lack of maturity

I am 22 and angry. Not just a little bit, either. I want to go out and destroy something, anything, and/or everything. I'm not sure why, exactly. I told my husband, who thinks it is just a symptom of youth and I'll get through it just like he did. In other words I'm immature... NO KIDDING!!!!

I can accept that most of my health problems result from my own choices... joining the Army, smoking ciggarettes, too much/too little sleep, getting fat, whatever. Poor performance in high school (b- average)was again my fault. (Further education has to wait for now. VA paprework)

Unfortunately, rational thought does nothing to abate irrational anger. I am unclear on how, exactly, to acquire/grow/build maturity
although it apparently takes a few years. (personal experience.)
Any helpful hints out there? No bomb-making tutorials, please; the goal is to not hurt people. I would rather go back to punching trees and kicking fenceposts.

Get some clay make some pots (or buy cheap china) when you need to desrtoy something go and chuck that about outside somewhere!
Or take up some sport where the anger can be channeled eg squash hitting a ball against a wall is good for that too!

To take out some aggression that sounds good to me...maybe try a batting cage. You could also take your mind off anger by relaxing yourself or doing something you enjoy, such as a motorcycle ride. (Thats what I do) I cannot say how one gains maturity, you don't want to stop being who you are inside. Some people never really "grow up" that is the way they are, it does not have to be a bad thing either. One aspect of maturity is responsibility, maybe if you took on more tasks that others have to trust you on you could gain more confidence and self-respect. One example would be to take over the finances, such as paying the bills, balancing the bank account, etc. The only other thing I can think of is socializing with older, more mature people. Otherwise, yes, you could say it just takes time.

Irrational anger is usually rooted in something. Maybe there's something about you or your life that is frustrating you. Spend some time thinking about where you are and how you got there.

Giving in to irrational anger is a downward spiral that leads to unhappiness and destruction.

You need to listen to better music. I can only tell you what works for me, but The Who is the best angry young man rock ever produced, and Neil Young is perfect when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Jethro Tull is good for anger too.

Screaming at the top of your lungs along with blaring rock n roll is great release. But be nice to the neighbors and try to do it in the afternoon.

Sounds like you're already there to me, Dawnbird. You've admitted where you've wronged yourself (accepted responsibility for your own actions without blaming others) and sounds like you're making plans to change things in your life that are bugging you (like going back to school).

I don't think you have a maturity problem at all, dear. You're just frustrated like most of us. All you can do is work toward changing your life and blow off steam when you can't.

Personally, I like going down to the driving range and naming each little golf ball before whacking the hell out of it. Then I feel drained of enough anger to be productive at solving problems...

PR

My advice is to take up an instrument. Preferably something in the percussion family or perhaps the piano. Great music is the byproduct of emotion and what better way to express oneself? I spent (misspent?) a good part of my youth locked in my room with a drum set and I haven't killed anyone. Yet.

These are all good answers. But just how angry are you? Are you constantly, irrationally angry? If so, your best bet is probably therapy.

If you're just easily angered by the things that make everyone angry, physical activity is useful. In fact I'd go one more than the other answers by suggesting you work out regularly, even if your not particular irked that day. The general habit will be good for your health and help develop the discipline that can be used to combat some of the problems you named (smoking, fat, etc). plus, if you do feel angry, you'll have a gym and a well-established habit of going. Venting will be a regular part of your day. Works for me, anyway.

Let us all know what you do.

I've tried all of those at some point. Right now my husband would rather I not work, so I spend my time in hobbies... "nice calming ones" like quilting. Really fun if I'm already calm. Useless when I want to disembowel someone.

I may put myself on a strict schedule again. Otherwise, I forget to eat or sleep for a day or two, and when to clean what. (how I keep gaining weight, I don't know) Sounds stupid, and doesn't really help my moods much, but at least the house looks better and the hubby is happier.

I'm not supposed to work out until the joint specialists look at my knees. I used to love working out. I used to feel good afterwards. G-damned Army!!!!! G-damned disability rating!!!!! G-damned lying recruiter!!!!! SCREW THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

forgetting to eat...not sleeping...weight gain...anger...sounds a bit like depression to me. No offense, but you ought to consider therapy. Maybe it would help you work out some of this stuff.

I agree with Yep, you want to look for a psychiatrist who is an MD, who can prescribe anti-depressants or other medications if needed. This doesn't sound like simple anger, it sounds like anger masking other frustrations.

