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  #1  
Old 01-17-2004, 11:43 AM
Cyrokk Cyrokk is offline
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Butt-wiping: What is the proper technique for hairy guys?

For those of us with too much hair below the belt, front to back wiping seems to be a really bad idea: you are spreading some of that waste to the hair inside the back of your cheeks. As Adam Corolla once so eleoquently put, for guys who are hairy, this necessary chore is akin to "wiping peanutbutter through a shag carpet with a cottonball". So, common sense tells me this approach is wrong.

However, back to front seems to have its own problems: no, you dont get any waste on your nads, but because of how the anus sits between the cheeks, you arent getting it all. In fact, you are getting less clean that way, unless you go front to back a few times, which I've tried.

However, I am not sure if switching from the two methods is a good idea, because it seems to cause irritation.

So what is the best approach for us hairy males with regard to health and efficiency? Front to back? Back to Front? Both? And what about standing versus sitting?
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  #2  
Old 01-17-2004, 11:46 AM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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Get a bidet. It's the only way to be sure.
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  #3  
Old 01-17-2004, 12:03 PM
Kobaltblu Kobaltblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan
Get a bidet. It's the only way to be sure.
I agree. I'm only moderately hairy, but that doesn't lessen the problem one bit. Unfortunately, I don't have one. Barring having to install a bidet, or one of those similar substitute types that sit inside your regular toilet, buy a package of the body wipes that have become popular in grocery stores. The ones for infants are called baby wipes. Then, no matter which direction you've chose, you can go over the canvas a couple of different directions and you're back to new.
Howard Stern, in his book, advised jumping in the shower. This was from after getting an anal fissure from overzealous cleaning.
OK. I've officially grossed myself out now.
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  #4  
Old 01-17-2004, 12:14 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is online now
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How about shaving around your ass?? At least with some clippers - it doesn't have to be with a razor or anything that might irritate. If the hair is a problem, get rid of the hair...

Also, once you've mastered the back to front method, you will get all of it. I use that method and I've never once had shit stripes in my pants or an ichy ass or anything else I've heard (and seen. EEEEK). Not even in the field where I am wiping with the little squares of paper in an MRE bag... So it's not like it's an inefficient method!
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  #5  
Old 01-17-2004, 12:58 PM
NevarMore NevarMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bear_Nenno
How about shaving around your ass?? At least with some clippers - it doesn't have to be with a razor or anything that might irritate. If the hair is a problem, get rid of the hair...
NO! Ass hair is there for a reason. I'll try to rewrite the whole stroy here, but I may leave some stuff out. This was seen on a message board I frequent, it may not be true but the concepts are there.

So there's this college kid with the same problem as the OP. Tired of dingleberries and ripped toilet paper he decides to shave his ass. He gets a towel, a fresh razor, and a mirror. Shaves away without incident, puts some cream or somesuch on there to deal with the irritiation. A few hours later nature calls and our intrepid shaver gets up to go to the can. His gorgons flowed forth like beer from a keg. It was glorious. One swipe revealed that wiping wasn't even neccessary!
Off to class the next day he feels pure and alive. Sitting in class he gets a bit warm and starts to sweat. After class he has to fart on the way back home, no one is around so he does. Expecting a might riiiiip, he gets a little squeaker. He fails to note this discrepancy and starts to walk again and notices that his ass feels funny. His cheeks are sliding across each other with each step. Very uncomfortable. Arriving home, he spreads his ass open in front of a fan to dry it out and apply some powder. He releases the most vile stench he has ever smelt. The fart was trapped between his sweaty ass cheeks and fermented further.
The next day, he is prepared. He powders his ass before he leaves for the day and everything goes well, until the powder absorbs all it can and his cheeks start slidign again. Only this time, he has a days worth of stubble sliding around instead of baby smooth ass.
The moral is, there is hair on mens asses for a reason.
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  #6  
Old 01-17-2004, 01:01 PM
istara istara is offline
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WAX inside your damn ass, don't shave it!

