I met this fantastic woman the other day at a retreat. We spent several hours talking over a few days and seemed to hit it off great.
I asked if I could call her, she said yes. So I did.
That’s when she told me that she hasn’t dated any men since her divorce, but has dated ‘other people’. She’d like it to be otherwise, but feels like things work better for her with women. Then she starts talking about how she feels like it shouldn’t matter to her what ‘parts’ a person has but that it seems to make a difference. But let’s go out anyway.
So we went to the movies, along with our respective kids. Again, great conversation and fun was had (though I avoided making any moves–kids were present!).
At one point during our after-the-movie chat, I mentioned the kinsey scale to her, explained it, and asked where she thought she stood, but kids interrupted her from answering this important question, but she did say she has a co-worker she talks with often about her ongoing uncertainty about her sexuality.
When I asked if she wanted to go out again, she said yes.
I said, “with the kids?” She nodded.
I said, “just the two of us?” She said yes.
Any oddsmakers out there want to lay bets on whether a relationship that starts like this has any chance of working out?
Realize the events of this film will never happen to you
Get over romantic feelings for this person
Either be friends with this woman, or don’t, but I wouldn’t push it any further. Someone that obviously confused will hurt you both in the long run.
This probably isn’t what you want to hear, and I’m sorry, but don’t get your hopes up. Be friends with this woman if you can, but don’t expect or desire anything more. I have travelled this road, and it is a paaaainful one to try to be romantically involved with someone who is confused about their sexuality. If she were even in a place where she identified as bi and wanted an open relationship, it would be less difficult for you and her in the long run, and might actually have a chance of working (assuming you were comfortable with an open relationship).
With any other issue, it’d be something you could most likely work out as a couple, but sexuality is something you can’t help her figure out. Your own wants and needs are always going to be tied up in any help you try to give her, and while you may “convince” her for a time that she’s straight, it isn’t likely to last until she figures it out for herself, in her own time (assuming she decides she is straight).
If you do end up involved with this woman on a romantic level, be prepared for her to pingpong back and forth, perhaps play a push-me-pull-you sort of “game” with you (not a deliberate game, just the confusion of her own emotions), and generally confuse the hell out of you for the duration of the relationship. Until she is completely comfortable with and certain of her sexuality, it isn’t very likely any romantic relationship with either sex will last long with her.
I’d say give it a shot - you have nothing to lose. At least get a better feel for the situation. Determine if she is capable to committing to the right person, and if you are that person.
I’m in the middle of a somewhat similar situation. Met a girl. She’s real nice. She seemed to like me too. She’s flirty and touchy. But she also says she only wants to date women right now. She identifies as bisexual, but will sit on my lap or hold my hand. I keep wanting to keep my distance emotionally, but she drags me back.
I think it would be fair of you to ask for an honest discussion regarding her sexual identity and where you come into play. It doesn’t sound like she is yanking your chain, but it is reasonable for you to be confused, and she should help you in that respect.
I used to live across the road from 2 lesbians that I worked with. I spent a lot of time hanging out with them (they had better music and better food and better dope). I went out with each of them at various times but nothing ever came of it. Was all good youthful fun.
This lady is certainly confused and doesn’t know what she wants. So to help her out you have to TELL her what she wants and REMIND her that she prefers penis over vagina.
Thanks for some (mostly) interesting responses so far. I’m not so worried about being hurt myself. I’m a big boy and have already been done that road before. I think I’m keeping my eyes open about everything, the unlikeliness of her deciding she could really be comfortable again in a hetero relationship, etc. Still, I’m interested enough in her that I can’t help but to pursue this a bit and see how things develop. Does that sound so crazy to everyone?
One interesting aspect is that we’ve both managed to be extremely open with one another about our previous relationships, problems, and so on, all without having had any physical intimacy or even any high probability of that in our future. I was surprised at some of the details of our sexual histories we were sharing by telephone tonight–some things I’ve never told anyone and things she told me that seemed remarkably open and candid considering how briefly we’ve known each other.
It’s nice to be able to share so much with someone and feel comfortable doing it.
I’m curious to see how/if this relationship develops, whether as friends or something else. I guess I figure the worst thing that could happen would be if she decided we should have sex and I ended up falling for her, without any reciprocation. But I think my broken-heart immunity shots are still up to date.
Then again, the worst thing would be for her to fool herself and us to become a couple and then for her to realize she’d made an enormous mistake.
(feel free to refrain from dreaming up even worse ‘worst-case scenarios’: I’m sure I could expand this list without any effort)
Maybe you’ll be the steady influence, the rock that gets her through this period of confusion, and she’ll just decide that her sexual orientation for the rest of her life is YOU!
Hey, why not? It’s happened other times, other people. She can’t be too much one way on the Kinsey scale, or there wouldn’t be an ex-husband and children.
Now you’re talking!
And she volunteered tonight that she’s about a 4 or 5 (scale of 0-6) but sexuality is too complicated to reduce to a simple number.
This right here tells me that something happened with a man that she doesn’t want to happen again. So out of fear, she stays away from men and settles for women. Personally, I don’t believe living in fear is anyway to live your life.
So no, I wasn’t kidding.
However, I will rephrase it in a more “PC” term just so people don’t get confused.
Pablito, This lady has obviously had some bad experieces with men. Take her out and show her how real men behave and also how nice it can be. If you play your cards right I think she’ll REMEMBER how romance CAN be between a man and a woman; thus she will overcome her fears and the profits will be ten fold for you both.
God, I hate pc.
Best advice I’ve seen so far. She’s mixed up because she doesn’t know what she wants. Don’t pressure her for sex (duh); just stick around and be a positive presence in her life, and wait for her to see you as the fantastic person you are.
It may take time; she’s obviously been hurt bad, and it’s not easy to distinguish yourself from the muddled masses of jerks out there. But the one thing that will definitively separate you from them is persistence; stick with it, if you’re serious.
Pablito, if I may ask, how long has she been divorced, and what kind of a divorce was it? If it happened fairly recently, and her exhusband was cruel or abusive, I would think that could push her away from wanting to get close to men and add to her confusion. After all, since she can’t marry a woman as things stand now, a woman can’t hurt her the way her exhusband did.
There have been times in my life when I honestly didn’t know what I wanted from a relationship, or even if I wanted one, but I have enjoyed friendship and company. I’ve also had friendship blossom into love. From what you’ve posted, she hasn’t called herself “gay” and she sounds at most bisexual to me, but I’m not sure how much time most people spend thinking about their homosexuality.
You’re doing fine, from what I’ve seen. Good luck!
CJ
I know of “lesbians” who are in very strong heterosexual relationships now. They can love the PERSON sometimes, irregardless of gender. Ask her what makes her feel uncomfortable dating men, or why women are better. She may have needed female companionship to get her through post divorce trauma time.
Or perhaps she realised that she was attracted to women, told her husband, and he couldn’t handle that? Living with a woman who at any point could turn to him and say that she was wrong about her sexuality? perhaps they left on good terms. Perhaps she’s been only dating women since the divorce to get some experience for herself so that she can decide what her sexuality is?
Why is the default assumption that a divorced man is a wifebeater?
I think you’re barking up the wrong bush, fella. Try and develop a good emotional rapport with a woman who’s attracted to men. Should be more rewarding.
I think you should do whatever you want as long as you are clear in your own mind that this is not your only, or even your major, emotional attachment. She is your friend. Go out with her. Go out with others. Have fun. Don’t make a big drama out of it. Be honest. Be there for her, as you would be for any friend. Don’t get hung up on it.
In other words, be gentle with yourself, and with her.