Hmmmm, quilting, cleaning, not working....with all due respect she's not depressed, she's BORED! Anyone ever stay in bed for a week or so due to an illness? Let me tell you, it's boring. And that boredom leads to irregular eating habits, emotional swings, irregular sleeping. My advice is to try to spice up your life a bit before trucking off to the shrink. Go kayaking, or take up bikeriding. Drop the darning needles and pick up a hobby. How about volunteering at the local library to help folks learn to read? Anything that will stimulate your brain and get your body moving a few times a week. You'll find you have less to be angry about when you have less time to be angry. Just my two cents.

she said "I've tried all of those at some point. Right now my husband would rather I not work, so I spend my time in hobbies... "nice calming ones" like quilting. Really fun if I'm already calm. Useless when I want to disembowel someone"

I read this as her saying that she tried all these things as a means to relieve some stress and that they weren't working. This leads me to believe that her life has been anything but boring and that boredom is not the problem.

If nothing she tries is relieving her of the anger, inability to sleep, etc then perhaps the problem goes deeper than you suggest and the solution will take more than simply finding a new hobby.

just my two cents, give or take a dime.

Dawnbird, listen to these people. You need to see a psychiatrist. I was a socail worker for 8 years, working with people with various mental illnesses. The symptoms you describe should not be ignored.

One clarification: All psychiatrists can prescribe medication. Psychiatry is a specialty--like a cardiology. First one gets an MD, then one specializes in psychiatry. A psychologist, though he may be a doctor (PhD), cannot prescribe medication.

Read "Tuesdays With Morrie," and oh rats I forgot the author's name. It's a very simple book that will take about a day to read, but it had a profound effect on how I handle my daily stresses. I'm 22 also - I know it can be tough.

Read "Tuesdays With Morrie," and oh rats I forgot the author's name. It's a very simple book that will take about a day to read, but it had a profound effect on how I handle my daily stresses. I'm 22 also - I know it can be tough.

Ummm...was anyone else disturbed by the statement that her hubby doesn't want her to work? What's up with this guy? Maybe a large part of your anger is a result of being in a subservient position. The house looks better, hubby's happier- if you're devoting your life to making HIM happy, no wonder you're frustrated (and probably depressed, too).

The whole not working thing has a lot of causes.

I only really know how to do three things. waitressing, aircraft sheetmetal repair, and fiberglass repair. Most companies won't hire for these last two without 6 or more years military experience. I only have three, courtesy of arthritis in both knees.
As for the first, by the time i get home I am in so much pain I can barely walk, and this is a BAD thing. I could learn other skills, but my husband objects to my finding employment "below my skill level" which, of course, means anything that hires at less than the $9.00 an hour I could get locally if I were qualified for a job in fiberglass boat repair.

As near as I can tell, the subservient role is only a bonus for him. One other consideration is his family's opinion of him, which dropped fantastically when I was working. Apparrently the only reason for a childless woman to work is failure on the part of her husband.

And how do YOU feel about it? I mean, staying home because you and your husband agree that it's best is one thing (although it's difficult enough!), but staying home because your husband decides FOR you that that's your proper role is quite another. Did you have an equal say in this decision?

I had as much say as circumstance allows. I would rather work, even at "McHardeesKing" but it ends up being counterproductive. A 31 yr old man doesn't want to have his parents call every week to see if we need money. I don't want to hear how we are spending more money on convenience food than I am bringing in because he has no clue what to do in a kitchen. I don't want to take massive doses of painkillers so that I can work at a minimum wage job and come home to pick up dirty socks and wonder if the dog has been fed in the past ten hours.

What it all amounts to is that I have no choice, and it is no more his design than mine. I resent that I am helpless and that I am unskilled labor but I can't even blame the Army because if I had just gone on "sick call" every ten days like the doctor told me to I wouldn't have knee problems now. I can only wait for the opportunity to improve myself so that I can do something with this pitiful, lonely experience I call life.

I am slowly making friends here, but it's hard to watch my tongue so I do not seem "whiny" and chase all my new friends away. But what do you do with an overwhelming suspicion that can't meet muster
and can't pull your own weight?

My eyes just teared up, so i suspect this is the real problem. I guess I'll go see a shrink. Thanks to all. This has been very useful in defining what's going on.

Hey, Dawnbird, are you okay? I know what depression is like, and I know what it's like to have no choice but to stay home. When I was first married, I couldn't work either, partly because we couldn't afford a car for me and partly because the cost of daycare would have eaten my whole paycheck. We moved to my husband's home town, 1200 miles from my native Chicago. I didn't know anyone here. I damn near lost my mind: I wound up sitting in the living room with the shades drawn, I couldn't wear anything but black or grey because colors hurt my eyes, and I couldn't even bring myself to go to the mailbox.
I went back to school, the scariest decision of my life, and became an RN. (Not a good job for someone with bad knees, though). Just having the option of getting out of the house and talking to other adult people has improved my life immensely. A person simply cannot be isolated for long before they start to fall apart.
You're not crazy; you're lonely and depressed. But good news, chick- you can fix it! You can go to school or any other place where you can associate with real, live people.

