the curveball… Time Zones!
Time zones are the bane of my life, well one of them at least, and somehow he knew it.
He gives me one time in indian time, and one in eastern standard. I ask again, when did the system go down, YOUR time please?
“3:40 our time”
And that was 45 minutes ago. About the time I started talking to Tanya. But AFTER I talked to Dia and Shelly, and BEFORE I successfully completed my cancellation. I have a confirmation number, which will hopefully match my cancellation snailmail. I got this number WHILE the computers were down, according to this man.
So, timeline, their version, not knowing that I did in fact cancel: Computers go down. I call shelly. Shelly gives me to Dia. Computers, somehow, go down again. Dia talks to me. Computers come back up. I cancel. I call back. Computers have been down for a while… since before I cancelled.
Something doesn’t add up.
More lies from Sean: “3:40? I meant 3:30… here it is, 3:32. No Eastern time. No, Indian time. No, Easter time. No, Indian time.”
I explain to him, politely, that if the computers went down at 3:32 HIS time, and it is now 4:15 HIS time, that means the computers went down 45 minutes ago.
He agrees with me… Yes, that’s right, when you talked to Tanya, they just went down.
“And they weren’t working before then?”
“Nope.”
“So how did I cancel my account at 3:53 am MY time”
“Well, that was 3:30 pm INDIA time.”
And on and on and on.
I ended up just saying “yeah, ok, and it’s closed? Confirmation number? Yep, that’s what I got. Bye.”
I really, really, really wish I’d taped it.
AOL SUCKS!
In addition, for those of you who might be AOL members, and might wish to cancel your account, allow me to offer some assistance:
To cancel your AOL account, call: 1-888-265-8008. I place this here only for reference, as it is impossible to find this number anywhere outside of AOL’s own service.
Remember, do NOT hang up!
It would be rude, improper, possibly illegal, and certainly wrong for me to suggest that anyone else call this number, at any time of the day or night. So don’t do that.
Anybody else have similar experiences to share?