That way the regrowth is softer, and it lasts for longer.
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  #7  
Old 01-17-2004, 01:01 PM
Anal Scurvy Anal Scurvy is offline
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Train yourself to poop at home. Jump in the tub afterwards and wash your ass. If you must poop elsewhere, bring wet naps.
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  #8  
Old 01-17-2004, 01:10 PM
Smeghead Smeghead is offline
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Wet wipes.
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  #9  
Old 01-17-2004, 02:38 PM
sibyl sibyl is offline
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Indeed, I try to crap before I shower exclusively. I just feel dirty otherwise no matter how well I've wiped.
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  #10  
Old 01-17-2004, 03:37 PM
OneYogini OneYogini is offline
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((peeks in)) "so this is what guys talk about" ((shudders))((covers eyes running from room)) "hold me i'm scared"
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  #11  
Old 01-17-2004, 03:44 PM
Brad Pittiful Brad Pittiful is offline
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i use baby wipes and they work fine
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  #12  
Old 01-17-2004, 03:59 PM
GorillaMan GorillaMan is offline
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My screenname tells you all about my suffering with this problem....

I find multiple rear-to-front swipes often necessary....although the first one is the crucial one. Make sure you get as much as you can in that motion, otherwise it's going everywhere
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  #13  
Old 01-17-2004, 04:09 PM
Apollon Apollon is offline
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i wash my butt in the sink after pooping. it's as good as a bidet, and you also get some excercise.
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  #14  
Old 01-17-2004, 04:11 PM
Apollon Apollon is offline
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and of course the real secret is to not eat junk that makes your poop all soft and runny. my poop is fairly solid, so it scarcely leaves any residue behind on my behind.
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  #15  
Old 01-17-2004, 05:05 PM
cheddarsnax cheddarsnax is offline
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Squat on the bowl. Place your feet on the very front, and rest your back against the wall or back of toilet. Manually spread ass cheeks with hands, and hold back hair. Excrete. Works every time.
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  #16  
Old 01-17-2004, 06:17 PM
GorillaMan GorillaMan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheddarsnax
Squat on the bowl. Place your feet on the very front, and rest your back against the wall or back of toilet. Manually spread ass cheeks with hands, and hold back hair. Excrete. Works every time.
Do you recommend doing that when drunk?
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  #17  
Old 01-17-2004, 06:23 PM
Mangetout Mangetout is offline
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I tall depends which way you comb it; centre-parting is the way to go.
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  #18  
Old 01-17-2004, 06:25 PM
Revtim Revtim is offline
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I'm going to get pressure cleaner one of these days, and after doing the patio I'm putting it next to the toilet.
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  #19  
Old 05-22-2016, 02:26 PM
Bigbosshog Bigbosshog is offline
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First, let me mention that hair grows around the bung whole so shaving is a no-go! You could end up with a nasty cut and a little hair prevents chafing. Trimming helps but watch out for getting those clippers too close to the soft tissue of your a hole! Best thing I found is preparation H wipies. They're flushable, work great and are fairly cheap at Costco.

What also works is a quick "ass shower". Just sit on the edge of a bath tub and wash that ass. No need to get completely nude. Just let your butt hang over the edge and wash. Fast and easy. But trimming is definitely helpful.
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  #20  
Old 05-22-2016, 03:28 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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I opened this thread just so I could mention a bidet.

But I see I already did. Twelve years ago!!!.

Last edited by Qadgop the Mercotan; 05-22-2016 at 03:28 PM..
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  #21  
Old 05-22-2016, 03:42 PM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
I opened this thread just so I could mention a bidet.

