The Straight Dope

Go Back   Straight Dope Message Board > Main > General Questions

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-17-2004, 11:43 AM
Cyrokk Cyrokk is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Butt-wiping: What is the proper technique for hairy guys?

For those of us with too much hair below the belt, front to back wiping seems to be a really bad idea: you are spreading some of that waste to the hair inside the back of your cheeks. As Adam Corolla once so eleoquently put, for guys who are hairy, this necessary chore is akin to "wiping peanutbutter through a shag carpet with a cottonball". So, common sense tells me this approach is wrong.

However, back to front seems to have its own problems: no, you dont get any waste on your nads, but because of how the anus sits between the cheeks, you arent getting it all. In fact, you are getting less clean that way, unless you go front to back a few times, which I've tried.

However, I am not sure if switching from the two methods is a good idea, because it seems to cause irritation.

So what is the best approach for us hairy males with regard to health and efficiency? Front to back? Back to Front? Both? And what about standing versus sitting?
__________________
Cy

Good Intentions Paving Company
Preparing the way for you since 1942
Reply With Quote
Advertisements  
  #2  
Old 01-17-2004, 11:46 AM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Slithering on the hull
Posts: 22,233
Get a bidet. It's the only way to be sure.
__________________
Fools! Did they think that the yieldlessness of absolute neutronium could stop QADGOP THE MERCOTAN? And that human wench Cynthia, cowering in helpless terror just beyond this thin and fragile wall...
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-17-2004, 12:03 PM
Kobaltblu Kobaltblu is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan
Get a bidet. It's the only way to be sure.
I agree. I'm only moderately hairy, but that doesn't lessen the problem one bit. Unfortunately, I don't have one. Barring having to install a bidet, or one of those similar substitute types that sit inside your regular toilet, buy a package of the body wipes that have become popular in grocery stores. The ones for infants are called baby wipes. Then, no matter which direction you've chose, you can go over the canvas a couple of different directions and you're back to new.
Howard Stern, in his book, advised jumping in the shower. This was from after getting an anal fissure from overzealous cleaning.
OK. I've officially grossed myself out now.
__________________
"Suspense is only fun if it lasts ninety minutes and involves popcorn."
Kirk Read
How I Learned to Snap
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-17-2004, 12:14 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 6,955
How about shaving around your ass?? At least with some clippers - it doesn't have to be with a razor or anything that might irritate. If the hair is a problem, get rid of the hair...

Also, once you've mastered the back to front method, you will get all of it. I use that method and I've never once had shit stripes in my pants or an ichy ass or anything else I've heard (and seen. EEEEK). Not even in the field where I am wiping with the little squares of paper in an MRE bag... So it's not like it's an inefficient method!
__________________
These statements are my own. Views and opinions expressed are not endorsed by the U.S. Army or Department of Defense and in no way constitute an official stance of any military or government organization.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-17-2004, 12:58 PM
NevarMore NevarMore is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bear_Nenno
How about shaving around your ass?? At least with some clippers - it doesn't have to be with a razor or anything that might irritate. If the hair is a problem, get rid of the hair...
NO! Ass hair is there for a reason. I'll try to rewrite the whole stroy here, but I may leave some stuff out. This was seen on a message board I frequent, it may not be true but the concepts are there.