Dawn, everyone here has some good advice. I would start with the therapy. It doesn't mean you're crazy or have some mental illness; it just means you need some help getting through some tough times! Everyone needs help now and then and sometimes talking to a third-party can really help. If you don't have insurance, see if your Community Mental Health agency can help. Or your MD-they may have some ideas on who they can refer you to. I also agree with Holly in her recommendation to go back to school. Most community colleges offer free career type testing. What are you are interested in? Make a list of the things you really enjoy doing and take it with you to talk to a career counselor at the local comm. college; you may be surprised at what kinds of job fields can correspond with your interests. Above all, hang in there! I've been where you are at and it DOES end. Nothing is forever. Unlike your husband, I don't think what you are going through is because you are immature; I think it's because you are bored and frustrated with your life and don't see hope for the future. But there is a future and you can help decide what it will be. Not everyone is in to it, but I've found for me that keeping a journal helps me to sift through the emotional layers and sometimes I discover answers within myself that I didn't know were there. I write down EVERYTHING I'm feeling, leave nothing out, no matter how dumb, angry, stupid, hyperemotional it may sound. Maybe it will help you! Keep us posted on how things go; we're thinking of you!

One more thing- have you looked into the possibility of having knee replacement surgery? Most people who have it done see the quality of their lives improve dramatically. You might want to consult a good orthopedic surgeon to see if it would work for you.

Dawnbird:

I don't want to hear how we are spending more money on convenience food than I am bringing in because he has no clue what to do in a kitchen. I don't want to take massive doses of painkillers so that I can work at a minimum wage job and come home to pick up dirty socks and wonder if the dog has been fed in the past ten hours.

The other advice regarding counselling and depression is excellent. I have a small observation on this quote, however.
A 31 year old man who can't find his way around the kitchen needs to be taken aside each weekend and taught what to do in the kitchen. He should also be doing laundry, maintaining pets, cleaning the house, and whatever it takes to live there. My dad "worked" and my mom "kept house" way back in the fifties. However, when mom needed to get out or there were more chores than mom could handle on a given day--then dad cooked, cleaned, or shopped. If your husband is expecting you to carry the whole load, he needs some training in how to help.
Even if you are the primary "house keeper," he needs to be able to handle those things. What will he do if your knees give out, completely? If you two ever intend to have kids, he is going to need to help out--even if he works 60 hours a week. (At 90 hours a week I might let him off the hook.)

(Sorry for the mini-rant. A couple of weeks ago, my wife's brother-in-law was whining about how often he has to eat frozen dinners while his wife works second shift. When I asked him why he wasn't cooking real dinners, he seemed surprised at the idea.)

------------------
Tom~

Good point. Dawn, it seems like you and your husband have different expectations from your marriage. He wants to play "me Tarzan, you Jane" and up til this point you've been going along. Since you've been in the military (not a traditional female role), I suspect you're not entirely comfortable with this game. Marriage counseling might help. He needs to realize that your job of catering to his every need is leaving you unfulfilled. It also sounds like there's some interference from his family- he needs to make YOU his number one priority.

I recommend plant torture. No kidding!

Plants are cheap, and they're alive, and it's not illegal to torture one. Grow one, and burn a leaf off, or put a hole through a petal with a cigarette. Pour a little vingar in with the water. Or berate it, threaten to cut off a leaf, and then do it. Slowly, and painfully. You can see it slowly die over the following days or weeks due to the abuse. The tirck is to keep it alive, but just barely.

Sure, the plant doesn't really feel pain, but you can't tell. It could be screaming on the inside for all you know. It lets off a lot of steam, just like animal torture, but it's legal!

I'm a vegetarian, and I don't like cruelty to animals or people. But anyone who wants to save a plant had better stop eating them.

-Quadell

Hey Dawnbird,

As far as the knees are concerned, there is a biogenetics company in Boston called Genzyme(I use to work for them). They received FDA approval a couple of years ago for a procedure to grow cartilage in your knees. It's revolutionary and it was only being done at Mass. General hospital. You could contact them(Genzyme) and find out if anyone in your area is doing this procedure. From what I remember, insurance companies will pay for this. It's worth looking into because it can change your life.

I would recommend doing some kind of volunteer work. No question that getting arthritis at 22 sucks. Hanging around the house by yourself all day is depressing and boring. There are people who could use your help; old & sick people who would love someone to visit them, blind people who need someone to read their mail, etc. I bet you'll feel better if you help someone else.

Update: I am seeing a therapist, I went to another doctor and got yet another diagnosis on my knees (that's five or six so far)but this one did reccomend a treatment that may help. I can send in my application for vocational rehab (college tuition) now.

At the moment I am a little detached, but I am starting come out of it. Everything is cyclical, I suppose.