But I see I already did. Twelve years ago!!!.
🎵 Ah, bidets are here again!🎵
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  #22  
Old 05-22-2016, 04:16 PM
ThelmaLou ThelmaLou is offline
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Where's that Men in Black memory-flash thing when you need it?
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  #23  
Old 05-22-2016, 04:20 PM
panache45 panache45 is online now
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Apparently, even zombies have hairy asses.
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  #24  
Old 05-22-2016, 05:54 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is offline
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You need a rabbit.
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  #25  
Old 05-22-2016, 06:38 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cochrane View Post
🎵 Ah, bidets are here again!🎵
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  #26  
Old 05-23-2016, 09:12 AM
Kimstu Kimstu is offline
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Oh well played, cochrane.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TriPolar
You need a rabbit.
I don't EVEN want to know. I am trying very hard to avoid speculating. Better never open this thread again, just to be sure.

Last edited by Kimstu; 05-23-2016 at 09:13 AM..
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  #27  
Old 05-23-2016, 09:19 AM
TriPolar TriPolar is offline
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Originally Posted by Kimstu View Post
I don't EVEN want to know. I am trying very hard to avoid speculating. Better never open this thread again, just to be sure.
So a bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?". The rabbit answers indignantly "No!". So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
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  #28  
Old 05-23-2016, 12:14 PM
panache45 panache45 is online now
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One of my cats has long hair. She solves the problem with a ride on the living room carpet.
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  #29  
Old 05-23-2016, 03:39 PM
spifflog spifflog is offline
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Stop eating a taco bell and eat something healthy for the love of God.

If you need a pressure washer for your ass, you have diet issues, not scrubbing issues.
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  #30  
Old 05-23-2016, 03:51 PM
HMS Irruncible HMS Irruncible is offline
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Need answer fast?

Seriously, get a bidet. Hear the voice of elder wisdom: Some time in your life, perhaps only once, you'll need one, and you'll be glad you made the investment.
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  #31  
Old 05-24-2016, 08:14 AM
Mr. Duality Mr. Duality is offline
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Consume enough opiates to cause moderate constipation. Your poop will then be firm ovoids which leave little if any residue.
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  #32  
Old 05-24-2016, 09:53 AM
TSBG TSBG is offline
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I don't think anyone's mentioned this, but softer toilet papers are worse--they come apart, form numerous dingleberries, and get shit on your hand. A slightly sturdier tissue is better--I like the Costco store brand (Kirkland).
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  #33  
Old 05-24-2016, 09:55 AM
TSBG TSBG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TriPolar View Post
So a bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?". The rabbit answers indignantly "No!". So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
This joke never made sense to me. The twist is funny, but if the shit doesn't stick the rabbit's fur, it won't be transferred off the bear to the rabbit.
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  #34  
Old 05-24-2016, 10:00 AM
GaryM GaryM is offline
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You're putting too much thought into it. Perhaps as you say shit doesn't stick, but on the other hand, perhaps it does stick but the rabbit doesn't consider it a problem.
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  #35  
Old 05-24-2016, 02:14 PM
GargoyleWB GargoyleWB is offline
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Trimmer with a #1 or #2 shield so you don't grab flesh.

No bidets, they only create a more labor-intensive mess to attempt to clean.
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  #36  
Old 05-24-2016, 02:37 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spifflog View Post
If you need a pressure washer for your ass, you have diet issues, not scrubbing issues.
Normal bowel movements run from the loose to the quite hard, or scybalous. There is no one correct texture. Stool texture must be judged in context with frequency, ease of passage, and various other possible co-morbidities such as Inflammatory Bowel Disease, Celiac disease, diverticultosis/itis, hemorrhoids, fissures, fistulae, etc.

Don't be prejudiced, don't automatically fear stools which don't look exactly like yours. Wouldn't be a dull world if all feces were the same?
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  #37  
Old 05-24-2016, 04:59 PM
Kimstu Kimstu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GaryM View Post
You're putting too much thought into it.
Or not enough? It seems pretty clear that the rabbit thinks he's being asked the question "Does your shit tend to stick to your fur when you poop?", but the bear responds as though he had answered the question "Do you object to having (somebody's) shit sticking to your fur?".