So there's this college kid with the same problem as the OP. Tired of dingleberries and ripped toilet paper he decides to shave his ass. He gets a towel, a fresh razor, and a mirror. Shaves away without incident, puts some cream or somesuch on there to deal with the irritiation. A few hours later nature calls and our intrepid shaver gets up to go to the can. His gorgons flowed forth like beer from a keg. It was glorious. One swipe revealed that wiping wasn't even neccessary!
Off to class the next day he feels pure and alive. Sitting in class he gets a bit warm and starts to sweat. After class he has to fart on the way back home, no one is around so he does. Expecting a might riiiiip, he gets a little squeaker. He fails to note this discrepancy and starts to walk again and notices that his ass feels funny. His cheeks are sliding across each other with each step. Very uncomfortable. Arriving home, he spreads his ass open in front of a fan to dry it out and apply some powder. He releases the most vile stench he has ever smelt. The fart was trapped between his sweaty ass cheeks and fermented further.
The next day, he is prepared. He powders his ass before he leaves for the day and everything goes well, until the powder absorbs all it can and his cheeks start slidign again. Only this time, he has a days worth of stubble sliding around instead of baby smooth ass.
The moral is, there is hair on mens asses for a reason.
__________________
--- "OWWWOWOWOWWO !@#$ THATS HOT!!!" is a phrase i utter often, as i usually dont wait for my car, computer, or food to cool before playing with it.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-17-2004, 01:01 PM
istara istara is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
WAX inside your damn ass, don't shave it!

That way the regrowth is softer, and it lasts for longer.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-17-2004, 01:01 PM
Anal Scurvy Anal Scurvy is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Train yourself to poop at home. Jump in the tub afterwards and wash your ass. If you must poop elsewhere, bring wet naps.
__________________
"I once killed a man with a two-by-four."
--Cecil Adams
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-17-2004, 01:10 PM
Smeghead Smeghead is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Wet wipes.
__________________
"Opinions are like arms. Everybody has them, but you look like an idiot when you try to show off how strong yours are." - Miles Jupp
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-17-2004, 02:38 PM
sibyl sibyl is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Indeed, I try to crap before I shower exclusively. I just feel dirty otherwise no matter how well I've wiped.
__________________
"If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind." - John Stuart Mill
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-17-2004, 03:37 PM
OneYogini OneYogini is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
((peeks in)) "so this is what guys talk about" ((shudders))((covers eyes running from room)) "hold me i'm scared"
__________________
L'amour, L'amour, fait lourner le monde.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 01-17-2004, 03:44 PM
Brad Pittiful Brad Pittiful is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
i use baby wipes and they work fine
__________________
Speed is a question of money - how fast can you go?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-17-2004, 03:59 PM
GorillaMan GorillaMan is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
My screenname tells you all about my suffering with this problem....

I find multiple rear-to-front swipes often necessary....although the first one is the crucial one. Make sure you get as much as you can in that motion, otherwise it's going everywhere
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-17-2004, 04:09 PM
Apollon Apollon is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
i wash my butt in the sink after pooping. it's as good as a bidet, and you also get some excercise.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-17-2004, 04:11 PM
Apollon Apollon is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
and of course the real secret is to not eat junk that makes your poop all soft and runny. my poop is fairly solid, so it scarcely leaves any residue behind on my behind.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-17-2004, 05:05 PM
cheddarsnax cheddarsnax is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Squat on the bowl. Place your feet on the very front, and rest your back against the wall or back of toilet. Manually spread ass cheeks with hands, and hold back hair. Excrete. Works every time.
__________________
"[cheddar] is a complete idiot." -andros
neener neener neener
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 01-17-2004, 06:17 PM
GorillaMan GorillaMan is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheddarsnax
Squat on the bowl. Place your feet on the very front, and rest your back against the wall or back of toilet. Manually spread ass cheeks with hands, and hold back hair. Excrete. Works every time.
Do you recommend doing that when drunk?
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 01-17-2004, 06:23 PM
Mangetout Mangetout is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: England (where it rains)
Posts: 50,978
I tall depends which way you comb it; centre-parting is the way to go.
__________________
Cray-con - the bacon-coloured wax crayon!
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01-17-2004, 06:25 PM
Revtim Revtim is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
I'm going to get pressure cleaner one of these days, and after doing the patio I'm putting it next to the toilet.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:17 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@chicagoreader.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Publishers - interested in subscribing to the Straight Dope?
Write to: sdsubscriptions@chicagoreader.com.

Copyright 2013 Sun-Times Media, LLC.