(Yes, I opened the thread again. I am just as sorry as I thought I would be.)
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  #38  
Old 05-24-2016, 05:24 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is offline
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Originally Posted by Kimstu View Post
(Yes, I opened the thread again. I am just as sorry as I thought I would be.)
I knew you'd be back.
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  #39  
Old 05-24-2016, 05:55 PM
Kimstu Kimstu is offline
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I knew you'd be back.
It's a fatal dependency.

(That was a pretty good joke, though.)
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  #40  
Old 05-24-2016, 06:04 PM
Ambivalid Ambivalid is offline
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Adopt "pretty girl protocol" and just don't poop.
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  #41  
Old 05-24-2016, 06:05 PM
levdrakon levdrakon is online now
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I've read wet wipes are bad for plumbing even if they're advertised as "flushable."

A bidet doesn't seem realistic for a country that doesn't customarily install them.

Jumping in the shower afterwards seems a waste of water and time.

Moistening the TP before use risks dingleberries with even the most "extra strength" TP.

Shaving seems impractical for various reasons, not the least of which is shaving down skin that is supposed to protect you from the bacteria you're passing through that area every 12-24 hours before it's had time to heal up. Butt rashes aren't fun.

Bummer all around.
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  #42  
Old 05-24-2016, 08:36 PM
cochrane cochrane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimstu View Post
Or not enough? It seems pretty clear that the rabbit thinks he's being asked the question "Does your shit tend to stick to your fur when you poop?", but the bear responds as though he had answered the question "Do you object to having (somebody's) shit sticking to your fur?".


(Yes, I opened the thread again. I am just as sorry as I thought I would be.)
That's how I interpreted the joke.

Rabbit: Hey! You got shit all over my fur!

Bear: Well, you said you didn't have a problem with it.
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  #43  
Old 05-24-2016, 10:13 PM
actualliberalnotoneofthose actualliberalnotoneofthose is offline
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Every single grocery store, Walmart, Target, and similar in the US have sold wet toilet paper for as long as this thread has been active. So I always find it weird when people suggest baby wipes, body wipes or some other similar thing in a different department. I use both wet and dry toilet paper. I also shave my ass. I find it much more comfortable and cleaner feeling. I've been shaving for over 20 years and I rarely cut anything. It's much easier to cut your face than your ass or scrotum in my experience.
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  #44  
Old 05-24-2016, 10:31 PM
KellyCriterion KellyCriterion is offline
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In some Asian and Middle East countries, go in to a domestic bathroom and there's a bucket of water next to the toilet. Pretty sure it's to help achieve the type of cleanliness and hygiene referenced by the OP, but I've never found someone willing to explain to me exactly what I am supposed to do with the bucket and water.
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  #45  
Old 05-24-2016, 11:34 PM
Richard Pearse Richard Pearse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by levdrakon View Post

Jumping in the shower afterwards seems a waste of water and time.
The goal is not to have a shower after you randomly have a shit, instead you must train your body to shit just before you would normally have a shower. No time or water wastage.
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  #46  
Old 05-28-2016, 03:41 PM
albino_manatee albino_manatee is offline
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Originally Posted by KellyCriterion View Post
In some Asian and Middle East countries, go in to a domestic bathroom and there's a bucket of water next to the toilet. Pretty sure it's to help achieve the type of cleanliness and hygiene referenced by the OP, but I've never found someone willing to explain to me exactly what I am supposed to do with the bucket and water.
i was busting out laughing with some of you guys' answers g'job on you really.

seems none of you has experienced hemorrhoids 'cause that's a special esoteric dilemna. gotta' wipe yourself well enough while the prolapsed vein-walls are temporarily outside and then, ten minutes later, return to the bathroom to finish wiping one's self because what had extended during the task has now relaxed 'n receded back inside.

i've been known to use prep-wipes but have never trusted it's capacity to dissolve/biodegrade in it's journey toward final destination so, in the trash it goes..

KellyCriterion correct me if i'm wrong but i think one drizzles the water-bucket with the spoon and lets gravity take over right to the rectum. and, from there, do your cleaning and throw tissue into waste-basket in corner.
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